Would you date/marry a non-Catholic?

[Julianna]

Looks like you’ve got the names mixed up.

on the contrary…it was for you

 

[lauramelissa]

This post is coming from an agnostic - I felt like I needed to represent the potential “non-catholic candidates” out there and address some of the blanket statements that are being applied in this thread…

Where would the marriage ceremony take place?

Just because someone is non-Catholic does not make them anti-Catholic. Because religion does not play a part in my life, I would marry my spouse in their church/temple/mosque/what have you if that was important to them. Or if my spouse were non-religious, we’d have a nice outdoor wedding.

Would the non-Catholic Christian expect to use condoms during married life?

Some yes, some no. But this doesn’t really matter, does it, so long as the Catholic spouse doesn’t take part in the use of contraceptives? Besides, what percentage of Catholics use NFP? You’re making an unfair correlation between non-Catholics and birth control, whereas in reality there are many Catholics who participate in the usage of things like condoms.

Would they let the kids go to Catholic school/mass on Sundays?

Many Catholic schools provide excellent educations. I won’t sit here and say that some mixed marriages don’t have conflicts involving whose church to attend, but I can tell you that I personally wouldn’t give a hoot if I married a religious person and the kids decided they wanted to go to church with Dad. The only thing I would insist on is that the children are well-rounded people and not brought up as drones who accept what they’re told without an ounce of curiosity or debate.

Would he or she try to get their Catholic spouse to stop praying the Rosary and “worshiping idols”?

Would the Catholic spouse try to get me to stop performing my various life routines? Like I said previously - this would have no affect on me.

**Would he or she approve of having a priest over to bless the house? **

Is the priest in question pleasant? The way I figure it, any kind of positive energy, whether through thought, prayer, or blessing is okay by me!

Would they argue over religion, or just stop practicing altogether and let the children decide on their own what to do about religion when they grow up just to keep the peace?

They might enjoy discussing religion between the two of them (not involving the children so they don’t feel as though they’re being influenced in one direction or the other), but I don’t see any reason why they would “just stop” practicing in order to keep the peace. When I have my kids, they’re my kids regardless if they’re Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or members of the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

 

[Larowyn]

All I’ve seen in this thread is that some Catholics think that they are above considering a Catholic for a spouse and everyone else from the pope down to the typical Catholic parishioner should simply accept that. Certain people posting here give off this attitude that they are infallible and that since they chose something they simply cannot be wrong and that their glorious and perfect and wonderful mixed-religion marriage is the rule and not the exception.

Some yes, some no. But this doesn’t really matter, does it, so long as the Catholic spouse doesn’t take part in the use of contraceptives? Besides, what percentage of Catholics use NFP? You’re making an unfair correlation between non-Catholics and birth control, whereas in reality there are many Catholics who participate in the usage of things like condoms.

Just because some Catholics don’t follow Church teachings doesn’t mean that their wrongdoings have been given the green light for everyone else.

 

[lauramelissa]

Just because some Catholics don’t follow Church teachings doesn’t mean that their wrongdoings have been given the green light for everyone else.

Yes, but you were previously using birth control as an issue a mixed religious couple might face. Clearly birth control is something people across the spectrum use, so it’s really not fair to use that as a justification against one group.

 

[Larowyn]

Yes, but you were previously using birth control as an issue a mixed religious couple might face. Clearly birth control is something people across the spectrum use, so it’s really not fair to use that as a justification against one group.

One group of what? It’s an issue that would easily be avoided in a Catholic-Catholic marriage.

 

[lauramelissa]

One group of what? It’s an issue that would easily be avoided in a Catholic-Catholic marriage.

I was referencing those who aren’t Catholic, so perhaps it would be better classified as “multiple groups”.

And no, that’s clearly not always the case if some Catholics participate in the use of birth control.

 

[Just_wondering]

I have to agree with LauraMelissa (so much, in fact, that I’m copying her format for rebuttal). I was raised non-religious, and I’m planning to marry my Catholic boyfriend. Two years ago I was quite anti-religion, but I’ve mellowed since meeting him. In fact, I’ve done an about-face and I’m planning to join the church sometime. I think the difference is between marrying a non-Catholic and marrying an anti-Catholic. As a non-Catholic but not anti-Catholic, I think my responses to the questions below show that it’s not automatically harmful for a Catholic to marry a non-Catholic.

