Would this upset you?

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Oh boy. I think my anger got the best of me today.😊

He had asked me what was wrong the other day, stating that he was really “trying and made an effort to do more family things” this past couple of weeks. Not really- maybe a bit nicer to my face but same old behind my back I am finding out.

So, like I said, I told him I saw the porn, the chats with other women where he is saying negative things about me, the dozens of photos of sexy ex classmates he is looking at over and over, and the chat he had with one of the girls he likes to look at a lot (lots of bar pics of this single girl with big fake breast implants prominently displayed. He has looked through her same pictures (50 at a time) several times on different occasions.

This chat was basically him saying she looks good. She asks him “Are you allowed to go out? Would like to meet up.” (and said your wife too several moments later). He made a comment like he doesn’t need my permission. He then said “She won’t be there. We’re going through a rough patch.” She offered her number. He says “if my wife finds your number I will be in trouble” she replies, “Ok don’t keep it then. Ken has my number” implying that he can reach her through his buddy instead- Lest I see it and he gets in trouble.

I let him know I saw this.

Here’s where I might have went too far. Or maybe not?

I also sent her a message stating I saw the exchange and felt it was disrespectful to try to meet up with my husband and offer a sneaky way to reach her so I won’t know. In the interest of not looking like a crazy jealous person, I explained I recently caught him on a dating website among other issues. And, that I have a right to be concerned that I have seen that he has looked at nearly 100 pictures of her on several occasions this past couple of weeks.

Ok, I know. I probably shouldn’t have but I am so angry and tired of this kind of stuff.

She replied saying that she was “sorry and that they are just friends and what is the big deal? I don’t feel bad.” She said I honestly don’t see what the problem is…he is allowed to socialize and have friends, isn’t he?":mad:

Well, I couldn’t resist and said:

*Ofcourse I have no problem with him having friends. Friends he has to hide from me- yes.

Remember, I just caught him on a dating website too. So, this is a problem.

And I do not disrespect him by filtering through dozens of photos of men, telling other men they “look good from all sides”, and other flirty comments, make plans to meet other single men out without his knowledge, constantly view porno, tell other men how “mean” my husband is etc. etc.

I would hope you would not want your future husband doing these things. While he could be working on rebuilding trust and mending his family.

He called this morning. Figured you would be able to get in touch with him quickly. Good luck to you too.*

So, yep. Within an hour the wonderful gossip grapevine he has formed around himself had contacted him. His response? He said sternly, “I am gonna tell you…what u pulled this morning was completely unneccesary. She is just a friend.” I said calmly that I found it unneccessary that I even find things like this going on at all and said goodbye.

Oh really? What up with constantly viewing other women’s photos? (This is excessive, people. There are hundreds of views of certain women he looks at over and over upstairs on our computer. Provocative stuff, bikinis, bar photos. They live in our town.) What’s up with bashing me behind my back? What is up with telling this girl that you can go out but I won’t be there? What’s up with her then giving you a back way to reach her?

I do feel bad about sending her a message, but I think I did it so that my side is out there for once. And to let him know that there will be consequences for this behavior.

He comes home from work tomorrow. I know he is pretty upset and feels I embarrassed him and tarnished his false image that is so important to all these outside people. That is more important to him than my feelings, that is for sure. I am sure I will be lectured in a “how dare you” or “you are crazy” type of tone.🤷

Just wish I didn’t care to get so upset 😊.
 
He’s coming home from work tomorrow? He’s gonna be MAD Use this time like others have said to make copies of the chats. Get them out of the house. Mail them to someone safe. Do it tonight before he has a chance to delete them. He knows you have seen them, he will delete them so you won’t have proof.

Can you make arrangements for your son to be somewhere else when he gets home? It could be ugly. Make sure you have a full tank of gas in the car. Get your important papers together. Put them in the car. Maybe pack a bag, have it in the car.

This may be it.

You are in my prayers. I pray you have strength, courage, and clarity of thought.

