Would you pay for college for daughter who smokes pot?

[Contra_Mundum_1]

One thing that I’m puzzled about is that, my daughter told me that two mothers, who are conservative, one a practicing Catholic, and one a practicing Christian, knew about her pot usage. Their daughters are friends with mine, and don’t use pot. She said the Catholic Mom just shrugged it off. Why would they not tell me, we are FB friends, she has my number and my email.

I’m considering asking the Catholic one, I’m friendly with her, why she didn’t inform me of my daughter’s pot usage. I might send her an email about this. What do you think?

It is easy to shrug things off when it is not your kid that’s doing it.

I would ask the Catholic mom to let you know about such things in the future, as the previous poster suggested.

 

[Kal2012]

To piggyback on what a previous poster said,

I wish that my dad would have been able to “hoard” the SSI money, but he had to use it on things like food and rent. Your daughter needs to be reminded about how blessed she is to have a mom who was able to work and manage to save a significant amount of money for college.

(My mom died and my dad had a horrible accident on the job, so steady work or steady income wasn’t a trend in my household at certain points.)

Neither my husband or I had financial help from our parents when we attended college.

We are reminded of that every time we pay back our loans each month.

My husband and I disagree on helping our son when he’s in college. I’m okay with paying for some expenses, but not tuition. Husband feels that he had to work his way through college, so his son should be able to do the same thing.

I want to help our son w/some expenses, specifically because I didn’t get any help from my parents and college is even more expensive because of all the extras that come with living in a dorm. Husband and I were already married when he went to college and went at night, while working. That’s a totally different experience than living on campus in a dorm for 4 years.

Luckily, we still have over a decade to argue about it.

 

[JimG]

Doesn’t anybody go to community colleges anymore? If every student had to pay his or her own way, I think these institutions would become more in demand and the big universities would lower their prices.

 

[Aggie414]

Doesn’t anybody go to community colleges anymore? If every student had to pay his or her own way, I think these institutions would become more in demand and the big universities would lower their prices.

I totally concur. I went to a junior college. I have an associate’s degree and make a very good living.

I’m not saying that a four-year college degree is not valuable – it is. But it is the education that is important and a junior/community college can be a great stepping stone either to a great career or to a four-year university.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Read the “Prodigal Son” … I suspect the Father understood his son would biff it when he gave his portion of the inheritance. Yet, the father did so with love and hope for his son.

Will you trust God, yourself, & children with the same level as the father did in this parable Jesus gives us?

 

[HouseArrest]

Doesn’t anybody go to community colleges anymore? If every student had to pay his or her own way, I think these institutions would become more in demand and the big universities would lower their prices.

Actually a lot of students are making good use of community colleges. The new trend is to take a year or two there and then transfer and earn the degree from the 4 year college.

There is some risk in that, though. Transferring brings a few challenges with it. Getting to know professors and having 2 years of the easier courses to pad your GPA are lost, among other issues.

We don’t have a community college anywhere near us. To attend one would negate the cost effectiveness of living at home, so we need to find a different way.

 

[SamH]

There is some risk in that, though. Transferring brings a few challenges with it. Getting to know professors and having 2 years of the easier courses to pad your GPA are lost, among other issues.

We don’t have a community college anywhere near us. To attend one would negate the cost effectiveness of living at home, so we need to find a different way.

What makes you say “2 years of easier courses to pad you GPA”?

To be honest the only thing that made under classes harder at a 4 year university was that fact that graduate assistants taught many of the courses - and many were not very good instructors. But the university could pack lots of students into a room each paying over $240 a credit hour to be “instructed” by a person they were paying peanuts too.

 

[SamH]

Read the “Prodigal Son” … I suspect the Father understood his son would biff it when he gave his portion of the inheritance. Yet, the father did so with love and hope for his son.

Will you trust God, yourself, & children with the same level as the father did in this parable Jesus gives us?

Why not let them biff it without it costing half your life’s savings? Same lesson learned - just a lot easier on the pocket book.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Why not let them biff it without it costing half your life’s savings? Same lesson learned - just a lot easier on the pocket book.

The Father in the Prodigal Son did not hesitate to give (charity) … Nor did The Father add strings/conditions to the gift of the early inheritance. “Easier on the pocketbook” implies that the Father is NOT charitable and therefore, would not accept the son when he returns; common then & now. This is a lesson for the parents from God. Can they stop “hellercoptering” & have faith in God, their past parenting, and their children?

As for secular point of view, helping children help themselves (education) allows independence. Smoking Pot does not imply she will “Biff” it. However, education & licencing to be an RN does allow her to pay for her addiction herself. Current laws may prohibit her getting a loan for school based on her parents, and she may also lose her parents health care if the parents are going to be like mules and deny inheritance.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

I would urge you to talk about these topics with her though:

1. Certain professions, like nursing, will not tolerate substance use. Even in areas where marajuana is legal, professionals are still asked to sign a form indicating use of drugs like marajuana may be cause for termination.
2. Mental addiction (most pot users) is still an addiction. You want your daughter to be free and not enslaved to addiction.