Where would the marriage ceremony take place?
I’ve got no problem getting married in a church, and doing all the necessary marriage preparation that wouldn’t be required if I were marrying someone with no religion. I know very few women who would marry someone religious and refuse to allow them to get married in their own religion. (Can’t answer for the guys.)

Would the non-Catholic Christian expect to use condoms during married life?
Ugh! Not me. Sex is supposed to bring people closer together, condoms keep them apart. Let’s be honest, I think most people who are trying to avoid children use birth control pills or other hormonal methods because they don’t ruin the mood. In my case, my boyfriend and I both want four to six kids, so given that we’re starting late and I plan to breastfeed, we probably won’t need to do much avoiding. If the only way he can morally space kids is by using NFP to determine when I’m not fertile, I’m not going to force him to disobey his religion.

I think that just comes down to respect. If he respects me enough to marry me and not lecture me on how I’m going to hell for not following his beliefs, then how could I justify not giving him the same respect? I’m not going to try to force him to give up his beliefs for mine. Part of marriage is supporting your spouse in their decisions, as long as the decisions aren’t going to harm them or others.

Would they let the kids go to Catholic school/mass on Sundays?
My boyfriend told me from the start that he’d be going to mass every Sunday, and that the kids would go with him. Deal-breaker issue for him. He also asked me if I’d come. I said he and the kids would be no problem, and I’d decide for myself whether I would come.

Schooling was what got the whole investigating the church ball rolling. My BF told me we wouldn’t be able to get married unless I was supportive of sending our kids to Catholic school. The question is another deal-breaker for him. I’m a teacher, so education is a deal-breaker for me, too. I did some research and decided I was happy with the overall idea of Catholic school, although we’ll have to make the final decision based on the quality of the schools in the area we end up living. That’s good enough for him, too. We may have a conflict over this later, if there’s a problem with the quality of education in the Catholic schools in our area, but I’m going to trust that we’ll be able to resolve it.

Again, with the respect thing. He respects me enough to let me know what his deal-breakers are and let me make a knowledgeable decision about the issues. I respect him enough to do the research and make sure I understand what I’m committing to.

Would he or she try to get their Catholic spouse to stop praying the Rosary and “worshiping idols”?
His prayer life is his choice, I believe. Isn’t that kind of personal? I’m not Protestant, though, so I don’t have cultural objections to stuff like that. As for the worshiping idols thing, seriously. I do admit that having a home shrine, crucifix on the wall, and holy water font will be very weird for me. That’s NOT how I was raised, and the people around me when I was growing up tended to have just a gold cross necklace as their public symbol of faith. But then, my boyfriend and I are very compatible in our tastes in home decorating, so I’m sure whatever religious items he wants in the house will be tasteful and well-placed. No black velvet crucifixes for us!

Would he or she approve of having a priest over to bless the house?
No, can’t see why not.

Would they argue over religion, or just stop practicing altogether and let the children decide on their own what to do about religion when they grow up just to keep the peace?
I’m not argumentative, so I don’t see myself starting arguments about religion. Since the choices in our relationship are Catholic church or nothing at all, I don’t have a problem with raising the kids Catholic.

The whole thing is becoming moot, though, as all my investigations into Catholicism seem to be leading me to the Church. I’m not an “on fire” convert, but it’s just seeming more and more right to me to become Catholic. Who knows, maybe by the time we get married we won’t be in an interfaith relationship.

 

[GraceDK]

Hello there. My soul is just fine thank you. My parents, (dad Catholic), mom (Baptist) were married in the Catholic Church in the Diocese of Springfield MA, in 1956. They would have been married 50 yrs. (dad passed away in 06). My siblings and I were all raised Catholic. It was my Baptist mother who made sure we went to catechism class and made our sacraments. My mother made my first communion dress (and my sister).

When my mother and father met with Fr. V back in 1955 to make plans for marriage. The priest pointed his finger at my dad, and yelled, “YOU KNOW BETTER!”. And proceded to lecture him, with my mother sitting right there. Thank God, it’s not the 1950’s anymore. Afterwards, my mother told my dad, “Fr. V is not marrying us”. My father told Fr. V, that he did not want him to marry (my dad) and mom. Fr. V told my dad, that he will not marry in a Catholic Church in this Diocese. My dad, said, “Fine, her pastor is waiting to meet with us, we will get married there.”

Oddly enough the other priest, Fr. G, in the church contacted my mother and said he would like her to meet with him to answer any questions she may have and that he was granted permission from the Bishop to marry them. My mother asked many questions and was releived to hear that the stories she heard about Catholics when she was growing up were not true. Fr. G married my parents in 1956.

