Would you do this for your husband?

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thiscantbe

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New here – would like some advice.

My sister is recently divorced and she is about to get engaged to a man who lives several hours from her child. As a family, we have tried to convince her that she’s not thinking clearly.

She is considering moving 3 hours from her elementary school age child – and resorting to every other weekend…so she can be with her new fiancé.

She has tried to convince the child’s father to relocate near her…but he will not. I have advised her to avoid moving – but she just won’t listen.

What advice do you have? Should I keep out of it?

Am I wrong – is this common?
 
The separation from her child may be part of the goal, not a flaw but a feature of her plans. Particularly if the ex is willing to provide her access to the child on her terms.

Not much you can do, stay out of it other than to advise your sister (and her ex) to see a therapist. For her- to make her face this is an intentional choice and why she’s doing it under these conditions, for the father to assist him in helping the child get through this. Her actions are making a big statement to the child that she doesn’t want a home with them. The child will judge the situation not based on people’s words, but on their actions.

On the plus side, statistically the child is better off being raised by a single Dad than by a single Mom. (Different theories about why- Dads tend to remain single, if they do date, women who date single Dads are less of a threat to children than men who date/marry single Moms).

ETA: It’s not uncommon. Although usually the mother insists on having custody initially, but then starts finding reasons for the father to have the child more and more. Custody tends to gradually (over months) shift to the father.
 
Essentially, she is giving up custody to the father… And live far away.

That’s common?
 
The other problem is her new fiancé is encouraging her not to work - or at least to avoid making much money – so the ex husband doesn’t get very much child support.

I think that’s terribly selfish – and it will hurt the child… imo.
 
It sounds like this child and his/her father are going to be much better off.

Your sister sounds very adolescent and a the previous poster said, this all may very well be her goal. Now she is free of the pesky responsibilities of motherhood.

Try to be a stable source of support for your niece or nephew. This won’t be easy for them.
 
What any of you – move 3 hours from your kids ?

I have heard of men moving out of state etc. However, I am surprised my sister did this…I must admit.
 
My best friend is stuck in a state with very little potential for economic growth because her ex also lives there and their daughter is 8. My friend would LOVE to move but there is no way in hell she’ll leave her kid. And her kid is attached to her father (for what a ****** husband and human he is, he does spend a lot of quality time with his kids, helps when you don’t have a job though!) and my friend doesn’t want to separate that for the most part (there are some days though…)

I’d say what your sister is doing is pretty unusual and very sad. And if she doesn’t work so less child support, is it possible in your state to take the new husbands salary in to account?

For what you can do, if you’ve already told your sister it’s a bad idea, then you gotta make her own (bad) choice and accept consequences. I would however offer the ex any help you could on taking care of your niece/nephew. It’s tough being a single parent, even if you’re just able to help with school pick up from time to time.
 
I’d say that it’s not common, but I don’t see what you can do about it other than maintaining a relationship with the niece/nephew (not sure if the child is a boy or a girl). It’s a sad situation for everyone.
 
thiscantbe said:
The other problem is her new fiancé is encouraging her not to work - or at least to avoid making much money – so the ex husband doesn’t get very much child support.

I think that’s terribly selfish – and it will hurt the child… imo.
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Jings that fiance sounds like a charm. Not. She is definitely going against a normal mothers nature for the sake of this … prince. Sounds like she is infatuated and probably addicted to him and that won’t end well in the long term. It might have to be a case of you being there when her world crashes and burns but probably nothing much will change her path right now.

Out of curiousity, did she experience the death, accident or serious illness of someone in the last 12 months or so. Or perhaps experience an accident or dangerous situation herself? Many times a trauma can trigger a crisis in a persons life that causes behaviour akin to a mental illness.
 
Is she moving out of state? If not, why can’t junior move with her? People move after being divorced. I don’t know how their visitation is, in my home state it is typically every other weekend. They can meet halfway, lots of people do. 🤷

If she doesn’t want the kid, junior is better off with the parent who wants them.
 
thiscantbe said:
New here – would like some advice.

My sister is recently divorced and she is about to get engaged to a man who lives several hours from her child. As a family, we have tried to convince her that she’s not thinking clearly.

She is considering moving 3 hours from her elementary school age child – and resorting to every other weekend…so she can be with her new fiancé.

She has tried to convince the child’s father to relocate near her…but he will not. I have advised her to avoid moving – but she just won’t listen.

What advice do you have? Should I keep out of it?

