Would you consider this abusive or extreme?

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mega1

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I just want to know how common this is…
This afternoon we were all going to go out to eat. Around 3:30. I was ready. They wanted to watch a hockey game. I said ok. So I laid on couch and fell asleep for short nap. When I woke up my husband was screaming at the top of his lungs about the game. I bit my tongue and said nothing about how jarring that is to someone napping.

So I stood up and said lets get dinner now that it’s 5pm. I went toward the door. They ignored me. So I started doing my make up at the door with my mirror.

I finally said hey when are we going? I guess I had a tone and DH started yelling at me that I needed to stop yelling. My son said “she’s not yelling you are.”

So then he got ticked. I walked to the car and got son in car. DH started slamming doors. And then DH started saying that we should just stay home. And then he started slamming the car into gear. I said we should not be going to dinner like this. Let’s just stay. So DH shuts off car …
Son started crying and told DH to apologize to me. He eventually did.

During this I whispered please don’t do this in front of him. But he kept on. He didn’t care.

Again he did cool down and try to make civil conversation. But I was really hurt and annoyed.

Does that sound extreme?

Well, I had a talk with him tonight and told him id like to go back to counseling. He said okay and rolled his eyes and asked why.

I told him the yelling at me etc was good example and that I feel we need to work on communication. Then there was about 5 min of silence. I finally asked what he was thinking about. And he said that everything I told him made him feel like a loser and that it was a “pretty big dump”. That I made him feel like a bad person.

I told him I was hoping he would say he loved me and wanted to work on it. He said well I said “sorry earlier!”

I said but it isn’t the same. You are rolling your eyes and making me the bad guy for speaking up.

He just said he wasn’t a good communicator and it isn’t easy to fix.

What am I supposed to think?
 
I know you will receive responses to your question, as with your other threads.
I just think I should pray for mutual love and peace to prevail in your family, with special concern for your son growing up, that he is able to have a balanced and happy passage to mature adulthood.

God bless your family this Easter and always.
Kind wishes,
Trishie
 
I’d say it was extreme. What he needs to hear is that this kind of behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated in the future. If necessary, stay with friends or family for awhile until he gets it through his head that you aren’t going to return until his behavior changes. I’m not a champion of divorce, but I think a separation would suffice. I’ll pray for you that you and the kids stay safe and that this situation comes to a happier ending.
 
Mega,
Remember that others have pointed out how your husband likes to turn things around to make you feel bad. He should have been the one to feel bad, making his whole family cry with his childish behavior!

If he feels like a loser because you ask him to go back to counseling after his bad behavior–**that is his problem. **He ought to feel like a loser–not because you said that but because he behaved in that way. He *should *feel ashamed of himself.

In fact, he should realize that your asking him to go back to counseling instead of just walking out on him is a good thing and indicates your love for him and desire to make things work out between the two of you.

You need to start seeing how he fights, and learn to counteract what he does. You know, coaches will have their teams watch videos of the team they are going to play? Poker players will observe their opponents for tells? And boxers do the same.

You need to see the weapons your husband uses against you and figure out how to deflect them. If he says he feels like a loser, tell him that is *his *problem and that you can’t fix how he feels about himself and *his own actions. *If he tries to change the subject to something he doesn’t like about what you did, tell him you are willing to talk about that after you two have finished talking about the subject at hand. Etc.

Is he willing to go to counseling reluctantly and sulkily? Then count that as a win and go!!! Don’t wait til he is all ok with the idea!
 
I will definitely go. But the last time we went … I stopped it because it was VERY clear to me and the therapist that my husband was not only unwilling to change…

My husband “accidentally” kicked our son in the ribs. Son was playing and apparently landed in his groin. My husband said it was a “reflex” and son had wind knocked out of him.

My therapist reported it to CPS and I had to witness our son being interviewed by CPS about his daddy.

Everything turned out ok as CPS suggested anger therapy and husband agreed to go.

Well 3 weeks after that… We were in couples therapy and I told this story and that I was scared it wasn’t just a “reflex”. That I had tried to rationalize and replay it over and over in my head.

When the therapist asked him what happened…, he told a different story. I was horrified. I said… Wait? I thought it was a “reflex” and he said … I have a terrible memory. It isn’t important anyway…

The therapist gave me that look. And I knew what she was thinking. And I left that day thinking I must separate/divorce him. But I choked. And instead I stopped therapy and continued to just live and pray that his own IC would improve him.

It has. I don’t see physical abuse symptoms anymore.

But I’m scared of going back to couples counseling. It was pretty obvious at that time what I should have done.
 
Yelling and screaming, banging things around, being destructive with behavior in car and displaying anger in front of your son like this: All of these are extreme and abusive. They indicate a person who does not have self control. And what for, all over a stupid hockey game and going out to dinner?