I often wondered why the change of heart with my dads Church?

I am not a product of sin. What planet are you on? I am firmly planted on the planet “reality”. I married a Catholic, my 2 siblings married Protestants (Pentacostal and Methodist)…their children are raised Catholic. So where is your beef?

We didn’t grow horns on our heads. My Baptist grandmother was so worried about us being raised Catholic. It wasn’t until she got older she realized that we were just fine. I learned alot about the Bible from her and I am grateful that I didn’t grow up in a fishbowl. I knew that one day, I would be working along side Protestants…have a boss that is a Protestant, a neighbor, the police officer, the mailman, my child’s teacher/principal, the kids next door. I live in the south now, where Catholics are few and far between.

You can’t isolate yourself from the rest of the world. How can I best show the wonderful things about being Catholic if I isolate myself, and bite the hand that reaches out to me? How can I point fingers at someone’s else faith journey as unfullfilling, when my Church has some house cleaning to do?

Sometimes, people forget…that they are…well…human

Dear sister in Jesus…
This post of yours was the post of the day! My day anyway… Its great-.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

It’s an issue that would easily be avoided in a Catholic-Catholic marriage.

I wish this forum had a ‘multi-quote’ feature.

I think this discussion would go a lot farther if you choose your words a bit more carefully. You’ve admitted that there are sin-free marriages between Catholics and non-Catholics but still persist in calling them sinful. or at the very least the near occassion of sin. How in the world is a SACRAMENTAL MARRIAGE a near occassion of sin? It doesn’t fly. It implies my sacramental marriage to my Catholic spouse and every other sacramental marriage on its face is a near occassion of sin. Or are you presuming that you are above your fellow Catholics to consider some people more gracefully married than others? Please note that you have accused Catholics who marry non-Catholics of the same thing (to wit, being about their fellow Cathoilcs).

Without explicitly stating it, you have dismissed the notion that fundamental building blocks of good marriages like love, respect, honor and your pick of other virtues could ever exist between two people of different faiths when there is ample evidence that they do. You’ve also neatly dismissed (or at least never addressed the previous posters who’ve brought up this point) that God’s will very well could have brought them together and He may have greater things in store for them than any of us could ever imagine. That takes a lot of nerve to dismiss the will of God.

You then liken yourself ,as a single Catholic, to a dog in the pound waiting for some eligible maid to take pity on you and bring you home. Well simply put, that metaphor is pathetic. No woman, Catholic or not, should ever pity her partner. A man who cast himself in this role will not find a suitable spouse.

And the final thing I’ll point out, that while a two Catholics who marry each other could presumably have a better grasp of some of the potential pitfalls of marriage and places where there could be sin, sadly there is sometimes a failing of education, understanding and/or preparation and couples who consider themselves faithful still fall into sin.

I’m not saying that a Catholic-non-Catholic marriage is necessarily stronger than a Catholic-Catholic marriage, but I am saying that the sweeping generalizations and prejudices fly in the face of real world experience are just that. We need the sacrament of marriage, we need to call upon God’s help and to attack any group of people trying to live faithfully, instead of support them is small.

There are people who call themselves Catholic that sadly fail to meet up to the expectation and non-Catholics that would surprise you in how close they walk with God. I know you’re going to come back telling me that I’m a relativist, yet in my heart I know that I am not. I am pointing out that a soul’s walk toward God isn’t over until it’s over and there is a lot of room for conversion of heart in our lifetimes. So it means that our place is not one of judgment, and to tell people who are not sinning to their face that they are is awful. And to ignore that many people at first glance appear not to sin, but report that they are, is simply naive.

I don’t want to ignore the Catholic-non-Catholic couples that do struggle or the Catholic-Catholic marriages that remain virtuous–but I don’t want to feed the tone that comes across as smug certainty while trying to point out some of the flaws in your thinking. I want to encourage you to grow and become more aware of the reality surrounding you…not everyone is fitting in the neat little roles you’ve cast them into.

Perhaps we all might profit from praying for a strengthening of vocations, tot he single, religious and especially married life.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I’m offended that you’re so pleased with yourself for having a good marriage with a non-Catholic and take the idea of having such a marriage so lightly when there are so many good Catholics out there looking for a good Catholic spouse and will probably never find one, much like how stray dogs at the pound look for good homes.

