Would It Be Sinful For A Brother/Sister To Live Together?

[Catholic4Jesus]

I am attending a community college right now to get my basics done. My step-sister is currently finishing up her senior year in high school and both of us are planning on attending the same 4 year university. My dad and step mom gave the two of us an idea on how we can save money during college. There is an off-campus apartment edition that is very cheap and has great features. The plan that they were introducing us to was a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom plan that was $700.00 a month and we could split the rent every month between the 4 of us. So I would get my own bedroom/bathroom and my sister would get her own bedroom/bathroom as well. We both thought that this would be a great idea. However, I just got to thinking about something. The Catholic Church teaches that it is a sin for unmarried boyfriend/girlfriend couple to live together (even if they don’t have sex) because it gives scandal or could give scandal. I was wondering if the same principle applied to a brother/sister who lived together for a few years. She is two years younger than me and I’ll probably will have graduated a year or two before she does so we’d only be sharing it for a while and during her final years in college, she would be having it to herself. I am Catholic but my dad, step mom and step sister are not. I thought that it would be okay since we’re not dating and since we’ll be in separate room and using separate bathrooms and since it would only be for a couple of years, it would be OK. Any thoughts?

 

[TEPO]

Have the two of you lived together previously?

 

[Della]

I can’t see how that would be a problem. If you all consider each other related and you have separate bed/bath. You’ve lived as brother and sister at home, so why should it be any different sharing an apartment? I think you are over-analyzing it.

 

[Catholic4Jesus]

Because people who don’t know us or only know us slightly might think that we’re living together as boyfriend/girlfriend since we’re not that far apart in age.

 

[Della]

Because people might think that we’re living together as boyfriend/girlfriend since we’re not that far apart in age.

But if they know you are step brother and sister why would they even think that?

 

[Catholic4Jesus]

But if they know you are step brother and sister why would they even think that?

You do make a good point. But even if a unmarried boyfriend/girlfriend couple were living together and they told everyone they knew that they were remaining celibate until marriage, it would still be sinful. If it is okay for a brother/sister to live together why is it not okay for a boyfriend/girlfriend to live together even if they don’t sleep together, touch each other or have sex until getting married. I hear it’s because it “gives scandal” but I don’t see how it would. After all, only God can judge what people do, people can’t because people don’t always know everything that goes on behind the scenes. I am just trying to stay out of sin.

 

[LongingSoul]

You do make a good point. But even if a unmarried boyfriend/girlfriend couple were living together and they told everyone they knew that they were remaining celibate until marriage, it would still be sinful. If it is okay for a brother/sister to live together why is it not okay for a boyfriend/girlfriend to live together even if they don’t sleep together, touch each other or have sex until getting married. I hear it’s because it “gives scandal” but I don’t see how it would. After all, only God can judge what people do, people can’t because people don’t always know everything that goes on behind the scenes. I am just trying to stay out of sin.

It sounds like you might be sabotaging your common sense through a sort of scrupulousness. It’s reasonable to assume that boyfriend/girlfriend living together are being intimate whether they say they are or not. Nature makes this a fairly reasonable assumption thereby the seeds of scandal. Most people don’t make that assumption of siblings or families because it goes against nature and its an arrestable offense to boot. Hence it isn’t scandalous.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You do make a good point. But even if a unmarried boyfriend/girlfriend couple were living together and they told everyone they knew that they were remaining celibate until marriage, it would still be sinful. If it is okay for a brother/sister to live together why is it not okay for a boyfriend/girlfriend to live together even if they don’t sleep together, touch each other or have sex until getting married. I hear it’s because it “gives scandal” but I don’t see how it would. After all, only God can judge what people do, people can’t because people don’t always know everything that goes on behind the scenes. I am just trying to stay out of sin.

Two totally different situations. There are many reasons why it is improper for a boyfriend and girlfriend to live together (even “celibately”), and the probability of giving scandal is only one of those reasons. I think it’s just common sense, at least if a person is committed to living chastely.

There’s nothing wrong with living with a relative of the opposite sex, including a stepsister, if you two see each other as brother and sister. You’re not sinning; don’t overthink it.

