Would you do this for your husband?

[angell1]

The ex husband says the relationship began within weeks of her filing divorce. Plus, the fiancé is very aggressive and threatening toward the ex husband.

The fiancé seems to be very jealous and has a temper. When the ex wife and fiancé fight and she doesn’t answer the phone – he does some hi tech gimic and poses (on caller id) as the ex husband’s phone number or random phone numbers to trick her and get her on the phone…

And he doesn’t want my sister to step foot in her child/ex’s house – ever – even though she doesn’t have an apartment or anything to take the kid to …when she’s visiting.

yeah, that’s definitely possessive alright.

maybe this relationship has been going on for a while, it is possible

I see bigger problems in her future than just custody of her child and visitation rights though.

aggressive and abusive towards ex can easily become aggression and abuse towards your sister, if a person has that kind of temperament

I sincerely hope not but I don’t think it can be ruled out as a distinct possibility

 

[robwar]

The ex husband says the relationship began within weeks of her filing divorce. Plus, the fiancé is very aggressive and threatening toward the ex husband.

The fiancé seems to be very jealous and has a temper. When the ex wife and fiancé fight and she doesn’t answer the phone – he does some hi tech gimic and poses (on caller id) as the ex husband’s phone number or random phone numbers to trick her and get her on the phone…

And he doesn’t want my sister to step foot in her child/ex’s house – ever – even though she doesn’t have an apartment or anything to take the kid to …when she’s visiting.

He has a temper!!! There are HUGH red flags here. Yours sister is a nut and this isn’t going to end well.

 

[CradleJourney]

The fiancé seems to be very jealous and has a temper. When the ex wife and fiancé fight and she doesn’t answer the phone – he does some hi tech gimic and poses (on caller id) as the ex husband’s phone number or random phone numbers to trick her and get her on the phone…

And he doesn’t want my sister to step foot in her child/ex’s house – ever – even though she doesn’t have an apartment or anything to take the kid to …when she’s visiting.

Even before I read this, I had warning signals going off in my brain. I really, really hope I’m wrong, but this guy definitely seems to have some warning signs of being an abuser. He’s getting her to move away from her family and friends, isolating her from her child unless he can have the child under his control as well, restricting her resources (income), and now you mention his temper. Makes me very worried.

Unfortunately, I’m sure there is nothing you can do at this point that will make her take off her rose colored glasses and see the situation for what it is. All I can suggest is keeping communication with her as open as possible.

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

Yeah, this is worrisome. At first, I was willing to give the new guy the benefit of a doubt and presume that he couldn’t move for whatever reason (can’t find a job in the woman’s city, has a house he can’t unload, has to care for elderly parents who have nobody else), and that maybe the child didn’t want to move away from the place he grew up in, and dad was willing to put up a fight to keep the kid from having to move (which it does sound like is a possibility.)

I could see not getting a ‘part time’ apartment, because that could rack up bills they might not be able to afford. And I could honestly understand why he might not be comfortable with his wife-to-be staying at her ex-husband’s place.

Long-distant parent doesn’t necessarily mean ‘uninvolved’. I have friends, divorced from each other, who should honestly be the models of how divorced parents should function. During the recession, the dad’s job relocated all the way across the country. He figured his choices were 1.) Go, and continue to earn money to support his child, or 2.) Stay, and risk having no job (again, the worst part of the recession) to support his child. He and his ex-wife talked it over, and it was agreed he should go. He did, but he did a fantastic job of keeping the connection with his kid going. His ex-wife said he called 30 minutes before the kid’s bedtime every night without fail to talk to him about his day. The kid went out every summer and certain holidays. The dad came back to this state for the kid’s birthday every year–he only missed one due to a snowstorm shutting down the airport where he lived. The ex-wife said she wasn’t sure who was more disappointed–her son, or her ex-husband. (She has always been firm in stating that while maybe he hadn’t been the best husband, she would defend his parenting to anybody who came along.) Recently, he was offered the chance to come back to this state–less money, but he could be near his son again. He jumped on it, and moved back four weeks ago. It may not be ideal, but it can be done, if the parents are willing to put in the work for their kid/s.

