Would you ask again? I'm so torn

[skigirl1689]

You are not describing a nice person who is unintentionally making a social blunder. You’re talking about someone who thinks that having a grudge against someone or having a chronologically close sibling relationship with them is carte blanche to be rude to them at will on an on-going basis. So ask yourself: When has your sister had the center of attention and shared the glow of her day in a way that included you in her joy? My guess: Never. Well, you now know that her wedding will not be the occasion that changes that track record. Maybe something will some day–I am actually on very good terms with the brother who used to make it his life’s work to torment me–but this seminal shopping expedition is not going to be the event that prompts her to grow up and be decent.

Oh, well. This is not going to be an episode your sister can look back upon with any warm glow of self-congratulation, but that is her problem. I say this as an old lady who’s been around a bride or two: If you’re dealing with a bride who is not gracious to anyone remotely connected to her wedding plans, you will do well to take the excuse you’ve been given and get as far from her plans as you can. That this is your sister does not change the rule. If this is not a “no good deed goes unpunished” scenario in the making, I do not know what is. Take the advice you’ve been getting and count your blessings that you have a way to keep your distance.

Whether her blunder is willful or not, though, this is not a big deal. Any cat can look at a king and anyone can browse through the gowns at a bridal shop. You do not have to put any of them on in order to amuse yourself at the “variety”, let’s just say that. You will want to learn to use the phrase “pretty in its own way”, because you have to have some code for “unbelievably awful.” If you want to browse through gowns at a bridal shop, take your little sister and look through some. (Don’t try any on unless one of you is actually shopping, though…it is not nice to the shop owners to put wear on their dresses unless you plan to buy one in the near future.)

Now, you might say, “Ah, but that is not the same as being with an actual bride.” That is true, if you were talking about a bride who is a joy to be around. If you are around a bride who is a pain to be around, then that same bride is capable of ruining the whole thing for you. She can make the whole experience memorable chiefly in how miserable it was to witness. Accept that those are your choices, then: Going and being made miserable by this misery-sowing bride, or going under different circumstances and actually having a memory that you can enjoy. Going with your engineer sister and enjoying that experience is not a realistic expectation. Grieve that, it you must, that is OK, but realize the dream that made you even want to go along on this expedition was never going to come true. Accept that you are being left out of this expedition, and feel no scruples about realizing that “spared” would be an more accurate term.

Sometimes, my dear, sour is what the grapes actually were! There is no sin in using that to help you accept those things you cannot change, no sin at all.

You are wise as always. There are no bridal shops in the area…they’re going to a big city and it’s a huge deal to go to the city. I hardly get to go myself, but oh well. I did tell her I’d like to have her help me choose my dress…but in the end that will be my decision as I’ll be the one paying for it and she can’t demand what I wear if I am not in the wedding.

But she didn’t have the decency to tell me herself, she did it in a sneaky way asking me to look for my own dress and THEN told my mom in a text, saying she “forgot” to tell her. I’m trying to just let it go and just survive the next 9 months. Really wish I didn’t have to be around it, submersed in it all the time but I can’t move out.

Weddings just seem to bring out the worst…her fiance wasn’t speaking to his grandma because she was upset they’re not getting married in the Church (I’m not Catholic, but I, and no one else is a fan of the preacher they chose). Found out last week she is dying so hopefully they reconcile soon.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are wise as always. There are no bridal shops in the area…they’re going to a big city and it’s a huge deal to go to the city. I hardly get to go myself, but oh well. I did tell her I’d like to have her help me choose my dress…but in the end that will be my decision as I’ll be the one paying for it and she can’t demand what I wear if I am not in the wedding.

But she didn’t have the decency to tell me herself, she did it in a sneaky way asking me to look for my own dress and THEN told my mom in a text, saying she “forgot” to tell her. I’m trying to just let it go and just survive the next 9 months. Really wish I didn’t have to be around it, submersed in it all the time but I can’t move out.

Weddings just seem to bring out the worst…her fiance wasn’t speaking to his grandma because she was upset they’re not getting married in the Church (I’m not Catholic, but I, and no one else is a fan of the preacher they chose). Found out last week she is dying so hopefully they reconcile soon.

As long as you realize that it isn’t you. That’s not to say that you’re perfect, but that your immaturity wouldn’t justify hers. These things happen in families with no physical disabilities, too. As the old saying goes, “the definition of a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.” The sooner you accept that your sister is proving slow to mature in spite of her academic prowess–we all grow unevenly, after all–the better for everyone’s long-range welfare.

Just pray that they’ll grow up. People do. It is OK to give them a wide berth before they see the light, though. Don’t feel guilty about that.

