Would you still be friends if you met them now?

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How many of your oldest friends and acquaintances would you still befriend if you met them for the first time today? I got to thinking about this earlier as I scrolled through Facebook and thought about the actual relationships I have with the people on there. I believe I still only consider a lot of them friends out of some sense of loyalty or nostalgia. There are several with whom I’ve kept in close touch who nearly make my skin crawl when I hear their names. While we still see each other once twice every year or two, I typically delete or block their Facebook posts, not just to avoid the stress but to preserve what’s left of our friendship.

As I looked through the list I wondered how many of them I could actually rely upon to support me in any way–even just morally–if I really needed it. A lot of them will post memes claiming they’d be there for each and every one of their friends, even if they called them in the middle of the night, but how many would truly welcome that call? I have a feeling that if I did a poll, I’d get a lot of middle of the night hang ups and profanity-laced tirades. There are a few I know I could rely on, but I’m guessing the actual number is well under 10% of the people on there. I don’t know that I"m much better–a fair number of them, if I saw their name on my caller ID I’d probably not even answer simply because I have no idea what I’d even say to them. On the other hand, I’ve reached out personally to a few of them who were going through particularly stressful times.

There are a few with whom I was very close friends years ago, but who now I dread even hearing from because their lives and beliefs are so far removed from mine. One in particular was one of my 2-3 closest friends for several years. Other than old times, though, I can’t imagine what we’d have to talk about if we got together again. Another has matured and grown so little in the last 20 years that every time I see him it’s like when you dig through your old stash of VHS tapes that you recorded off cable in the early 80s, find a movie that was one of your favorites when you were a kid, but then watch it and wonder how you ever could have liked it. The jokes, the action and the special effects were pretty cool when you were 12, but watching them now is tedious and, frankly, embarrassing.

I’m sure some of them would voice similar sentiments about me. I’ve had a couple dozen old “friends” unfriend me. Oddly enough, when they do, the bulk of them have blocked me as well. I won’t guess at the reasons why, but they were all either virulently anti-religious and overbearingly vocal liberals, or liberal Catholics hellbent on changing their “wacky” and/or “misguided” Church from the inside. The whole situation got me wondering about how others felt about friendship and loyalty, and if, as Catholics, does anyone feel more of an obligation to hold onto these friendships that likely should have run their course years ago.
 
You have beautifully described the main reason I don’t like Facebook and why I deleted my account a few years ago. Most people we know are at best acquaintances, you exchange Christmas cards, maybe the odd email. Without Facebook most of them would fall out of your life. Friends are people you go to some trouble to keep in touch. If you live close by you meet frequently. I see my best friend at least once a week, we constantly phone each other. I have another good friend I see a few times a month. Could I phone in the middle of the night, yes. Would they be there for me if I were in trouble, yes. They were very supportive during my treatment for cancer last winter. One of them took me to three of my chemos, because she wanted to give my husband a break, but also because she wanted to share the experience with me. The number of times, we’d talk on the phone when infections kept us apart, and I’d just say speak to me about real life, were part of what helped deal with the fear cancer caused.

I hope you have one or two friends like this, then consider yourself lucky. The rest can be fun, you can chat, get together once in a while, but remember they’re acquaintances, don’t judge them too harshly.
 
Although Facebook was a big part of what got me thinking about this, it goes beyond that as well. One of the friends with whom I do keep in actual touch got upset recently because I wasn’t overly supportive of the idea of a group of us getting together this summer. This is the small group of my closest friends from college. At the time we were certain we’d all retire in the same neighborhood, watch our kids marry and our grandkids play with each other. We’ve tried having a reunion a few times over the last decade or so but it never worked out, largely because I’ve somehow been designated as the one responsible for to keeping us all in touch with one another. As such, I’ve seen how each of the guys has or hasn’t grown and matured, and a couple of them I can only take in small doses now. It’s one thing to talk about how great it would be to reminisce for a weekend, but it’s another thing entirely to get Jerry’s wife to give him permission to do more than just email his old friends, or get Tom to actually commit to leaving his computer and the tiny apartment he shares with his mom for anything more than a trip to the corner liquor store.