But the new guy sounds…off. It does sound like he’s practicing separation of the woman from everybody else. I’d be very worried, and it may be a good thing the child won’t be in that household.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ask her to read “Beautiful Boy” by David Sheff, written about his son Nic’s drug addiction. ((David Sheff and Nic’s mother divorced when Nic was 4; she moved to Los Angeles, and Nic grew up with his father in Northern California.). Your sister might re-think her plan. As Sheff put it, “Parents can only be as happy as their unhappiest child.” Children from divorced families are already at triple the risk for drug addiction, not to mention other problems such as arrests and teen pregnancy. Even moving too far away to be a constant presence during the tween and teen years, when they need you at sporting events and concerts and all their public events and private pains, is a very bad idea. Moving so far away that you can’t be flexible about when they visit you, forcing them to miss out on their childhood milestones with their friends, teammates, and classmates in order to suit your schedule is a very bad idea, too. Parents sometimes divorce, but when it is physically possible they have to find a way to keep parenting. The long distance thing does not cut it. It is bad enough when it can’t be helped. When it can be helped? Kids know, and they take it personally.

 

[PaulinVA]

The ex husband says the relationship began within weeks of her filing divorce. Plus, the fiancé is very aggressive and threatening toward the ex husband.

The fiancé seems to be very jealous and has a temper. When the ex wife and fiancé fight and she doesn’t answer the phone – he does some hi tech gimic and poses (on caller id) as the ex husband’s phone number or random phone numbers to trick her and get her on the phone…

And he doesn’t want my sister to step foot in her child/ex’s house – ever – even though she doesn’t have an apartment or anything to take the kid to …when she’s visiting.

THIS is the problem, not whether the child lives here or there or whatever.

The fiance is a jealous, controlling, conniving idiot. She should be breaking it off with him, not discussing custody or visitation details.

 

[thiscantbe]

It does sound through my sister that the fiancé is controlling. Before she agreed to quit her very successful career…to move with him… She had to commute 6 hours round trip daily because he didn’t want her to sleep anywhere else. She did this for nearly a month because he told her he couldn’t continue the engagement unless he could see proof that She was really willing to move.

 

[robwar]

It does sound through my sister that the fiancé is controlling. Before she agreed to quit her very successful career…to move with him… She had to commute 6 hours round trip daily because he didn’t want her to sleep anywhere else. She did this for nearly a month because he told her he couldn’t continue the engagement unless he could see proof that She was really willing to move.

The more details you give, the worst this situation sounds. She quit her job to live with him? She can’t be by her child? She is living with him without marriage. This really is not a healthy situation and she is making poor choices. She shouldn’t be communting 6 hours to begin with in order to sleep with him. She shouldn’t be abandoning her child for him. This is not good. I’m not sure what you can do except encourage your ex-brother-in-law not to ever have the child alone with this guy.

 

[styrgwillidar]

… she is making poor choices.

From our perspective. But if the sister is even slightly intelligent

She is making excellent choices to achieve her goals. The results are predictable, in fact, all of us reading can predict what the outcomes will be in terms of her relationship with her child. Think of it as the desired result vice an unintended consequence, she is making the correct choices to achieve it. Again, if she isn’t an idiot she understand these are the results of her choices.

Alienation from her child, reduction in income, dependency on another for support, unemployment vice a good job, a huge reduction in responsibilities/obligations that she’s fulfilling.

Why is this what she wants to achieve? Why is this preferable? This is why she needs to see a therapist, to understand herself and her motivations. You can’t point out the consequences of her choices as negatives, she already knows what the consequences are and they aren’t negatives to her.

BTW is the child a girl or a boy, I seem to have missed that in the above?

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
I’m not sure what you can do except encourage your ex-brother-in-law not to ever have the child alone with this guy.

I would recommend a background check on the guy as well, statistically, the biggest threat to a child is the Mom’s new BF/husband.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would recommend a background check on the guy as well, statistically, the biggest threat to a child is the Mom’s new BF/husband.

This is not a bad idea. Most people feel it is somehow insulting to do a criminal background check on a romantic interest. Well, too bad. The bad ones count on that, and this guy shows enough signs of being a bad one that I would spend the $$$ to see if he has a record.

Of course, a man who would keep you from your children or make it difficult for you to parent them with their father needs to be ditched out of hand. Talk about the Evil Step Dad. Lose him.

 

[styrgwillidar]

This is not a bad idea. Most people feel it is somehow insulting to do a criminal background check on a romantic interest. Well, too bad. The bad ones count on that, and this guy shows enough signs of being a bad one that I would spend the $$$ to see if he has a record.

Of course, a man who would keep you from your children or make it difficult for you to parent them with their father needs to be ditched out of hand. Talk about the Evil Step Dad. Lose him.

