Would this upset you?

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Lifeisamazing

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Need some objective POV’s on a situation with my husband.

Ok, some quick history.

When I got pregnant he was rather indifferent to me.

When the baby was born he was jealous of the attention that was directed away from him. (He has an “everything is about me” type of being, but I figured time and maturity would cure that.)

He began to objectify me sexually to other men. Talking about me graphically, and often in front of me and our new baby. I asked him to stop and I got a tyrade with lots of F’s and B’s saying that I “always have to start trouble”.

He was unfeeling about my condition and would approach me for intercourse by de- pantsing me as I stood at the stove grogging eyed from being up all night with a new baby after a c-section. I gently spoke to him about taking a different approach, and that was met with disgust. “You always have some stipulation”.

Road rage. Very scary instances with me and baby in car where he was chasing someone down. Often for some minor offense that was probably an accident. I would beg to please stop and was told “Shut the F up”.

Symptoms of anxiety disorder are present. He was put on anti-depressant.

Did 2 different marriage counselors. He didn’t really participate.

Has been iffy with our almost 2 year old now. By this I mean, I felt he was not careful with him. (DS was days old and he invited our pit bull onto our bed and made him lay down on the edge of the bed. Then propped DS against him and stood back to take pics. Called me in the room real proud of himself!) I have felt at times he acts like a 15 year old instead of a man and his judgement is lax. He is sometimes a bit of a bully with our son. “I am gonna make a man outta him”. I have gone toe to toe on this and it seems to be getting better.

He wanted to seperate. I begged to work on it. I finally gave up and agreed to seperate. He said no, we will work on it.

Then I find out he spent over $6000 on a 4wheeler and kept it at his divorced buddy’s house and didn’t tell me. Bought this on our anniversary. Claims it was for us. Can’t afford it. Want to pay off debt, sell house, move out to country. I was shocked and hurt. He claims, “He is the man- he can do whatever he wants.”

Then I found him on Facebook. He tore me to pieces 3 years ago when I joined myspace. My friends and family are all states away. It was only my brothers, cousins, and childhood friends. I stopped using it b/c it bothered him. I then discovered his Facebook with over 100 girls he went to school with. I also found a lot of internet Porn.

Then I found he was on www.plentyoffish.com . Saying he was seperated and had “plenty of free time for fun”. He claims he never did anything and wouldn’t. Was just lonely that we weren’t getting along.

Okay. Now this is the newest and latest. Would this anger you ladies and gentlemen?

He has been nicer. But, I went up on the computer and saw more porn. Also, see him looking at a LOT of provocative facebook pictures of single girls he went to high school with. Was able to repopulate chats where he is talking to some of these girls and saying I am “mean” and that I am “one of those Northerners” and how I don’t like anything he likes (outdoors, travel, etc.). I love those things, but ahem— NOT riding on that 4wheeler he bought behind my back. Last time he asked me to go camping I was 9MONTHS PREGNANT and it was 98 degrees. :mad:

I see all these pictures and chat sessions. I can only imagine what he says to these girls when he is at work on his Facebook. He is a fireman, and they have LOTS of free time to goof around. I know he is chatting a lot at work b/c he had to apologize to another guy’s wife for saying to her “you look good from all sides” on one chat I saw from home.

I confronted him and he says, “I am tired of your sh–” and started swearing and throwing things.

I am fairly sure at this point that he has cheated on me.

He refuses to return to counseling.

The more I find the worse I feel. He is still very crude sexually and I am concerned for my son and how his dad will warp his view of women.

I believe he is jekyll & hyde. He acts so sugary sweet and “aw shucks” in public and everyone thinks he is so great. I have caught him lying about me several times to gain sympathy from others.

I must be sick for staying. He is not Catholic and has a very ignorant view of the church- which was not how he acted when we got married. It is as if now that we have a baby, he thinks I am trapped and can behave like a complete jerk.

I know this is long. Just so far in despair right now.😊😦

Would the pics on Facebook and chats anger you? One girl on there posts things like, “need someone new to play with tonight”. I told him to block her, but he hasn’t.🤷

God help me and my son.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
I must be sick for staying. He is not Catholic and has a very ignorant view of the church- which was not how he acted when we got married. It is as if now that we have a baby, he thinks I am trapped and can behave like a complete jerk.
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Prayers for you. But leave. Today. With your child.