Sam, the one who got so upset said, “But these are your closest friends and the ones who are going to be there for you in the long haul!” Well, no, these were the guys who were my closest friends 20 years ago but with whom I now only have distant memories in common. Sam hasn’t had to deal with how Jerry needs to come up with an elaborate lie for his wife while he’s on a business trip just to work in a quick lunch with me at Burger King, or Tom’s stoner paranoia and incessantly spouting lines from TV shows and movies we all watched together two decades but haven’t seen since, or Rob’s frequent lies, betrayals and grudges that last for years at a time. It’s one thing to send Christmas cards and exchange an email or two each year, but another matter entirely to get us all in the same room.

I’m still very close with Sam. We talk at least a couple times each month and see each other once or twice each year. He hasn’t actually talked to any of the other guys in a decade and hasn’t seen any of them in person since the late 90s. However, he still thinks that at some point we’re all going to be able to pick right back up where we left off. None of our kids are the same age. Tom’s in a world all his own and you wouldn’t want your kids around him anyway. Jerry’s wife blames everyone he knew before he met her for everything that ever went wrong in his life. And Rob is just a caustic, dangerous mess.

That group may be something of an extreme example, but after arguing with Sam about our reunion and thinking about how, if not for our shared past I likely wouldn’t want anything to do with the others, I started looking through my Facebook friend list through the same lens. There are some on there I enjoy hearing from and I really do benefit from my contact with them. Others simply annoy and frustrate me. I’ve been friends with some of them for over 30 years, but if not for us being in the same class, living on the same block or our mothers being friends and forcing us together all those years ago, I certainly wouldn’t read some of their comments or talk to them at a cookout and think that they were someone I’d want to spend more time with. I’m really not trying to be judgmental, just ruminating a bit on friendship and the real or implied obligations that go with it. I do find it interesting, though, that a guy with whom I once sat up all night while I talked him out of suicide then gave hundreds of dollars to help him through a couple rough patches is someone I’ve now grown so far apart from that I’m not even guaranteed a response to a text or email.
 
I’ve been living abroad for over a decade now and this has made it more difficult to keep friendships alive. But I have managed and am happy to say that there are people I’ve known for a long time and still consider good friends, despite living at the other end of the world and not being able to see them frequently. A couple of them I went to high school with, one is my former housemate from university years, and a few are from church (we also met during university years.) Whenever I come home for a visit these people are keen to spend time with me and my family and they seem genuinely excited to see me, just like I am to see them. I am so lucky to have these friendships in my life and we would definitely be friends if we met now. 🙂

But there is one person with whom I was friends since childhood and that friendship run its course about a year ago. That was such a shock to me, the rejection and hurt that I felt, although I now see that perhaps this friendship was not what I thought it was. I assume we wouldn’t be friends if we met now. That makes me really sad.

And then there are some other people I was friends with at certain points of my life, with some I still keep in touch but we are not very close. Not sure if we would be friends if we met now.
 
A friend and I were just talking about this!

I have an old friend (male) who I was once very close to. Another friend (female) and my male friend used to be quite close, as well. Lets call him R and her M.

R and M had an affair years ago and they even lived together for a while. He cheated on her and she ended the relationship. He has also cheated on every single other woman he has been with at least since we’ve known him, which is about 20 years now.

R is currently engaged and M is currently married. R’s ex-fiancee and mother of his 3 children passed away unexpectedly. She was a wonderful woman and she and R remained friends and good co-parents. She meant a lot to him.

Of course, M and I called and texted our sympathies and asked if there was anything we could do. R decided to visit M a week or two after the death. M asked me to come over, too, so the three of us could catch up.

What happened? R incessantly flirted with and kept trying to touch M inappropriately. He has behaved this way for years no matter how often she tells him it’s not appropriate, unwelcome, and that she wants to preserve their friendship, but never again let it become more than friends.

M actually asked me to stay later than I wanted to because she didn’t want to be alone with him. A few days later we were talking and I pointed out that R and some other old friends we once cared very much for and were close to aren’t the same people and that we can no longer excuse their current bad behavior simply because they were once very close and loyal friends many years ago.

