Would it be wrong

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lefty22

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…for me to resume contact with a spiritual director who my parents have told me I can’t talk to anymore when I’m in college and no longer living at home?

The consolidated story is that I’m 17 and I met someone on this forum last year who became my sort of informal spiritual director, as well as a friend. At the time, my parents didn’t know I was a member of CAF, nor did they have any idea I was regularly talking to this other member. (there were some reasons for that, but it gets complicated so I won’t go into it all) Eventually, I was feeling pretty guilty about all the secrecy, and I told my parents about CAF and specifically my conversations with this guy. I knew they would be angry, but I wanted to try to open up our relationship a little, particularly in relation to faith. As expected, I was in huge trouble, and my parents told me that I am not to talk to or interact privately with this guy anymore. I haven’t talked to him since then, and I plan to respect my parents’ request as long as I am living with them. But here’s my question: next year, when I go to college, would it be wrong for me to communicate with him again? And if so, would I need to tell my parents that I was? I miss our conversations – they helped me immensely in my spiritual life – and beyond that, he was a solid friend and someone I definitely would like to get back in touch with.

Thanks for any thoughts! 🙂

peace,
lefty22
 
What’s the rest of the story? Why do they not want you to communicate with him?
 
Are you going to still be living with your parents during breaks from college? If you are, I would consider you to still be “living under their roof,” so to speak. If this is the case, I would encourage you to obey their wishes.
 
Ask yourself the question (if you dare): What did my parents think was inappropriate about this relationship?
 
I think this really depends on your parents’ reasoning for forbidding the relationship. Did they think that something improper was going on? Were they uncomfortable with the idea that you were talking to someone over the internet (who you may or may not know) rather than someone that you can see face-to-face (like a priest)?
 
Rence said:
What’s the rest of the story? Why do they not want you to communicate with him?
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They were threatened because I talked to him behind their backs (they told me I was living a secret life). I never intended for it to be like that; our family has never been very open about faith, I’ve developed a more traditional faith than either of them, and at the time I was going through some things I wasn’t comfortable sharing with them (faith-related), so it just kind of happened. Because our communication was entirely via email and I didn’t “know” this person in person, my parents were also worried about the whole predator thing I guess. They called the guy and talked to him and everything – and couldn’t deny that his intentions to guide me in faith were pure – but they still told us to stop talking, I think more on principle of “keeping me in line” and keeping me from doing anything else like this in the future than anything else.

I definitely can understand their concern, but it kinda sucks because my situation is weird and I can’t exactly just up and find a priest locally to get consistent spiritual direction from. I want to change that right away when I go to college, so I wanted to ask about this now. I’ve been on my own this year and it’s really a challenge given where I’m at.

Does that explain a bit more?
 
^^that will hopefully answer most of your questions. 🙂 The two main issues were that the relationship was developed without my parents knowing and that it was strictly via Internet rather than face-to-face.
 
I am very traditional in my attitude about such matters.
As long as you are living in your parents house, and they are supporting you, whether in college, or feeding you at home, you are obligated to abide by their wishes. I don’t care what your justification is, it is morally unacceptable to be supported by your parents at your age and disregard their wishes as to whom you associate with on the internet or in person.
If you don’t like it, grow up, move out and support yourself…I did at the age of 15 when I went to sea, and that was over 60 years ago… and until they and my brother passed away I never got one red cent from them and managed to acquire 3 college degrees on my own. The point being, If you want to call your life your own, you must earn it and not take anything from someone else. It aint easy, but it can be done and is done every day by those who truely want to be their own man.
Remember, except for American mothers, Western Society does not coddle teenagers.
 
lefty22 said:
They were threatened because I talked to him behind their backs (they told me I was living a secret life). I never intended for it to be like that; our family has never been very open about faith, I’ve developed a more traditional faith than either of them, and at the time I was going through some things I wasn’t comfortable sharing with them (faith-related), so it just kind of happened. Because our communication was entirely via email and I didn’t “know” this person in person, my parents were also worried about the whole predator thing I guess. They called the guy and talked to him and everything – and couldn’t deny that his intentions to guide me in faith were pure – but they still told us to stop talking, I think more on principle of “keeping me in line” and keeping me from doing anything else like this in the future than anything else.

