Would you maintain sexual intimacy with a spouse addicted to porn?

[bmaj]

My husband is seeking help but it’s an uphill battle. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel like his unfaithfulness in his heart should make me think twice about seeking his affection, but denying us both of that bond doesn’t help anything. What do you do or what would you do?

There’s a lot of good info for you to digest in the above responses, Perian. The good news is that he’s seeking help. Many won’t. There also is a support group here at CAF titled “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” that deals specifically with what you and so many other wives are going through as a result of their husband’s porn habit. It has helped me in my marriage and might be beneficial to you or any other wives reading this. The porn issue is horribly prevalent throughout society and can be extremely destructive in a marriage, unfortunately. Satan is surely delighted by all of this. May Our Lady of Sorrows be with you always and help intercede for you and your husband. God’s blessings to you.

 

[pensmama87]

If it were me I would continue to be intimate with my wife. I wouldn’t deny her sex as a way to punish her or exert some control over the situation. I’m sure that porn use would lead to enough feelings of shame without adding fuel to the fire by denying intimacy at a time when she would need it the most.

My thinking I would probably refuse actually has nothing to do with this.

It’s just that sexual intimacy requires an incredibly high level of trust and willingness to be vulnerable. It would take a lot for that trust to be rebuilt. It’s not a matter of me setting conditions or making anybody jump through hoops. I just literally could not do it.

I couldn’t maintain sexual intimacy with my spouse if he were having an affair either, for much the same reason. Sure, there are the additional reasons of physical safety. But I think I would respond emotionally in pretty much the same way. I wouldn’t be able to be physically intimate until I had that reassurance and trust that the affair was over and he was done with the behaviors that had led up to the behavior (some people have mentioned other addictions on this thread and that kicking the habit isn’t enough - the other behaviors and modes of thinking have to go, too. Ever been around a dry drunk?)

That doesn’t mean I’d shut him out entirely or walk out on our marriage. I would be more than happy to do couples counseling and maintain intimacy in other ways if I was getting the signals from him that he was attempting reform. Other spouses might feel differently or have found that they reacted differently when the situation actually happened to them.

The thing that the errant spouse has to realize - regardless of whatever other sins his or her spouse has committed - is that they have introduced a foreign element into the marriage and that there are consequences (natural, not as deliberate punishment.) It’s a betrayal. People are going to have very different reactions to being betrayed.

 

[Sugabee43]

Obviously, porn isn’t something men will generally be vocal about, except in a setting where they feel safe with it (like, possibly with another college-age male).

Issues of sexual ethics don’t exist in a vacuum though. They’re all connected. If you’re one of the 55% of women that voted for a pro-choice, anti-Christ candidate, you’re naturally going to look for a man that conforms (as much as possible) to your self-centered worldview, which means you’re going to be a sexually heterodox female that “marries” a sexually heterodox male, and if you marry a sexually heterodox male, even if you’re not explicitly asking for unfaithfulness, you’re nonetheless making yourself a candidate for it. If you’re going to endorse a degenerate view of the human body, that is going to carry over into what kind of husband (or in this case: human accessory item) you’re looking for. This thread is still focusing on addicts but there’s no reason that it should be. Anybody that consumes pornography in any casual degree is being unfaithful.

I strongly believe in Alexis de Tocqueville’s quote, “A people get the government that they deserve”, and I think this applies just as much to marriage. Or you can go with “Birds of the same feather flock together”. Whichever works.

