Would you stand for a blessing after mass on Mother's Day if your only child(ren) died?

[teetee]

So very sorry for your loss. I’m glad that you’ve taken the decision to stand for that Blessing.
I read somewhere that when a child looses their parents they are ‘orphans’
When a husband looses his wife he is a ‘widower’ when a wife looses her husband she is a ‘widow’ but when a mother looses her child she still remains a “mother” simply because it does not change anything she is and always will be a mother. You alone know, what that baby meant to you, no one can take that love away! You need that Blessing more than anyone else.

 

[RoseMary131]

Mother’s Day (in fact, most holidays) can be a difficult time for those who have lost a child.
How do women cope if their child(ren) have died either late in life, during infancy, stillbirth or miscarriage? Do they stand on Mother’s Day after mass for a blessing?

---

My story:

I was pregnant and due this June. I was expecting to be very far along come Mother’s Day this year and was looking forward to standing for my first Mother’s Day blessing at mass on Mother’s Day. Do your parishes do this? I have been Catholic for almost 9 years and each different parish I have been to has asked all mothers and “expectant” mothers to stand after mass on Mother’s Day for a special blessing. I have also seen this done on Father’s Day for fathers.

I miscarried at 11 weeks. I had a child. A child with an immortal soul created in God’s image and likeness, a beating heart, and his or her very own guardian angel. My child died.

Am I a mother?

Dearest Stella Matutina, I’m so sorry you lost year dear sweet child. There is nothing I can do to take away any of your pain. However, one thing I want to share with you is that one day you will hold your precious baby in Heaven. You held your little one as close as possible for that beautiful short time, you held your sweet baby in your womb.

Yes, you are certainly a mother. You are the mother to a child who now lives in Heaven. I’m sure your child prays to God for you and your dear husband - mother and father.

You are invited to stand on Mother’s Day for the special blessing of mothers. Sometimes the priests ask that mothers, grandmothers, those who have been a “mother” to someone in some manner - to stand for this blessing. Its okay if someone is a bit confused when they see you stand. They may think you are currently pregnant, they may think or know that you loss your dear little one through a miscarriage. They may wonder… its okay. You are a dear mother and you deserve to receive this precious gift of the special blessings by the priest at Mass.

Its also okay if you cry during the Mass, the blessing, or when someone ask you about standing. Say with a smile among the tears, that you lost your sweet little one a few months ago. They may not know what to say, or may say something that sounds “strange” - that’s okay. You will also find many mothers will share with you that they too had a miscarriage - they just hadn’t shared their story with many people.

What would you do if you have been or were in a similar situation?

If you know someone whose child(ren) died either later in life, during infancy, stillbirth or miscarriage, how do you support him or her? Do you do things to acknowledge their children?

You might ask the local hospital if they have support group for parents who have lost their little babies through miscarriage or stillbirth. You can also call your Diocese Respect Life office to see if they know of a support group for you. Sometimes there is a special Mass or ceremony at the Catholic graveyard that families who have lost their sweet babies can attend.

At our Diocese Respect Life Mass each January, there is a special book and everyone is invited to write the name of any child who has died in the book. This book is presented at Mass during the offertory. Roses are available for anyone to take and place in vases to be set at the altar for any child who has died. Its very touching and beautiful. It allows every person - mother, father, sibling, friend - who lost a child through any means to celebrate that child at Mass.

Have you named your sweet little child?

One way that you guys can support me is just by reading this post and understanding and supporting my decision to stand on Mother’s Day for a blessing.

We gave our daughter and son-in-law a beautiful white statue of St. Francis with Jesus on the Cross in honor of our little grandchild who was miscarried. They named our little grandchild Francis and his life with us was very, very short. It was during Holy Week that we learned we were grandparents, so this beautiful statue of St. Francis with Jesus on the Cross shares that Easter Joy.

Francis has a godfather, a friend who prayed and prayed that he would live and not die from a miscarriage.

Our daughter describes all the fun things Francis got to do in his short time - those adventures that she did during those few short weeks he was alive in her womb. Francis is real and so is your sweet baby. Francis has two siblings now. He is their big brother in Heaven. They have a special ornament for their Christmas tree for him as well, a fun ornament that reminds them of him.

May God give you peace in knowing you are very welcome to stand for the beautiful Mother’s Day blessing.

May you find beautiful ways to express your love for your child - everyday - as you are a mother every day - a mother to this beautiful child of your’s.

God Bless you, your husband, and your sweet child.