 

[HouseArrest]

What makes you say “2 years of easier courses to pad you GPA”?

To be honest the only thing that made under classes harder at a 4 year university was that fact that graduate assistants taught many of the courses - and many were not very good instructors. But the university could pack lots of students into a room each paying over $240 a credit hour to be “instructed” by a person they were paying peanuts too.

I guess that was a poor choice of words.

When you transfer In credits, the grade does not transfer. So the Calculus I class that you took in high school, and then took again in college, is not factored into your GPA. So that grade which should be an A or a B is not there to even out that C you might get in Organic Chemistry. Higher level courses are just more difficult. I suppose you should be prepared because you took the lower level, but still, those earlier grades aren’t figured in.

 

[Country_Gal]

I found out that Walgreens sells urine drug screening kits that are very inexpensive. So i will be doing random ones. Her attitude is very cooperative and weve been able to have some good heart to heart discussions.

 

[ack]

I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with how the medical community views the use of recreational drugs. (Also, although your state may have legalized pot, as far as I know it is still a violation of federal law).

So, if this comes to light during her college or medical training to the administration- how will it be viewed? Is this considered ok for RN students? Or by medical employers? Could this in fact become a barrier to her following you into nursing?

Remember that those in the medical field (doctors, nurses, pharmacists) handle controlled substances on a regular basis. Some of these medications can be profitable when sold on the black market, and medical professionals are in a position of trust.

The medical community would be out of their mind to work with someone who is actively trading Schedule I controlled substances! I know that past drug use is generally a deal-breaker for medical students, because they will never get a prescribing license from the DEA having traded in illegal drugs in the past. Perhaps it isn’t as strict for nurses, but I can’t see anyone being eager to hire a nurse who can’t be trusted in the dispensary.

 

[Demetra2]

I just found out that my almost 19 yr old daughter smokes pot. She has been accepted to university, had a 3.8 + grade point average, is a virgin, and wants to go into nursing. Her father died when she was 3 and I recently got a compensation from the Federal government for his death from cancer, because he was exposed to a chemical in his work at a government covered facility under the The Energy Employees Occupational Illness Compensation Program Act. I have $50,000 for each of the girls set aside from that for their college.

She is accusing me of hoarding social security money during her childhood and other ridiculous accusations. I’ve worked hard as an RN and the social security has been a substitute for her father’s income. I’ve invested in some rental houses and have been prudent, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Now it looks like I’m the bad guy, in her eyes. Her younger sister is backing her up, and I’m outnumbered.

Now we are having a big blow up. I’m so distraught!

Sorry to hear this but as a nurse and mother you are correct in demading that she stop using pot. A recent column in the Wall Street Journal this week explained a connection between some youthful pot smokers and aquiring schizophrenia later in life. Beyond that, you are her mother and out of respect to you she should bend to your request which is reasonable and justified. It is bad advice for anyone to tell you that pot use is OK. It is never OK to put any toxic substance into your body whether it be excessive alcohol, pot, cocaine etc Would God approve?. I would have no problem in denying her the funds for college if she using pot or any other unhealthy substance. Prepare to have more blow ups, Are you strong enough to put your foot down? I hope so. How would you monitor her for pot use? She should probably not live at college and should instead be a commuter to a local university or community college until she shows some sense about this.

 

[Demetra2]

I wouldn’t pay for a child’s college period. It’s poor financial planning. They can get grants, scholarships, and loans and have plenty of time to pay them off. You are nearing retirement and need to save all you can to take care of yourself as you age, especially when you don’t know what the economy will do.

That said if I was going to pay for it I wouldn’t rescind it because of pot smoking. I graduated college with 2 degrees, one minor, and 2 certificates with a 3.8 GPA and several law school acceptance letters. I smoked a lot in college. Interestingly enough so did the very well known and respected professor who wrote my recommendation and got one of my papers published.

This is not good advice.Your mention of personal experience with pot and susequent mention of all your various degrees does not justify pot use for the OP or her daughter.

 

[fpt]

These are some general observations:

By principle, the responsible procreation implies to educate and to form your children: the natural education (the intellectual part - sciences and arts -, and the physical part) and the religious/spiritual/supra-natural education, both are very important: the body and the corollaries, and the soul and the corollaries.

In my humble opinion, it is an obligation of means for the parents. It is a natural obligation of trying of giving academical education in all honesty in function of objective criterias. The exclusion by the parents, by principle, of supporting the academical education of their own children by a refusal of giving money for fees of University seems to me very strange, not natural, not very charitable, not catholic. The principle is to try of doing that.