Arlene
 
Pack a bag, your son’s bag, the important papers like marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc., the whole computer (which contains more in the way of electronic signatures and trailways than what a printed copy will show) and GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. You are in a classicly abusive marriage and believe me when I say that you must act. Go to a friend’s or family member’s house, the nearest women’s shelter or your church, but you need to get out of there. Call the police as soon as you are in a safe place, or even before you leave the house, and file a report and start the proceedings for a Protection From Abuse, or restraining, order.

My ex-husband did many of these same things, both before and after the physical abuse started AND after I left him the first time and was stupid enough to fall for his lies that he would change. Your husband, like all the other abusive people, needs professional psychiatric help, far beyond what a marriage counselor can provide. Trust me when I tell you that he doesn’t have to throw you through a wall for it to be abuse!! He’s already committed verbal abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse for certain, and could potentially have committed child abuse. You don’t deserve to be abused! You’ve done more than your part in trying to fix the marriage, but there really comes a point when you have to throw in the towel! You are God’s child, a dwelling place for His Holy Spirit, and you deserve better than this. You deserve to love and to BE loved and cherished, not screamed at, called names, raped, cheated on and left in poverty.

Please, please, please listen to those of us who have been there! I’ll be praying for you.
 
EDIT: I meant to mention what you said about him being “Jeckyll and Hyde”. This is one of the most common behaviors for abusive men (and possibly women, to be fair, but I don’t know as I haven’t investigated this side of it much) and it can make it very, very hard for you to prove his actions to those who don’t understand this symptom or who aren’t close to the situation. It’s a common myth that abusive men are always violent rage-a-holics and that’s simply not the case.

Most of them do exhibit this Jeckyll and Hyde personality, in which they will be an upstanding citizen in public and a psychopath when the shades are drawn. It’s very, very easy to fall for the lies that he’s sorry, he loves you and he’ll never do it again during this portion of the abuse cycle, known as the “honeymoon phase”. But it’s only a matter of time before he blows up again, so in the mean time you find yourself tiptoeing around and trying not to set him off. What’s happening with him, though, is that he’s actively looking for anything, any reason to start another incident. It’s not your fault when he explodes!!

I’ll bet you $20 that, if he hasn’t openly started to yet, he’ll blame you and possibly the baby for his wandering eyes, saying for instance that you’ve let yourself go since your son was born, it’s your fault that you’re never “in the mood”, it’s the baby’s fault in some way, accuse you of cheating on him and getting yours with everyone from a boyfriend you haven’t seen in 10 years to the mailman to the bag boy at the grocery store and so on. For instance, mine accused me of cheating on him with a friend 25 years my senior who lived 1,500 miles away, was gay, caring for his sister’s four troubled children and had severe cardiac problems (he’s since passed away), an ex-boyfriend who came to our wedding and was engaged to and has since married a lovely girl, a very dear female friend who I’ve known since high school, and yes, the bag boy at the grocery store, among others.

This is another method of control, because it tricks you into thinking you must be utterly transparent and give into his demands that you account for every second of your day. It may also cause you to believe that if you dress in skimpy clothes and look like these other girls, that it’ll fix things, but that will only give him more ammunition to accuse you of cheating. Abusers enjoy what they get out of abusing. In short, in his eyes, you are not capable of doing anything right. Everything will lead to something he can use against you. GET OUT!!!
 
Trying to control his behaviors or talk to the women he is contacting, or even call him on his behaviors, is useless. He doesn’t think they are wrong, he doesn’t care how you feel, he is a liar.

You should leave, now. I agree, take the computer and some money in cash, go to a shelter or your parents place, talk to an abuse counselor and apply for a restraining order. he has abused you, emotionally and sexually assaulted you. If you met a guy like this that you were not married to, you wouldn’t take your child into that environment. And as your son gets older he will butt heads more with his father and he will be abused and munipulated as well.
 