I definitely can understand their concern, but it kinda sucks because my situation is weird and I can’t exactly just up and find a priest locally to get consistent spiritual direction from. I want to change that right away when I go to college, so I wanted to ask about this now. I’ve been on my own this year and it’s really a challenge given where I’m at.

Does that explain a bit more?
Click to expand...
I can’t remember if you are female or male. I guess as a parent I would be a little concerned about a male contacting you secretly (assuming you’re female). As a forum member, though, I have to say I’m not objective because I myself have received a lot of help from forum members, both on threads and through PMs. So I am glad, on that level, that you were helped by this relationship. If your parents actually contacted your friend and found him to be purely motivated, what is the problem with the relationship? Maybe they are jealous a bit? Also you are growing up and are going to be moving away - it’s a weird time for parents, and sometimes we might over-react and tighten up when we should be giving our teenagers more freedom along with more responsibility. It’s very hard to trust the world nowdays - we find it a scary place to turn our kids out into. But presumably you have your head on straight and can discern whether you are dealing with a stalker…

I would say that you shouldn’t really keep secrets from your folks. If you do continue the relationship once you get to college, that is your choice, they can’t really forbid you to contact him. Well, they could, but it would be pretty ridiculous for them to try and control you that much. I’m not sure if you want to know whether you should go behind their backs right now and I would say, no, not while you are in their home. You can still talk to them about it, try to explain your POV, ask them why they are so opposed to this guy at least just talking to you.

I can see it from both sides, so I guess I’m not going to be that helpful to you.

Sorry.
 
Yes, when you leave home, you get to decide who your friends are and how to conduct your friendships.

Do remember, however, that anyone you meet on the internet is a total stranger, and a stranger bound by none of the professional standards that normally bind a spiritual director. You ought not consider someone a true spiritual director until you find one who has had a real formation in that field and is answerable *to you *to some norms of that sort. You certainly should not take their discretion for granted, nor should you assume that sharing personal information is without far more risk than it would be in a professional relationship. Rather, consider this person an acquaintance, albeit one who has been valuable in the past, a nice-seeming person who nevertheless may be far more or less than they seem to be in your imagination.
 
Having been a 17 year old back when there was the internet but no one knew the term Online predator…I think I can offer you a little insight.

There are a million flags to me in your posts. The fact your parents didn’t know in the beginning, the fact you didn’t mention his age, the fact you don’t feel you can go to a priest for spiritual direction, the fact your parents banned him even after talking to him, and the fact you are having a hard time giving up these conversations.

Honey, you are in over your head.

Maybe nothing inappropriate was going on, but it sounds like you might be just a bit too invested in this relationship given your age and the nature of it.

Your parents love you and they care more about your well-being than any stranger on the internet. They also have a lot more world experience than you do…trust them on this one and let it go.

Don’t spend your first year in college emailing some stranger. College is a great time to go out and meet new people but you have to GO out to meet them. That’s a lot harder to do when you are wanting to email and chat with someone on the computer.

If you need spiritual direction discuss this with your parents and priest! I’m sure between all of you, you’ll get some ideas of how to fill that void.
 
I must say – there is an enormus amount of human misery which begins with the statement, “I’m not allowed to see person x, but when I go to college I can see who I want!”

Why does OP get a pass from some, because “person x” is called a “spiritual director?”

IMHO there there may be very little difference between i) a spiritual director who gives counsel in secret, and who is comfortable guiding a 17 year old after that person’s parents make clear he is not to speak with their child; and ii) a cult leader, or worse.

The truth is, we don’t know anything about him. He could be one year older than OP, and markedly unqualified to guide anyone. He could be 42 and hitting on younger women, all the worse if he’s claiming some sort of spiritual influence over OP.