This man has problems that are beyond your ability to fix. When you lack power you have to give things to God and I think that’s what you need to do with your husband.
 
I will pray for you.

Please leave, and take your son. If you are afraid you have nowhere to go, contact your priest or go here and find help in your area.
 
It would upset anyone normal.

You’ve stuck around far too long. You need to make a plan to leave. You need to see an attorney. Have you discussed this with your priest? This isn’t a situation that you can work on. You need to take action and leave this abusive and dysfunctional relationship for the sake of your safety and sanity and most especially your son.
 
dulcissima said:
It would upset anyone normal.

You’ve stuck around far too long. You need to make a plan to leave. You need to see an attorney. Have you discussed this with your priest? This isn’t a situation that you can work on. You need to take action and leave this abusive and dysfunctional relationship for the sake of your safety and sanity and most especially your son.
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I have spoken to my priest several times over the past several months. I have consulted an attorney. It seems when I am ready to pull the trigger, he changes up on me and I stay. But, then ofcourse I am finding his deception.

I want to leave and take my son to my parents house, but he is very loud about the fact that he will have our son 50/50 and if I take him he will come for him. Legally, he could show up there and try to take him. I do not want that stress for my son or my parents or myself. My son loves his dad very much also, but I am sick over some of the behavior my husband has exhibited with our son. He also does good things with him too, don’t get me wrong. I am especially worried about his attitude about women and sex and how he will direct our son, and about girlfriend’s around our son. (on recent long car rides that were supposed to be family days to the mountains, my husband kept putting his hands down my pants wanting to stimulate me to orgasm with our son in the back seat! I told him NO WAY! OUR SON IS IN THE BACK! He said he can’t see and doesn’t know. I checked the computer and saw he was viewing porno immediately before our car trip.)

This scares the daylights out of me. If he tries this with me and our son in the car, what is he willing to do with a girlfriend and our son in the car? I feel like throwing up.

Family/friends are saying I need to ask for custody. Problem is, things will get VERY nasty and I know my husband is already manipulating to get witnesses to see him being Mr. Wonderful Dad. Everyone thinks he is so wonderful. What happens in private is rarely seen by anyone but me. My parents have seen some things, and a couple of my friends. I am very scared of this whole thing.
 
You need to talk to an attorney, you should have no trouble getting custody. You can file asap.

I also strongly urge you to check out some of the organizations in the link I gave you earlier. Just scroll down until you find US, and then your state.

By talking to someone who knows the laws, and who can have a closer view of the situation, you are going to get much better advice than you will here on the internet.
 
I’ve been through this exact scenario, only I stuck it out 17 years, since I kept allowing myself to hope that things would finally get better.

I left, went up to my parents’ house with the kids. At the advice of my priest, I stopped and checked in with the police so he couldn’t claim that I kidnapped them. He did try to claim that I kidnapped them. That didn’t fly with the judge. In the end, he got ordered out of the house and had supervised visitation with the children until he could get his drinking worked out through AA and we went to mediation to work out a more permanent arrangement. He has always pushed for 50/50, but it has been more than 3 years and he has not been given it. He does get the children every other weekend and one day during the week. He does frequently cancel those. What’s good for the kids is that they spend the majority of their days in a stable environment, not some crazy place. His world is not their world. It’s been very good for everyone.

At the outset, my child support and spousal support was about 50% of his take home pay. That has gone down now that I have a full time job. I recently moved into my own place and it feels great to finally have a nice, peaceful home.

The divorce is final, I have received my decree off nullity, am dating and have been in a relationship with a wonderful, kind Catholic man for over a year now. Life is good.

My ex used to tell me that he would leave me, get a good attorney, and pay me nothing…that I could see how hard it is to be a single mom. Then, when I left him, he had all sorts of threats about how he would make it hell for me. Just at some point you learn to stop buying into all of their nonsense, stop arguing, stop responding, and start living your own life.

Believe me, judges and mediators can see right through all of this. They have seen it a million times. There is nothing original about an abuser. They all say and do the same things, and guess what, the law is not on their side. It doesn’t all turn out perfectly and it is often a battle that seems very uphill, but leaving and building your own life is very doable.

My best advice is to talk to a domestic violence center. They can talk you through it for free. You need to start keeping a journal and come up with a plan of action to leave and put this behind you. I know what it is like to be a deer in the headlights, full of anxiety, but life really does get better if you take action. AND DON’T FALL FOR “I’ve seen the light. I’m a new man. I will change.” It only gets worse.
 