 

[SnowAngels]

I am greatly sorry for the loss of your precious child!
Yes, you are a mother, even if your baby is in heaven. I think it would be a beautiful declaration of love for your child if you stood, but i’d only do it if you are comfortable.
God bless you!

• SnowAngels

 

[VivienneJ]

IMO, our culture does not know how to appropriately acknowledge and process death. We’re supposed to just be sad for 3 days (the usual time allotted for bereavement at most work places) and then move on and not talk about it. I feel that this leaves many people out there to grieve alone in shame. What can we do to help those in this situation? Because of shame, do some people not want support.

Sadly this is so true of many cultures.

They have been mostly supportive of what I have gone through recently but not necessarily acknowledging that I had a baby. They are more of the opinion that it is sad because I lost a “potential” baby. And all I have to do is try again and once I give birth to a live baby that should fix everything. This type of opinion is all so common and it just bothers me.

Especially in early miscarriages, this can add to the hurt. Those comments along the lines of, “well, you hardly knew you were pregnant”. Pregnancy is a yes or no situation, not an almost one - rather like you either are or are not a passenger on an aeroplane.

I find in these situations sometimes, the bereaved person ends up comforting the non-bereaved and assuring them “everything’s fine” even though it is still just plain sad no matter how much time goes by.

Oh so true. After my husband’s death someone sent me this that was a real comfort, and has been during the ensuing years, when that scar still itches at times:

A cut finger…
is numb before it bleeds,
it bleeds before it hurts,
it hurts until it begins to heal,
it forms a scab and itches
until, finally the scab is gone
and a small scar is left
where once there was a wound.

Grief is the deepest wound
you will ever have.
Like a cut finger,
it goes through stages,
and leaves a scar.

That is the most awesome thing ever!!! I love your Fr. Patrick

He is not alone in drawing attention to the fact that women act as mothers without being biological mothers; I remember two different Anglican priests (from my past) who made this same comment on Mother’s Days - one of them used to get the Sunday School children to make simple flower posies during class on Mother’s Day and then the children gave them to all the women at that service, it was very sweet to see some of the little children giving posies to some of the older teens who were their Sunday School helpers, among other recipients.

I still miss the twins I miscarried (and my twin brother and sister) just as I miss my sister who died at 28 and my husband.

A reminder to those who have miscarried, be kind to yourself around the time your baby would have been born, it is another difficult time to get through. In my case someone else at our church was pregnant with twins around the same time I was, when they were born and I saw them week after week at church, it was hard.

 

[esieffe]

I lost 5 children (all of the ones I conceived) at a point between 12 weeks and 6 1/2 months. I didn’t used to stand for the Mother’s Day Blessing, but I do now. My children, all five of them, are with the Lord, but I am still a Mother. My dear spouse, who died 2 years ago, gave me a Mother’s Day card and flowers every year! I am and will always be (in this life, anyway) a Mother and proud of it.

The only difference between you and another angel is that you are still here with us on earth, gracing us with your presence. You most definitely have earned a place in heaven.

 

[esieffe]

Please stand. Not only for yourself and the one you lost, but for other mothers who have lost.
Peace always be with you.
-e

 

[Sahara_DeSert]

I lost 5 children (all of the ones I conceived) at a point between 12 weeks and 6 1/2 months. I didn’t used to stand for the Mother’s Day Blessing, but I do now. My children, all five of them, are with the Lord, but I am still a Mother. My dear spouse, who died 2 years ago, gave me a Mother’s Day card and flowers every year! I am and will always be (in this life, anyway) a Mother and proud of it.

Kudos to your spouse! How wonderful of him to recognize you on Mother’s Day.
I agree, Stand up and be proud, it is honouring your children that God gifted to you for a wee time .

 

[RoseMary131]

I guess where all of my anxt about this is coming from is that I am a convert and no one on my side of the family is Catholic or pro-life. They have been mostly supportive of what I have gone through recently but not necessarily acknowledging that I had a baby. They are more of the opinion that it is sad because I lost a “potential” baby. And all I have to do is try again and once I give birth to a live baby that should fix everything. This type of opinion is all so common and it just bothers me.

But I really really appreciate the support from you all. Internet strangers are providing better support than my own family!** I’m not mad though because they know not what they do.** Your acknowledgement of my child though really means so very much.

It believe it is the culture that we live that causes some people to think a baby who dies before birth is “less than a child.” Many people will mistakenly think, “another baby makes up for the loss child.” However, its not true.

I don’t think that most people understand the insensitive nature of those ideas - sadly I believe its the culture we live in. You are right in they do not understand what they do.

