Perian, you’ve worded this in a way that seems detached from your feelings. When you are in an intimate situation with your husband are you suppressing feelings of hurt? anger? disgust? You used the word ‘unfaithfulness’ and that is the way that Jesus described this behaviour…My husband is seeking help but it’s an uphill battle. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel like his unfaithfulness in his heart should make me think twice about seeking his affection, but denying us both of that bond doesn’t help anything. What do you do or what would you do?
Yeah. That’s a good idea really. People tend to grow to fit their expected shoe-size. I mean a guy who thinks he’s respected is going to act way different than a guy who knows he’s not.Stay mindful against the temptation of pride. Is there something you struggle with that he can support you with so that you two can be leaning on each other? It is difficult for a man to lean on his woman in one area without abdicating responsibilities in other areas also. By sharing one of your struggles with him, you can remind him of his strengths in other areas; even if he cannot directly leverage those strengths to his own struggle, it will be easier for him to remember he has strengths - this will be a defense from despair.
I read a couple of days ago that porn directly attacks a man’s need for respect from his wife. Porn and masturbation cause a man to begin to hate himself and to know that he is losing his wife’s respect. And that the lack of respect for himself causes him to be drawn into even more sinful behavior. I thought that was very insightful.Stay mindful against the temptation of pride. Is there something you struggle with that he can support you with so that you two can be leaning on each other? It is difficult for a man to lean on his woman in one area without abdicating responsibilities in other areas also. By sharing one of your struggles with him, you can remind him of his strengths in other areas; even if he cannot directly leverage those strengths to his own struggle, it will be easier for him to remember he has strengths - this will be a defense from despair.
It must be nice not to have any addictions of your own. Because it sure would be weird for you to expect tolerance, respect, and assistance in that and yet hold the bar pretty high on a really common problem men have. I mean just try living with testosterone for a while and see how long you hold out. No one wants to do bad stuff. But with a high bar now you have the problem of no one wants to do bad stuff and admit it to you.Speaking from personal experience, no. I married my husband with the expectation of being treated as a spouse, not an object of self-gratification. I would far rather abstain until my husband had concretely, and over a long period of time, proven trustworthy. If there is potential for the creation of a new life, I need to KNOW that my husband has my best interests (and those of prospective children) at heart. Infidelity is in no one’s best interest, and the husband needs to assume the responsibilities of a husband before enjoying the benefits.
The thing that I’ve heard that I like best is that a wife is the real thing and the porn is the counterfeit. So in order for a guy to not prefer the counterfeit (or maybe it’s better to just say, want to supplement the real with the counterfeit) he needs to feel the difference between the two. I mean will a guy drink flat soda when there’s a new bottle nearby? I don’t know. I don’t have a good example for you. I can’t even pretend that I did things right in my life. So really all I can do is imagine. And I mean I want to be fair because a wife should support a husband, but not enable him. And a husband should support his wife in the same way.I read a couple of days ago that porn directly attacks a man’s need for respect from his wife. Porn and masturbation cause a man to begin to hate himself and to know that he is losing his wife’s respect. And that the lack of respect for himself causes him to be drawn into even more sinful behavior. I thought that was very insightful.
The only problem is, how does a wife bolster her husband against that?
Trident, have you tried counselling for addiction with an earnest desire to heal? Addictions aren’t overcome by expecting another person to heal the wounds. Addicts rely heavily on their sense of being a victim of something (like testosterone) and try and force others to be their constant savior. Experts in the field are able to clearly see when an addict turns a corner when they stop deferring to victimhood and really begin to empathise with those they are hurting. That is when their healing truly starts. A Catholic couple practicing NFP by necessity have to develop a predictable routine in their sexlife and practice holy abstinence as part of their sex life. Pope StJPII lauded the abstinence of NFP as a positive attribute in the growth of marital love and unity.The thing that I’ve heard that I like best is that a wife is the real thing and the porn is the counterfeit. So in order for a guy to not prefer the counterfeit (or maybe it’s better to just say, want to supplement the real with the counterfeit) he needs to feel the difference between the two. I mean will a guy drink flat soda when there’s a new bottle nearby? I don’t know. I don’t have a good example for you. I can’t even pretend that I did things right in my life. So really all I can do is imagine. And I mean I want to be fair because a wife should support a husband, but not enable him. And a husband should support his wife in the same way.
Because I mean it’s easy to imagine a selfish husband taking advantage of a supporting wife. And then the wife can’t really support him without having hurt feelings. So really it’s all about mutual respect in the end. But there needs to be an effort on both parts. I think that’s the key. I mean as long as you know your husband is trying to be good (or, if you’re lucky, actually is good) you need to be as ready to appreciate that by not putting him off too often too long. I mean we’re not talking about making things too accessible. Just reasonable. I mean once a month is not enough for most guys. So that can be a place to start. I don’t know. And I mean even initiating things once in a while is a good idea. I mean porn is kind of a passive thing. They’re just pictures. They never initiate. So you have that advantage over that hands down. Nothing makes a guy feel better than being wanted physically. Like in the way he wants his wife. So it could make the supplement look kind of dull in comparison.
And I mean some guys go for porn because they don’t want to bother their wife all the time. I mean some guys know their wife will only take so much pestering. So if it’s a routine like once every three Fridays it might be a good idea to make things more random. Keep him guessing. So he won’t be able to figure out where the dry spells are going to be. So he won’t get into a routine.
And of course if he messes up don’t look down your nose at him. Just because you don’t have that problem doesn’t mean you’re any better in a different way. You’ve got to meet him where he’s at. But if he’s not trying then I don’t really know what to say. That’s not a place I’m really good at. I’m not really good at giving that kind of advice. Maybe you’d have to just accidentally put really strong magnets by his computer. Or something. I don’t know. But that’s not the question you were asking so I should leave it there.
Peace Zelie.
-Trident