Would you say something to this person?

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I have a coworker, 22 years old, who just moved to Korea and started working with me less than two months ago. She’s very young, and very sweet, and often comes to me during breaks or at lunch to ask me for personal advice about guys she’s interested in. I usually limit my advice to “I don’t think that’s wise” or “I think you should wait” when she asks me about sex. She knows where I stand on sex before marriage. She continues to ask me, presumably because she doesn’t have much of a support network here.

So on Friday night I got a call from her at three o’clock in the morning. She had been seeing this guy, and after they slept together he told her he just wanted to be friends. I’m unsurprised. She’s devastated. She was heaving and sobbing and asking me what she was doing wrong. I made some comforting murmurs and assured her that she’s better off without a jerk like that, but I really want to tell her what she’s doing wrong when we have lunch together on Monday. She’s doing everything wrong.

Since she first arrived at the end of August, she has hit the bars and clubs three to four nights a week, every week. She gives out her phone number to anyone who asks, and asks guys for their phone numbers, too. She’ll text a guy the day after she met him, and ask if he’ll have lunch with her that day. She won’t sleep with a guy on the first date, but she will sleep with him on the second date. At any given time, there’ll be two or three guys that she’s interested in, on a constant rotation, although she “limits” herself to one sex partner at a time on the “serial monogamy isn’t sleeping around” theory. (She told me this during a discussion of our values about sex. I listened to her philosophy because it gave me a chance to tell her mine.) It sounds like she’s slept with at least four different guys in the two months I’ve known her.

She says she doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. She wants a boyfriend who will say nice things to her, make her feel good about herself, and be in a sexual relationship with her, but she doesn’t want a guy who is interested in anything long term. She doesn’t want a guy who will fall in love with her, she says. She doesn’t want to put up with any **** from a boyfriend or deal with his needs at all. In fact, she claims she would prefer to just have sex with a series of different guys so she wouldn’t get attached to any of them, but she’s afraid of getting a disease that way. 🤷 (And how is that different from what she’s doing now, I wonder?) She feels that she doesn’t have the willpower to resist sex, and she says her only choice is between serial monogamy + risk of heartbreak and sleeping around + risk of disease.

I’m not sure if I should try to open her eyes to the problems with her attitude and her lifestyle. I want to sit her down and tell her that relationships are for giving, not getting, and that as long as she only cares about selfishly using men for sex, she’ll only meet men who want to selfishly use her for sex. I don’t think she’ll change her lifestyle because of anything I say, but maybe I could plant a seed. If I say anything, it has to be this week, because she gave notice at work and Friday is her last day. I don’t think she’d be offended if I talked to her, but if she is, at least I won’t have to see her at work after Friday.

I don’t know, would you say something?
 
Yes, I would say something to her----everything you want to say, in the caring yet direct way way you do here. She asked you what she was “doing wrong” which means she wants your advice and direction. God Bless your conversation, and go for it!

May the Angels be with you and her on that day.
 
I think that since she is already asking for advice from you, you are in a good position to offer good sound advice to her. She seems to respect and look for your opinion. Obviously, she might not take your advice, but at least you told her the truth.
 
When her life turns around for the better, she will have you to remember as the turning point.
 
Hi, this girl is asking your advice and trusting you as someone to give her guidance. In this situation I would accept the invitation she is obviously giving you by gently and kindly enlightening her. God has in some sense placed her in your care, and while you are not responsible for her behaviour, you are given the trust of sharing a Christian and sensible viewpoint with her. I think the question is, “When at last I stand before God, will I know I have done the Christlike thing regarding this person or that?” Will I have said like Cain, “Am I my brother’s [sister’s] keeper?” or will I have helped to protect a confused sister from serious mistakes? She doesn’t know the right questions, but she is clearly asking you for honest help.

I know you for a wonderful, good generous person. Don’t fear to be ‘christ’ to this girl. She has no one else to guide her but you, it seems.

God bless you for wanting to help her, and for your respect for her barriers…but for you, she has let down the barriers.

May the Holy Spirit guide you dear sister
God bless, Trishie
 
Well, Trish is right, and it seems to me that she might still need to learn the hard way. And I would not buy this part about her not looking for a serious relationship - looks like she has some serious problems with herself, and she is really seeking love - in all the wrong places at that.
You might be the only real friend she has at the moment. I do not know what to say to her, as it does not look she is ready to listen. So start with prayer.
 
There is a really good book…dang, I wish I could remember what it is called…🤷

For Women Only maybe?

Anyway, if you go to your local Barnes and Noble they have it. I gave it to a friend last year who was having some problems.

