Would this hurt your feelings?

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SummerSmiles

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Quick question regarding birthdays.

One of my husband’s coworkers is throwing a housewarming party. It’s the first real party that’s been thrown in the office in a long time, and DH and I were really looking forward to attending. Especially considering that we’re close friends with the couple throwing the party–we helped them with moving into their house and all that jazz. DH and I don’t get a lot of chances to get out and socialize as it is and it would be really nice to finally get a chance to go mingle with people our own age. But it’s on my mother’s birthday, which falls on a Saturday. I talked to my dad about it, and he pointedly announced that since it was Mom’s birthday *he *was going to stay home and celebrate with her, and suggested that we go to the party after the kids go to sleep. (It’s a dinner and then evening/late night party.)

DH and I really want to go and we were thinking of suggesting that we celebrate my mom’s birthday more during the lunch time hours. We’d still do a little party, cake/ice cream, presents, etc. during that time. And then go to the party during the dinner hour so that we can have a chance to see some of our friends. Or is that not a good idea/would that offend you if your kids suggested that?
 
My family stopped doing adult birthdays a few years back so I don’t know what to tell you about that. Too many hurt feelings and schedules to work out. So, we send cards or call each other. But if I were attending two things on the same day, I would go to both and leave the first one early. You can definitely go see your mom earlier, spend time with her, and then head to the house warming.
 
No, and my mom would be fine with it. My inlaws would probably not talk to DH for a month though. It depends how reasonable they are.
 
I am happy with “happy birthday, Mom” and maybe dinner out, but if I have to wait until a better day it’s alright. As long as your mom gets acknowledged for her special day, then it’s all good. In my book.

It is clearly important to you to not disappoint your mom, so i would talk to her. She may think it has to be at the exact time on the exact day. Your dad is planning on it, so maybe it was an issue in the past in her mind. But maybe you should talk to the birthday girl and explain things.

Besides, what does your husband want to do?
 
It would in no way hurt my feelings. But i wouldn’t care if someone acknowledged my birthday a week before or a week later. I kind of like it as it spreads it out. (And i did not ask my mom around her birthday, so i know she was giving me an honest answer).

But i assumed that everyone felt that way. So one time, i was talking to my mom and asked her that very question. Even though she has six kids, she told me that it would bother her. She needs to be called on her birthday. it’s really important to her.

now with six kids, we don’t all have to do everything together. So if someone stops over for lunch and another for dinner - she’d be fine with that.

I guess my point is - you know your mother and her sensibilities. Would she feel like you are squeezing her in when it is convenient for you? Or is she so happy to see you that she genuinely wouldn’t care what time of day it is (or for the previous night or subsequent day for that matter).
 
Of course not! I would be happy if my kids offered to do anything for my birthday! And if they wanted to go to a party, no problem. I’m going to be x years old all year.
 
petitfleur said:
No, and my mom would be fine with it. My inlaws would probably not talk to DH for a month though. It depends how reasonable they are.
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Well, I’m leaning more towards “not talking for a month” but I kind of always see the worst case scenario with things like this. My inlaws would have no problem whatsoever.
mamaslo said:
It is clearly important to you to not disappoint your mom, so i would talk to her. She may think it has to be at the exact time on the exact day. Your dad is planning on it, so maybe it was an issue in the past in her mind. But maybe you should talk to the birthday girl and explain things.

Besides, what does your husband want to do?
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DH really wants to go to the party and celebrate with my mom earlier in the day. He’s already kind of thinking that we’ll have to skip out on the party because of the birthday thing and he’s pretty disappointed about it.

Dad feels like it’s Mom’s day and we should do whatever she wants all day long. For the record, she and my dad have been invited to the party as well, because they are also friends with this couple. Mom doesn’t want to go because it’s her birthday and she doesn’t want to deal with social events on her birthday. If she doesn’t want to go that’s fine, which is why I’d like to go later and celebrate with her earlier in the day. I know that for my own birthday, I wouldn’t mind at all if other family members went to the party. I just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a sort of generation gap thing that I was completely missing out on.
 
My birthday was near Christmas, so the celebration was always either small or on a different day, sometimes even a different month. My mom was the same way.

The question, OP, is how was it in your family? If your parents raised you to believe there was something big about dinnertime on THE DAY of someone’s birthday, then take that into account. If, growing up, they celebrated your birthday at a convenient time and day near your birthday, then the precedent has been set. Talk to your mom within that context. Be aware, though, that while your mother may be totally fine with you moving it, your dad may still decide to be hurt on her behalf. If she is totally fine with it, don’t forget to ask her about how your dad will be.

I hope you don’t make your parents babysit for you on her birthday, though. You ought to leave them free that night. If you can’t, then I would explain to the friend that the only babysitter not also at the party will be having her 74th birthday that night, so you would like permission to arrive late.
 