Well, can’t say I’m sorry I offended you because my marriage has nothing to do with you. You can only control your OWN feelings. People can’t make you feel a certain way.

Also, I don’t take my marriage lightly - and the Catholic Church DOES allow such marriages (so no need to defend my wonderful husband either).

I remember religion class in my teens. The Priest asked what the #1 reason was to get married. Everyone said LOVE. He said - no - it’s to have children and raise them in the Catholic church. I’ve got BOTH! What a blessing!

Besides - I rather marry an open-minded non-Catholic who RESPECTS my faith than a Catholic who respects NO ONE but him/herself in such a judgemental way! That is NOT how our Lord taught us to be!

 

[kmleo]

This is a direct repsonse to the original poster. I just want to share my family’s experience on the subject of Catholic/non-Catholic marriages.

My mother (staunch Catholic) married my father (Baptist) and had two daughters. My dad attended church 40% of the time with my mom, sister and I while I was growing up. By the time I graduated college, he had converted to Catholicism. My upbringing constituted a mother telling me that I would go to hell if I didn’t follow the rules and a father who said nothing.

I strayed from the church big time when I went out on my own (totally not their fault, I’m just giving the background). After a decade of decadence, I met my husband, an agnostic with some childhood experience in the Baptist church. My husband, an agnostic, helped me to return to the Catholic Church through his encouragement and a little “tough love.” He now attends Mass with our daughter and I, and is considering joining The Church. We have now begun having theological disagreements about a few aspects of Church teaching that he is not ready to accept, but all in all our relationship through God’s grace is bringing us both closer to God.

The bottom line is that I believe wholeheartedly that God has chosen the perfect spouse for me. I believe that if you are faithful and pray for guidance, he will lead you to your perfect spouse, who may not yet be Catholic. Think of Saint Monica!! Just pray hard for discernment, because you do not not want to be fooled into a marriage that does not have God’s blessing! Hash out the deal breakers now before you take the plunge. It would certainly be easier if I were married to someone who accepted all of The Church’s teaching, however, I would not be so deeply devoted to understanding all of Her mysteries if I weren’t being challenged on a regular basis to defend them, which oddly enough, feels like a blessing too.

I don’t know if that will help, but it is just another anecdote to add to your collection. Please feel free to PM me if you are still having consternation after this thread!!

God Bless you al!!

 

[GraceDK]

I remember religion class in my teens. The Priest asked what the #1 reason was to get married. Everyone said LOVE. He said - no - it’s to have children and raise them in the Catholic church.

Allow me to diagree with that priest. Love must be the beginning and foundation of all life. As the Bible says: “…then there is faith and hope, but greatest of all is love”. If people dont love they can teach no one the faith. God is Love.

 

[kmleo]

Allow me to diagree with that priest. Love must be the beginning and foundation of all life. As the Bible says: “…then there is faith and hope, but greatest of all is love”. If people dont love they can teach no one the faith. God is Love.

Love is important, but the problem with promoting “love” as being the most important element of a marriage is that the teenage notion of an emotional love is not the same as conjugal love. Part of our society’s issues with marriage stem from thinking that emotional love is what it is all about, when it truly is not. I agree with the priest, but I believe I would have worded it a little bit differently.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I’m offended that you’re so pleased with yourself for having a good marriage with a non-Catholic and take the idea of having such a marriage so lightly when there are so many good Catholics out there looking for a good Catholic spouse and will probably never find one, much like how stray dogs at the pound look for good homes.

So we’re bad people because we got ourselves a cat instead of a dog?

If they are good Catholics who want good Catholic spouses, and that is God’s plan, that will happen. But at the same time, we’re free to choose who we marry. There is not one soul-mate for everyone, and if you choose ‘wrong’ the world will not collapse. Your life may be less than perfect, but when is it ever pristine?

And, God forbid, what’s to say that our non-Catholic spouse dies young and we remarry a Catholic. Are we fulfilling our obligation to pick up a dog so they won’t be lonely?

When I was younger [to be fair, I am still young] in school the teacher would ask to list qualities we wanted in our future spouse. I put down “shared faith” or “Catholic” quite often- I was in the “date and marry a Catholic” group. But then my boyfriend asked me out. An agnostic/atheist/deist- now settling on the term deist. I will admit that when I found this out * I told him that it wouldn’t work.

Well, I changed my mind about it not working, and finally did accept his offer.

We’ll be together for 2 years in August.