It is a Christian book, but it is more about self-worth. It is a pretty interesting synopsis of how women tie emotions to sex, and how once you sleep with someone you expect them to feel the same way about you…

I’ll try to think of the name. Unfortunately now my friend lives in Australia…hmmm…😊
 
Just_wondering said:
I have a coworker, 22 years old, who just moved to Korea and started working with me less than two months ago. She’s very young, and very sweet, and often comes to me during breaks or at lunch to ask me for personal advice about guys she’s interested in. I usually limit my advice to “I don’t think that’s wise” or “I think you should wait” when she asks me about sex. She knows where I stand on sex before marriage. She continues to ask me, presumably because she doesn’t have much of a support network here.

So on Friday night I got a call from her at three o’clock in the morning. She had been seeing this guy, and after they slept together he told her he just wanted to be friends. I’m unsurprised. She’s devastated. She was heaving and sobbing and asking me what she was doing wrong. I made some comforting murmurs and assured her that she’s better off without a jerk like that, but I really want to tell her what she’s doing wrong when we have lunch together on Monday. She’s doing everything wrong.

Since she first arrived at the end of August, she has hit the bars and clubs three to four nights a week, every week. She gives out her phone number to anyone who asks, and asks guys for their phone numbers, too. She’ll text a guy the day after she met him, and ask if he’ll have lunch with her that day. She won’t sleep with a guy on the first date, but she will sleep with him on the second date. At any given time, there’ll be two or three guys that she’s interested in, on a constant rotation, although she “limits” herself to one sex partner at a time on the “serial monogamy isn’t sleeping around” theory. (She told me this during a discussion of our values about sex. I listened to her philosophy because it gave me a chance to tell her mine.) It sounds like she’s slept with at least four different guys in the two months I’ve known her.

She says she doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. She wants a boyfriend who will say nice things to her, make her feel good about herself, and be in a sexual relationship with her, but she doesn’t want a guy who is interested in anything long term. She doesn’t want a guy who will fall in love with her, she says. She doesn’t want to put up with any **** from a boyfriend or deal with his needs at all. In fact, she claims she would prefer to just have sex with a series of different guys so she wouldn’t get attached to any of them, but she’s afraid of getting a disease that way. 🤷 (And how is that different from what she’s doing now, I wonder?) She feels that she doesn’t have the willpower to resist sex, and she says her only choice is between serial monogamy + risk of heartbreak and sleeping around + risk of disease.

I’m not sure if I should try to open her eyes to the problems with her attitude and her lifestyle. I want to sit her down and tell her that relationships are for giving, not getting, and that as long as she only cares about selfishly using men for sex, she’ll only meet men who want to selfishly use her for sex. I don’t think she’ll change her lifestyle because of anything I say, but maybe I could plant a seed. If I say anything, it has to be this week, because she gave notice at work and Friday is her last day. I don’t think she’d be offended if I talked to her, but if she is, at least I won’t have to see her at work after Friday.

I don’t know, would you say something?
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You are a good friend to care so much, JW.🙂 That’s so sad that she’s sleeping around, but she can turn things around for herself. I would say something simple…like…‘You won’t find love through sleeping with men like this.’ Most of the time, women who sleep with men before marriage, especially multiple men, are seeking affirmation, love, and attention. Something might have been lacking in her childhood to lead her to where she is now. I would say something simple like that, and let things build from there.

Another fave of mine is…‘why should a man buy the cow, when he gets the milk for free?’ A little on the blunt side, that old saying, but it is true. Men don’t respect women, typically, that sleep with them without a relationship…without love. I have known couples who get married and have good marriages, despite the sleeping together before marriage–but the vast majority turn sour, before any marriage proposals come about.

I will pray for your friend, and for the Holy Spirit to bestow upon you just the perfect words to say at the perfect moment.

Good luck and God bless.
 
You might talk to her about how bad she feels when these guys toss her away.

Explain to her that science has found there is a chemical, Oxytocin. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin

"Bonding. In the Prairie Vole, oxytocin released into the brain of the female during sexual activity is important for forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner. Vasopressin appears to have a similar effect in males.[10] Oxytocin has a role in social behaviors in many species, and so it seems likely that it has similar roles in humans. "

This causes us to “bond” to the person we have sex with.

Take a piece of tape and stick it to her arm. A new piece of tape bonds well. Then peel it off, and re-stick - and peel it off and re-stick - soon, that tape will form a less bond, to the point where it cannot bond at all.

She is bonding to these men. No wonder she feels so bad when the toss her away.
 
I would not miss this opportunity to try to give her some guidance. In the times were living in, it may save her life. It is a sad situation. You must be feeling that it has become necessary to confront her. I will pray for her to be open to hearing the truth and that she will be set free from the lie she is living. I mean that in a loving way. I have daughters and my heart goes out to this young women. Christ Be With You!
 
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