In my own personal experience, I completely disagree with your assessment. My husband and I practiced chastity while we dated. We didn’t live together and were very devout. We struggled during courtship with his chronic depression, and seemed to resolve it (as much as depression can be “resolved”). After the wedding, we practiced NFP regularly, so no artificial contraception there. It was not until a few years after that I discovered his addiction to masturbation. He’d had it long before we met, but kept it secret. He struggles to this day; I don’t even know if I could call it struggling because he’s bought a premium channel on cable. So I guess in your way of thinking, I’m one of the exceptions to the rule. I was under the impression that I had found an orthodox Catholic male, and didn’t get that. So now what do I do? I’m being continually cheated on. Does he feel badly? Probably, because he KNOWS he’s cheating on me, but I guess not badly enough to stop. I spent 15 years remaining available to him in any way I could (praying to feel desire; to remember it’s my marital duty, etc), despite feeling used and cheated on and “less than”; but at some point he figured out that I was dying inside and he didn’t want to force himself on me. So, now we are roommates. Is this what I imagined? HELL NO.

 

[Sugabee43]

And, TK, I just saw your last post. Thank you for ‘backpedaling’ a bit. Not all of us are as saintly as Sts. Monica and Rita - although I ask for their prayers and examples frequently!

 

[Kelfa28]

This is an interesting thread.

The reason being is because I’m not exactly sure what constitutes as an “addiction” to porn. Is any consumption addictive?

I hope not because I know my husband has viewed porn on occasion during our marriage.

We weren’t Catholics when we first started dating and when we got engaged and didn’t consider that any consumption was wrong and harmful.

I didn’t really care at the time but I do now. I also understand how hard it is to stop completely, especially when the temptation is too great.

I don’t say anything to my husband about it and I know he has been watching some here and there lately. Work for him has been challenging and he works overnights…so he stays up overnights and is home by himself during the day and awake most of the night on his days off while the rest of the family sleeps.
He’s only human and I know he misses me and I’m sure the temptation becomes way too great to ward off.

It’s really hard seeing that we absolutely cannot risk another pregnancy and we are abstaining until further notice. That could be a while…I don’t know.

It’s easy for me to not want intimacy because my desire for it is dead. I’m nursing, tired and terrified about getting pregnant again.

But I know he wants it, he just doesn’t say anything.

I don’t care what he does or what happens but I won’t be intimate with him because I can’t and won’t get pregnant and I will turn him down if he asks. He won’t ask because he knows we can’t get pregnant again.

My circumstances aren’t exactly usual. To be honest…I’m not entirely sure what I’d do if he was addicted to porn and we could be intimate.
Maybe it’s hard for me to picture because when we have green light days he wants me and only me.
It’s tough for me to picture a husband turning down his wife because he’d rather watch porn. To me…that is addiction.
If I was in that situation…then yes, I’d stop intimacy with him.

But a husband who is weak at times and falls into temptation and is transparent about it with his wife?
I wouldn’t deny him sex unless I had too. I would try to be a little more understanding. I’d be hurt but I would understand.

 

[Sugabee43]

This is an interesting thread.

The reason being is because I’m not exactly sure what constitutes as an “addiction” to porn. Is any consumption addictive?

I hope not because I know my husband has viewed porn on occasion during our marriage.

We weren’t Catholics when we first started dating and when we got engaged and didn’t consider that any consumption was wrong and harmful.

I didn’t really care at the time but I do now. I also understand how hard it is to stop completely, especially when the temptation is too great.

I don’t say anything to my husband about it and I know he has been watching some here and there lately. Work for him has been challenging and he works overnights…so he stays up overnights and is home by himself during the day and awake most of the night on his days off while the rest of the family sleeps.
He’s only human and I know he misses me and I’m sure the temptation becomes way too great to ward off.

It’s really hard seeing that we absolutely cannot risk another pregnancy and we are abstaining until further notice. That could be a while…I don’t know.

It’s easy for me to not want intimacy because my desire for it is dead. I’m nursing, tired and terrified about getting pregnant again.

But I know he wants it, he just doesn’t say anything.

I don’t care what he does or what happens but I won’t be intimate with him because I can’t and won’t get pregnant and I will turn him down if he asks. He won’t ask because he knows we can’t get pregnant again.