I have about 2-3 people I was close to years ago that I still consider real friends. The rest are just people I used to know who seem to have changed into people I wouldn’t want to be friends with now because they seem to have no concept of real friendship anymore. A lot of them are selfish people out for a good time and living like overgrown teenagers/early 20 somethings and we’re all well into our 30’s! Not the ind of people I’d call and get assistance from if I were in a pickle, but sure to call and ask me for help if they are…

Ugh! And the drama! You’d think they’d have outgrown it by now, but nope. Every conversation I have had running into those people at other friends homes or on the street revolves around the same he said she said bs from high school as if that ind of thing matters anymore.

I keep my FB to keep in touch with some wonderful folks I have met through gaming or on forums, but I cleared out all the “old friends” who aren’t actually friends.
 
Interesting to ponder. My DH and I had a small issue the other night where we had to think about some of this. We were in a car accident (car totaled; we’re fine; the other car’s total fault). It wasn’t terribly late (10 p.m.) but we needed to call someone for a ride home. We had to really think about who to call. Fortunately, we realized that most of the friends we nixed were mostly because they were a bit too far away and not because we felt we were imposing and would resent our call. It was actually a good feeling to think that R and C would come get us but they live 25 minutes from here so we’ll call E and J because they’re only 10 minutes.

Now my 30th high school reunion was earlier this fall and while it was a nice evening, I realized that there’s a reason I’ve kept in close contact with certain friends and others not. But many in the not group weren’t good friends to begin with.

While I’ve kept up with several of my high school friends, I have little or no contact with college classmates except for one. I never even thought about it but even all of my Facebook acquaintances are from high school or work and I don’t even keep up with college friends at the minimal Facebook level.

Kris
 
The older I get, the more I learn. 🙂 one thing I’ve come to terms with is that we all change, different interests, different life choices, etc. Fact of life is that people grow apart, no one is better or worse, just different. Celebrate the close friends you have and try to fondly remember the friends you’ve had.

A large group of us from high school get together once a year for a one day event. Usually a lunch, or dinner. Just us no spouses. We all still live within driving distance so it’s easy to arrange. We reminisce, we share news, we go home. Most of them that’s as much as I would want to share. Once they were a big part of my life, but high school was a long time ago. :o
 
I don’t think the problem is necessarily Facebook (although I continue to be relieved I do not have an account). I think the problem is Sam, who is failing to accept that friendships cannot be preserved in amber.

“Sorry, Sam. I’m not interested.” That’s the answer you give to someone who is going to argue with your reasons instead of just accepting them. If he goes on and on, you could add: “Sam, people grow in different directions. It is OK. It doesn’t mean any of us failed as people. It means we’re not who we were when we were 20. We need to stick with our wives no matter which direction they end up growing, but we can give everyone else room. So let me decide on how much room to give people, OK? It is not up for discussion, so you’re just going to frustrate yourself by arguing with me.”

Then repeat that last sentence until the arguing behavior is finally extinguished. It’s like the psychology experiment where the goal is to convince the mouse that no matter how many times he hits the little bar, there will be no more peanuts, so be firm and don’t reward his pestering with occasional discussions, or he’ll never quit.
 
Yes. Yes I would. There are only two people I avoided contact with within memory.
One friend turned on me for no apparent reason. The other friend was a crazy wildcat of a man who wanted to keep drinking and partying when he should have focused on holding down a job. (his parents had money)

All the others? Sure.

But I don’t have any super-close friends outside of my family. So maybe that’s why I’m willing to get along with basically everyone.
 
EasterJoy said:
I don’t think the problem is necessarily Facebook (although I continue to be relieved I do not have an account). I think the problem is Sam, who is failing to accept that friendships cannot be preserved in amber.

“Sorry, Sam. I’m not interested.” That’s the answer you give to someone who is going to argue with your reasons instead of just accepting them. If he goes on and on, you could add: “Sam, people grow in different directions. It is OK. It doesn’t mean any of us failed as people. It means we’re not who we were when we were 20. We need to stick with our wives no matter which direction they end up growing, but we can give everyone else room. So let me decide on how much room to give people, OK? It is not up for discussion, so you’re just going to frustrate yourself by arguing with me.”