 

[EasterJoy]

…There are no bridal shops in the area…they’re going to a big city and it’s a huge deal to go to the city. I hardly get to go myself, but oh well. I did tell her I’d like to have her help me choose my dress…but in the end that will be my decision as I’ll be the one paying for it and she can’t demand what I wear if I am not in the wedding…

davidsbridal.com/Browse_Bridal-Gowns

Amuse yourself by trying to find one with sleeves!
(Honestly, I thought that a whole year after William and Kate’s wedding, there would be more than this!)

DO NOT let on to your sister that you have been on the David’s site. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing!

PS Tell her what you have to spend on your dress and accessories, but then tell her that you’re willing to put that much towards whatever she chooses for you, because she’ll be the one with the wedding pictures to look at for the rest of time. Then do it, no matter how awful or how impossible it is that you’ll ever wear what she chooses again. Someone needs to be a grown up here. It may as well be you!

 

[skigirl1689]

davidsbridal.com/Browse_Bridal-Gowns

Amuse yourself by trying to find one with sleeves!
(Honestly, I thought that a whole year after William and Kate’s wedding, there would be more than this!)

DO NOT let on to your sister that you have been on the David’s site. Nothing good will come of it. Nothing!

PS Tell her what you have to spend on your dress and accessories, but then tell her that you’re willing to put that much towards whatever she chooses for you, because she’ll be the one with the wedding pictures to look at for the rest of time. Then do it, no matter how awful or how impossible it is that you’ll ever wear what she chooses again. Someone needs to be a grown up here. It may as well be you!

Of course I’ll make sure it coordinates with the family, which is why she’s getting all of the ideas I have found, but seeing I am not in the wedding party, I don’t think she has the right to dictate what a mere guest wears or buys, IHMO. Not being immature about it but I just think I have a right to be comfortable with what I spend my limited funds on, and they are very limited.

 

[hannajomar]

I agree. If you are not in the wedding party, you choose your own dress.

 

[cmscms]

I did tell her I’d like to have her help me choose my dress…but in the end that will be my decision as I’ll be the one paying for it and she can’t demand what I wear if I am not in the wedding.

But she didn’t have the decency to tell me herself, she did it in a sneaky way asking me to look for my own dress and THEN told my mom in a text, saying she “forgot” to tell her.

OK, first I would like to ask ‘Why did she even have to tell you that you are to pay for your dress?’ It is a given and if she told you ‘in a sneaky way’ I am assuming she has been conditioned to think communication with you is impossible. I am not saying it is your fault, but obviously the dynamics of your relationship shows communication is not assertive.

I see 2 issues her

1-) Going dress shopping

2-) Communication.

I will start with communication. Yes it is rude not to answer a question that involves planning an event. You need to know what is up to schedule you activities. I would suggest next time she does not give you an answer saying something like ‘I understand if you don’t want me to come, I just don’t understand you not answering me’. I would try to approach your communication issue in a context totally unrelated to the wedding. And if you are up against a brick wall then accept your sister is rude. However, you do need to listen to her point of view and admit it when you are wrong.

Now for the wedding dress. I can help but think she never answered you because she knew the only thing that would come out of her mouth would be profanity. YOU KNOW she does not like people asking about her wedding plans and went ahead and did it anyway !!! How frustrating to her. She is probably thinking ‘how many times do I have to repeat to people I don’t want them asking’

I can totally understand your sisters point of view. I consider a lot of socially accepted conversation topics to be prying into my personal business. When people ask, I try to be as polite as possible when I say ‘I prefer not to discuss these matters’ yet, instead of changing the topic people ask why, justify their question or just look at me like I am weird. It is frustrating that people can not follow the simplest of instructions ie ‘don’t ask about it’.

So when you asked if you could go, she probably felt betrayed and disrespected. Not a fun place to be.

I don’t mean to come down hard on you but you appear to be very aware of your sister’s faults and oblivious to how your question was inappropriate

CM

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I didn’t read each reply thoroughly, but enough to get a good idea of your situation and feelings. I have to say, to me it is pretty clear that you are the kinder sister between the two of you. In my opinion, and it is not just based on this situation but on your entire description of her, she is selfish. You have some limitations that naturally exclude you from activites and to completely ignore that you desire to be included is totally unacceptable to me!

At first, I thought perhaps the situation was similar to a niece of mine who is a private person and really doesn’t want much of a fuss made over her (yet to be planned) wedding. But this is way different, because my niece is civil to her sister and others.