My circumstances aren’t exactly usual. To be honest…I’m not entirely sure what I’d do if he was addicted to porn and we could be intimate.
Maybe it’s hard for me to picture because when we have green light days he wants me and only me.
It’s tough for me to picture a husband turning down his wife because he’d rather watch porn. To me…that is addiction.
If I was in that situation…then yes, I’d stop intimacy with him.

But a husband who is weak at times and falls into temptation and is transparent about it with his wife?
I wouldn’t deny him sex unless I had too. I would try to be a little more understanding. I’d be hurt but I would understand.

That’s funny - your babies are EXACTLY the ages apart mine were - except all boys!!! So, I definitely know how tired you are- Bless you!! Mine are now teenagers, and I can say unequivocally that I look on those baby/toddler days with nostalgia. When they’re little, they’re physically exhausting; when they’re older, they’re mentally exhausting.
I heard last night on that A&E show, Intervention, that addiction is doing something harmful to yourself DESPITE the consequences. I don’t know if that applies only to addictions, but in my family’s case, this is accurate. He says he wants to quit but doesn’t. Quits for a few months but then relapses and then wonders why I’m not impressed. We are definitely on the road to divorce, but not by my hand. He’s the one who has said he wants to leave. He thinks he wasn’t in his right mind when we got married (he had stopped taking his anti-depressants a few months before we got married, and was in his words “suicidal and just wanted someone to take care of me”). So he truly believes that we never should have married and that he can get an annulment once we divorce. I really don’t know WHAT he was thinking when we married; only that he was off meds. I’ve never dealt with depression until him so I was completely unaware (and the doctors didn’t tell me) that it’s life-long - even with meds.

Anyway, if you cannot have children because it’s life-threatening, perhaps you can speak with a Catholic (and I mean TRULY orthodox) doctor AND priest to find out your options, if there are any, medically speaking.

 

[Kelfa28]

That’s funny - your babies are EXACTLY the ages apart mine were - except all boys!!! So, I definitely know how tired you are- Bless you!! Mine are now teenagers, and I can say unequivocally that I look on those baby/toddler days with nostalgia. When they’re little, they’re physically exhausting; when they’re older, they’re mentally exhausting.
I heard last night on that A&E show, Intervention, that addiction is doing something harmful to yourself DESPITE the consequences. I don’t know if that applies only to addictions, but in my family’s case, this is accurate. He says he wants to quit but doesn’t. Quits for a few months but then relapses and then wonders why I’m not impressed. We are definitely on the road to divorce, but not by my hand. He’s the one who has said he wants to leave. He thinks he wasn’t in his right mind when we got married (he had stopped taking his anti-depressants a few months before we got married, and was in his words “suicidal and just wanted someone to take care of me”. So he truly believes that we never should have married and that he can get an annulment once we divorce. I really don’t know WHAT he was thinking when we married; only that he was off meds. I’ve never dealt with depression until him so I was completely unaware (and the doctors didn’t tell me) that it’s life-long - even with meds.

Anyway, if you cannot have children because it’s life-threatening, perhaps you can speak with a Catholic (and I mean TRULY orthodox) doctor AND priest to find out your options, if there are any, medically speaking.

I’m so sorry about your situation. That must be very hard.

That was what I understood addiction to be as well. Partaking in an activity despite the known consequences.
I used to work as a medic and I encountered people with all kinds of different addictions every day I worked.

I have a hard time attributing any kind of porn usage (including usage that never occurs unless the temptation is too great and can’t be overcome at that particular time).

And no…it’s not life threatening. I don’t have a medical condition that says I can’t get pregnant.
This is just me saying I’m truly done having children and will not risk another.

We used NFP and it failed. I’ve recently shown my charts to several qualified people and no one can tell me what happened and why we got pregnant the last time.

I still have no idea how it happened. We charted, we abstained and we still got pregnant.

I do NOT trust STM anymore. We won’t use it anymore. I’d rather abstain then take the risk.