Am I wrong – is this common?
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I don’t think since she is an adult (while acting like a child) that there is anything you can do. From what you said, you have already tried to talk to her about her responsibility to her child. I would wager from what you have told us that the new guy isn’t too interested in having the child around and she is so needy for a new man that she has capitulated to this. I probably would back off from her and let her ex-handle the young child and still try to be auntie to her child and keep a positive relationship with the dad if at all possible. It sounds like not such a good thing but if the dad is involved and has custody, I would focus on maintaining your relationship with him and the child. She sounds like she is thinking only of herself, her hormons and this new dude. I would wager again that this is come to haunt her later when the child is older and is angry with her at the abandonment.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Is she moving out of state? If not, why can’t junior move with her? People move after being divorced. I don’t know how their visitation is, in my home state it is typically every other weekend. They can meet halfway, lots of people do. 🤷

If she doesn’t want the kid, junior is better off with the parent who wants them.
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I would bet the new boyfriend isn’t to interested in having the child around taking up her time and attention.
 
This man has told my sister that he will not support having an apartment or time share in her child’s home town - because he worries that she’s be constantly running there – without him. Plus, the kid is in sports in his hometown and the fiancé is not supportive of traveling there on weekends to see the kid in sports – he wants the kid to fly to them – every other weekend.

He was very supportive of having the child live WITH them - but the ex husband wouldn’t allow that because he didn’t want to relocate. He is not a fan of the new fiancé.
 
thiscantbe said:
This man has told my sister that he will not support having an apartment or time share in her child’s home town - because he worries that she’s be constantly running there – without him. Plus, the kid is in sports in his hometown and the fiancé is not supportive of traveling there on weekends to see the kid in sports – he wants the kid to fly to them – every other weekend.

He was very supportive of having the child live WITH them - but the ex husband wouldn’t allow that because he didn’t want to relocate. He is not a fan of the new fiancé.
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Flying children back and forth is a bit much and kinda shows selfishness on his part. Not wanting the time share is the same. From what you said here, it sounds like he wants the child only on his terms and under his control. The ex-husband shouldn’t have to relocate because of the new guy here. I don’t blame him if he is not a fan of this new dude.
 
Your sister wants a new life, with a husband included. The prospective new husband’s ideas about having the child live with them and not having an extra apartment in the Dad / child’s city sound OK; not letting the wife work sounds a bit weird, but maybe he wants her concentrating on the housework, meal prep and yard upkeep. That’s reasonable, if that’s their mutual choice, but nix on the decline in child support. Dad should fight that.

Don’t talk down about her and her choices to her child…just be upbeat. The child will do well with Dad, as long as Dad doesn’t constantly complain or grumble about Mom to the child.

Everyone just needs to put on a happy face and live.
 
If your sister is Catholic then custody is not her biggest concern… Mortal Sin should be.

No annulment, no marriage or dating for that matter…

Child should not suffer due to their mother’s need to find someone to love her. This is his BEST behavior… things will get worse. If they have a child then it really will get bad. I have to give him credit. He is being brutally honest and forthright with his opinion. Your sister should not be given any sympathy if he does exactly what he is saying he will do if they marry… She knew what she was getting and chose him anyway.

I would keep close to the Father and give him any support he needs. That will keep the family on your side involved in the kids life, which would be for the best.
 
this is just an all-around bad situation

new guy sounds a bit possessive though, based on the description. but I could be wrong

can’t blame the ex for not being happy though, he shouldn’t have to relocate because some other man won’t compromise

I don’t know if the eivorce is because of the new guy, not relay any of our business though but that could add another dimension to the complexity

anyways just like everyone else said, support the dad and the child and your sister as much as you can, you don’t have to agree with her decisions but she may need your help later on down the road
 
The ex husband says the relationship began within weeks of her filing divorce. Plus, the fiancé is very aggressive and threatening toward the ex husband.

The fiancé seems to be very jealous and has a temper. When the ex wife and fiancé fight and she doesn’t answer the phone – he does some hi tech gimic and poses (on caller id) as the ex husband’s phone number or random phone numbers to trick her and get her on the phone…

And he doesn’t want my sister to step foot in her child/ex’s house – ever – even though she doesn’t have an apartment or anything to take the kid to …when she’s visiting.
 
thiscantbe said:
What advice do you have? Should I keep out of it?

Am I wrong – is this common?
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First, I would pray for all involved. Second, I would tell my sister exactly how I felt about the situation. It’s bad enough that she is divorced. Now, she’s going to move hours away from her child. The child will grow up knowing that mommy chose to leave her. I would tell my sister that her daughter needs a mother who is willing to love her. I’d tell her that she’s already broken one vow–that she would stay married for life. She mustn’t follow that up with wrecking her relationship with her child. So, no, I don’t think that you should keep out of it.

Maybe this situation is common, but it is nevertheless unnatural.

I just read your new post about the bizarre, aggressive behavior of the new guy. He sounds dangerous, possessive, controlling, and he plays mind games. Classic wife beater (or worse).
 
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