TheRealJuliane, we have no reason to think the parents are jealous. You say that parents find the world a scary place – because it is, and it is far scarier than 99.9% of 17 year olds think.

OP, If you want to further discuss this, you’d need IMHO to explain:
  1. Exactly who this “spiritual director” is, what he says, where he is in relation to you; and
  2. Why your parents forbade contact; and
  3. What this “spiritual director’s” response to your parents’ directives were.
Absent really, REALLY satisfactory answers, I’m sorry, OP, I’d trust your parents on this one.
 
lefty22 said:
They were threatened because I talked to him behind their backs (they told me I was living a secret life). I never intended for it to be like that; our family has never been very open about faith, I’ve developed a more traditional faith than either of them, and at the time I was going through some things I wasn’t comfortable sharing with them (faith-related), so it just kind of happened. Because our communication was entirely via email and I didn’t “know” this person in person, my parents were also worried about the whole predator thing I guess. They called the guy and talked to him and everything – and couldn’t deny that his intentions to guide me in faith were pure – but they still told us to stop talking, I think more on principle of “keeping me in line” and keeping me from doing anything else like this in the future than anything else.

I definitely can understand their concern, but it kinda sucks because my situation is weird and I can’t exactly just up and find a priest locally to get consistent spiritual direction from. I want to change that right away when I go to college, so I wanted to ask about this now. I’ve been on my own this year and it’s really a challenge given where I’m at.

Does that explain a bit more?
Click to expand...
You say that you’re headed off to college soon–is there a Newman center in that college? Many colleges have them. I suggest beginning your search for a face-to-face spiritual director there. If there isn’t a place like that at the college you’re headed to, then I’m sure that there is a local parish in the city where your college is, and you could start asking there.

Given that your parents have still forbidden the relationship even after talking with this person… it just seems like a relationship that might best be left alone for right now. There are just too many unknowns right now for me to advise otherwise.
 
StarFireKK said:
the fact your parents banned him even after talking to him, and the fact you are having a hard time giving up these conversations.

Honey, you are in over your head.

Maybe nothing inappropriate was going on, but it sounds like you might be just a bit too invested in this relationship given your age and the nature of it.
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This. You are putting way too much into the fact that you want this guy in your life. If you really need this much help with your spiritual life, there are other options. As suggested, talk to your priest, your parents, or a youth minister.

However, I think you view this relationship as a relationship that it is not, but you are not saying that.
 
You sound as though your parents weren’t shy of telling you why they didn’t want you to contact him, and for us to judge accurately we would need that information. If the full story is that they were worried you were living a secret life etc. then it may be important to know whether or not they were upset that you were seeking holiness. (And for those who find the idea alien I can assure you there are parents like that.) If they just felt that being close to God was alienating you from them, or more likely their view of how you should be, then by all means talk to Frank. If that’s not the case or at least not the full story then we don’t have enough information to judge.
 
It would be wrong.

Your parents, who presumably still provide for you, help with tuition, house you on semester breaks, etc. still deserve your obedience.

When you provide for yourself, you no longer need to obey them but they still deserve your honor and respect.

Other posters have offered realistic possibilities as to what’s wrong with the email counsel relationship. Ill offer another lapse: prudence on the part of the advisor.

A few years ago on CAF an older teen repeatedly posted about a related set of problems. I responded to her posts and she pmd me asking for permission to continue to message me. I told her no. The same situation occurred with another poster. I won’t accept, allow, invite or maintain a private message/ email relationship with anybody I don’t know. Especially someone seeking counsel. ESPECIALLY a young adult or teen.

Ask your parents to provide you with a counselor or ask them for permission to contact the diocese for a spiritual director. Or, as mentioned previously, find the campus Newman center or student parish and seek help there.
 
Why not ask your parents if it would be OK for you to go through your diocese and be put in touch with a registered spiritual director in person. This way they know it is on the “up and up.” and there is no secrecy. You also know the person you are communicating with has the proper credentials to be doing spiritual direction.
 
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