Would you ask again? I'm so torn

[skigirl1689]

My sister is going shopping for her wedding dress soon, like in a few days. I did ask if I could come along with our mom and her future MIL, but I told her it was completely up to her and she was free to tell me no. Well, she never gave me an answer. My mom offered to casually ask her about it but I told her not to as it might make things worse…my sister seems very defensive when wedding plans are discussed.

If it were you, would you bring the subject up again or just let it go? I mean, I think in any situation it is a bit rude not to give a person an answer when you ask him or her to consider something. I gave her an out so it’s not like I begged or pressured her, not like I could with her even if I wanted to.

But I would love to go, but like I told my mom, she is an adult and if she can’t tell me no, that’s her issue. Not going to lie, it hurts in a way, so I am so torn as to if I should say something or just keep silent.

 

[alwayscomehome]

I think you’ll have to bring us up to speed, or at least me. Why wouldn’t she want you to go and why would asking if she would be ok with you going “make things worse”? Have there been problems surrounding her wedding?

Unless there’s more here that I don’t know I think you should casually ask again. You’re her sister, it’s normal for you to look at dresses with her.

 

[nhamm10]

If when you asked her she didn’t exclaim “Yes of course or I would love that” she probably doesn’t want you there. (sorry) You did say she seems very defensive of her marriage plans so it seems like maybe you (and not really realizing it) or someone else said something that offended her or questioned her planning of her marrage that stepped on her toes? Think about it maybe there is something that you might have said? Do you seem to get more attention in the family than her? Maybe she is feeling like she wants this all on her own and doesn’t want you involved to (take away) from her, her decisions or her big day. Are you more stylish than her and maybe a relative said oh you should bring your sister to help you out as if she couldn’t possibly make a good decision of buying her perfect dress on her own. It could be a number of things but the fact she never answered you is kind of your answer. If though you do end up going, at this point considering she didn’t answer you right away. Keep quiet about anything negative. Your mantra should be how to you like it, how does it feel on you

 

[skigirl1689]

My sister is very independent and for some reason snaps at people in the family when we inquire about the wedding plans. I honestly think she thinks we’re too nosy if we ask too many questions…this is nothing new. I don’t think she even wants my mom to go with her, she seems to like her future MIL a lot better. It’s not like my mom and her have a bad relationship, but she has never seemed to even like my mom (maybe a personality clash?).

She and I were never super close but we’ve had a pretty good relationship, though she is usually critical of my opinions, but she’s like that with our younger sis and our mom too.

I hope this helps explain it further, but I don’t understand the dynamics either as I keep racking my brain to find a reason behind the weirdness of it all.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Personally I am so shy about my body and trying on clothes in front of people that the only person I take with me when I look for a wedding dress is my fiance. I don’t understand how women want to have their moms, future MILs, bridesmaids, friends, sisters, etc. while they try on one ugly and ill-fitting dress after another until they come across the “perfect” one, or at least the one that will be perfect after its altered significantly to fit just right. Just the thought of that makes me uncomfortable.

She may just be a private person who wants to include her mom and MIL to foster good family relationships and if they are paying for it to take their opinions in to consideration.

 

[skigirl1689]

If when you asked her she didn’t exclaim “Yes of course or I would love that” she probably doesn’t want you there. (sorry) You did say she seems very defensive of her marriage plans so it seems like maybe you (and not really realizing it) or someone else said something that offended her or questioned her planning of her marrage that stepped on her toes? Think about it maybe there is something that you might have said? Do you seem to get more attention in the family than her? Maybe she is feeling like she wants this all on her own and doesn’t want you involved to (take away) from her, her decisions or her big day. Are you more stylish than her and maybe a relative said oh you should bring your sister to help you out as if she couldn’t possibly make a good decision of buying her perfect dress on her own. It could be a number of things but the fact she never answered you is kind of your answer. If though you do end up going, at this point considering she didn’t answer you right away. Keep quiet about anything negative. Your mantra should be how to you like it, how does it feel on you

I have a physical, life-long disability so I did get a lot of attention when we were younger just because I needed the physical assistance from my parents. I did pose the question right when she was leaving after her visit last time so there was not time for us to really discuss it. My mom questions a lot, so does her future MIL, I keep quiet as I know it is none of my business.

I am not at all more stylish than her, the disability kind of squashes that as I am very clumsy and even my facial muscles are affected. And no, she’s never hid the fact she has me for a sister. No one would have suggested her needing my help, I’m single, and this is the first wedding in the immediate family.

 

[skigirl1689]

Personally I am so shy about my body and trying on clothes in front of people that the only person I take with me when I look for a wedding dress is my fiance. I don’t understand how women want to have their moms, future MILs, bridesmaids, friends, sisters, etc. while they try on one ugly and ill-fitting dress after another until they come across the “perfect” one, or at least the one that will be perfect after its altered significantly to fit just right. Just the thought of that makes me uncomfortable.

She may just be a private person who wants to include her mom and MIL to foster good family relationships and if they are paying for it to take their opinions in to consideration.