I’m also only 8 weeks PP and nursing and have already got my cycles back and I am ovulating.

So, no…no way am I risking another pregnancy ever again. I’m done having children and my mind is made up and will not change.

I’m willing to entertain the idea of Marquette but we cannot afford the monitor and the strips right now.

I’m not entirely sure what good speaking to an orthodox Priest would do.

I’ve looked everywhere in my area and there is NO orthodox Catholic doctors where I live.
Even then…I’m not entirely sure what speaking with one would do.

It won’t change my mind about having another baby and it also won’t change my mind about how I feel about NFP right now.
I’d still be taking a risk with a method that failed and that no one can seem to agree on why it failed.

 

[Sugabee43]

Oh, okay; I’m sorry- I thought you meant that medically you should not have children.

As far as to why NFP didn’t work for you - maybe you’re ovulating from both ovaries during your cycle, but at different times. My mother did this on a regular basis - my older sister was born 9 months and 10 days after her wedding, and she was on her period at the time! Plus, I’m a twin! I also believe I double ovulated at least once, because my second son was a twin, except the embryo died in utero and was dissolved into the placenta. I was partially sad and partially relieved at the time, God forgive me!! I do know we used it and were successful, both in avoiding and achieving pregnancy. I also have a very good friend who used NFP, and had her babies spaced every 2 years apart, alternating sexes, on purpose. She had 7, btw.

Remain open to finding a Catholic doctor and a good Catholic priest. There may be medical and/or spiritual options open that I certainly don’t know about, and at the very least, you will receive spiritual direction. We all can use some of that!

 

[Trident_H]

My thinking I would probably refuse actually has nothing to do with this.

It’s just that sexual intimacy requires an incredibly high level of trust and willingness to be vulnerable. It would take a lot for that trust to be rebuilt. It’s not a matter of me setting conditions or making anybody jump through hoops. I just literally could not do it.

I couldn’t maintain sexual intimacy with my spouse if he were having an affair either, for much the same reason. Sure, there are the additional reasons of physical safety. But I think I would respond emotionally in pretty much the same way. I wouldn’t be able to be physically intimate until I had that reassurance and trust that the affair was over and he was done with the behaviors that had led up to the behavior (some people have mentioned other addictions on this thread and that kicking the habit isn’t enough - the other behaviors and modes of thinking have to go, too. Ever been around a dry drunk?)

That doesn’t mean I’d shut him out entirely or walk out on our marriage. I would be more than happy to do couples counseling and maintain intimacy in other ways if I was getting the signals from him that he was attempting reform. Other spouses might feel differently or have found that they reacted differently when the situation actually happened to them.

The thing that the errant spouse has to realize - regardless of whatever other sins his or her spouse has committed - is that they have introduced a foreign element into the marriage and that there are consequences (natural, not as deliberate punishment.) It’s a betrayal. People are going to have very different reactions to being betrayed.

I’d never thought of it that way. Thanks for explaining that to those of us with too much guy in us to see that. It sort of makes me feel pretty bad. Even though that wasn’t what our problem was about. Well not directly.

Because I was going to say something about guys usually having a lot higher drive than women so it’s pretty hard to imagine how someone doesn’t get hurt with that. Of course I was going to give more thought to the guys’ position. But now I guess I won’t. Because guys don’t have the emotional investment like that. They have a more physical problem. So maybe in the end that’s easier to deal with. I don’t know. I mean life’s all about trying to do things that are hard. So who ever cheered on someone who didn’t ever try to do something hard? Especially in a place that really mattered? I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a guy. We seem pretty terrible as a group. Sort of. Well sometimes.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Trident_H]

