Would you consider this violation of pledge to forsake others?

[Miss_Piggy]

After 20 years of marriage, my husband contacted the parents of his former girlfriend of 5 years (college years) to return a baby picture of her. He said they were like second parents to him during this time, and there was no animosity when he and the girl parted. My husband expressed a great deal of anxiety about the meeting. He made the call to arrange the picture’s return, and they invited him to lunch. He drove over an hour both ways and stayed and reminisced for over three hours. On the phone, he had learned the girl was married with kids and also homeschooled as do we. I was curious to know how the meeting went, but he said nothing. The next day, I lightheartedly asked him how it went and all of the news about the family, siblings, etc. My husband told me that it aroused a lot of strong emotions in him. When I asked him repeatedly what that was supposed to mean, he told me that it had really messed with his head and that he didn’t think that I was the person he should discuss it with. I feel that if he knew he was having this much anxiety over the meeting that it was a sign that his intentions were not pure and that he should never have gone, but should have mailed the picture back with an appropriate note. I feel betrayed and hurt and believe my husband has been untrue to his promise to forsake all others by purposely continuing to entertain memories that bring up such strong emotions. Is there something in the teachings of the church about taking pleasure in entertaining thoughts of past boyfriend/girlfriends? My husband tends to be very self-centered, and his thoughts were all about how this had “messed with his head” and not one second about how it made me feel. I realize I’m the one telling the story, but I would like the (name removed by moderator)ut of some other minds. Can you help?

 

[whatevergirl]

This may sound…hmmm…blunt, but I have thrown out all old boyfriend memorbilia back in college days, without a thought about any of them. After 20 years of marriage, why did your husband feel the need to return this pic? If he didn’t want to throw it out, why not just bury it somewhere? I think I would start there with your husband, and get to the reason he felt the need to drive to see her parents to begin with. I mean, my husband, when we lived in PA, bumped into old girlfriends, from high school–quick hello, how are you, nice to see you, kind of chatter–but he didn’t drive out of his way to meet with their parents. I would probably figure out why he felt the need to do that, and I don’t blame you for feeling confused. I don’t think he has done anything to jeopardize your marriage, but you definitely need to get to the bottom of his feelings…soon.

I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

 

[thenewmrssears]

Well, it definitely sounds suspicious.

I am a “memory hoarder” admitedly. I have pictures, gifts, cards, notes, etc from my birth through now. This includes momentos from ex boyfriends. I look back fondly on all of my relationships, and they are all parts of my past leading to who I am today. I see no need to throw these things away.

However, Nathan knows about them. I have never hid them at any point. They sit in a box in my closet open to anyone.

That said. I am still on good terms with two of my boyfriends. We speak regularly. One of them lives in the same city as us, and while he and Nathan aren’t friends, said ex and I meet for lunch about once every other month. The other still lives in my hometown, but I call on him when I am in town for lunch or drinks with other friends. Both of these friendships are out in the open, and once again, I make no effort to hide them from Nathan. I tell him my plans always saying if he is uncomfortable I can cancel.

Both sets of my exes’ parents are on our Christmas card list - not because they are their parents, but rather because they were in my life for extended periods of time. I love both sets, and they are great people. We also send a Christmas card to the parents of Nathan’s high school girlfriend…from his sophomore and junior years,

My suspicion isn’t that he met with them, but rather in the way he has handled it. He should have been upfront and more honest with you. I would give it a few days and approach the topic again. I have no advice on how to handle that conversation, but I am sure someone will.

You are in my prayers.