Your husband needs counseling all right and plenty of it. I suggest making the appointment for both of you to go and telling him when it is. I would also tell him you consider his past actions abusive and detrimental to your son, so the counseling is a must not an option. Don’t put up with it and let him know you are not going to. He will keep doing it and get worse.

He needs to grow up.
 
mega1 said:
I just want to know how common this is…
This afternoon we were all going to go out to eat. Around 3:30. I was ready. They wanted to watch a hockey game. I said ok. So I laid on couch and fell asleep for short nap. When I woke up my husband was screaming at the top of his lungs about the game. I bit my tongue and said nothing about how jarring that is to someone napping.

So I stood up and said lets get dinner now that it’s 5pm. I went toward the door. They ignored me. So I started doing my make up at the door with my mirror.

I finally said hey when are we going? I guess I had a tone and DH started yelling at me that I needed to stop yelling. My son said “she’s not yelling you are.”

So then he got ticked. I walked to the car and got son in car. DH started slamming doors. And then DH started saying that we should just stay home. And then he started slamming the car into gear. I said we should not be going to dinner like this. Let’s just stay. So DH shuts off car …
Son started crying and told DH to apologize to me. He eventually did.

During this I whispered please don’t do this in front of him. But he kept on. He didn’t care.

Again he did cool down and try to make civil conversation. But I was really hurt and annoyed.

Does that sound extreme?

Well, I had a talk with him tonight and told him id like to go back to counseling. He said okay and rolled his eyes and asked why.

I told him the yelling at me etc was good example and that I feel we need to work on communication. Then there was about 5 min of silence. I finally asked what he was thinking about. And he said that everything I told him made him feel like a loser and that it was a “pretty big dump”. That I made him feel like a bad person.

I told him I was hoping he would say he loved me and wanted to work on it. He said well I said “sorry earlier!”

I said but it isn’t the same. You are rolling your eyes and making me the bad guy for speaking up.

He just said he wasn’t a good communicator and it isn’t easy to fix.

What am I supposed to think?
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Have you talked to someone at the domestic violence shelter? You might want to keep their phone number, very discreetly, perhaps under another name…baker…or some other thing he wouldn’t suspect.

Get yourself ready. In domestic violence, they recommend having a plan ready, just in case. Have some cash set aside somewhere and a few things so that you can take off at a moment’s notice. If you don’t have anywhere else to go, you could see about going, temporarily, to a shelter.

If you can’t have a bag of stuff ready at the house, see if a family member, or friend, would be willing to keep one for you. A domestic violence shelter has a list of things you could do to prepare yourself.

I’d recommend you start calling now, not while you’re in the throws of an incident.

It concerns me how your husband does these things, “accidentally”. Further, it seems to be a pattern going on who knows how long.

Can you stay with a family member, even temporarily?

Even if he won’t go to counseling, I think you need to go.
 
I am going to therapy and I will also point out that “reflex” incidents was a few years ago. But that was the last time we did couple therapy. Since then he only did IC.

I don’t believe that he would be physically dangerous to us…

He is just sarcastic and derogatory when confronted with issues.

As difficult as this has been I will say that he improved in that area. I hope I’m not giving him too much credit. Today he’s in a great mood and pretending that life is perfect.
 
Hello Mega.

You mentioned in your OP that the two of you were at one time in counseling together. I don’t know if this was mentioned during that time, but it should’ve been: Marriage is between two people and that means that two people are responsible for it’s success or failure. What does that mean? No one party is to blame for anything at all. No one party can be to blame for anything that is wrong. If there is something wrong in the marriage, then there are two people who need work. Thinking this way eliminates the BLAME GAME which can drastically change the marital landscape quite a bit… Each person needs to examine their part in the partnership to see where they can improve and NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR PARTNER’S AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY. If you put your energy into your part of the partnership, the whole picture will improve. Keep the focus on what parts of the partnership you are responsible for and you will no longer be trying to decided where to draw lines in the sand about how much abuse is too much abuse. ANY ABUSE is wrong and usually BOTH are guilty in various ways, i.e. I did this because he did that.

The quickest way to heal a broken marriage it to seek for personal holiness. If your eyes are set on Heaven, then you won’t be doing have the things you are doing that have a negative impact on your marriage. Learn about marriage and what is expected of you as a spouse and do you best to do those things. There are many good Catholic resources for strengthening your marriage. The Counselor you see cannot fix it. They do not have a magic wand to wave over your spouse to turn them from a frog to a prince. Do wait for him to become perfect before you begin to work on yourself. When you honestly look to yourself for answers, then he might not seem so warty.