Leave him…and leave him now. He has NO RESPECT for YOU or your CHILD, whatsoever. The way that he talks to you, and in front of your child…when your son is 10, how do you think it will make him feel to hear someone call you those names? How sad honey…and to be honest…he HAS cheated on you. If not yet physically (which eventually he will) then EMOTIONALLY for sure…the next level is when he starts hittin on you, and girl if hes already cussin’ and throwin’ and breaking things…I’m surprised he hasnt already…take your son…go…go now. I’m a total advocate for making marriages/relationships work…but NEVER FORGET yourself for anybody…you could come up with as many reasons as you want…but its not about YOU anymore…its about your SON…and what kind of MAN hes going to be…

You got my prayer tonight girl…
 
Lifeisamazing said:
I have spoken to my priest several times over the past several months. I have consulted an attorney. It seems when I am ready to pull the trigger, he changes up on me and I stay. But, then ofcourse I am finding his deception.

I want to leave and take my son to my parents house, but he is very loud about the fact that he will have our son 50/50 and if I take him he will come for him. Legally, he could show up there and try to take him. I do not want that stress for my son or my parents or myself. My son loves his dad very much also, but I am sick over some of the behavior my husband has exhibited with our son. He also does good things with him too, don’t get me wrong. I am especially worried about his attitude about women and sex and how he will direct our son, and about girlfriend’s around our son. (on recent long car rides that were supposed to be family days to the mountains, my husband kept putting his hands down my pants wanting to stimulate me to orgasm with our son in the back seat! I told him NO WAY! OUR SON IS IN THE BACK! He said he can’t see and doesn’t know. I checked the computer and saw he was viewing porno immediately before our car trip.)

This scares the daylights out of me. If he tries this with me and our son in the car, what is he willing to do with a girlfriend and our son in the car? I feel like throwing up.

Family/friends are saying I need to ask for custody. Problem is, things will get VERY nasty and I know my husband is already manipulating to get witnesses to see him being Mr. Wonderful Dad. Everyone thinks he is so wonderful. What happens in private is rarely seen by anyone but me. My parents have seen some things, and a couple of my friends. I am very scared of this whole thing.
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Please dont let this man win get you and your child away from him by any means possible. you sound like a very nice lassie YOU DONT DESERVE THIS! And when you think your bairn is not hearing arguments etc he probibly is dear. I would get away this man is abusing you mentaly and when he put the dog next to the child that was bad and to get at you he knew that it would terrify you. He has no love for the child if he could speed in the car and put a pit bull next to him my goodness who would do that. Every day i read about these people getting off with treating women how they want. You right now to this man are a doormat. When you go to leave and he gets all misty eyed what do you think hes doing??? hes playing you. You do not need to put up with this. 50 50 Access well im not sure about that but if you move to another area further away to you really think this man will travel a long distance in his 4by4 to collect you child??? Or will he be busy with something new to play with i ken what id bet on. I think that there are men in this world who are loving,caring beautifull in many ways that could be out there waiting for a beautiful person like you to come along so why sell yourself short? we have a short time on this earth dear and by the sounds of things you are wasting your time with this man.
get the courage right now and go to your family!!! If i could get home to my dad id be with him right now but i cant not anymore. Please look after you and your child. Godbless yous.
 
You really need to stop getting caught up in all of the drama. You need to decide if you want to stop playing this game and start looking out for your son. There was no need to say any of that to your husband or anyone else. Your priority should be getting out of this situation, not getting more tangled up in it.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
Need some objective POV’s on a situation with my husband.

Ok, some quick history.

…

God help me and my son.
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Leave the jerk. Better now before he gets you pregnant again.
He is a looser and your better off without him.
Maybe you can find a decent man.

Ciao.
 
It is going to come down to you deciding if you actually want to do something about this or if you just want to “deal with it” and complain to others about hubby.

You have gotten some great advice on this list but I don’t see too much motivation to follow any of it. I could be way off but you still seem to be hesitating.

I will say, you won’t do anything until you have finally had enough. Were you finally realize that you and more importantly your son deserves better.
 