In my own personal experience, I completely disagree with your assessment. My husband and I practiced chastity while we dated. We didn’t live together and were very devout. We struggled during courtship with his chronic depression, and seemed to resolve it (as much as depression can be “resolved”). After the wedding, we practiced NFP regularly, so no artificial contraception there. It was not until a few years after that I discovered his addiction to masturbation. He’d had it long before we met, but kept it secret. He struggles to this day; I don’t even know if I could call it struggling because he’s bought a premium channel on cable. So I guess in your way of thinking, I’m one of the exceptions to the rule. I was under the impression that I had found an orthodox Catholic male, and didn’t get that. So now what do I do? I’m being continually cheated on. Does he feel badly? Probably, because he KNOWS he’s cheating on me, but I guess not badly enough to stop. I spent 15 years remaining available to him in any way I could (praying to feel desire; to remember it’s my marital duty, etc), despite feeling used and cheated on and “less than”; but at some point he figured out that I was dying inside and he didn’t want to force himself on me. So, now we are roommates. Is this what I imagined? HELL NO.

I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I feel really bad for that. I wish there was a way to solve this thing. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there was a better way through this for you. I mean having no solution to offer I almost didn’t post anything. But I couldn’t not say anything. I just had to say how bad I felt. And how much I wish I could give some good advice. But I guess I can’t. Because I’d have to be giving your husband the advice. You’ve already done your fair share.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Sugabee43]

I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I feel really bad for that. I wish there was a way to solve this thing. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there was a better way through this for you. I mean having no solution to offer I almost didn’t post anything. But I couldn’t not say anything. I just had to say how bad I felt. And how much I wish I could give some good advice. But I guess I can’t. Because I’d have to be giving your husband the advice. You’ve already done your fair share.

Peace.

-Trident

Thanks, Trident; I appreciate your sentiment. And probably the best thing you can do is pray for our marriage, and my husband to recover. Peace to you!

 

[pensmama87]

I’d never thought of it that way. Thanks for explaining that to those of us with too much guy in us to see that. It sort of makes me feel pretty bad. Even though that wasn’t what our problem was about. Well not directly.

Because I was going to say something about guys usually having a lot higher drive than women so it’s pretty hard to imagine how someone doesn’t get hurt with that. Of course I was going to give more thought to the guys’ position. But now I guess I won’t. Because guys don’t have the emotional investment like that. They have a more physical problem. So maybe in the end that’s easier to deal with. I don’t know. I mean life’s all about trying to do things that are hard. So who ever cheered on someone who didn’t ever try to do something hard? Especially in a place that really mattered? I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a guy. We seem pretty terrible as a group. Sort of. Well sometimes.

Peace.

-Trident

One of the reasons I think pornography has the appeal that it does, to men or women, is that it requires very little from the user. Sexual intimacy in the context of a marriage is about sacrifice and vulnerability and openness - making a gift of yourself to the other person. Pornography is really all about the self (and other compulsive consumption or addiction is like this too.) It’s about me getting what I want without having to do anything for it. I disagree that it’s necessarily about simply having a high sex drive or having physical needs. I think perhaps those things might incline a person to be more likely to be tempted by it, but I think it’s a mistake to assume that’s the major reason behind it - and if that’s the only part that anyone attempts to treat, then I don’t think recovery is going to actually be successful in the long run, even if the person no longer uses pornography.

 

[Xantippe]

One of the reasons I think pornography has the appeal that it does, to men or women, is that it requires very little from the user. Sexual intimacy in the context of a marriage is about sacrifice and vulnerability and openness - making a gift of yourself to the other person. Pornography is really all about the self (and other compulsive consumption or addiction is like this too.) It’s about me getting what I want without having to do anything for it. I disagree that it’s necessarily about simply having a high sex drive or having physical needs. I think perhaps those things might incline a person to be more likely to be tempted by it, but I think it’s a mistake to assume that’s the major reason behind it - and if that’s the only part that anyone attempts to treat, then I don’t think recovery is going to actually be successful in the long run, even if the person no longer uses pornography.

Right.