Now, no, we’re not married. And we haven’t been through all the things married couples may have. But we’ve had our share of discussions about Catholicism, debates [we both like debates, these are quite friendly and help my faith in that I have to look up stuff] and disagreements.

But as he posted before, if we were to disagree about a religious stance, he’d yield to God’s law. Out of respect and love. In return, I do my best to show him the Catholic faith without seeming to shove it at him.

I understand if you don’t wish to marry a non-Catholic due to hardships. They will be there. But don’t turn this into a new kind of prejudice in which non-Catholics are beneath us and would make bad spouses. Or that we’re bad Catholics, sinning, for our choice in who we love- properly, chastely, in a Sacramental or Natural marriage.*

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

Allow me to diagree with that priest. Love must be the beginning and foundation of all life. As the Bible says: “…then there is faith and hope, but greatest of all is love”. If people dont love they can teach no one the faith. God is Love.

Let me clarify that I DEFINITELY disagreed with the priest and still do. I married for love and was then blessed with the upcoming birth of a child. My point was that another poster was saying I took my marriage lightly - which I do not. I’m blessed with LOVE and children (which in my mind is the only way to go).

Sorry for any confusion

 

[whatevergirl]

All I’ve seen in this thread is that some Catholics think that they are above considering a Catholic for a spouse and everyone else from the pope down to the typical Catholic parishioner should simply accept that. Certain people posting here give off this attitude that they are infallible and that since they chose something they simply cannot be wrong and that their glorious and perfect and wonderful mixed-religion marriage is the rule and not the exception.

Just because some Catholics don’t follow Church teachings doesn’t mean that their wrongdoings have been given the green light for everyone else.

We are called to accept Church teachings, and try our best to follow them. Being Catholic isn’t about pointing fingers at others, whether they be Catholics or not, who are not following the teachings of the Church. We are to help one another to find Truth, and we are to*** strive to follow ***the teachings of the Church. I don’t know any ‘perfect’ Catholics, we all stumble. Jesus came to heal the sick, not congratulate the righteous. I think what people are trying to say here, is that marrying a non Catholic, as a Catholic, didn’t turn out horribly, like some Catholics might think those marriages would be. I personally knew I wanted to marry a Catholic…I hvae seen marriages, far too many, where the Catholic person ended up compromising, and leaving their faith for his/her spouse. I also have seen marriages, where the non Catholic has taken a strong interest in the faith, and had that person not been married to a Catholic, maybe he/she wouldn’t have ever converted. So, there is no right or wrong answer here. I think that if one is a devout Catholic, it would seem that marrying another Catholic would have importance to them, but it isn’t for us to judge.

 

[Larowyn]

We are called to accept Church teachings, and try our best to follow them. Being Catholic isn’t about pointing fingers at others, whether they be Catholics or not, who are not following the teachings of the Church. We are to help one another to find Truth, and we are to*** strive to follow ***the teachings of the Church. I don’t know any ‘perfect’ Catholics, we all stumble. Jesus came to heal the sick, not congratulate the righteous. I think what people are trying to say here, is that marrying a non Catholic, as a Catholic, didn’t turn out horribly, like some Catholics might think those marriages would be. I personally knew I wanted to marry a Catholic…I hvae seen marriages, far too many, where the Catholic person ended up compromising, and leaving their faith for his/her spouse. I also have seen marriages, where the non Catholic has taken a strong interest in the faith, and had that person not been married to a Catholic, maybe he/she wouldn’t have ever converted. So, there is no right or wrong answer here. I think that if one is a devout Catholic, it would seem that marrying another Catholic would have importance to them, but it isn’t for us to judge.

:banghead:

That’s what I’ve been trying to get at all along. In a mixed marriage relationship there’s always the danger of compromise, and certain compromises, like immoral sexual actions or giving up going to Mass weekly, can be sinful, which means that mixed marriages can be a near occasion of sin. Of course, not all mixed marriages will be like that, but there’s a lot less risk if Catholics marry Catholics.

 

[whatevergirl]

:banghead:

That’s what I’ve been trying to get at all along. In a mixed marriage relationship there’s always the danger of compromise, and certain compromises, like immoral sexual actions or giving up going to Mass weekly, can be sinful, which means that mixed marriages can be a near occasion of sin. Of course, not all mixed marriages will be like that, but there’s a lot less risk if Catholics marry Catholics.

ah–ok…my bad then. I didn’t fully get what you were saying… No need to bang your head!