EasterJoy said:
My birthday was near Christmas, so the celebration was always either small or on a different day, sometimes even a different month. My mom was the same way.

The question, OP, is how was it in your family? If your parents raised you to believe there was something big about dinnertime on THE DAY of someone’s birthday, then take that into account. If, growing up, they celebrated your birthday at a convenient time and day near your birthday, then the precedent has been set. Talk to your mom within that context. Be aware, though, that while your mother may be totally fine with you moving it, your dad may still decide to be hurt on her behalf. If she is totally fine with it, don’t forget to ask her about how your dad will be.

I hope you don’t make your parents babysit for you on her birthday, though. You ought to leave them free that night. If you can’t, then I would explain to the friend that the only babysitter not also at the party will be having her 74th birthday that night, so you would like permission to arrive late.
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I think Dad doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by wanting to go to a party on the same night. I understand that–she’s his wife and he should be with her on her birthday. In our family, we celebrate birthdays for a week. We have a big celebration on the day if it falls on a weekend, otherwise we just do a special dinner on the day and save the big party for the weekend. DH and I want to still give her the chance to have her big party, we just aren’t sure if it has to go all day long. And, the way I see it, if we celebrate for a whole week anyways, the one day shouldn’t make much of a difference. Unless it’s going to completely hurt her feelings and then we’ll probably sacrifice our chance to see people our own age in favor of her birthday.

We live with my parents right now, so the babysitting thing has thrown a hitch into things. They would be completely offended if we hired a babysitter so that we could go to the party–we’d be leaving Mom on her birthday night AND keeping her away from the kids. On the other hand, we don’t want to just say, “bye! take the kids for us!” I’m not sure if you’ve read my other thread regarding my parents, but they generally drop everything so that they don’t miss out on one tiny bit of the kids’ lives. They’d be completely offended if we got anyone other than them to babysit.
 
I never understand why adults make a big deal out of their birthday. If anything, they should thank their mother on that day. She did all the work.

I just want my kids to remember it is my birthday and wish me a happy birthday. I also do not want to have to cook on my birthday. No big deal and I don’t even care if I get a present. My one issue is my husband . He never gives me gifts on the day of the event (valentine,anniversary,bday, Christmas). I did tell him last year, I only want a card and it must be on the special day not a week or months later.

It does not bother me at all when my kids have other plans on my birthday.
 
My first thought was you should do as your husband wished…visit Mom with your family in the afternoon to celebrate her birthday, then get your sitter and go to your party in the evening. That would be reasonable.

Then I just read your last statement…that you are living with your parents, and they would be watching your kids. Under that circumstance, since you are basically “guests” of your parents, I would do as they wished.
 
SummerSmiles said:
I think Dad doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by wanting to go to a party on the same night. I understand that–she’s his wife and he should be with her on her birthday. In our family, we celebrate birthdays for a week. We have a big celebration on the day if it falls on a weekend, otherwise we just do a special dinner on the day and save the big party for the weekend. DH and I want to still give her the chance to have her big party, we just aren’t sure if it has to go all day long. And, the way I see it, if we celebrate for a whole week anyways, the one day shouldn’t make much of a difference. Unless it’s going to completely hurt her feelings and then we’ll probably sacrifice our chance to see people our own age in favor of her birthday.

We live with my parents right now, so the babysitting thing has thrown a hitch into things. They would be completely offended if we hired a babysitter so that we could go to the party–we’d be leaving Mom on her birthday night AND keeping her away from the kids. On the other hand, we don’t want to just say, “bye! take the kids for us!” I’m not sure if you’ve read my other thread regarding my parents, but they generally drop everything so that they don’t miss out on one tiny bit of the kids’ lives. They’d be completely offended if we got anyone other than them to babysit.
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Living with your parents throws a new wrinkle into it. They are being exceedingly generous–with strings attached, yes, but apparently that was part of the bargain.

If you decide to go to the party, period, then tell your parents you are going and ask if you should hire a sitter so that they can go out. If that solution doesn’t fit your situation, then talk to your mom, do what she says to do, and let her work it out with your dad. If that means you’re going to miss some or all of the other party, so be it. Those are the only two choices I see open. Since you are living with your parents, your friends with the housewarming will undoubtedly understand that you are in a situation where “command performances” are part of the rent.
 
PS Just in case, I thought I’d mention this. When our kids were small, my MIL lived with us. They didn’t know any sitter but her until they were 18 months old. Lo and behold, all the adults in the household got a wedding invitation to a family wedding. Not only were the kids not invited, the event would have been totally unsuitable for them. We had to find a sitter.