 

[Sugabee43]

One of the reasons I think pornography has the appeal that it does, to men or women, is that it requires very little from the user. Sexual intimacy in the context of a marriage is about sacrifice and vulnerability and openness - making a gift of yourself to the other person. Pornography is really all about the self (and other compulsive consumption or addiction is like this too.) It’s about me getting what I want without having to do anything for it. I disagree that it’s necessarily about simply having a high sex drive or having physical needs. I think perhaps those things might incline a person to be more likely to be tempted by it, but I think it’s a mistake to assume that’s the major reason behind it - and if that’s the only part that anyone attempts to treat, then I don’t think recovery is going to actually be successful in the long run, even if the person no longer uses pornography.

Completely agree, Pensmama. My marriage experience mirrors this, and depression can be a very “selfish” disorder as well. So this fits my husband’s personality to a tee. His idea of intimacy is extremely skewed, having come from an extremely dysfunctional family (depression in mom; functioning alcoholic in dad). And of course, because of his addiction behavior, I get the gamut of attitudes from “I’m just the worst husband/father/person EVER” to “Oh, yeah; I’m sorry I can’t be PERFECT like your family”.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

My thinking I would probably refuse actually has nothing to do with this.

It’s just that sexual intimacy requires an incredibly high level of trust and willingness to be vulnerable. It would take a lot for that trust to be rebuilt. It’s not a matter of me setting conditions or making anybody jump through hoops. I just literally could not do it.

I couldn’t maintain sexual intimacy with my spouse if he were having an affair either, for much the same reason. Sure, there are the additional reasons of physical safety. But I think I would respond emotionally in pretty much the same way. I wouldn’t be able to be physically intimate until I had that reassurance and trust that the affair was over and he was done with the behaviors that had led up to the behavior (some people have mentioned other addictions on this thread and that kicking the habit isn’t enough - the other behaviors and modes of thinking have to go, too. Ever been around a dry drunk?)

That doesn’t mean I’d shut him out entirely or walk out on our marriage. I would be more than happy to do couples counseling and maintain intimacy in other ways if I was getting the signals from him that he was attempting reform. Other spouses might feel differently or have found that they reacted differently when the situation actually happened to them.

The thing that the errant spouse has to realize - regardless of whatever other sins his or her spouse has committed - is that they have introduced a foreign element into the marriage and that there are consequences (natural, not as deliberate punishment.) It’s a betrayal. People are going to have very different reactions to being betrayed.

Would you have a definite period of time that your husband is grounded from sex or would it be open ended based on how you feel? Can he come clean, serve his time, and then be accepted back into the bedroom again?

TBH, I wouldn’t feel the same level of betrayal you describe if my wife were to view porn. However, I would feel that level of betrayal if she went on a huge spending spree without discussing with me first. Assuming she’s truly contrite would it be appropriate for me to deny her sex (as if I’m even capable of doing such a thing ) until I was sure she paid for her crime? Even though I suppose the errant spouse deserves some sort of punishment I’m still not sure that denying sex is the appropriate course of action.

 

[pensmama87]

Would you have a definite period of time that your husband is grounded from sex or would it be open ended based on how you feel? Can he come clean, serve his time, and then be accepted back into the bedroom again?

TBH, I wouldn’t feel the same level of betrayal you describe if my wife were to view porn. However, I would feel that level of betrayal if she went on a huge spending spree without discussing with me first. Assuming she’s truly contrite would it be appropriate for me to deny her sex (as if I’m even capable of doing such a thing ) until I was sure she paid for her crime? Even though I suppose the errant spouse deserves some sort of punishment I’m still not sure that denying sex is the appropriate course of action.

I’m not sure you’re understanding what I’m saying. It’s not “grounding,” it’s not “serving a sentence.” That implies some timeline I would set.

If my husband repented, yes, I like to think that trust could be rebuilt and we could be intimate again. I have no idea how long that would take. I am not looking at it as a “denial” of sex. I’m looking at it as* I just could not do it*. I would be repulsed. It would probably take time even if I made the conscious choice to forgive right away. But forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting, and it would take time for me to trust him.

