Would appreciate some perspective

  • Thread starter Thread starter snowpea
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

snowpea

Guest
Is it cold and cruel for immediate family members to leave their mom overnight in the hospital and not stay over themselves if she is gravely ill?
 
Not enough info.

How old are the children? Do the children have children who can’t be left alone at night? What is hospital policy? How far away does everyone live from the hospital. How long has/will mom be/been in the hospital?

You get my point…
 
I don’t know if it’s cold and cruel.

But I am a strong believer in having an advocate with you as often as possible. I think people suffer due to a lack of ability to fight for themselves.
 
Years ago, hospitals staffed enough nurses to care for your loved ones. Now, the cutbacks in staffing mean that if you care about your loved one you need to stay with them.
 
the immediate family members are retired and in their 70s, there are no children they are responsible for

they traveled to be here because my grandmother is dying

I am a granddaughter and am very upset with all the people who traveled up to be here but will still leave her alone at night in her hospital room

they have always done a 24x7 vigil for both of my grandparents through the years-which I always thought was excessive and now to just abandon her when it is most important because they are ‘tired’ seems so cruel to me

there are a large number of people there all day long.

I’ll stay if I have to-I don’t want my grandmom to be alone.
 
I agree about an advocate-no one ever fought for my grandfather and now my grandmother - it was always ‘whatever you say doctor’

btw they hired an aide to stay with her but she could pass at anytime

it hurts so much to think of her being all alone with only an aide - I’ll go stay with her if necessary-I am just shocked at the coldness of her children

thank you all for the responses-I talk to people close to me but was wanting to see if I was over reacting. still not sure
 
I don’t usually say this because I personally hate this phrase, but…try not to be too judgemental of your relatives. This is a very stressful thing for them to go through as well and they may just be exhausted both physically and emotionally. If you can be with your grandma, go do it. If your relatives need to go home and get a few hours rest, than try not to be angry. They probably already feel guilty over it.
 
snowpea said:
the immediate family members are retired and in their 70s, there are no children they are responsible for

they traveled to be here because my grandmother is dying

I am a granddaughter and am very upset with all the people who traveled up to be here but will still leave her alone at night in her hospital room

they have always done a 24x7 vigil for both of my grandparents through the years-which I always thought was excessive and now to just abandon her when it is most important because they are ‘tired’ seems so cruel to me

there are a large number of people there all day long.

I’ll stay if I have to-I don’t want my grandmom to be alone.
Click to expand...
No, it’s not cruel. Honestly, most of the 70+ year old people I know physically can’t endure something like that. My dad is in his late 60’s and staying up all night takes a serious toll on his health.
Even if they weren’t that old, I really don’t see how it’s wrong for them to leave and get a goodnight’s sleep or to get a meal. You can pray in places other than a hospital room.
 
bearkatjen said:
No, it’s not cruel. Honestly, most of the 70+ year old people I know physically can’t endure something like that. My dad is in his late 60’s and staying up all night takes a serious toll on his health.
Even if they weren’t that old, I really don’t see how it’s wrong for them to leave and get a goodnight’s sleep or to get a meal. You can pray in places other than a hospital room.
Click to expand...
This is my thought too. Not to mention that people in their 70s have a good chance of having some health needs of their own to attend to. They traveled and were able to say their goodbyes. They have some stressful days ahead of them with the funeral, etc. There is only so much one can do at that age. I am sure this is very hard on them too.
 
This is exactly why I asked for perspective before I went out blazing and emotional-thank you all.

looks like i have to get off my judgmental mindset - it helps no one
 
Without knowing everything, I would say based on my experience it is ok to go home for the night. When my grandmother was seriously ill, while people were there she would try and stay awake even though she couldn’t speak. If we were there until 10 she would be awake all day not getting the rest she needed, so we would go home so she could sleep. Only on the last night, before they pulled the ventilator, did people stay.