Good suggestion, but both of my sister’s are still fine with running around the house (not all the time ) to the point where I say “put some clothes on.” We had a dress in the house a couple months ago and she tried it on in front of us.

 

[Myqyl]

Just guessing here…

She’s under a lot of stress right now so it’s understandable if things slip through the cracks. If you see her alone, you might want to casually ask if she thought about it, or maybe just plan to be busy and tell her your sorry you won’t be able to make it. If she puts up a fuss that she wanted you there, you can tell her she’s more important and you’ll change your plans and come. Otherwise you’ve given her an easy out and relieved some stress from a hectic time.

Disclaimer : My advice is very often wrong. Take my advice at your own risk!

God bless

 

[skigirl1689]

Just guessing here…

She’s under a lot of stress right now so it’s understandable if things slip through the cracks. If you see her alone, you might want to casually ask if she thought about it, or maybe just plan to be busy and tell her your sorry you won’t be able to make it. If she puts up a fuss that she wanted you there, you can tell her she’s more important and you’ll change your plans and come. Otherwise you’ve given her an easy out and relieved some stress from a hectic time.

Disclaimer : My advice is very often wrong. Take my advice at your own risk!

God bless

I decided to just text her “You guys still going dress shopping? Just curious ” She knows I have no plans, I live at home and can’t get out independently so it just would not be an option to fib.

I guess we’ll see or I’ll be spending the day alone, my dad and other sis will be busy with their hobby that I can’t do even if I wanted to.

 

[Delaine75]

Personally I am so shy about my body and trying on clothes in front of people that the only person I take with me when I look for a wedding dress is my fiance. I don’t understand how women want to have their moms, future MILs, bridesmaids, friends, sisters, etc. while they try on one ugly and ill-fitting dress after another until they come across the “perfect” one, or at least the one that will be perfect after its altered significantly to fit just right. Just the thought of that makes me uncomfortable.

She may just be a private person who wants to include her mom and MIL to foster good family relationships and if they are paying for it to take their opinions in to consideration.

I would definitely prefer my mother / sister / best friend to see me trying on ill-fitting wedding dresses than my fiance, LOL! He won’t be seeing me in my wedding gown until the wedding!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would definitely prefer my mother / sister / best friend to see me trying on ill-fitting wedding dresses than my fiance, LOL! He won’t be seeing me in my wedding gown until the wedding!

We’re having a really not traditional wedding anyway, and he has very specific tastes when it comes to wedding dresses (actually all female clothing in general). He only likes a few things that fall in the category of not to plain, but not too extravagant, flattering fit but not too tight, a little bit edgy but not risque, unique but not weird, its a nightmare. I would be so stressed that I would end up walking down the isle in something that he would hate it would ruin the fun for me. But we have had a good time going to dress shops and speaking with seamstresses about getting a dress custom made. He makes me feel beautiful and on our wedding day his opinion is the only one that matters, not my mom’s or best friend’s.

Of course he won’t see me in the full wedding getup until the day. But there’s a difference between seeing me in the dress and seeing me in the dress with my hair, nails, and makeup done with my shoes and the perfect accessories to match.

 

[Lucky7]

My sister is very independent and for some reason snaps at people in the family when we inquire about the wedding plans. ** I honestly think she thinks we’re too nosy if we ask too many questions**…this is nothing new. I don’t think she even wants my mom to go with her, she seems to like her future MIL a lot better. It’s not like my mom and her have a bad relationship, but she has never seemed to even like my mom (maybe a personality clash?).

She and I were never super close but we’ve had a pretty good relationship, though she is usually critical of my opinions, but she’s like that with our younger sis and our mom too.

I hope this helps explain it further, but I don’t understand the dynamics either as I keep racking my brain to find a reason behind the weirdness of it all.

You have stated that she thinks you’re all too nosy if you ask too many questions and she doesn’t even want her own mother there. Why would you think she would want you there?

It seems pretty clear to me that she would let you know if she wanted you there. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if she really didn’t want her MIL there either, but is afraid to make waves with her soon-to-be family.

If I were you, I’d let it go.

And I loved shopping BY MYSELF.

 

[skigirl1689]

So I’m not welcome but her friend is who she barely communicates with is, go figure. And I’m not in the wedding though she didn’t have the guts to tell me My mom was like “I told you so” and I lost it with her…not my finest moment for sure. But my mom did admit my sister can be downright cruel a lot of the time to both of us.

She tells me my education is a joke and so “easy.” Well, sorry not everyone is an engineer. She criticizes most of my opinions. And then I feel like I wasn’t good enough to her while growing up and at the same time mad at myself for letting any of her issues and treatment of me and the family get to me.

I’m going to ask my younger sis if she’d be willing to stay home and maybe we could do some Christmas shopping for my parents around town or something.

 

[jmcrae]

But I would love to go, but like I told my mom, she is an adult and if she can’t tell me no, that’s her issue. Not going to lie, it hurts in a way, so I am so torn as to if I should say something or just keep silent.

I would just let it go, and find a good book to read while they’re out. If you still want to be in on it in some way, maybe make tea and cookies for them to come home to, or something like that, to celebrate.