Then repeat that last sentence until the arguing behavior is finally extinguished. It’s like the psychology experiment where the goal is to convince the mouse that no matter how many times he hits the little bar, there will be no more peanuts, so be firm and don’t reward his pestering with occasional discussions, or he’ll never quit.
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The interesting thing about that group of friends (or annoying, depending on your perspective) is that they all share a lot of Sam’s sentiment that I should somehow be holding the gang together. Rob’s parents both died within a week and a half of one another a couple years ago. I emailed the guys to let them know about it but never received a response other than them asking me to pass on their condolences. I couldn’t make the viewing but I drove the whole family 90 minutes to the funeral, plus I sent flowers and some restaurant gift cards. When they found out about this, the other guys were upset that I didn’t give them the opportunity to contribute to the flowers and gift cards, or that I didn’t at least include their names. I figured that when I included the name and address of the funeral home in the email, I was giving them that opportunity. Rob was upset that I didn’t make more of an effort to include the guys and that I didn’t bring Tom with me. I figured him not having a job, family or any sort of responsibilities meant that he could fend for himself, but some people view the world differently. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve included the line, “You know, a phone works both ways,” in my emails, along with reminders of everyone’s phone numbers.

Class reunions are another matter entirely. Some of the folks I’ve reconnected with have been pleasant surprises. Others have reminded me almost immediately why we weren’t friends back then, while others have left me scratching my head over how we ever could have been friends in the first place. It’s also curious to see how deeply entrenched the old cliques are with some people. I’ll never get the need to hold onto the attitudes and pettiness from a quarter century ago.

One thing that keeps crossing my mind in regards to this is if it’s different for different generations. I have an uncle who had a close-knit group of 7-8 friends all throughout elementary and high school. They stayed in touch after high school, then when they all settled into their adult lives in the same town, they kept seeing each other on a regular basis. They’d meet a couple times a month and if one of them needed help, whether it was financially, handyman work or whatever, they all chipped in and helped out. They kept this up their whole lives, although there’s only 2-3 of them left and instead of beer & pool a couple times a month, it’s now coffee and mall-walking a couple times each week. Several of their kids intermarried, each one was the godparent of at least one of the other’s kids, they were each in each other’s weddings and eventually served as pall bearers for one another.

I look at a cousin of mine now who would describe his current group of friends the same way. None of them grew up together and they all met within the last few years. They all live within a few minutes of one another and they spend most weekends together. I always hear about what a great group of people they are and how my cousin and his wife can count on them for anything. However, any time they actually need help with something, I’m the one they call. I’ll drive the hour or so to get to his house and spend the day helping out, all the while hearing about how this great group of friends either bowed out completely, had something come up at the last minute or just didn’t show up. At the same time, my cousin cuts out on them just as frequently and while they’re all quick to offer each other support and condolences on Facebook, very seldom are any of them at the major life events for one another. When my cousin does have something major, the ones who show up are a handful of family and a couple of the guys who were his closest friends in high school but who seldom hear from him any other time now.
 
Gordon_Sims said:
The interesting thing about that group of friends (or annoying, depending on your perspective) is that they all share a lot of Sam’s sentiment that I should somehow be holding the gang together.
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I think it is sad that these men are grown up and the only way they can keep in touch is through you. I would simply give them each other’s contact information and wish them a pleasant visit

IMO focus too much on the good old days is usually an avoidance of the present. We all have a life now and following Jesus we can trust it is OK
 
Gordon_Sims said:
The interesting thing about that group of friends (or annoying, depending on your perspective) is that they all share a lot of Sam’s sentiment that I should somehow be holding the gang together. Rob’s parents both died within a week and a half of one another a couple years ago. I emailed the guys to let them know about it but never received a response other than them asking me to pass on their condolences. I couldn’t make the viewing but I drove the whole family 90 minutes to the funeral, plus I sent flowers and some restaurant gift cards. When they found out about this, the other guys were upset that I didn’t give them the opportunity to contribute to the flowers and gift cards, or that I didn’t at least include their names. I figured that when I included the name and address of the funeral home in the email, I was giving them that opportunity. Rob was upset that I didn’t make more of an effort to include the guys and that I didn’t bring Tom with me. I figured him not having a job, family or any sort of responsibilities meant that he could fend for himself, but some people view the world differently. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve included the line, “You know, a phone works both ways,” in my emails, along with reminders of everyone’s phone numbers.