I would be terrified.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY for the Deaf)
National Domestic Violence Hotline

I wish I had known about the above organization when I had a very bad boyfriend at 16 years old (who sounds a lot like your husband, except he was a volunteer for the local police department). I was eventually sexually assaulted multiple times, threats were made on my life and the lives of my family, and I was stalked, among other things.

Please speak with an attorney who specializes in DV, and call the DV hotline today.
 
As long as he can manipulate you, he has you. Separating doesn’t necessarily mean divorce; who knows it could be the wake up call for him to get his life straightened up and the needed help he requires.

Speak further with your priest, if you do leave, follow the suggestion and stop by the police station and let them know. You may wish to get a restraining order as well.
 
Your husband is a dangerous man.

I would consult an attorney regarding FULL custody with either terminated parental rights for him or supervised visitation. But before I left I would:

(a) download and print all his chats/porn/facebook and single’s hook-up site activity and send them registered mail to the attorney or someone else

(b) wire myself with audio (at a minimum) and video if I could-- and tape all his out-of-the-public eye behavior towards me and the child, most especially threatening and inappropriate care of your son, language directed at you, and trying to force himself sexually on you.

Truly, I would plan carefully and be prepared for my departure. Save up money that he cannot get his hands on-- deposit with your attorney, safe-deposit box, wired to your parents thorugh Western Union, something that gets your assets totally away from him as much as possible.
 
I don’t know about DV- he hasn’t hit me. Anything he does is verbal. Before he got on anti-depressants, I was very afraid of the behavior. But, the medication seems to do some good in the aggressiveness area.

Plus, I have pushed past being frightened to being angry and thinking, “You cannot hurt me anymore than you already have- I am not scared of you” attitude.

It is just exhausting. I hate to say it, I want to out him. I want the world to know that I am not the mean terrible wife he tells everyone I am. I probably shouldn’t care. I just feel isolated and alone and misunderstood in this chaotic environment.
 
1ke said:
Your husband is a dangerous man.

I would consult an attorney regarding FULL custody with either terminated parental rights for him or supervised visitation. But before I left I would:

(a) download and print all his chats/porn/facebook and single’s hook-up site activity and send them registered mail to the attorney or someone else

(b) wire myself with audio (at a minimum) and video if I could-- and tape all his out-of-the-public eye behavior towards me and the child, most especially threatening and inappropriate care of your son, language directed at you, and trying to force himself sexually on you.

Truly, I would plan carefully and be prepared for my departure. Save up money that he cannot get his hands on-- deposit with your attorney, safe-deposit box, wired to your parents thorugh Western Union, something that gets your assets totally away from him as much as possible.
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My thoughts have wandered in this direction. I just can’t believe this situaton.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
I don’t know about DV- he hasn’t hit me. Anything he does is verbal. Before he got on anti-depressants, I was very afraid of the behavior. But, the medication seems to do some good in the aggressiveness area.

Plus, I have pushed past being frightened to being angry and thinking, “You cannot hurt me anymore than you already have- I am not scared of you” attitude.

It is just exhausting. I hate to say it, I want to out him. I want the world to know that I am not the mean terrible wife he tells everyone I am. I probably shouldn’t care. I just feel isolated and alone and misunderstood in this chaotic environment.
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This is exactly why you need to talk to a DV center. Your thinking is confused. You think because he hasn’t hit you that you are not being abused. What do you think is going on with him pulling your pants down while you are cooking dinner or thrusting his hand in your pants while driving. Do you think he was doing those things because he thought you would appreciate them or were they an assault on you? If he did these things to anyone else, they would be very clear cut cases of sexual assault. There would be no confusion. Just because you are married to him does not make such behavior excusable. He is the one who is supposed to love, honor, and cherish you, but this man uses sex to humiliate and degrade you. Why do you think he was talking that why about you to his friends? Please see this for what it is. Believe me, I’ve been there done that.

As for him pulling the same stuff on a girlfriend in front of your son. This is unlikely to happen. He will be on his best behavior with a girlfriend. He won’t want her to see him for who he is. Women do not find such behavior appealing, and he won’t be winning anyone over with it. He knows this, and he does it to you to punish you, not because he thinks you like it.

Don’t worry about the what ifs that you have no control over. Your responsibility right now is for your own dignity as a human being. It is very, very important that your son not see this as an acceptable way to treat a wife. This is what you need to be worried about in the here and now.
 