Hopefully, your other sister is more of an easier person to get along with and will be kind when you ask if she can consider going Christmas shopping with you instead. I think that would be a great diversion for you and good to get out and enjoy sisterhood. I hope this sister doesn’t feel torn and have to say no to you. If that happens, keep your chin up and know that things will turn around eventually. It sounds to me like you are a strong person who is going through a rough patch and maybe feeling left out and ignored. When you are strong, you have a good sense of self and know that eventually you will come through and feel better.

I probably shouldn’t feel this way, but I am kind of mad at your sister for treating you the way you have described. I mean, I don’t know her and should not judge. I have not been in her shoes.

If it helps to know this, I have a sister who has done a lot for me, yet sometimes when I ask for help (because I actually don’t own a car in the car centered world of Southern California and sometimes need a way to get somewhere, for example) she gives me an entire list of why she can’t help, who else she is helping, when and where, and on and on. So I end up feeling like I just got dumped on and why did I even ask, like all that happened was I felt like I didn’t matter compared to everyone and everything else. This doesn’t happen all the time, but I certainly know how it feels to put yourself out there (and maybe even go back and ask a second time and do it just to double check) and end up feel like the lowest man on the totem pole.

Hang in there.

 

[Lucky7]

Of course I’ll make sure it coordinates with the family, which is why she’s getting all of the ideas I have found, but seeing I am not in the wedding party, I don’t think she has the right to dictate what a mere guest wears or buys, IHMO. Not being immature about it but I just think I have a right to be comfortable with what I spend my limited funds on, and they are very limited.

Maybe I’m missing something or I am just confused at this point, but I totally agree that if you are not in the wedding party you pick your dress and how much you spend on it.

 

[Flame4]

I know you said you gave your sister an easy way out, but you might want to reevaluate how “easy” it actually is. Obviously you would like to go and in her mind, despite what you said , it may still seem awkward to say no.
This may have not been the case if you both had a very good relationship, where you both feel comfortable being honest, but clearly that isn’t the case. Her not answering is her hint “no” and if I were you, I would take the hint.
I know you are hurt but I think the best thing you can do is let it go, for her sake and yours.

God Bless and take care.

 

[skigirl1689]

I know you said you gave your sister an easy way out, but you might want to reevaluate how “easy” it actually is. Obviously you would like to go and in her mind, despite what you said , it may still seem awkward to say no.
This may have not been the case if you both had a very good relationship, where you both feel comfortable being honest, but clearly that isn’t the case. Her not answering is her hint “no” and if I were you, I would take the hint.
I know you are hurt but I think the best thing you can do is let it go, for her sake and yours.

God Bless and take care.

But she can be so honest always reminding me my degree was a waste of time even though I successfully got an internship when the job market stinks for my major…I’m just not buying it. When she criticizes all of my choices and is quite vocal about them, she could have the decency of telling me, instead of sneaking around my back. She even told my parents they did not have to come to her college graduation (they put both of us through school)…I was dumbfounded by that one.

I am done, not saying a word about the wedding as all I get is snapped at or yelled at by her and my mom. I’m pleasantly silent and supportive by not getting into it.

 

[Flame4]

But she can be so honest always reminding me my degree was a waste of time even though I successfully got an internship when the job market stinks for my major…I’m just not buying it. When she criticizes all of my choices and is quite vocal about them, she could have the decency of telling me, instead of sneaking around my back. She even told my parents they did not have to come to her college graduation (they put both of us through school)…I was dumbfounded by that one.

I am done, not saying a word about the wedding as all I get is snapped at or yelled at by her and my mom. I’m pleasantly silent and supportive by not getting into it.

I’m really sorry to hear that skygirl. But do you really want to be around such a person? Obviously you care, but if she is hurting you so much, it is probably best to stay out of the way. For your own sake!
Try to offer this hurt up to God. It will bring you some comfort.
Yes maybe you can spend some time with your other sister.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

People who drop hints, don’t return messages, etc. because they don’t know what to say or somehow are trying to have to avoid telling you their true feelings really chap my hide! That’s just as rude as coming out and saying, “No, I don’t want you to come along.” If she would stop for a minute to think about someone’s feelings in addition to her own, she could manage to come up with something such as, “I’m sorry, I want to only have the mothers with me. That’s actually stressful enough, actually, but I think it is important to mom and my future mother in law.”

Given the past history, between you two yes, it’s still going to hurt to be told straight out (less if she could manage to be eloquent and caring in her delivery). But at least you would not have been left wondering if she will see your feelings and say yes. At least you would not have been left hanging and wasting your time wondering if you should give it another try and what her reaction to your asking again would be.

