Would you still be friends if you met them now?

[EasterJoy]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but… I’ve never seen a post of yours that was positive towards anyone but your wife and kids.

Yeah, Gordon, don’t take that the wrong way. Please. It was only an innocent observation, meant in the most positive and nonjudgmental way.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yeah, Gordon, don’t take that the wrong way. Please. It was only an innocent observation, meant in the most positive and nonjudgmental way.

I’m serious, most of his posts are pretty negative about everyone around him. If that’s how he feels in real life and that attitude is displayed, that might be part of the problem.

I meant “Don’t take this the wrong way” as “Hey, this isn’t an insult, but it’s something I’ve noticed and it may be beneficial to look at it”.

Or is gently pointing something like that out to someone so totally wrong?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m serious, most of his posts are pretty negative about everyone around him. If that’s how he feels in real life and that attitude is displayed, that might be part of the problem.

I meant “Don’t take this the wrong way” as “Hey, this isn’t an insult, but it’s something I’ve noticed and it may be beneficial to look at it”.

Or is gently pointing something like that out to someone so totally wrong?

I would not call the way you did it “gentle”. My husband taught me to be very careful to avoid the use of “always”, “never”, and “everyone.” Besides, for all you know his entire extended family is totally immoral (it is hardly beyond the realm of possibility) and it may be that he does not feel a need to vent here about total strangers who exercise the good manners he expects from himself as a matter of course. Depending on the high school he went to or the city he is living in, he and his wife really may only know two or three other people with whom they can be themselves. It is not that uncommon.

Honestly, I am glad I was never on Facebook. There are many people who might feel they need to keep in touch with me and, no offense, but we really don’t need to keep in touch. They have a happy life, they’re moral people, but we have nothing else in common but the high school that our parents sent us to. We would get along in a grocery line or in the same ministry at church if we were to meet for the first time now, but we wouldn’t socialize except as parish or school activities brought us together–and those are the people with whom I share life values! I can’t imagine what it would be like with some of the people I sat in class with in college.

It is not a “problem” to have a small social circle. It is OK to have a large one, if that is what everyone wants, but it is totally OK to have a small one. It is also not a problem to decide to limit the number of people for whom you drive a long distance for regular social interaction. It is OK to find talk about someone else’s mid-life crisis a bore, too. We cannot possibly be everyone’s “friend”. Charity is justly required for those who need it, but some of us do far better if we limit friendships that exist primarily for the sake of mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. That is OK.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would not call the way you did it “gentle”. My husband taught me to be very careful to avoid the use of “always”, “never”, and “everyone.” Besides, for all you know his entire extended family is totally immoral (it is hardly beyond the realm of possibility) and it may be that he does not feel a need to vent here about total strangers who exercise the good manners he expects from himself as a matter of course. Depending on the high school he went to or the city he is living in, he and his wife really may only know two or three other people with whom they can be themselves. It is not that uncommon.

Precisely why I left open the possibility that I was misreading everything and that I was wrong. Of course you conveniently cut that part out when quoting me.

Honestly, I am glad I was never on Facebook. There are many people who might feel they need to keep in touch with me and, no offense, but we really don’t need to keep in touch. They have a happy life, they’re moral people, but we have nothing else in common but the high school that our parents sent us to. We would get along in a grocery line or in the same ministry at church if we were to meet for the first time now, but we wouldn’t socialize except as parish or school activities brought us together–and those are the people with whom I share life values! I can’t imagine what it would be like with some of the people I sat in class with in college.

Ok. Not sure where all that is coming from.

It is not a “problem” to have a small social circle. It is OK to have a large one, if that is what everyone wants, but it is totally OK to have a small one. It is also not a problem to decide to limit the number of people for whom you drive a long distance for regular social interaction. It is OK to find talk about someone else’s mid-life crisis a bore, too. We cannot possibly be everyone’s “friend”. Charity is justly required for those who need it, but some of us do far better if we limit friendships that exist primarily for the sake of mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. That is OK.

Never said it wasn’t. I’m a pretty introverted myself and I have a small social circle. It’s totally fine.

I’m really not sure what you’re driving at here. I’m not lecturing him about making more friends or anything of the sort. I was just pointing out that every time he posts on these boards it is something negative about someone that he knows. Whether it be a guy at the store, his family, old friends, whoever, but there is never anything positive. If this pattern is something that he does in real life, it might be part of his problem. And let’s face it, it is not out of the realm of possibility. We all know poeple who are very negative and never see the good in anyone.