 

[sea_star]

After 20 years of marriage, my husband contacted the parents of his former girlfriend of 5 years (college years) to return a baby picture of her. He said they were like second parents to him during this time, and there was no animosity when he and the girl parted. My husband expressed a great deal of anxiety about the meeting. He made the call to arrange the picture’s return, and they invited him to lunch. He drove over an hour both ways and stayed and reminisced for over three hours. On the phone, he had learned the girl was married with kids and also homeschooled as do we. I was curious to know how the meeting went, but he said nothing. The next day, I lightheartedly asked him how it went and all of the news about the family, siblings, etc. My husband told me that it aroused a lot of strong emotions in him. When I asked him repeatedly what that was supposed to mean, he told me that it had really messed with his head and that he didn’t think that I was the person he should discuss it with. I feel that if he knew he was having this much anxiety over the meeting that it was a sign that his intentions were not pure and that he should never have gone, but should have mailed the picture back with an appropriate note. I feel betrayed and hurt and believe my husband has been untrue to his promise to forsake all others by purposely continuing to entertain memories that bring up such strong emotions. Is there something in the teachings of the church about taking pleasure in entertaining thoughts of past boyfriend/girlfriends?

You have been married as long as I have, and I am thinking: If my husband had this bright idea to return a piece of memorabilia to an old girlfriend’s parents, I would not let it happen before I opened my big mouth about it first( *if *he would–or could joking --still do it after I spoke with him is pure speculation) .

You ARE the person he should discuss it with because you’re his wife. If I were you, I would tell him that you graciously let him do this dumb thing he did without saying much about it (or did you prior to him going?) , but now you want HIM to be gracious and not act like a school-aged boy all-confused about his feelings, as if he hadn’t already made a choice FOR YOU a long time ago. He needs to acknowledge your generosity and reassure you.

Is there anything in church teaching about willfully entertaining thoughts about past boyfriends or girlfriends? There is no “rule” about what we can keep—that all just falls under the heading of common sense and basic sensitivity for the one we love. If it bothers you, then him keeping stuff that reminds him of other lovey-dovey times NOT with you would be wrong. It is a subjective decision per relationship. It also depends on if is not thrown away because the long-gone "person will always remain special " to them—which is corny.

My husband tends to be very self-centered, and his thoughts were all about how this had “messed with his head” and not one second about how it made me feel. I realize I’m the one telling the story, but I would like the (name removed by moderator)ut of some other minds. Can you help?

Do you just need to be told that that you are not crazy for feeling what you do?? No you’re not! But *I don’t automatically *think that your husband intended to cheat, but maybe he just needed to indulge his own ego at your expense.

You say he has a tendency to be self-centered and considerate only of HIS feelings?----he needs to be reminded of yours. He might just still want to know he is a “romantic” figure in someone’s life—well, cry your eyes out! (if you want) and shower him with kisses, and say how much you need him. Scare the dickens outta him and be desparate about it! Do something spontanoeus.

 

[gardenswithkids]

After 20 years of marriage, my husband contacted the parents of his former girlfriend of 5 years (college years) to return a baby picture of her. He said they were like second parents to him during this time, …

Here’s a different angle that may or may not apply to this situation.

First, a few questions. Are your husband’s parents alive? Are yours? What is/was your husband’s relationship like with his parents and yours?

If they were like second parents to him, the strange mix of emotions probably don’t involve many romantic feelings. My own parents are dead. There are a few parents of my own childhood friends that stir up my memories and emotions. When I drove by an old friend’s childhood home one time, I couldn’t even pull myself together to ring the door-bell to see her mom. I sat outside in the car crying and a flood of emotions overwhelmed me: grief over the loss of my own parents, the passing of the years, etc.

With different choices, those “second parents” could have really been his family. This may be more about sorting through his feeling about the old girlfriend’s *parents–*and parents and life in general–with the old girlfriend only coming into the picture as it relates to that.

He could have returned the picture by mail. I suspect took it to them because that gave him a reason to see her parents. He probably really wanted to see the parents. He likely found some lovely older people who are getting on in years, possibly slowing down or suffering from some health issues. Beyond any romatic feelings that may or may not have been stirred for the old girlfriend, your husband just got a glimpse of what twenty plus years of aging looks like. He’s probably confronting numerous emotions that relate to life and death. The parents of the baby in that picuture aren’t young anymore, and neither is your husband.