I’m not sure how to quote a past post, so I’ll just copy and paste the following:

Now for the wedding dress. I can help but think she never answered you because she knew the only thing that would come out of her mouth would be profanity. YOU KNOW she does not like people asking about her wedding plans and went ahead and did it anyway !!! How frustrating to her. She is probably thinking ‘how many times do I have to repeat to people I don’t want them asking’<<<<

Why in the world would anyone react so violently to a simple request by a sister to go along on a shopping trip? What I have gleaned from all of the OP’s posts is that it is a big deal to go into the city and go shopping, she is kind of stuck at home a lot, and she would not force her opinions on others. If her sister is frustrated with wanting to have the planning to herself and feeling pressure to include others, she could come out and say “how many times do I have to say I want to do this myself and not have an entourage!” But, no that is not what she said. She didn’t say anything. It’s obvious she wanted to ignore her request to go along for her on reasons, which we can say is either because whe didn’t want people involved in her wedding plans (besides the absolute necessaries - mothers), but the fact remains it is not the OPs fault that her sister has a problem with either wanting it to not have others involved or with communicating that.

Honestly, sometimes I think that people who don’t respond or drop hints actually want you to care about them much more than if they just were to flat out tell you no. Which, in this case, could be to keep the “balance of power”. In any case, this is, as mentioned, an immature way of communicating with you. Yeah, don’t worry about it and what it all means anymore. Don’t even consider if it was a “hint” or if she was rude. As they say, be the better person. You’ve put enough thought into this episode. Enjoy your days and try not to think about this any more. Life’s too short.

 

[skigirl1689]

People who drop hints, don’t return messages, etc. because they don’t know what to say or somehow are trying to have to avoid telling you their true feelings really chap my hide! That’s just as rude as coming out and saying, “No, I don’t want you to come along.” If she would stop for a minute to think about someone’s feelings in addition to her own, she could manage to come up with something such as, “I’m sorry, I want to only have the mothers with me. That’s actually stressful enough, actually, but I think it is important to mom and my future mother in law.”

Given the past history, between you two yes, it’s still going to hurt to be told straight out (less if she could manage to be eloquent and caring in her delivery). But at least you would not have been left wondering if she will see your feelings and say yes. At least you would not have been left hanging and wasting your time wondering if you should give it another try and what her reaction to your asking again would be.

I’m not sure how to quote a past post, so I’ll just copy and paste the following:

Now for the wedding dress. I can help but think she never answered you because she knew the only thing that would come out of her mouth would be profanity. YOU KNOW she does not like people asking about her wedding plans and went ahead and did it anyway !!! How frustrating to her. She is probably thinking ‘how many times do I have to repeat to people I don’t want them asking’<<<<

It’s unfortunately not getting better and is more tangled than ever. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone in my house about how I am feeling anymore as it is used against me as my little sister is hinting to my sister how I felt (ie. upset, hurt,etc,). All of my friends moved out of the area so it’s not like I can get out with them and be surrounded by supportive people that won’t judge how I feel. I live in a very small town with a majority elderly population.

My mom did not understand why I was so disappointed with my one sister shared my feelings when it was not her place and then suggested I not buy a new dress but wear an old one I’ve worn to other weddings. I mean, everyone else is getting something special for the wedding, so why does she expect me not to? So confused.

I do think my dad gets it as I asked if I could spend some time (days to a week) with friends in my old college town and he readily agreed I need to get away and would drive me there whenever I chose to go. At least it is something to look forward to.

I feel bad for venting when this is so minuscule compared to all the issues in the world and the suffering. I know it sounds so petty; please go easy on me, I’d appreciate it a lot.

 

[Flame4]

The problem seems to clearly be deeper than dress shopping. I’m sorry things are going this way for you. People get stressed around weddings and it can be worse if family dynamics are already problematic. I’m not excusing how they are acting, but just be aware that the stress of the wedding mighy be partly to blame, especially in your mother who just wants every thing to go smoothly.

I would advise you to just lay low. Don’t invest too much emotionally in what is happening. Not to say you should act grumpy, but personally, don’t dwell on not being included. Only get involved if asked or it seems obvious to do so. You can let your mother know that you are there to help if needed, but let it be no more than a reminder. Let them take you up on the offer or not. No, it doesn’t seem fair, but it will keep you out of the firing line.

If you can visit any friends or anything at this time that would be nice. Even if you just call them. Maybe they can come visit you if you can’t go to them? I’m not sure if the situation will allow it, but I’m suggesting it in case it will. I would take your dad up on his offer to drive you. Maybe he wants to escape the madness as well!
But yes, lie low. And pray!

God bless