OK, so at 18 months, our kids got their first “outside” sitter. Even though we did all we could to prepare them, even though the sitting was in our home in familiar surroundings, it was a huge disaster. Our kids would not go near any woman who came into our home for literally years after that. If you do not have a sitter other than your parents for your young children, that reason alone is one reason to get one! It is far easier to get them used to the idea before they get to the “stranger” stage.
 
Talk to your mom. I would tell her that you want to go to the party at X time and suggest celebrating with her earlier in the day. I would be careful of framing this discussion as asking permission. While you want to be gracious while living in their home, there are reasonable boundaries that you should make an effort at maintaining (ie, I’m now an adult with my own kids, I don’t need mom’s permission to go to a party)

Also, have any firm plans been made for Mom’s birthday? If not, the first invitation issued (in this case the house warming party) takes precedence per Emily Post and Miss Manners. I don’t know if that will sway your parents at all, but I mention it so that you know its not wrong to want to go to something you were invited to vs. hanging around at home ‘just in case.’
 
EasterJoy said:
PS Just in case, I thought I’d mention this. When our kids were small, my MIL lived with us. They didn’t know any sitter but her until they were 18 months old. Lo and behold, all the adults in the household got a wedding invitation to a family wedding. Not only were the kids not invited, the event would have been totally unsuitable for them. We had to find a sitter.

OK, so at 18 months, our kids got their first “outside” sitter. Even though we did all we could to prepare them, even though the sitting was in our home in familiar surroundings, it was a huge disaster. Our kids would not go near any woman who came into our home for literally years after that. If you do not have a sitter other than your parents for your young children, that reason alone is one reason to get one! It is far easier to get them used to the idea before they get to the “stranger” stage.
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My daughter already has issues with that! They kicked her out of nursery at church because all she does is cry and it takes all of one person’s time just to attend to her. We are still trying to get her to be more comfortable around people other than us because it really does limit us at times. My son, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. He has no problems with being away from us at all. He can’t wait until it’s finally time for preschool!
 
SummerSmiles said:
DH and I really want to go and we were thinking of suggesting that we celebrate my mom’s birthday more during the lunch time hours. We’d still do a little party, cake/ice cream, presents, etc. during that time. And then go to the party during the dinner hour so that we can have a chance to see some of our friends. Or is that not a good idea/would that offend you if your kids suggested that?
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Can’t you have it both ways? Take your mom out for breakfast or lunch. Does she need your dad’s permission to go? He can celebrate his way later. 2 parties = 2 times the fun!
 
SummerSmiles said:
. Or is that not a good idea/would that offend you if your kids suggested that?
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depends
are you also expecting her to babysit?

I think you Dad gave you a hint of what she expects, but you know her best.
we don’t and never have celebrated adult birthdays on either side, except for MIL’s which must always be a grand occasion

quite frankly if any of my kids put my concerns, b-day, needs, special occasion, or wishes above their own at any time in any way it would probably give me a stroke.
 
Your mom will not be here forever. Really, birthday is once each year - you can throw a party for your friends any weekend of the year.

Mom, my friends are so cool, so we will just pencil you in for lunch, mkay mom? Oh, and we want you to baby sit as well. Thanks.

When your daughter grows up, would you be happy with that phone call?
 
I wouldn’t be offended if my daughter were in your shoes. I’d say go! have fun!
SummerSmiles said:
Quick question regarding birthdays.

One of my husband’s coworkers is throwing a housewarming party. It’s the first real party that’s been thrown in the office in a long time, and DH and I were really looking forward to attending. Especially considering that we’re close friends with the couple throwing the party–we helped them with moving into their house and all that jazz. DH and I don’t get a lot of chances to get out and socialize as it is and it would be really nice to finally get a chance to go mingle with people our own age. But it’s on my mother’s birthday, which falls on a Saturday. I talked to my dad about it, and he pointedly announced that since it was Mom’s birthday *he *was going to stay home and celebrate with her, and suggested that we go to the party after the kids go to sleep. (It’s a dinner and then evening/late night party.)

DH and I really want to go and we were thinking of suggesting that we celebrate my mom’s birthday more during the lunch time hours. We’d still do a little party, cake/ice cream, presents, etc. during that time. And then go to the party during the dinner hour so that we can have a chance to see some of our friends. Or is that not a good idea/would that offend you if your kids suggested that?
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agnes_therese said:
I wouldn’t be offended if my daughter were in your shoes. I’d say go! have fun!
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I think I’d be irked to find you missed a friend’s housewarming on my account, when I had not asked for any such thing. My MIL would want us to move her celebration by a night, so we could do both.

The OP may be in the position that she irks Dad if she does one thing and irks Mom if she does another…welcome to the 3-generation household!
 
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