Glenda
 
When you spoke to an attorney last Monday, what advice did he/she give you?
 
The attorney basically said to try to get him into counseling so that no matter what… Things are stable.

He also suggested I get my finances in order and figure out how I would handle bills/custody.

Btw I also asked my husband last night if he was happy. He said yes! And doesn’t see any problems …
 
Have you ever gotten around to reading “The Sociopath Next Door”? If your husband is a sociopath or uses coping strategies used by sociopaths (that is, if he operates entirely out of self-interest with no actual empathy for anyone else), then he is going to do exactly what he thinks will give himself the best outcome. He will not worry about fair or honest, he will not tell you what he really thinks but will use the words that get him what he wants, he will not worry about telling the truth, he will not worry about anyone else’s feelings, well-being, or future, he will not do what empathetic people come to expect other empathetic people to do.

IOW, things will be “stable” with him for exactly as long as “stable” works well for him. he will continue to try to manipulate you and your perception of the situation in his favor. You know this better than any of us, poor thing. Keep yourself in counselling, because you’ll need help to convince yourself that the reality right in front of your eyes really is real, rather than the bill of goods he keeps trying to sell you, instead. Don’t try to do this without help!
 
mega1 said:
I am going to therapy and I will also point out that “reflex” incidents was a few years ago. But that was the last time we did couple therapy. Since then he only did IC.

**I don’t believe that he would be physically dangerous to us… **

He is just sarcastic and derogatory when confronted with issues.

As difficult as this has been I will say that he improved in that area. I hope I’m not giving him too much credit. Today he’s in a great mood and pretending that life is perfect.
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You don’t think he would be physically dangerous to you, anymore. He already has been physically dangerous to your son.
 
I know it’s hard to let go of a relationship. But your safety, and that of your children, should come first. A shelter may be the place to go. But, as has already been suggested, be prepared about it. Pack a small bag for you and one each for your children. Then leave them with someone you trust. Call the shelter first to make sure they have room for you. Then go before he really harms you or the children. Since he has already assaulted one (I strongely doubt that the kicking incident was reflex), he should be considered a dangerous person.

I know it won’t be easy. When me and my ex separated, I felt like it was all my fault. But in the years since, I have had to come to grips with the fact that he was largely at fault. My biggest thing was that I wanted to make the marriage work, so I “let pass” a lot of his behavior. We were married only 3 1/2 years. But they were the longest years of my life. I had to put up with a lot of verbal/mental abuse, and at times he got physical as well. The biggest problem after that was that since he had liberal visitation rights, I had to stay in contact with him. He continued he abuse even then.

Please, consider the advice given and make plans to put it into action. And do whatever you can to make sure that if he sees the children, it’s under supervision. I’m praying for you.
 
Abusive and extreme, yes.

Mega,
This is really upsetting and scary. He has been physically dangerous with your son, and then changed his story about what happened. He is so scary and mean to you that your son is compelled to defend you. He has spoken to your son behind your back about moving.

You do not need any more confirmation that he is dangerous and his behavior is NOT normal. You have nearly unanimous support on that here.

Please act to protect yourself and your son. And please be careful when you act.
 
Something that is hard for me… As a child of verbal abuse myself…is knowing how things will turn out long term. I have bet on him being less aggressive and more of a father figure. And that has happened. But it took him leaving his job and working freelance as to avoid the constant stress of daily life.

I guess I see the comments about shelters and think no that’s not necessary. But, I can see on the surface that someone who has had those tendencies even years ago… Appears to be a danger.

I guess my therapy session (IC) will need to focus on this!

Sometimes I wish he would just haul off and hit me. It would make my choice much easier.
 
mega1 said:
Sometimes I wish he would just haul off and hit me. It would make my choice much easier.
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Although it would be terrible to be a victim of physical abuse, *it might wake you up to what happened to your son. *

Imagine being just a little boy. Playing with Dad. When suddenly Dad hauls off and kicks you in the ribs. Then Dad *lies *about it.

Yes, it might be nice for Mom to know where you are coming from.
 
I understand. I do. Mainly because even after that happened I was paralyzed with fear. I was a bad mother at that time.

But years later… And no subsequent physical instances … Do you think one can be seen as no further threat?
 
mega1 said:
I understand. I do. Mainly because even after that happened I was paralyzed with fear. I was a bad mother at that time.

But years later… And no subsequent physical instances … Do you think one can be seen as no further threat?
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Mega, after reading your posts, I have come to the conclusion that one of two things are going to happen.

Either you are going to wake up to the abusive nature of your husband. And actually do something about it.

Or he is going to severely hurt you or your son.

Can someone change? Yes, I believe they can. But based on what you have said, your husband hasn’t changed. Normal men don’t yell and berate their wives.
 
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