 

[dulcissima]

He chose to meet with her parents, not with her. That shows a big difference in intention.

If you have been married for 20 years, you and your husband have probably reached middle age. It is normal that this can be a time for reflection, to think about where you have been and where you are headed. Your husband chose this time to think about this past relationship and to put it behind him by returning the picture.

I think you are perhaps trying to get too much into his head, and trying to hard to make it be about you. That he is thinking about his past does not mean that he is unhappy about his choice to marry you.

I don’t think it benefits your marriage in any way to solicit opinions about whether or not this meeting violates the pledge to forsake all others. So, if everyone gets on here and says that it does, are you going to start treating your husband like he is an adulterer? Are you going to start treating him with suspicion?

I think that is not the right path to go down. Give your husband some peace, and give him a bit of space to reflect.

 

[rolltidefan]

Hey Miss Piggy…I agree with most of the posters here. I especially agree with what dulcissma had to say. I think probably after 20 years of marriage, there is nothing to it, other than he was close to these people and wanted to give their picture back. As one of the other posters said, he didn’t ask to meet with the ex…it was her parents. However, I do think he probably should have invited you along with him. I think if all of us in our marriages would ask, would I want this done to me, then all of us would have better marriages because most of the things we have done, we would think twice about. I think you are probably just getting a little insecure about it and a lot of times that leads to alot of irrational thoughts and feelings on our part.

I do keep all my memories from the past. I see nothing wrong about it. I don’t pull them out and have fantasies about anybody, but it is funny to pull things out and have a good laugh with my kids. I have a 14 and 11 year old and even with their little “love letters” I keep all their stuff. I also never expected my husband to throw any of his things out.

I do fully 100% agree with Dulcissma on the part where she mentioned alot of times coming on a public forum and asking questions will lead you on a wrong road. (not exactly how she said it, but more or less! lol) Anyway, I do agree with that. You have people that have had bad experiences or having a bad day and they just get all up in arms about things. I think in most situations like this, I would be asking a Godly person that I personally knew and could completely trust for such guidance. Not saying that this place isn’t wonderful, but for most personal issues such as this, I would refrain from wanting advice such as, has my husband violated a vow. First of all, we only know one side of the story (not saying yours it not correct) and to judge your husband on something as that is quite frankly unfair to him. Believe me I know, you want people you can trust with these things. I am on my second marriage and having Godly people to talk to is wonderful. Anyway, I hope this helps. I will be praying that God gives you the peace you need. And always remember to keep an open communication with your husband. That is when a marriage fails is when the communication is closed off. God Bless You.

 

[jrabs]

Let’s hold the phone for a moment. The key words are…“was close”. He was close to the parents but that was 20 years ago.

He did not need to drive to meet them and hear news and updates. He simply could have sent the photo back. There was no purpose in the meeting.

In fact, I am not really sure a picture really warrants returning after all these years at the risk of upsetting you. She obviously has not missed it all these years.

I would be upset and you have every reason to be upset. And yes, he does owe you a discussion about it.

 

[whatevergirl]

Let’s hold the phone for a moment. The key words are…“was close”. He was close to the parents but that was 20 years ago.

He did not need to drive to meet them and hear news and updates. He simply could have sent the photo back. There was no purpose in the meeting.

In fact, I am not really sure a picture really warrants returning after all these years at the risk of upsetting you. She obviously has not missed it all these years.

I would be upset and you have every reason to be upset. And yes, he does owe you a discussion about it.

I agree!! I think it’s a colossal waste of time, and frankly…it makes me wonder if for the past 20 yrs, has he had this woman in the back of his head? I mean, just seems odd, to me. I’m not a suspicious type, but I think that a husband needs to be focusing on the present, and not the past. There was no point, to me, in giving back the photo in person. Just my thoughts.