I’m thinking you just wanted a chance to call me out and argue, because you’re addressing points that I never made, and you’re turning what I said into something awful.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m really not sure what you’re driving at here. I’m not lecturing him about making more friends or anything of the sort. I was just pointing out that every time he posts on these boards it is something negative about someone that he knows. Whether it be a guy at the store, his family, old friends, whoever, but there is never anything positive. If this pattern is something that he does in real life, it might be part of his problem. And let’s face it, it is not out of the realm of possibility. We all know poeple who are very negative and never see the good in anyone.

I’m thinking you just wanted a chance to call me out and argue, because you’re addressing points that I never made, and you’re turning what I said into something awful.

When you say “it might be part of his problem”, what on earth “problem” are you referring to, then? What are you lecturing him about, exactly? My impression (and why I chimed in) was that you seem to think that your opinion that he is too negative is somehow “his problem”. I chimed in because I don’t find him negative and I don’t think he ought to feel he has a “problem”. As for the “don’t take this the wrong way, but”, that is my clue that you were very much aware that what you were about to say was something he was likely to take as an attack on him.

As for the part about which you said, “I’m not sure where that is coming from”, I was referring to the post that introduced the thread, which I assume must be where the negativity you are referring to was introduced. I didn’t find his topic to be negative at all, and I doubt I’d find him negative if I knew him in person. If no one in this world drives you nuts, that’s just fine, but having to deal with people who drive you nuts does not mean you are a “negative” person.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

When you say “it might be part of his problem”, what on earth “problem” are you referring to, then? What are you lecturing him about, exactly? My impression (and why I chimed in) was that you seem to think that your opinion that he is too negative is somehow “his problem”. I chimed in because I don’t find him negative and I don’t think he ought to feel he has a “problem”. As for the “don’t take this the wrong way, but”, that is my clue that you were very much aware that what you were about to say was something he was likely to take as an attack on him.

As for the part about which you said, “I’m not sure where that is coming from”, I was referring to the post that introduced the thread, which I assume must be where the negativity you are referring to was introduced. I didn’t find his topic to be negative at all, and I doubt I’d find him negative if I knew him in person. If no one in this world drives you nuts, that’s just fine, but having to deal with people who drive you nuts does not mean you are a “negative” person.

I don’t know if you’re feeling particularly combative today or what, but you don’t seem to actually want to read what I type, so I’ll make this post short and sweet:

There is nothing wrong about wanting to vent, or wanting to stay away from certain people. However, if you find yourself in a position where everyone drives you nuts or is difficult to get along with or impossible to be around, then it may be time to consider that it is not the rest of the world that has a problem. I noticed, based on his posts over a long period of time, that the OP may fall into that category, in which case, it’s just something to think about. I also could be completely off, which I stated in my first post, in which case, he can ignore what I said.

That’s it. That’s all I said. Now, if the OP is really hurt or offended by what I said, he can tell me, and I’ll respond to him. But this is getting nutty.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but in almost every post you talk about how wrong/bad/immoral/crazy/mean/fill in the blank with negative adjective everyone around you is. Every stranger you encounter is rude, your extended family are all immoral and trying to corrupt your family, your kids friends run wild and have no respect for anyone, and your friends are unrepentant sinners that you wouldn’t be friends with now. I wonder if maybe you should try to relax and see more of the good in people. Even people who think and believe very differently than you can still be good, have a lot of positive qualities, and be enjoyable to be around. I’ve never seen a post of yours that was positive towards anyone but your wife and kids. Of course there’s a chance that I’m misreading everything online, but if you really are this negative in person it is possible that people are just responding to that negativity.

In response to your question, no, I don’t have any friends that I wouldn’t be friends with if I met them for the first time now. The people that do fit that description I drifted away from years ago.

However, interestingly enough, I’ve reconnected with a few people via Facebook that I knew in high school or college that I was never friends with then. In fact, a few I didn’t even like back then! But now that we’ve grown up and matured we have everything in common. I really wish that I saw what good and interesting people they were back then, because now we live so far apart I can only see them once every year or so.