Well, I was thinking more from the perspective of the kid’s father. Would be helpful for him to find out what he can about someone who may be around his child. If I had found out something serious about my LXSNW’s boyfriend/roommate I would not have hesitated to cite it in limiting access only at my home. Or to file a restraining order if required to ensure he did not have access. In my case it wasn’t necessary as I found nothing, and it seemed the goal was in fact to drive the kids out and only mom visit with them in my kids home with me.

 

[marymary1975]

Does your sister has physical custody of the child? Are the three hours away within the same State? So if i am understanding correctly you sister’s fiancee is asking to renounce to the physical custody of the child, pass it to the father and have the child fly to her every weekend? Your sister is getting into a huge trouble and that is not going to end up good for her. Please have her talk to a lawyer regarding this. Hopefully if she speaks to a lawyer she will be able to realize the huge problem that she is getting into.

 

[PaulinVA]

You know, if the finance was the present husband, and he acted as described, we would all vote that the OP’s sister should leave him immediately.

He’s a “run away from” not a 'run to".

 

[thiscantbe]

She’s super impressed with this guy. She just can’t seem to break free from him…even though I know she told my Mom that she was worried about how he loses his temper etc.

She thinks she’s in love with him. The guy is very succesfful and devotes all of his attention to her.

But, he’s been married before and I think my sister felt his last marriage was very strained. When his last wife wasn’t home on the weekends - he would go out drinking and partying. While my sister says he didn’t have an affair - he did not seem too invested.

My question is…why would this time be any different? Once the newness wears off.

He’s already bought an engagement ring and she wants to marry him - I guess. No one in my family will support this.

 

[robwar]

I would recommend a background check on the guy as well, statistically, the biggest threat to a child is the Mom’s new BF/husband.

Yes! and if there is something, the father could probably take that to court to block this guy from being with his son ever.

 

[robwar]

You know, if the finance was the present husband, and he acted as described, we would all vote that the OP’s sister should leave him immediately.

He’s a “run away from” not a 'run to".

They are not married yet. She is living with him.

 

[MJJean]

Let me guess…

He’s hired a PI to follow her.
He’s called restaurants and doctors and lawyers to make sure she is where she says she is.
He’s demanded she leave her GPS on so he can monitor her.
He won’t allow her to go to her ex-husbands house or see her son without him.
He accuses her of lying and cheating on him with her ex.
He’s a surgeon who only works a few hours a week and makes mad cash with no other patient responsibilities which leaves him all the time in the world to stalk and obsess over her.

She works in broadcast as an anchor and makes $200k a year yet has been staying with her gay friend and is broke because she is remarkably incapable of handling her money or anything else in her life.
She’s up to her eyeballs in debt and has had bankruptcy hearings where she was denied due to her income.
She is recently divorced from an amazingly irresponsible man and she’s recently had to pay for his car battery.
To get her divorce she had to lie and pretend it was to protect her ex from her bankruptcy. She then came out with the truth after the divorce was final.

Come on, we’ve heard this same tripe multiple times on this forum under various handles and on the LS forums under various handles with only a few changes in detail.

Apparently, this troll is going to keep coming back because we feed him/her.

 

[PaulinVA]

They are not married yet. She is living with him.

You misunderstood my comment. The finance is someone to leave, not someone to marry.

 

[Irishmom2]

Let me guess…

He’s hired a PI to follow her.
He’s called restaurants and doctors and lawyers to make sure she is where she says she is.
He’s demanded she leave her GPS on so he can monitor her.
He won’t allow her to go to her ex-husbands house or see her son without him.
He accuses her of lying and cheating on him with her ex.
He’s a surgeon who only works a few hours a week and makes mad cash with no other patient responsibilities which leaves him all the time in the world to stalk and obsess over her.

She works in broadcast as an anchor and makes $200k a year yet has been staying with her gay friend and is broke because she is remarkably incapable of handling her money or anything else in her life.
She’s up to her eyeballs in debt and has had bankruptcy hearings where she was denied due to her income.
She is recently divorced from an amazingly irresponsible man and she’s recently had to pay for his car battery.
To get her divorce she had to lie and pretend it was to protect her ex from her bankruptcy. She then came out with the truth after the divorce was final.

Come on, we’ve heard this same tripe multiple times on this forum under various handles and on the LS forums under various handles with only a few changes in detail.

Apparently, this troll is going to keep coming back because we feed him/her.

Yes, I was thinking the same thing…especially the way little tidbits come out every once in a while. Sounds very much like a thread I wasted a lot if time answering recently.