You will also find mothers of all religion or no religion grieve the loss of their child - children lost through miscarriage, through stillbirth, at a young age, and even through abortion. Because maternal love is built into nature. I think it is culture that has people thinking otherwise.

Some people have no idea what to say to someone who lost a child at such a young age, so what they say may be insensitive. Again, it comes from our culture - a culture that often doesn’t speak of miscarriage and the sadness a mother holds in her heart.

Often when one mother mentions her child loss through miscarriage, other mothers share their stories as well.

I’m sorry your family has not acknowledge that this is a sweet baby who has died. As time goes on, they may realize the truth that this little child is a family member who is now in Heaven and is your precious little baby.

May God give you peace.

 

[RoseMary131]

Another thing we did for our daughter and son-in-law was to have a Mass offered for their special intentions on the due date of our little grandchild who was loss through miscarriage. My husband and I were able to attend that Mass. We told the priest who offered Mass that day why we had the Mass offered.

You can probably have a Mass offered at your parish for your special intention. Most parishes take Mass offerings which can be for the soul of someone departed or can be for the special intentions of a living person(s). A small stipend is normally given when making the arrangements through the church office. This donation is given to the priest who offers the Mass.

 

[RoseMary131]

I lead 2 groups, one at my Parish for Catholics and one outside the Parish for Protestants and others who have lost their spouses in the past few years. … I lost all 5 in a previous marriage, where my (non-Catholic) spouse decided he wanted no children, as it would take my constant attention away from him, so he would beat me, particularly in the abdomen to force a miscarriage…my Bishop told me to GET OUT. I obtained an annulment. I lost all 5 in a period of 4 1/2 years. Named them all (even if I wasn’t sure if they were boys or girls) and ask them regularly to pray for me I did remarry in my 50’s. My departed husband( of 2 years ago) never had children and wanted them very much. His first marriage lasted 38 years, his wife died of cancer. When we married, I told him he was now the father of my children and I would ask that they would pray for him. When he died of cancer 15 1/2 years later, he told me he would tell all of them I loved them and so did he. He was a precious man and a devout convert.

Judy, I am so sorry for the pain you and your sweet children experienced. God has graced you abundantly in your ability to survive and to reach out to others in their pain.

Your beautiful husband became a beautiful father for your dear sweet children in Heaven. Thank you for being able to share the sadness and pain of the short life of your dear children and the love of you and your precious husband and those sweet children in Heaven.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, if a woman chooses not to stand for whatever reason (maybe she had an abortion(s), placed a baby in a closed adoption, who knows) I can respect that and her privacy. On the flip side, if a woman wants to stand because she’s a stepmother for example, go for it!

Sometimes mothers don’t stand because they just choose not to–maybe shy, maybe they don’t like the ritual, maybe…well, any reason save a desire to be spiteful or something like that would be a sufficient reason, even no reason at all.

Stepparents are parents just as surely as St. Joseph was a parent. Of course they ought to feel free to stand, too, just as surely as St. Joseph belongs in pictures of the Holy Family!

 

[bmaj]

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. He or she will be waiting for you one day, and there will be only happy tears at that beautiful reunion! You are a loving Mother who deeply cares for the child you lost, and you should stand if you wish.

Another option if you’re still feeling uncomfortable about the decision might be to go to Mass on Mother’s Day at another nearby Catholic Church in the next town if it isn’t too far. (Where I live there are several Catholic Churches to choose from, all within 20 minutes of each other, but that may not be the case where you are.) Not all Priests ask the Mothers to stand for that blessing on Mother’s Day, and the odds are that they might not. You also might not know as many people at that Mass, if any, and might feel more comfortable standing even if the Priest does ask. Just a thought.

Prayers and hugs for you!

 

[Pax2u]

I can’t believe it matters whether or not you are standing…you will still be blessed.

If you want to stand, feel free. If you don’t want to stand, you will still receive the blessing. I don’t think it matters to God one way or another…do what you feel moved to.

 

[RoseMary131]

I can’t believe it matters whether or not you are standing…you will still be blessed.

If you want to stand, feel free. If you don’t want to stand, you will still receive the blessing. I don’t think it matters to God one way or another…do what you feel moved to.

While your statement was meant for the OP, thank you for the reminder that God’s blessings do not require us to “stand”, but simply are given freely. What a beautiful reminder you have given us.

I once asked a priest who was visiting our home to give us a family blessing before he left. Then I said, “but our little one is in the bed asleep.” He, like you, reminded me that God’s blessings do not have boundaries, it is only us who get confused with “walls”. Thus, letting me know that his priestly blessing for our family did not require me to bring our little one to the same room as the rest of us.