 

[CradleJourney]

You do make a good point. But even if a unmarried boyfriend/girlfriend couple were living together and they told everyone they knew that they were remaining celibate until marriage, it would still be sinful. If it is okay for a brother/sister to live together why is it not okay for a boyfriend/girlfriend to live together even if they don’t sleep together, touch each other or have sex until getting married. I hear it’s because it “gives scandal” but I don’t see how it would. After all, only God can judge what people do, people can’t because people don’t always know everything that goes on behind the scenes. I am just trying to stay out of sin.

My oldest child is 19 years older than her youngest sibling. We certainly had no intent of doing so, however, more than once someone was “scandalized” by seeing her taking the baby out and about because they assumed it was hers. Anyone who asked was immediately “un-scandalized” when they discovered it was her baby sibling.

Now, to tie this to your situation…

The “scandal” was the visual interpretation of an unmarried (no ring) teen with an infant - proof that she is, or had been, unchaste.

The “non-scandal” was the interpretation of an older sibling caring for a younger one - something normal and natural and good.

The “scandal” for your case would be the visual interpretation of unmarried members of the opposite sex co-habitating together and the common assumption that they are, or eventually would, give into sinful behavior.

The “non-scandal” is the interpretation that siblings of opposite sex sharing a housing unit - again, something accepted in our society as normal and natural.

Just as it would be silly for me to have never let my daughter hold the baby or take her for a walk, to me it would be silly to let this be the reason you don’t share an apartment with a sibling (there could be many other legit reasons, but I think scandal isn’t one of them).

My opinion, go for it and practice responding to any comments about your “room mate” with a exasperated expression and or eye-roll as you say “You mean my sister?”

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I wonder if anyone can live together anymore with out people thinking they are a couple, even same-sex roommates sharing expenses. If I needed to find a way to save money with rent/mortgage and utilites, a roommate would be an option. But some people with dirty minds might think I had a “girlfriend.”

OP I think it’s appropriate, it will not bring scandal (if anyone were to think you were a couple and having illicit relations, imagine their shame when they find out you are siblings saving some money).

Not sinful. Not a occasion that gives scandal.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I wonder if anyone can live together anymore with out people thinking they are a couple, even same-sex roommates sharing expenses. If I needed to find a way to save money with rent/mortgage and utilites, a roommate would be an option. But some people with dirty minds might think I had a “girlfriend.”

OP I think it’s appropriate, it will not bring scandal (if anyone were to think you were a couple and having illicit relations, imagine their shame when they find out you are siblings saving some money).

Not sinful. Not a occasion that gives scandal.

OP, what you suggest is perfectly normal. So long as your relationship is one that would tolerate living together, go for it! It may even be a good way for you to bond more closely.

As to people with dirty minds, there will always be people who will assume the worst in any given situation. A previous poster mentioned her older daughter and a baby sister, and the assumptions that could be made there. I once had someone seriously tell me that I shouldn’t go out to dinner with female friends because the “logical” assumption would be that we were lesbian partners. Apparently this went double if one of my friends was married (I wasn’t at the time) as the “logical” assumption would be that she was engaging in an extramarital lesbian affair. Utter piffle. If you (I’m using the generic “you” here, not the specific) try hard enough, you can attach a potentially sinful motivation to a person going to the grocery store. That doesn’t mean we’re all required to grow every bit of our own food!

 

[Catholic4Jesus]

Thank you guys for all of the feedback. I feel much better about this now. I know this thread seemed a little crazy but I just wanted to be sure.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

The Church actually sometimes calls non-sinful cohabitation “living as brother and sister.”

The reason cohabitation is generally wrong even if the people are (or claim to be) “living as brother and sister” is the probability of sexual temptation and the skepticism so many people would have about the idea that the two are living chastely. However, we can safely assume that no such temptation or skepticism would exist when the two are actually a brother and a sister, so I don’t see what the problem would be.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

It sounds like you might be sabotaging your common sense through a sort of scrupulousness.

You’re lucky you get along. Sounds like a win-win.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, that is fine. It speaks well of you that you even considered this an issue. It is a good thing to be concerned about your neighbors taking scandal.

It is possible that someone might leap to the conclusion that you are neither brother and sister nor husband and wife, but the same could happen to a young couple who are married but do not choose to wear wedding rings. Refer to her and introduce her as your sister; that is enough. People who don’t know you well enough to have been introduced are responsible to withhold negative judgment when such a perfectly reasonable positive situation is possible.