 

[BamaRider]

I’m gonna take it your husband is in his 40s early 50s?

It is not unusual for a man at this age to question everything he’s ever done. Career, where he lives, past relationships, how he got here and where he wants to go. Don’t take it personaly.

Men at midlife wonder about the could have beens, and the what ifs. If y’alls children are adult, he will look at them and question how he raised them, if there was anything he could have done different etc. For many years he lived his life for others and now wonders about things.

This usually lasts 2-3 years. I recall my past relationships, some were casual and a few were serious. Bad timing and philosophical differences ended the serious relationships in heartbreaking fashions. They were difficult and gut wrenching at the time. But I never felt like I had unfinished business with any of them.

I took something from each of those relationships that helped mold the man Debbie found later.

IMHO a married individual has not much business meeting or socializing with a old flame. I was the first serious relationship my wife had, but the same was not true for me. She made it quite clear long ago what the rules were. If I were to call one of my old girlfriends, I better have a dang good reason, and I hafta to be up front about it. In 32 years not had a reason, but we have run into a couple of them over the years.

The only exception to that is the one that now weighs 300 lbs. She says I can call her anytime LOL.

But none of those girls were in Debbie’s league anyway.

I’d remind your husband he is NOT the man he was 20 years ago, and the past is the past. His life is with you now.

 

[puzzleannie]

maybe not yet, but I wouldn’t push it and make an issue of what hasn’t happened yet, due to my own suspicions, or it might very well escalate

 

[SMHW]

You know your husband better than us. Was this about the girlfriend? Was this about the parents? Do you know if these people really were like second parents to him?

You don’t say whether or not you were OK with your husband returning this photo in person and what, if anything, you communicated to him how you felt. If you were uneasy about it all along then I think your husband acted inappropriately and you need to get him to own up to it.

If you didn’t have a problem with what he did then I think you need back off and wait. Although you had to push him, your husband was honest enough to tell you that he had some mixed feelings. Men do not resolve such feelings by discussing them (like women tend to do.) Men usually do better stuffing such feelings. Unless you observe that your husband is looking to re-establish an ongoing relationship with these parents I suggest you let those feelings stay buried.

 

[ecp007]

Wow! Is your husband untrustworthy? Has he cheated on you before?

You have been married 20 years. He is a grown man. He went to see people he was close to, that he hadn’t seen in a long time, because he wanted to. He missed them. Going back in time causes emotions to stir.

He was honest about it with you. He told you where he was going, and what effect it had on him.

If you hound and pester him, it will confirm any doubts he may have. (I shouldn’t have married her, look what a nag she is…etc).

If instead, you respect him. Love him. Thank him for sharing what he could, and acknowledge that there is nothing to be gained by walking down memory lane with you. This may just confirm the other voice in his head. “Wow! I made the right choice. I’m with the love of my life who understands and cares about me!”

 

[Sierrah]

After 20 years of marriage, my husband contacted the parents of his former girlfriend of 5 years (college years) to return a baby picture of her. He said they were like second parents to him during this time, and there was no animosity when he and the girl parted. My husband expressed a great deal of anxiety about the meeting. He made the call to arrange the picture’s return, and they invited him to lunch. He drove over an hour both ways and stayed and reminisced for over three hours. On the phone, he had learned the girl was married with kids and also homeschooled as do we. I was curious to know how the meeting went, but he said nothing. The next day, I lightheartedly asked him how it went and all of the news about the family, siblings, etc. My husband told me that it aroused a lot of strong emotions in him. When I asked him repeatedly what that was supposed to mean, he told me that it had really messed with his head and that he didn’t think that I was the person he should discuss it with. I feel that if he knew he was having this much anxiety over the meeting that it was a sign that his intentions were not pure and that he should never have gone, but should have mailed the picture back with an appropriate note. I feel betrayed and hurt and believe my husband has been untrue to his promise to forsake all others by purposely continuing to entertain memories that bring up such strong emotions. Is there something in the teachings of the church about taking pleasure in entertaining thoughts of past boyfriend/girlfriends? My husband tends to be very self-centered, and his thoughts were all about how this had “messed with his head” and not one second about how it made me feel. I realize I’m the one telling the story, but I would like the (name removed by moderator)ut of some other minds. Can you help?