The blessings to mothers at such a time, apply to all present who have a mother role - standing or sitting.

Peace to you also, Pax2U.

 

[Pax2u]

While your statement was meant for the OP, thank you for the reminder that God’s blessings do not require us to “stand”, but simply are given freely. What a beautiful reminder you have given us.

I once asked a priest who was visiting our home to give us a family blessing before he left. Then I said, “but our little one is in the bed asleep.” He, like you, reminded me that God’s blessings do not have boundaries, it is only us who get confused with “walls”. Thus, letting me know that his priestly blessing for our family did not require me to bring our little one to the same room as the rest of us.

The blessings to mothers at such a time, apply to all present who have a mother role - standing or sitting.

Peace to you also, Pax2U.

You are sweet…thanks!!

 

[marywarfield]

Absolutely. Several reasons.

First: My first child was
unexpectedly stillborn at term. This was 25 years
ago when people said “well he never drew a breath
so it’s not like you knew him. Don’t be melodramatc.”
Except for Compassionate Friends grief support
did not exist. Except for the mortuary and Church
no one understood why we were having a funeral.
Basically YOU have to stand for that miscarried
little person as silent witness that he/she was an
actual human being.

For me it’s a bit different. He died on Mothers Day
that year so some years it is both his birthday and
death day. Mothers Day has always been a very
hard day for me even with more children because
of that. But it is even more reason for me to stand.

Second: your child has been taken but not
your motherhood. You will always be the child’s
mother into eternity. Nothing can change that.

Third: you may, like me, have more children. My
children, especially my daughter, pestered me
with questions about her older brother. When
she was old enough and married and ready to
have children her upbringing taught her the stillborn/
miscarried child was a true human person, abortion
was OBVIOUSLY wrong, and when she miscarried
herself once, she had no confusion like I experienced.
She was able to get the help she needed and
now has two living children to pass this info on to.

Fourth: Mary was not less of a Mother because Her Son
was crucified.

Reasons to Stand: God’s Opinion
Reasons to Not Stand: Worldly opinion.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

Absolutely. Several reasons.

First: My first child was
unexpectedly stillborn at term. This was 25 years
ago when people said “well he never drew a breath
so it’s not like you knew him. Don’t be melodramatc.”
Except for Compassionate Friends grief support
did not exist. Except for the mortuary and Church
no one understood why we were having a funeral.
Basically YOU have to stand for that miscarried
little person as silent witness that he/she was an
actual human being.

For me it’s a bit different. He died on Mothers Day
that year so some years it is both his birthday and
death day. Mothers Day has always been a very
hard day for me even with more children because
of that. But it is even more reason for me to stand.

Second: your child has been taken but not
your motherhood. You will always be the child’s
mother into eternity. Nothing can change that.

Third: you may, like me, have more children. My
children, especially my daughter, pestered me
with questions about her older brother. When
she was old enough and married and ready to
have children her upbringing taught her the stillborn/
miscarried child was a true human person, abortion
was OBVIOUSLY wrong, and when she miscarried
herself once, she had no confusion like I experienced.
She was able to get the help she needed and
now has two living children to pass this info on to.

Fourth: Mary was not less of a Mother because Her Son
was crucified.

Reasons to Stand: God’s Opinion
Reasons to Not Stand: Worldly opinion.

:yeah_me: You win!

I appreciate everyone’s support, including those who have said they think it is acceptable not to stand if I don’t feel comfortable. But without realizing it, I think after all of your responses, I am most encouraged by those such as these posts who say, “Stand for your baby! Mary! God! The Truth! And every woman out there who has come before you!!! Yeah!!!”
I guess, a Catholic pep-talk is what I’ve needed of sorts because I feel discouraged by others around me who think embryos can just be kept in refrigerators and experimented on and thrown away. I’m not uncomfortable or embarrassed about the miscarriage, I’m uncomfortable that people don’t acknowledge that I had a child whose life ended. I feel like I have been surrounded by this attitude at the doctor’s office, the hospital, with my family, and friends. My Catholic friends, husband’s side of the family, and some Christian friends are all understanding and supportive but are fewer in number compared to the former non-understanding group mentioned.

To be honest, I don’t even really care about Mother’s Day itself. I’ve always considered it a “Hallmark holiday.” But motherhood I have always admired and revered. Who would not want a motherly blessing?

I think as more women are choosing not to have children, there is becoming this weird divide between women who are raising kids or have raised kids and women who have not. Sometimes it feels like there is this judgmental tension between the two groups at times. And I think this tension is what I irrationally feared would come into play if I made public displays of my motherhood— as in some women would deem my motherhood inconsequential compared to their years of hard work raising several children into and through adulthood.