I hope I never have to go through that. I know so many couples do and my heart does ache for them.

 

[LongingSoul]

Would you have a definite period of time that your husband is grounded from sex or would it be open ended based on how you feel? Can he come clean, serve his time, and then be accepted back into the bedroom again?

TBH, I wouldn’t feel the same level of betrayal you describe if my wife were to view porn. However, I would feel that level of betrayal if she went on a huge spending spree without discussing with me first. Assuming she’s truly contrite would it be appropriate for me to deny her sex (as if I’m even capable of doing such a thing ) until I was sure she paid for her crime? Even though I suppose the errant spouse deserves some sort of punishment I’m still not sure that denying sex is the appropriate course of action.

pensmama specifically said not as a punishment in her last sentence. It is one of the hardest things to do to have sex with a spouse who you are turned off by. For the most part, in some part of the marriage women consent to sex from obligation and generosity, but when you are turned off by the spouse, it’s a very hard road. A porn addict is a real turn off to most women. It would be like for a man having to have sex with a woman who repulsed you.

Mostly women want sex with their spouse to reflect their high regard for each other. Many wives I’ve spoken to in my years of companioning work, feel like prostitutes in their sex life. It is really soul destroying for them.

 

[Sugabee43]

Would you have a definite period of time that your husband is grounded from sex or would it be open ended based on how you feel? Can he come clean, serve his time, and then be accepted back into the bedroom again?

TBH, I wouldn’t feel the same level of betrayal you describe if my wife were to view porn. However, I would feel that level of betrayal if she went on a huge spending spree without discussing with me first. Assuming she’s truly contrite would it be appropriate for me to deny her sex (as if I’m even capable of doing such a thing ) until I was sure she paid for her crime? Even though I suppose the errant spouse deserves some sort of punishment I’m still not sure that denying sex is the appropriate course of action.

If I’m reading this correctly, I’m flabbergasted that you would 1) equate overspending with a porn addiction, and 2) not realize that this type of sexual sin IS ADULTERY. He’s cheating on her. I don’t think any of us wives of sexually addicted husbands think of withholding sex as a specific “punishment”. It happens in the course of the addiction, as a consequence of the feelings of betrayal, distrust, and inadequacy rear their heads. If my husband were truly penitent and demonstrated sobriety for an adequate period of time to regain trust (and that is different for each spouse/relationship), then sexual and emotional intimacy could resume. But it’s not a “punishment”.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

If I’m reading this correctly, I’m flabbergasted that you would 1) equate overspending with a porn addiction, and 2) not realize that this type of sexual sin IS ADULTERY. He’s cheating on her. I don’t think any of us wives of sexually addicted husbands think of withholding sex as a specific “punishment”. It happens in the course of the addiction, as a consequence of the feelings of betrayal, distrust, and inadequacy rear their heads. If my husband were truly penitent and demonstrated sobriety for an adequate period of time to regain trust (and that is different for each spouse/relationship), then sexual and emotional intimacy could resume. But it’s not a “punishment”.

I said that I would feel more betrayed by overspending than by porn addiction. Not equating the two.

In the event of an affair I can understand separating from a spouse or deciding to stay together and forgive. What I would have a hard time understanding is deciding to stay together and then deny sex for an undefined period of time. That’s not what forgiveness looks like.

 

[LongingSoul]

I said that I would feel more betrayed by overspending than by porn addiction. Not equating the two.

In the event of an affair I can understand separating from a spouse or deciding to stay together and forgive. What I would have a hard time understanding is deciding to stay together and then deny sex for an undefined period of time. That’s not what forgiveness looks like.

You keep painting it as an act of punishment when we are clearly saying that it is about the loss of respect and the difficulty it is to be intimate with someone who you no longer respect. If the behaviour were to cease and the work to be done by the husband, the respect could be restored.