Class reunions are another matter entirely. Some of the folks I’ve reconnected with have been pleasant surprises. Others have reminded me almost immediately why we weren’t friends back then, while others have left me scratching my head over how we ever could have been friends in the first place. It’s also curious to see how deeply entrenched the old cliques are with some people. I’ll never get the need to hold onto the attitudes and pettiness from a quarter century ago.

One thing that keeps crossing my mind in regards to this is if it’s different for different generations. I have an uncle who had a close-knit group of 7-8 friends all throughout elementary and high school. They stayed in touch after high school, then when they all settled into their adult lives in the same town, they kept seeing each other on a regular basis. They’d meet a couple times a month and if one of them needed help, whether it was financially, handyman work or whatever, they all chipped in and helped out. They kept this up their whole lives, although there’s only 2-3 of them left and instead of beer & pool a couple times a month, it’s now coffee and mall-walking a couple times each week. Several of their kids intermarried, each one was the godparent of at least one of the other’s kids, they were each in each other’s weddings and eventually served as pall bearers for one another.

I look at a cousin of mine now who would describe his current group of friends the same way. None of them grew up together and they all met within the last few years. They all live within a few minutes of one another and they spend most weekends together. I always hear about what a great group of people they are and how my cousin and his wife can count on them for anything. However, any time they actually need help with something, I’m the one they call. I’ll drive the hour or so to get to his house and spend the day helping out, all the while hearing about how this great group of friends either bowed out completely, had something come up at the last minute or just didn’t show up. At the same time, my cousin cuts out on them just as frequently and while they’re all quick to offer each other support and condolences on Facebook, very seldom are any of them at the major life events for one another. When my cousin does have something major, the ones who show up are a handful of family and a couple of the guys who were his closest friends in high school but who seldom hear from him any other time now.
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You are 100% right. “I have two words for you, guys: Grow Up. I am not your social secretary any more. If I can figure out how to call a florist, you can figure out how to call a florist. If I can get my family to a funeral, you can get your own butts to a funeral.” That they don’t like to hear it doesn’t mean you aren’t on the mark. They need to do some serious mirror-gazing and realize that. If they happen to snag another dependable friend, maybe they won’t p&%$ away his good graces by taking that guy for granted. (They’d better hope he actually comes along. You’re right: the responsible people are getting to be a rare breed.)

What you need to find is a real friend, like you are. Let the rest fend for themselves. There are people who really are in need of alms, but those guys aren’t it. They are social free-loaders, and the gig is up. The Apostle said that those idle brothers who won’t work shouldn’t eat; I think this falls into that category.
 
Outside of dealing with the old gang, Sam’s a good, dependable friend. My wife and I consider him and his wife to be two of our closest friends and we don’t know what we would have done without their support in a few situations. When it comes to the others, though, he falls in line with how they act. I don’t understand it from any of them, but him in particular.

I’ve given them each other’s phone numbers and addresses numerous times. I can’t figure out why they refuse to use them. At the same time, whenever I call one of them and they try to lay a guilt trip on me because I haven’t called in a year, I make sure to follow up by emailing them my phone numbers and reminding them that they’re free to use them whenever they please.

I believe that a lot of how they behave comes from a desire to cling to the past. I know a couple of them aren’t happy with at least some aspect of their current lives. Trying to remember us as we were is likely a lot easier than dealing with their own problems and the changes in the other guys’ personalities (for the record, Sam & I are probably the most like we were then, personality-wise, and the only two whose faith plays a big part in their lives). There have been more than a few times that one of the guys cut me off when I was telling them about a frustrating meeting with one of the others, or the problems one of us is dealing with, only to start reminiscing about things we did years ago. Rob and Jerry are so difficult to talk to about their current lives, in fact, that I couldn’t even guess at what Rob’s kids’ names are, and only know Jerry’s kids’ names because each one shares a name with someone in my family, and his kids are old enough to be on Facebook now so I see them via his page all the time. It’s kind of sad when you think about it, but I quit worrying about it a few years ago when we got our first Christmas card from Jerry in years and he’d left off two of our kids and misspelled the others’ names.
 