For example, I went to lunch today with a group and I brought may tray to the trash can and a friend kindly took my tray from me and started throwing my trash away and I of course thanked her and she responded with, “Oh, I’m used to it. I’m a mother.” And, I just politely smiled but in my head I thought, “Well, sheesh, so am I!” I know that is totally dumb and she was just being nice but its these kind of little daily interactions that bring me down as I am trying to process the loss.

God is Truth and the world is full of lies and I’m just having a little trouble keeping my eyes on Jesus instead of the waves around me as I’m sinking in these waters of grief.

 

[livingwordunity]

I agree with all the rest. A child is a child from the moment of conception. That’s the teaching of the Catholic Church. Once a mother always one because your child will always be yours forever.

 

[marywarfield]

:yeah_me: You win!

I appreciate everyone’s support, including those who have said they think it is acceptable not to stand if I don’t feel comfortable. But without realizing it, I think after all of your responses, I am most encouraged by those such as these posts who say, “Stand for your baby! Mary! God! The Truth! And every woman out there who has come before you!!! Yeah!!!”
I guess, a Catholic pep-talk is what I’ve needed of sorts because I feel discouraged by others around me who think embryos can just be kept in refrigerators and experimented on and thrown away. I’m not uncomfortable or embarrassed about the miscarriage, I’m uncomfortable that people don’t acknowledge that I had a child whose life ended. I feel like I have been surrounded by this attitude at the doctor’s office, the hospital, with my family, and friends. My Catholic friends, husband’s side of the family, and some Christian friends are all understanding and supportive but are fewer in number compared to the former non-understanding group mentioned.

To be honest, I don’t even really care about Mother’s Day itself. I’ve always considered it a “Hallmark holiday.” But motherhood I have always admired and revered. Who would not want a motherly blessing?

I think as more women are choosing not to have children, there is becoming this weird divide between women who are raising kids or have raised kids and women who have not. Sometimes it feels like there is this judgmental tension between the two groups at times. And I think this tension is what I irrationally feared would come into play if I made public displays of my motherhood— as in some women would deem my motherhood inconsequential compared to their years of hard work raising several children into and through adulthood.

For example, I went to lunch today with a group and I brought may tray to the trash can and a friend kindly took my tray from me and started throwing my trash away and I of course thanked her and she responded with, “Oh, I’m used to it. I’m a mother.” And, I just politely smiled but in my head I thought, “Well, sheesh, so am I!” I know that is totally dumb and she was just being nice but its these kind of little daily interactions that bring me down as I am trying to process the loss.

God is Truth and the world is full of lies and I’m just having a little trouble keeping my eyes on Jesus instead of the waves around me as I’m sinking in these waters of grief.

Well you are reaching out and talking about it
and that’s good. I couldn’t even do that for about
three months. In some ways miscarriage is harder
than stillbirth when it comes to having anyone
acknowledge the reality of an individual person
Dying. The idea that it was “a blob of tissue” remains.
When Lucas was born dead, it was a terrific shock
but because he was a term baby the nurses insisted
I be able to hold him, his father hold him,
the hospital took his footprints and a photo of
him all of which I have today. With a miscarriage
depending on weeks you don’t even get that little
bit of “humanness” to take home so people
do discount the fact that yes you lost a “someone”.
Amazingly people are totally shocked that I have
a photo of a dead baby but I don’t see “dead” when
I look at it.
Most people mean well but I found early on that
there is nothing that is really correct to say. My
best friend at the time was an Apache woman
who drove hundred miles to sit in my living
room for three days in which she said absolutely
nothing. Nothing. Most refreshing! Everyone else
made statements like “you can always have another
baby” or “have you thought about adopting?”.
They meant well but did not understand that I wasn’t
done with the first child yet. Lol. Not able to understand
that mom doesn’t want another child she wants
the one she lost.
Society is still very backwards in understanding
exactly what Personhood" means especially
in the unborn.
You yourself will heal but with a bit of scarring. And
though it doesn’t feel possible right now you will
wake up some day to a feeling of guilt because
you are not thinking about the baby as much and
feel you are betraying him too. But no. That will
be your sign that God wants you to move on, not
forget the child, but live for the here and now and
future.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

Hey, I know this is an old thread but I just wanted to let everyone know that my anxiety about this was all in vain.

I went to mass today and the priest asked all mother’s to stand “including those who have lost children through miscarriage.” He also included women who nurture others in some way.