What are those objective criterias for discerning correctly? That is the great question!!! The constitutive elements for discerning can be:

1. The potential objective skills of your child. His honesty in his vow of studying, in his potential capacities, his potential faculties of getting the Diplomas or the Degrees;
2. The objective faculties of parents of helping and participating financially to the academical education of each kids: a minimum of financial efforts and of financial sacrifices have to be done by the parents in favor of their children, if that is objectively possible. The level and the degree of efforts and sacrifices is function of each situation; The rule is the casuistic in order to define the financial supports of parents for the higher education of their children;
3. The financial needs of parents for now, for the future, for the retirement, for the other children;

…etc.

As parents, you have the natural right to have the control of financing, i mean on how to give money, if you have no trust in your child??? You give the money to the university by yourself directly for being sure to avoid the bad using of your money. You can ask to get a student job for understanding the sense of efforts and of money.

The communication and the trust in the family, the financial control of parents, the contract of the academical education between parents and child… are the keys for finding some practical solutions.

The contract of the academical education between parents and child is the real key: obligations, duties and roles of child. The constitutive elements of this particular contract!!!

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Yes, I would. It doesn’t make her a bad person at all. It’s very stigmatized in this country–mostly for political reasons that go decades back. She’s in college to learn, you’re paying for her to get an education and eventually a job. If the pot smoking directly interferes with her learning, then you might have an issue. As long as she does her work and keeps her grades up, then I think you should accept that everyone has different ideals and values and that no one (not even your daughter) will be able to live life without disappointing you.

What if you rescind your offer to pay for college and she decides not to go? She could end up wasting a lot of her time.

If she decides to screw up her future (Which she has already begun doing by smoking pot), that’s not her mother’s issue, just like it’s not the daughter’s issue if it was the mother that was smoking pot. People have to start becoming adults and realize they’re in charge now, and if something goes wrong, it’s quite probably their fault, especially if it means she decided not to go to college because she didn’t get the money she felt was rightfully hers.

To the author of the thread, I think it is a wonderful thing you are going to help her through college. It’s a very kind and selfless act. But kind and selfless acts do have conditions, especially when they concern money. If you want to put her through college, handle the finances yourself. I wouldn’t personally risk giving it to her and then she spends a lot of it on pot instead of on school. However, if you feel the pot smoking in itself is a deal-breaker, that’s your decision. It’s your money, and you can set whatever conditions you want for it, within reason, of course. It would be unfair, for instance, to say that if you help pay, she has to get all A’s. That’s a really hard thing and it puts a lot of pressure and stress on her. I know a girl who flunked out of nursing because her father had demands like that. But I think merely asking that she use a standard moral compass is a pretty normal requirement, especially since using pot will mean she can’t get a job in nursing anyway.

 

[HouseArrest]

Yes, I would. It doesn’t make her a bad person at all. It’s very stigmatized in this country–mostly for political reasons that go decades back. She’s in college to learn, you’re paying for her to get an education and eventually a job. If the pot smoking directly interferes with her learning, then you might have an issue. As long as she does her work and keeps her grades up, then I think you should accept that everyone has different ideals and values and that no one (not even your daughter) will be able to live life without disappointing you.

What if you rescind your offer to pay for college and she decides not to go? She could end up wasting a lot of her time.

She would be choosing pot over college. If she does that then no, she shouldn’t go to college.

 

[SamH]

The Father in the Prodigal Son did not hesitate to give (charity) … Nor did The Father add strings/conditions to the gift of the early inheritance. “Easier on the pocketbook” implies that the Father is NOT charitable and therefore, would not accept the son when he returns; common then & now. This is a lesson for the parents from God. Can they stop “hellercoptering” & have faith in God, their past parenting, and their children?

As you note it was a rich man - half of his wealth was still left him a a rich man.

As for secular point of view, helping children help themselves (education) allows independence. Smoking Pot does not imply she will “Biff” it. However, education & licencing to be an RN does allow her to pay for her addiction herself. Current laws may prohibit her getting a loan for school based on her parents, and she may also lose her parents health care if the parents are going to be like mules and deny inheritance.

Who says she has to get a loan? She could always get a job and pay for it herself - millions do it every year. I did, my wife did, several of my brothers and sisters did too.

Why would she lose her health care?

As far as I knew, an inheritance is something you get when a person dies - her parents are still alive.

 

[SamH]

I guess that was a poor choice of words.

When you transfer In credits, the grade does not transfer. So the Calculus I class that you took in high school, and then took again in college, is not factored into your GPA. So that grade which should be an A or a B is not there to even out that C you might get in Organic Chemistry. Higher level courses are just more difficult. I suppose you should be prepared because you took the lower level, but still, those earlier grades aren’t figured in.

Must be something specific to a college or a state. I know when I ask for a transcript from my 4 year college they list all the classes that were transfered (college classes I took in highschool) and the grade I received and they are used to calculate my overall GPA.