You can have the custody agreement written where he cannot have sleep over girlfriends in the house.
 
Truly_Beloved said:
I would be terrified.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY for the Deaf)
National Domestic Violence Hotline

I wish I had known about the above organization when I had a very bad boyfriend at 16 years old (who sounds a lot like your husband, except he was a volunteer for the local police department). I was eventually sexually assaulted multiple times, threats were made on my life and the lives of my family, and I was stalked, among other things.

Please speak with an attorney who specializes in DV, and call the DV hotline today.
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Good idea…Take your son and leave him immediately…Don’t end up another statistic…He is dangerous…God bless you…
 
Leave for your self, but especially for your son. I divorced my husband of 20 years, then returned to him after 3 years to what I thought was a changed individual. He spoke all the right words and his actions were respectful, even manipulating me with “we were meant to be in God’s eyes”. His true character was revealed 9 months after I returned, the same behaviors, habits, and disrespect. He is a borderline personality and needs lots of counseling, but he admits no accountability or remorse, just says I’m crazy.

My children are adults now, I watched my daughter enter the same type of relationship, but she pulled herself out of it and is now healthier for it, and am I proud of her 🙂
My son does not like the way his father acts, yet I see the same patterns within him with his girlfriend. I blame myself for not leaving when they were little.

I have decided for myself that it is time for me to heal and move on. The only things that we can change, are what we can control. You cannot control your husbands behaviors,
nor can you blame yourself for them
My health has been impacted by this relationship, stress has a funny way of catching up with you as you get older. It sounds like you are still relatively young. Do what is best for you and your son.
God Bless and good luck.
 
I echo everyone else’s opinion – and my prayers are with you, Life. :hug1:
 
You all don’t know how helpful it is to hear your words of encouragement and know you are praying for me. Your thoughts strengthen me.

None of my friends can believe I would tolerate any of this. They say, “you of all people. You were always the one that wouldn’t put up with any ****.” I was always a straight forward fighter. Problem is, husband is not straight forward- he is about deception and lies. Ethical approaches don’t work with him, and that is all I know how to do. Even when I see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears, he will try to tell me I didn’t see what I saw or hear what I heard. Amazing.

Hind sight is 20/20. NOW I see the little warning signs. NOW I know that when I addressed issues with him while we were dating that he just pacified me and lied to me. I think it is no mistake that a lot of this behavior was paraded out after I got pregnant. He even talks a lot about me getting pregnant again. Ofcourse I said NO WAY.

I am still young, attractive, and trying to restore myself emotionally. Trying to get “unstuck”.

Young ladies out there- do not ignore your gut instinct no matter what.
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1ke
Your husband is a dangerous man.

I would consult an attorney regarding FULL custody with either terminated parental rights for him or supervised visitation. But before I left I would:

(a) download and print all his chats/porn/facebook and single’s hook-up site activity and send them registered mail to the attorney or someone else

(b) wire myself with audio (at a minimum) and video if I could-- and tape all his out-of-the-public eye behavior towards me and the child, most especially threatening and inappropriate care of your son, language directed at you, and trying to force himself sexually on you.

Truly, I would plan carefully and be prepared for my departure. Save up money that he cannot get his hands on-- deposit with your attorney, safe-deposit box, wired to your parents thorugh Western Union, something that gets your assets totally away from him as much as possible.
Lifeisamazing said:
My thoughts have wandered in this direction. I just can’t believe this situaton.
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This really is what you have to do, my mother went through a lot to protect me from my father and by the time she finally had the courage to stand up to him and leave, I was already in the 6th grade and evenually went on into my own abusive relationships. I have to say, you sound EXACTLY like me. By the grace of God I was able to leave my last relationship (who would never hit me, until the day he got mad enough to finally do it b/c I caught him cheating on me.) He WILL INFLUENCE YOU’R SON. You’re family will want your protection and your son’s protection, don’t worry about bothering them with him. You need to get your son away from him while he’s still very very young. Please, your son needs a STRONG MOTHER who will show him how a woman should be treated and will not fall under your husband’s wing into adulthood.
FOR YOU SON, you little boy, your baby. Focus on him! Mary our Blesses Mother did everything she could to take care of her son. She taught him and protected him. PRAY PRAY PRAY! From one mother to another! God Bless you and keep you and your son.
 
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