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=249609&highlight=narcissistic+personality

Read it and weep. Your husband is a classic narcissist.

There is NO cure. NONE.

It will only get worse. LEAVE NOW.

And make sure you have the picture of the newborn and the pitbull, your documents and the computer!!! TAKE THE COMPUTER!

Don’t argue with the strange women online. Who cares what a stranger thinks of you. They’re cheap tramps he wants to get with. Let them have him!

SAVE YOUR SON.

And do NOT go back. I fell for all the lies myself. I tried to make it work. Damn near killed me on every level possible.

Talk to the police. Talk to a lawyer. DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!

I’m scared for you. Very scared. I read your info and felt sick to my stomach.

He sounds JUST LIKE MY XH. :mad: Even down to buying a motorcycle and hiding it in someone’s garage till he rolled it out after Christmas, after he had served me with papers.

And he got me states away from all my family and friends.

The birth of a child often reveals this nature. Once you begin to need him for something and he isn’t the center of the universe, it’s like a lightbulb went off.

GET OUT!!!

PLEASE!
 
50/50 and if I take him he will come for him
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If the devil told you he would get your son, would you let him or would you do what is necessary to help God your son? In the same vein, will you not leave your husband and entrust him to God’s Love and Mercy? You may even offer the abuse he’s caused to God for his salvation. But be sure to leave - if not for your sake, than for the sake of your dear child.
 
Praying for you and hoping that your silence on the boards today means you have gotten away safely.

:gopray2::signofcross:
 
He came home yesterday and ignored me all day. I just focused on caring for myself and my son, and obliged in ignoring as well because I was not up for any more.

I regret sending this girl a message. So not like me. I guess I am just furious at my husband’s complete lack of accountability and his pattern of making me look bad and getting everyone’s sympathy. Though I wish I didn’t send it, I can see that there was a bit of freedom in exposing the truth of his behavior for me; I know the things I exposed will be considered the next time he complains about me to all these people who were fooled by his good old boy persona. A little bit of justice. I know it shouldn’t matter, but you know what? It does.

He will be on vacation after today. I have put up with far more than I needed to. When I put some of this in writing and read it back, I see the confusion this emotional abuse has caused me. I see the desperation to try to have the nice family I dream of, but I have to wake up and admit that I will never get that from him. I either put up or shut up. I am not good at the shut up, and will not cheat myself or my son.

I was told by 3 different people he is a “Narcissist and masogenist”. I didn’t get it. I read the description at www.narcissismcured.com , and I was floored. It describes him so completely.

I am getting my ducks in a row, and have asked for my family to help me be strong b/c I have stayed past what I am capable of dealing with and it has taken its toll. I cannot stay and need to be informed about how to leave and minimize distress on my son.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is so needed.
 
Right now your son is young enough that he is more distressed that you are distressed or upset.

The narcissist only cares if he looks good to the world. Tearing you down and telling everyone YOU are crazy is the classic scheme.

You’ve been given lots of websites here and things to look at and think about. Be brave and save yourself! I’m sure your family is very happy. They probably hate his guts by now because they have seen him for what he is and have waited for you to realize it too.

You deserve better out of life than this emotional parasite who will use you up and spit the wreckage out and point to it and say “SEE! Look at her! This is why I didn’t want her anymore!”

Be warned: He’ll never want you so much as when you’re walking out the door. It’s all an act. It’s about HIS ego. YOU don’t leave HIM! HE leaves YOU! Resist all the sweet talk. By now he knows all the buttons to push to manipulate you and pull you back in. Don’t fall for it!

Good luck! Please keep us posted that you got away safely! 👍
 
By the way, not to derail the thread, but that narcissismcured website is one of the most irresponsible things I’ve seen all week.

If they REALLY have the solution and the magic words to fix it all, making someone who is desperate PAY to get the answer to fix their life is hucksterism at its best. Someone married to a narcissist may not even have access to money to buy the kit or register or whatever. And they tease with solutions to “fix it.”

If they really cared about the victims of narcissism, they’d put it up for free.