 

[skigirl1689]

I would just let it go, and find a good book to read while they’re out. If you still want to be in on it in some way, maybe make tea and cookies for them to come home to, or something like that, to celebrate.

Wish I could do that but I can’t…literally it is physically impossible for me to do so.

 

[hannajomar]

Skigirl, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. Yes, it is deeper than dress shopping or a wedding. With some people, we can try so hard to please them, but nothing is good enough. We can walk on eggshells and still they manage to be upset at us. For me, it’s most difficult when I’m powerless to do any more, and the person still rejects me. I wish I had some good advice. :console:

 

[St_Francis]

Skigirl,
My sister is a lot like your sister, so I wouldn’t take it at all personally. My sister is just like that to pretty much everyone. Very private and easily stressed out, which makes her seem very defensive. It seems like she might not be noticing that you’d like to participate–she’s probably just really distracted.

I hope things go better in the future with all this. Maybe you could offer to research the catering and wedding cake aspect–then the two of you would get to try a lot of extremely good samples

 

[Lucky7]

So I’m not welcome but her friend is who she barely communicates with is, go figure. And I’m not in the wedding though she didn’t have the guts to tell me My mom was like “I told you so” and I lost it with her…not my finest moment for sure. But my mom did admit my sister can be downright cruel a lot of the time to both of us.

She tells me my education is a joke and so “easy.” Well, sorry not everyone is an engineer. She criticizes most of my opinions. And then I feel like I wasn’t good enough to her while growing up and at the same time mad at myself for letting any of her issues and treatment of me and the family get to me.

I’m going to ask my younger sis if she’d be willing to stay home and maybe we could do some Christmas shopping for my parents around town or something.

Granted, I know we’re only getting your side of the story here, but assuming this is an accurate picture of what has happened between you/what is happening between you then I highly suggest distancing yourself from her.

 

[Regina_Love]

So I’m not welcome but her friend is who she barely communicates with is, go figure. And I’m not in the wedding though she didn’t have the guts to tell me My mom was like “I told you so” and I lost it with her…not my finest moment for sure. But my mom did admit my sister can be downright cruel a lot of the time to both of us.

She tells me my education is a joke and so “easy.” Well, sorry not everyone is an engineer. She criticizes most of my opinions. And then I feel like I wasn’t good enough to her while growing up and at the same time mad at myself for letting any of her issues and treatment of me and the family get to me.

I’m going to ask my younger sis if she’d be willing to stay home and maybe we could do some Christmas shopping for my parents around town or something.

Sounds like a good plan. It’s not fun being around stressed out selfish people anyway!

 

[EasterJoy]

You are not describing a nice person who is unintentionally making a social blunder. You’re talking about someone who thinks that having a grudge against someone or having a chronologically close sibling relationship with them is carte blanche to be rude to them at will on an on-going basis. So ask yourself: When has your sister had the center of attention and shared the glow of her day in a way that included you in her joy? My guess: Never. Well, you now know that her wedding will not be the occasion that changes that track record. Maybe something will some day–I am actually on very good terms with the brother who used to make it his life’s work to torment me–but this seminal shopping expedition is not going to be the event that prompts her to grow up and be decent.

Oh, well. This is not going to be an episode your sister can look back upon with any warm glow of self-congratulation, but that is her problem. I say this as an old lady who’s been around a bride or two: If you’re dealing with a bride who is not gracious to anyone remotely connected to her wedding plans, you will do well to take the excuse you’ve been given and get as far from her plans as you can. That this is your sister does not change the rule. If this is not a “no good deed goes unpunished” scenario in the making, I do not know what is. Take the advice you’ve been getting and count your blessings that you have a way to keep your distance.

Whether her blunder is willful or not, though, this is not a big deal. Any cat can look at a king and anyone can browse through the gowns at a bridal shop. You do not have to put any of them on in order to amuse yourself at the “variety”, let’s just say that. You will want to learn to use the phrase “pretty in its own way”, because you have to have some code for “unbelievably awful.” If you want to browse through gowns at a bridal shop, take your little sister and look through some. (Don’t try any on unless one of you is actually shopping, though…it is not nice to the shop owners to put wear on their dresses unless you plan to buy one in the near future.)

Now, you might say, “Ah, but that is not the same as being with an actual bride.” That is true, if you were talking about a bride who is a joy to be around. If you are around a bride who is a pain to be around, then that same bride is capable of ruining the whole thing for you. She can make the whole experience memorable chiefly in how miserable it was to witness. Accept that those are your choices, then: Going and being made miserable by this misery-sowing bride, or going under different circumstances and actually having a memory that you can enjoy. Going with your engineer sister and enjoying that experience is not a realistic expectation. Grieve that, it you must, that is OK, but realize the dream that made you even want to go along on this expedition was never going to come true. Accept that you are being left out of this expedition, and feel no scruples about realizing that “spared” would be an more accurate term.

Sometimes, my dear, sour is what the grapes actually were! There is no sin in using that to help you accept those things you cannot change, no sin at all.