If it was a baby picture he should have just mailed it back he was under no obligation to see them again. If he wanted to catch up he could have wrote a nice note. I’m one of those who don’t believe it’s healthy to revisit the past especially when you’ve made choices and commitments that close the door on that part of your past.

You’re husband sounds like he looking for something and maybe going through a midlife crises. I would ask him to see a priest together and explore what’s going on in his mind reminding him that he chose you as his wife and helpmate over this other lady and that you’re the only person he should be sharing his most intimate thoughts with and no one else.

He maybe self centered or just entering a depression phase which tends to make people focus only on themselves. I went through all that in my 20s…thanks goodness it’s over but it can consume you. Best of all pray.

 

[Island_Oak]

I sincerely don’t mean to add to your concerns, but this is one of the strangest posts I have ever read. Strange because it seems so unlike a man to do this. I can see a woman go out of her way to reconnect with the parents of an old boyfriend or to go WAY out of her way to return a photo or to be emotionally affected by such a re-connection after so many years of marriage, but not the average guy.

Someone else suggested “midlife crisis.” Have the two of you been struggling and/or experiencing distance in your relationship? Is he having troubles in his career? For him to return with such emotion and nostalgia to something so far in the past suggests to me something is missing in the present. You job and challenge is to get to the bottom of what that is.

 

[Jwlynas]

I’m failing to see what is wrong with what the husband did…
He returned a picture of someone he once cared for to an old couple he had a good relationship with from his past, and the meeting brought back a lot of memories. When did that become the kind of act to be met with suspicion and in some cases scorn?

If its that he returned it in person, then he is a brave and caring man and that can hardly be held against him. If its that when he got back and didn’t immediately want to discuss the journey into his private past… Are we being surprised at that?

Especially since you have, as yet, no idea what he found out. Maybe old friends have died, maybe the ex-girlfriend has lost family members your husband was close to?

Any number of things can come from digging into your past. I recently lost a favoured teacher and only found out because I dug up an old friend on “facebook” and was told by then. I only stopped speaking to them a few years ago, and you’re husband hasn’t been in contact with family (or so I presume) for 20 years. Imagine the things that can build up in that time.

Give him space and a bit of credit, and maybe next time you have a problem with your husband having a kind, caring soul, you should try and figure out why that is a bad thing.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m failing to see what is wrong with what the husband did…
He returned a picture of someone he once cared for to an old couple he had a good relationship with from his past, and the meeting brought back a lot of memories. When did that become the kind of act to be met with suspicion and in some cases scorn?

If its that he returned it in person, then he is a brave and caring man and that can hardly be held against him. If its that when he got back and didn’t immediately want to discuss the journey into his private past… Are we being surprised at that?

Especially since you have, as yet, no idea what he found out. Maybe old friends have died, maybe the ex-girlfriend has lost family members your husband was close to?

Any number of things can come from digging into your past. I recently lost a favoured teacher and only found out because I dug up an old friend on “facebook” and was told by then. I only stopped speaking to them a few years ago, and you’re husband hasn’t been in contact with family (or so I presume) for 20 years. Imagine the things that can build up in that time.

Give him space and a bit of credit, and maybe next time you have a problem with your husband having a kind, caring soul, you should try and figure out why that is a bad thing.

I agree. He’s not looking up his old girlfriend…and gee, I cannot imagine why he might be reticent to share feelings about past relationships with his wife. It’s not as if she might take some little thing he says or does and blow it totally out of proportion.