 

[revert_jen]

I once had someone seriously tell me that I shouldn’t go out to dinner with female friends because the “logical” assumption would be that we were lesbian partners. Apparently this went double if one of my friends was married (I wasn’t at the time) as the “logical” assumption would be that she was engaging in an extramarital lesbian affair.

Wow. I mean, wow. So if you’re not married or dating, you never get to eat with anyone?

Actually, if people can’t tell the difference between friendship and lust, to heck with 'em. I’m doing what I want.

These people have been watching to much TV. I’m willing to bet that extramarital lesbian affairs are not MORE common than friendships between married and single (or divorced) women. If the affair is the logical assumption, that implies that it is the most common situation. Sheesh. I have many friendships with married women, and none of them are affairs. (No offense to anyone with SSA, but YUCK!)

To the OP: The biggest problem with boyfriends and girlfriends living together is not the scandal as such these days. It is the near occasion of sin. It is like playing Russian roulette with your chastity. I don’t mean that the scandal is unimportant, if the people are known to be practicing Catholics, but still, living together chastely is much harder than living apart chastely.

This problem wouldn’t apply to you. Also, boyfriends/girlfriends that are living together can only assert that they’re not having sex, which people may not believe, human nature being what it is. You can prove she’s your sister.

–Jen

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Wow. I mean, wow. So if you’re not married or dating, you never get to eat with anyone?

Actually, if people can’t tell the difference between friendship and lust, to heck with 'em. I’m doing what I want.

These people have been watching to much TV. I’m willing to bet that extramarital lesbian affairs are not MORE common than friendships between married and single (or divorced) women. If the affair is the logical assumption, that implies that it is the most common situation. Sheesh. I have many friendships with married women, and none of them are affairs. (No offense to anyone with SSA, but YUCK!)

(…)
–Jen

When it comes to gays and lesbians I don’t really have an ick factor when it come to the sexual/physical affection stuff. But I will give a big, fat YUCK to anyone who sexualizes random chaste relationship of any kind.

(This post is not a criticism of the poster I quoted- I’m just using her “yuck” as a place to jump from.)

 

[UbiCaritas]

Wow. I mean, wow. So if you’re not married or dating, you never get to eat with anyone?

Actually, if people can’t tell the difference between friendship and lust, to heck with 'em. I’m doing what I want.

These people have been watching to much TV. I’m willing to bet that extramarital lesbian affairs are not MORE common than friendships between married and single (or divorced) women. If the affair is the logical assumption, that implies that it is the most common situation. Sheesh. I have many friendships with married women, and none of them are affairs. (No offense to anyone with SSA, but YUCK!)

–Jen

Yep, that was his point of view. Basically, if you could put a sinful spin on something–two female friends going out for coffee, for example–then it was your responsibility to prevent scandal by not doing it, even if it was an activity that is perfectly normal for non-sexually-involved people to engage in. And your take on it was pretty much mine.

To the OP: I’m glad we could help.

 

[Usige]

You do make a good point. But even if a unmarried boyfriend/girlfriend couple were living together and they told everyone they knew that they were remaining celibate until marriage, it would still be sinful. If it is okay for a brother/sister to live together why is it not okay for a boyfriend/girlfriend to live together even if they don’t sleep together, touch each other or have sex until getting married. I hear it’s because it “gives scandal” but I don’t see how it would. After all, only God can judge what people do, people can’t because people don’t always know everything that goes on behind the scenes. I am just trying to stay out of sin.

The difference is that a boyfriend & girlfriend are in a romantic relationship. In many way a romantically involved couple are simulating marriage. On the other hand siblings are not known to regularly simulate marriage.

 

[UbiCaritas]

When it comes to gays and lesbians I don’t really have an ick factor when it come to the sexual/physical affection stuff. But I will give a big, fat YUCK to anyone who sexualizes random chaste relationship of any kind.

Indeed. When I told my best friend about this guy’s point of view, we were pretty thoroughly grossed out by the entire situation. Actually, we thought it might be fun to see him whilst out for coffee and be sure to give each other our usual parting hug before going our separate ways just to see his head explode, but the opportunity never presented itself.