Hold your ground; Sam will learn to cope with it. He’ll probably bring it up occasionally, but you can cope with that, perhaps with some affection for his clueless persistence, if you try. Most friendships have some little difference like this, after all. They are usually not fatal to the friendship.
 
i would have to say no to all but one really.

out of my 5 “best” friends

-one wants to see me when im in town, but otherwise wont respond to emails (or facebook messages when i had an account) doesnt call, although ive called him several times, i even commented that we had been driends for ove 25 years once and he responded “well, 15, cause you moved away” which hurt my feelings.

-one was my bandmate and best man in my wedding, havent seen him in almost 10 years and we dont have contact, plus he’s still doing the same things he was 15 years ago.

-one completely disappeared, i searched for him for years and finally found him but his parents said he had lost his mind and was living in central america. hes the one i miss the most.

-my last best friend, after many ups and downs, wont talk to me anymore. hes an alcoholic and a job hopper, he ditched me during a troubling tome in my life and i messaged him that i wasnt mad but he wont talk to me.

-the person i still see and talk to was my wifes and i’s roommate, shes very cool and understanding about life and is the only one that ended up with a normal life/marriage/kids, etc. i think my wife and i are still friends with her because we dont expect anything from each other and dont judge each other.

the main thread with all my male frinds is that they are in their late 30s, living carefree, irresponsible (miserable jobs/no stability), and might be jealous of the life my wife and i have achieved together.

i dont know.

but if i met them today i wouldnt get near them or their toxic lives with a 10 foot pole.
 
EasterJoy said:
Hold your ground; Sam will learn to cope with it. He’ll probably bring it up occasionally, but you can cope with that, perhaps with some affection for his clueless persistence, if you try. Most friendships have some little difference like this, after all. They are usually not fatal to the friendship.
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That’s how it usually is with him. It’s when something comes up or I send an email to the whole group that things get to be annoying. He acts as though I still see these guys regularly, and spend my weekends with them at all our old hangouts, most of which went out of business or were even torn down years ago. I get the same from the rest occasionally. Then again, I’m the only one of the bunch who hasn’t gone through a mid-life crisis, 7 year itch, or age/time-based personal crisis. Twenty was fun but I don’t need to relive it.
 
ZxM said:
the main thread with all my male frinds is that they are in their late 30s, living carefree, irresponsible (miserable jobs/no stability), and might be jealous of the life my wife and i have achieved together.

i dont know.

but if i met them today i wouldnt get near them or their toxic lives with a 10 foot pole.
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My wife and I were talking about this in regard to her friends and we were hard-pressed to find more than one or two of her childhood friends that either of us would like to see now. We’ve seen enough of their fights, affairs, divorces, rehabs, drunken messes, etc. on Facebook that we don’t need to see it up close.
 
I don’t keep friendships that turn toxic. I hate drama, and just plain stopped speaking to them. In the end, I have one real friend. But I treasure that relationship greatly. We don’t have the chance to talk with each other often, but when we do we pick back up where we were each time.
 
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but in almost every post you talk about how wrong/bad/immoral/crazy/mean/fill in the blank with negative adjective everyone around you is. Every stranger you encounter is rude, your extended family are all immoral and trying to corrupt your family, your kids friends run wild and have no respect for anyone, and your friends are unrepentant sinners that you wouldn’t be friends with now. I wonder if maybe you should try to relax and see more of the good in people. Even people who think and believe very differently than you can still be good, have a lot of positive qualities, and be enjoyable to be around. I’ve never seen a post of yours that was positive towards anyone but your wife and kids. Of course there’s a chance that I’m misreading everything online, but if you really are this negative in person it is possible that people are just responding to that negativity.

In response to your question, no, I don’t have any friends that I wouldn’t be friends with if I met them for the first time now. The people that do fit that description I drifted away from years ago.

However, interestingly enough, I’ve reconnected with a few people via Facebook that I knew in high school or college that I was never friends with then. In fact, a few I didn’t even like back then! But now that we’ve grown up and matured we have everything in common. I really wish that I saw what good and interesting people they were back then, because now we live so far apart I can only see them once every year or so.
 
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