I will tell you this: I could see the parents of my boyfriend of many years ago, a man whom I came within inches of marrying, and it could leave me with thoughts to sort out about my own life or how I had handled our break-up, and I say that in the full knowledge that not marrying him was one of the great graces of my entire life! If my husband were as suspicious as the OP, though, I wouldn’t choose him to talk that kind of thing over with. When deciding what to do with an unexpected windfall of lemons, squirting them into my own eye wouldn’t be my first choice.

The OP’s husband doesn’t feel he can safely share his thoughts and feelings with her, at least when he knows those are thoughts and feelings she might not like or might find threatening in some way. I think his hesitation is totally reasonable. Certainly, there are few people who could remain at peace, given the ability to read the thoughts of others. A certain amont of privacy is prudent. If she doesn’t think that her husband trusts her enough, she can’t work on that by changing him. She can only work on that by looking at whether there is any aspect of that barrier to marital intimacy that comes from herself.

 

[whatevergirl]

In rereading the post, the OP does not give off the impression as being jealous, or suspicious. She simply asked him how the meeting went, and HE was the one who gave off the odd attitude, thus her desire to discuss here. The OP didn’t at all seem upset with the meeting, but her husband’s reaction to the meeting was very odd, in my opinion. I am not sure what my reaction would be, sad, confused, not sure…but I wouldn’t just brush off my husband telling me that a visit with a major ex flame ‘messed with his head,’ etc…

I am leaning towards the mid life crisis thing. I don’t think that any betrayal has taken place–which is tied into the title of this thread. But, it is not something to brush off either. We should not judge the OP by saying that her husband didn’t feel comfortable discussing this with her…I’m sorry,but my husband and I are not digging up old photos, calling up old flame’s parents, and running off for the day to stroll down memory lane. It’s not betrayal, but it is inappropriate. My kids would be like…why are you going to see your ex bf’s mom and dad?

I had a lot of bf’s, some very meaningful relationships…my dh did as well…but we don’t live in the past anymore. I don’t think people need to throw away any items from the past (like I have lol) but, the husband’s behavior AFTER the meeting is what is causing suspicion of the OP, not the fact that he decided to give the pic back.

 

[SMHW]

I am leaning towards the mid life crisis thing. I don’t think that any betrayal has taken place–which is tied into the title of this thread. But, it is not something to brush off either.

I am also of the opinion that this is a midlife issue. I think it’s normal for men to experience a period of reflection and re-evaluation of their lives when they are in their late 40’s/early 50’s. It’s a “crisis” in the sense that the man’s life is likely to go in a somewhat different direction than it did earlier. And it’s almost guaranteed that this will affect the relationship with the wife (and maybe the children) because the man is trying to figure out who he is apart from his marriage and his job.

I know with my husband he felt the need to reconnect with some of the people he knew in high school and in his early 20’s, some male, some female.

My guess is that the OP’s husband is needing to revisit his life at the time of the relationship with this girlfriend. The girlfriend herself was too dangerous so he chose to visit the parents. But even this has stirred up emotions the husband doesn’t know how to feel. He didn’t want to make his wife feel his discomfort so he said nothing. Unfortunately his actions had the opposite effect.

I think the OP would be wise to invite her husband to share those feelings but I think she would be even wiser to let it happen on his time. Chances are she has three years or so before her husband begins to find his direction.

 

[maria29]

a couple of years ago i was packing our apartment and found a box of mementos from my dh ex girlfriend in college.I called him and asked if i could look through it. He didn’t care and much to my delight found $30.00 that had been tucked away in a letter. I went out and bought new clothes

There was also a baby blanket that had belonged to her as a baby. My dh did contact her and meet up with her to give it to her since was something that he thought she’d want back. I had no problem with them meeting nor if he had decided he wanted to continue a friendship with her because i trust him completely.

If either one of was ever going to “cheat” I’d just tell him and vice versa because at that point our marriage is over.