Truly, no offense taken. I do mention some of the good people in our lives from time to time, but most of what I talk about on here are the squeaky wheels. As far as my friends go, I only mentioned that one of them still values his faith because this is a Catholic forum and it’s something we have in common. I don’t think that’s central to some of the issues with the other three, but I think it’s part of why Sam & I are still close (not our faith entirely but because we still have a great deal in common and have taken similar paths in our lives). With the other three, there’s been a lot of negative changes (or worse, no change/growth at all), betrayals and other negative experiences. I still like seeing two of those three even though it can be annoying and depressing. It’s funny that I’ve focused so much on this group of friends because most of what I was thinking of when I posted this was the list of people on Facebook who, if we didn’t have that shared past, are folks I probably wouldn’t have patience for and who I’m sure feel the same about me (a couple have told me so). Like you, though, there are some who I either had no interaction with in high school, or who I even despised but are now some of the people I most look forward to hearing from on there.

As far as my family goes, the ones I mention most truly have gone above and beyond what anyone else would consider normal or even sane to harm me and my family. I don’t even mention the really bad stuff because anyone who knows me would know who I’m talking about, and to be honest, it’s so absolutely nuts that it strains credibility. Those in my family who do still associate with these folks dread the holidays because they know how upset they’re going to be after spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. At the same time, they inexplicably go back each year, defend these morons when we refuse to go and tell us that we’re hurting ourselves by not taking our kids around them and putting them in an unhealthy and abusive situation. They take all the fun out of dysfunctional.

I’m actually a very positive person. This is in spite of some unbelievably difficult hardships we’ve been going through. My wife & I are very close to the people in our lives who are supportive and accepting. Even with the family members we cut ties with, I was still going out of my way to help and support a bunch of them as recently as a month or two before we’d had enough. My friends all know, even these guys who annoy the life out of me at times, that all they have to do is pick up the phone and I’ll be there to help them. Despite all these horrible things we’ve dealt with, and even when I know that the best I can hope for from the coming day is to be kicked repeatedly and run through the wringer, I still get up with a positive attitude and promise myself to do the best I can to get through it. In my real life I do everything I can to let that positivity come through. At some point, though, I need a chance to vent my frustrations, and it’s a lot easier to do that in the handful of online forums I belong to than to burden my family and friends with it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Truly, no offense taken. I do mention some of the good people in our lives from time to time, but most of what I talk about on here are the squeaky wheels. As far as my friends go, I only mentioned that one of them still values his faith because this is a Catholic forum and it’s something we have in common. I don’t think that’s central to some of the issues with the other three, but I think it’s part of why Sam & I are still close (not our faith entirely but because we still have a great deal in common and have taken similar paths in our lives). With the other three, there’s been a lot of negative changes (or worse, no change/growth at all), betrayals and other negative experiences. I still like seeing two of those three even though it can be annoying and depressing. It’s funny that I’ve focused so much on this group of friends because most of what I was thinking of when I posted this was the list of people on Facebook who, if we didn’t have that shared past, are folks I probably wouldn’t have patience for and who I’m sure feel the same about me (a couple have told me so). Like you, though, there are some who I either had no interaction with in high school, or who I even despised but are now some of the people I most look forward to hearing from on there.

As far as my family goes, the ones I mention most truly have gone above and beyond what anyone else would consider normal or even sane to harm me and my family. I don’t even mention the really bad stuff because anyone who knows me would know who I’m talking about, and to be honest, it’s so absolutely nuts that it strains credibility. Those in my family who do still associate with these folks dread the holidays because they know how upset they’re going to be after spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. At the same time, they inexplicably go back each year, defend these morons when we refuse to go and tell us that we’re hurting ourselves by not taking our kids around them and putting them in an unhealthy and abusive situation. They take all the fun out of dysfunctional.

I’m actually a very positive person. This is in spite of some unbelievably difficult hardships we’ve been going through. My wife & I are very close to the people in our lives who are supportive and accepting. Even with the family members we cut ties with, I was still going out of my way to help and support a bunch of them as recently as a month or two before we’d had enough. My friends all know, even these guys who annoy the life out of me at times, that all they have to do is pick up the phone and I’ll be there to help them. Despite all these horrible things we’ve dealt with, and even when I know that the best I can hope for from the coming day is to be kicked repeatedly and run through the wringer, I still get up with a positive attitude and promise myself to do the best I can to get through it. In my real life I do everything I can to let that positivity come through. At some point, though, I need a chance to vent my frustrations, and it’s a lot easier to do that in the handful of online forums I belong to than to burden my family and friends with it.

Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, the last few days have been crazy for me.

I’m glad to hear that you have some good people in your lives that you’re close too. A large, dynamic social circle isn’t a necessity, but having a few close people that you love and can rely on is.

I’m sorry if my initial assessment was off, and from the sounds of it, it was.

 

[Demetra2]

In answer to the OP’s original question, I have to admit that as I have grown in my Catholic faith, I have grown away from many old friends. I still see them on occasion and can have an enjoyable evening with them but in small doses. And I know that we are very different people with different political and spiritual beliefs. Actually they make me sad because most of my old friends are in the dark when it comes to Truth. The Truth of course being Jesus and the way we must live our lives if we are believers. Most of my old friends don’t care much for God or the church. I really have very little in common with these people now but I do care about them and pray for them. If the moment is right I share my joy about being Catholic with them and hope that I have planted a seed of faith.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

On the flip side of my original question, I do have one friend whose life took a decidedly different path than mine. On the surface, especially after I came back to the Church, you’d think there was no way he and I would be friends if we met a couple years ago, but despite huge chasms between us in a lot of areas, we still had a lot in common and enjoyed staying in touch once we reconnected. He was about as anti-Catholic and anti-religion as possible when we rekindled our friendship, but we both respected each other’s viewpoints and opinions and not once was this ever a problem. I’m not one to overtly evangelize to anyone, but I’d mention my faith to him occasionally and let him know I was praying for him when he went through difficult times. I won’t claim to be responsible (I have no idea what brought about certain changes in him), but by the time he passed away a year or so ago he had changed his religion on Facebook from atheist to agnostic, had greatly toned down and cut back on the frequency of his anti-Catholic rhetoric and would occasionally mention that he was on a spiritual journey or searching for some deeper meaning. I was never able to get him into a serious discussion about this and would have liked it if he’d had more time to work through whatever he was going through, but one of the things I took comfort in after he died was that he had at least had something of a softening in his heart from a religion/faith point of view. It encouraged me to continue mentioning my faith, at least to the degree that I do, and to not be ashamed to let someone I know that I’m praying for them when they need it.

 

[Demetra2]

On the flip side of my original question, I do have one friend whose life took a decidedly different path than mine. On the surface, especially after I came back to the Church, you’d think there was no way he and I would be friends if we met a couple years ago, but despite huge chasms between us in a lot of areas, we still had a lot in common and enjoyed staying in touch once we reconnected. He was about as anti-Catholic and anti-religion as possible when we rekindled our friendship, but we both respected each other’s viewpoints and opinions and not once was this ever a problem. I’m not one to overtly evangelize to anyone, but I’d mention my faith to him occasionally and let him know I was praying for him when he went through difficult times. I won’t claim to be responsible (I have no idea what brought about certain changes in him), but by the time he passed away a year or so ago he had changed his religion on Facebook from atheist to agnostic, had greatly toned down and cut back on the frequency of his anti-Catholic rhetoric and would occasionally mention that he was on a spiritual journey or searching for some deeper meaning. I was never able to get him into a serious discussion about this and would have liked it if he’d had more time to work through whatever he was going through, but one of the things I took comfort in after he died was that he had at least had something of a softening in his heart from a religion/faith point of view. It encouraged me to continue mentioning my faith, at least to the degree that I do, and to not be ashamed to let someone I know that I’m praying for them when they need it.

Thank you for sharing that story. It is only important that we try to plant a seed which you did in the spirit of friendship and love for Christ. We may never know the final result but that is in God’s hands. There is so much work to do concerning evangelization. It boggles the mind but with God’s help we can try to mirror Christ. Often times actions speak louder than words.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m changing my answer.

The more I thought about it, I had to conclude that there were a lot of guys I knew from 6th - 9th grade that I don’t want to see again. Basically all my friends at that time. They weren’t particularly nice to me, or to each other. A number of times I felt betrayed by one or more of them.

Could I get back together with one or a number of them? Maybe, but even after 30+ years I’d want to clear the air over a few things that happened back then.