:mad:

And I disagree that anyone can find the magic words to “cure” a narcissist. All it becomes then is countermanipulation.

The patterns are so ingrained in the person since childhood, and their whole universe revolves around their own reflection (in the mirror, in other people’s eyes, store windows…) that they never see anyone else.

That website gives false hope. The same thing that keeps people in relationships with these walking blackholes of toxicity to begin with.

The worst kind of hope is false hope. That website makes you pay for it. :mad:
 
Liberanosamalo said:
By the way, not to derail the thread, but that narcissismcured website is one of the most irresponsible things I’ve seen all week.

If they REALLY have the solution and the magic words to fix it all, making someone who is desperate PAY to get the answer to fix their life is hucksterism at its best. Someone married to a narcissist may not even have access to money to buy the kit or register or whatever. And they tease with solutions to “fix it.”

If they really cared about the victims of narcissism, they’d put it up for free.

:mad:

And I disagree that anyone can find the magic words to “cure” a narcissist. All it becomes then is countermanipulation.

The patterns are so ingrained in the person since childhood, and their whole universe revolves around their own reflection (in the mirror, in other people’s eyes, store windows…) that they never see anyone else.

That website gives false hope. The same thing that keeps people in relationships with these walking blackholes of toxicity to begin with.

The worst kind of hope is false hope. That website makes you pay for it. :mad:
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I haven’t purchased anything, but the description they have is so dead on for me. They put it in a way that I have yet to see it described- in real world terms. They give a lot of free information. I would say my husband would be on the lower end of the scale, and maybe yours was much much worse based on the former posts I have seen of yours. 😦

I wish this kind of suffering was not occuring for some of us. I just really hope to focus on healing and protecting myself and my son and being honest with myself about my shortcomings and grow.
 
Yeah, we all have shortcomings. But with a NORMAL spouse, you are loved anyway. That link you had made it sound ONCE AGAIN like somehow if WE said or did the right thing WE could fix THEM. Why don’t THEY ever walk around on eggshells and worry they are hurting anyone THEY care about? :mad: That website made it sound once again like their behavior was our responsibility, which is the same poison cup an NPD wants you to drink out of all the time.

Better site, and it’s free: escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf
 
I’m going to agree with Liberanosamalo, that website that you thought was speaking to you and your situation actually looks kind of dangerous to me. It looks like it is written to exploit all of the doubts that a victim of abuse has…and all to make a buck, meanwhile leaving you in a state of paralysis enabling the npd to go on harming you and your child.

I liken the situation that you are in, and the one that I was in, to living with someone akin to a serial killer, someone who chooses one victim to dehumanize and slowly kill. This kind of a relationship kills you from the inside out, starting with the verbal and emotional attacks, which numb you, confuse you, and prepare you to accept much worse. To tell you that it is better to work it out and appease the npd so that you can stay in the relationship and so that you don’t have to face the danger of leaving is really, really bad advice. Would you tell a hostage that is being progressively tortured and harmed to stay put rather than try to free herself? Shame and fear can be paralyzing, and believe me, your husband knows how to play those cards to make you immobile. He knows how to smooth things over to keep you right where you are…only things never will get better.

What you have written in this thread alone is shocking and quite frankly disgusting. The way that your husband treats you is UNACCEPTABLE. Yes, there are two sides to every story, but there is NOTHING that your husband could come up with to explain his treatment of you. For you to think that you are responsible and can control his sociopathic behavior is not a healthy view point. It is the kind of dysfunctional thinking that keeps this game in play. Think about it. Marriage is a vocation. How sanctifying is it to condone and accept this from your husband. Stop walking on eggshells and hold him accountable. He needs to experience real consequences for his behavior. You need to be tough and above all else, you need to look out for yourself and your son.

If you can’t see it now, please make sure that you keep a journal of what he says and does. Sometimes seeing it in black and white is what it takes to help you understand that it isn’t you, that you aren’t crazy for thinking that there is a problem.
 
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