Would like to hear from grandparents re addicted adult child and grandchild(ren) caught in the middle

[3DOCTORS]

I want to help a friend of mine facing this situation. Her son one state away is married to a mentally ill drug addicted woman, and the son has done some drugs himself. The woman is abusive and pulls all kinds of crazy stunts; the son is afraid of her. The grandson, teenage, has been the hostage in all of it. My friend keeps sending money even though she knows it’s probably ending up in the drug dealers’ pockets. But I think it’s because the minor is involved (though he is probably going to be so damaged by the time he turns 18 I shudder to think) that she feels helpless to do anything else.

Please anyone who has had any success dealing with this via Protective Services or a private attorney, share something hopeful?

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Tell your friend to stop sending money, and to tell her son to get away from the woman.

By sending money, she is enabling a sinful habit. It’s not her intent, but we have to look at it rationally. She desires to help her son, but is only harming him by giving his wife means to engage in her drug habit. As for the son, he has a duty to his child to protect him, even if that means protecting him from his money.

This is based only on what you’ve written here, so it will take some specific application to this situation, but if it is as you have described, the woman needs help, and money is not the help she needs.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Tell your friend to stop sending money, and to tell her son to get away from the woman.

By sending money, she is enabling a sinful habit. It’s not her intent, but we have to look at it rationally. She desires to help her son, but is only harming him by giving his wife means to engage in her drug habit. As for the son, he has a duty to his child to protect him, even if that means protecting him from his money.

This is based only on what you’ve written here, so it will take some specific application to this situation, but if it is as you have described, the woman needs help, and money is not the help she needs.

This is exactly what I and her other friends have said. The son keeps coming up with this crisis or that - like he’d be able to get a job but he needs to get the car fixed, or something - no one has that much bad luck, at least a large percentage of it has to be tall tales to get money because the car never gets fixed, the job never materializes etc. It appears that the woman has the worse problem but the man has had some drug usage.

It’s the kid, knowing what’s happening to him . . . I’d be Grandma Bear if it were me and get him out of there somehow before I’d let him be screwed up for life. The crazy woman is his bio mother and has on occasions threatened to kill him or to kill herself in front of him, the law has been involved but obviously ineffective. It’s just a nightmare scenario, but one of those where I suppose the crazy drama stuff would have to happen right out in the open in front of law enforcement for them to be able to make any charges stick and get the kid into foster care.

Well, if anyone has ever seen this sort of thing dealt with with a positive outcome, please let me know how so I can pass it along to my friend. I think she’s so worn down by it all and fears there’d be little chance of success that she’s sort of given up trying to do what would really be effective. The son is not 100% blameless, there was a triggering incident but the woman is extremely vindictive, manipulative, and abusive. I don’t know all the details, and don’t want to say more than is discreet online. I just wish this didn’t have to hurt my friend and her grandchild.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is exactly what I and her other friends have said. The son keeps coming up with this crisis or that - like he’d be able to get a job but he needs to get the car fixed, or something - no one has that much bad luck, at least a large percentage of it has to be tall tales to get money because the car never gets fixed, the job never materializes etc. It appears that the woman has the worse problem but the man has had some drug usage.

It’s the kid, knowing what’s happening to him . . . I’d be Grandma Bear if it were me and get him out of there somehow before I’d let him be screwed up for life. The crazy woman is his bio mother and has on occasions threatened to kill him or to kill herself in front of him, the law has been involved but obviously ineffective. It’s just a nightmare scenario, but one of those where I suppose the crazy drama stuff would have to happen right out in the open in front of law enforcement for them to be able to make any charges stick and get the kid into foster care.

Well, if anyone has ever seen this sort of thing dealt with with a positive outcome, please let me know how so I can pass it along to my friend. I think she’s so worn down by it all and fears there’d be little chance of success that she’s sort of given up trying to do what would really be effective. The son is not 100% blameless, there was a triggering incident but the woman is extremely vindictive, manipulative, and abusive. I don’t know all the details, and don’t want to say more than is discreet online. I just wish this didn’t have to hurt my friend and her grandchild.

I would think the best thing she can do is to figure out how to get her grandchild out of there. Is this something the grandchild is interested in accomplishing? If so, that is the only thing I’d give money to help with.

 

[Elena321]

You mentioned she has a mental illness,which mean she is not in intent of her actions, so calling her name like 'the crazy woman" is wrong/not Christlike as she is in a way a part of “the least of thee” that is mention in the bible.
At the same time though,you already know friend needs to stop sending the money as the crisis’s is not real,what can change until she makes this decision to stop paying for drug habit?
Husband must commit to better life for his children and go to counselling,on his own at first.

 

[3DOCTORS]

You mentioned she has a mental illness,which mean she is not in intent of her actions, so calling her name like 'the crazy woman" is wrong/not Christlike as she is in a way a part of “the least of thee” that is mention in the bible.
At the same time though,you already know friend needs to stop sending the money as the crisis’s is not real,what can change until she makes this decision to stop paying for drug habit?
Husband must commit to better life for his children and go to counselling,on his own at first.

I stand corrected; not the best choice of words. Mea culpa. It’s easy sometimes to fall into labels as a sort of shorthand but I understand they offend some. And sometimes with my own issues I call myself “crazy” as a way of having a sense of sardonic humor and distancing myself from the frustrations of dealing with my own stuff. But I’ll refrain from using it to describe another person, how’s that sound.

Moving right along . . . I guess there just really isn’t much I and other friends can say to change her mind but I sure would like to hear some success stories if anyone has been able to extricate a grandchild from a situation like this so that then they could start saying no to the child and spouse without fearing for the grandchild’s safety. Ironically, the grandchild is probably already damaged so badly . . . please pray, anyway. I’ve already put up a prayer thread, but thought I’d also seek advice on this family forum from those who’ve been “in the trenches.”