I did go home, but for her siblings in their 70’s, it was a long night and they couldn’t have done it more than once, probably shouldn’t have even tried it at all. The health everyone else is important too, especially the elderly.
 
snowpea said:
This is exactly why I asked for perspective before I went out blazing and emotional-thank you all.

looks like i have to get off my judgmental mindset - it helps no one
Click to expand...
Perhaps not judgmental, just a bit unaware - I’ve only noticed since moving in with my parents a few months ago that they really aren’t sprightly 25 year olds any more.
 
It is good to stay with people who are very ill, but doing so can be a big strain on the elderly. A few days without sleep, and they may become grumpy, or worse, in this situation, make poor decisions. The final days of a life are no more, or less important than any other part of a life. Because the ill person has particular needs, it is important to try to meet them, just as you would at any other time. as you are able, why not volunteer for the ‘night shift’ each night? Be sure and remember you have a life to lead also - get some sleep and stay in contact with friends and other family.
 
bearkatjen said:
No, it’s not cruel. Honestly, most of the 70+ year old people I know physically can’t endure something like that. My dad is in his late 60’s and staying up all night takes a serious toll on his health.
Even if they weren’t that old, I really don’t see how it’s wrong for them to leave and get a goodnight’s sleep or to get a meal. You can pray in places other than a hospital room.
Click to expand...
snowpea said:
it hurts so much to think of her being all alone with only an aide - I’ll go stay with her if necessary-I am just shocked at the coldness of her children
Click to expand...
I agree with bearkatjen. It really does take a toll on the elderly whether they show it, or say it or not. I am sure they are upset also, but them not sleeping is not going to help the situation. Don’t forget that they are at a different phase of their life, and see life and death issues through different eyes too.

I don’t know how old you are, but if it is not a terrible inconvenience for you, perhaps you are the one that should go stay at night. I am sure no one would object if you think you want to stay.

May God bless your grandmom and all that love her.
 
What everyone else said!!!

I am sure you are stressed yourself and not seeing clearly, if you want to be helpful for the long haul, you can’t neglect your own health.

God bless you, prayers your way!!
 
snowpea said:
This is exactly why I asked for perspective before I went out blazing and emotional-thank you all.

looks like i have to get off my judgmental mindset - it helps no one
Click to expand...
I think you should take it upon yourself to stay with your grandmother. You probably already have, but hopefully without going in and accusing your aunts and uncles of neglect. 🙂

God bless you, I’m sure it’s an emotional time for everyone. Your grandmother has lived a long life if her children are in their 70’s. What a blessing to have had her for so long! Please don’t forget to hold all the good memories close, and when you feel strong, remind your other relatives of all the joyful times with your grandmother.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I think you should take it upon yourself to stay with your grandmother. You probably already have, but hopefully without going in and accusing your aunts and uncles of neglect. 🙂

God bless you, I’m sure it’s an emotional time for everyone. Your grandmother has lived a long life if her children are in their 70’s. What a blessing to have had her for so long! Please don’t forget to hold all the good memories close, and when you feel strong, remind your other relatives of all the joyful times with your grandmother.
Click to expand...
I agree that when everyone is stressed that we can snap or lose perspective. No need to get angry if the “immediate” relatives can’t stay overnight. This is a safety/comfort issue in understaffed hospitals and when someone can’t advocate for themselves. If there are younger relatives who are likely in better health 50ish or younger who can take the night shifts and sleep in the patient’s room, it would be a blessing to them and the dying relative. Praying the Divine Mercy in the presence of a dying person is the 2nd best gift one can give and that works best in a quiet room. The best gift is to call in a priest, even if they appear unconscious or in a coma. I asked my aunt to do this for her mother as she declined and my aunt called me when the priest arrived. We prayed with him together using a speakerphone. This could be done in a hospital room by the OP on a cell and allow relatives who can’t travel or who can’t physically stay at a hospital for long to join in.

May God bless and comfort all of those who mourn, both after losing a relative and while they sit vigil during a final illness. I lost my mother and her parents to cancer within one year after lingering declines, so I know the toll it can take on a family to lose someone.
 
Thank you all-you helped me see both sides (something I not particularly good at)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top