G
Gordon_Sims
Guest
Over the past year I’ve had several long conversations with my best friend’s wife about various problems we’ve been dealing with. One related issue is pornography and the various attitudes and levels of use/abuse/addiction certain people in our lives have in regards to it and related things like strip clubs, etc. One thing we have in common is that it has caused huge problems in both our lives. Another thing we have in common is that it’s something that we’ve each eliminated as an influence in our own homes and lives. While we both still struggle with friends and family members who see it as either a minor issue or healthy outlet and continue to try to force it on us, we’ve at least managed to ensure that it’s no longer allowed in our homes in any form, and isn’t used or viewed by anyone in our immediate families.
At least, that’s what she thinks.
Her husband has had a huge problem with porn since we were kids. Even when I believed that pornography addiction was a myth, I could see how it was causing issues in his life and relationships. After they got married it got much worse. He would spend hundreds of dollars per month on it, even when they were both unemployed, and at one point had a stash consisting of thousands of magazines and hundreds of videotapes & DVD’s, not to mention everything that was stored on his computers, each of which had additional hard drives just to help store his porn. It led to major problems in their marriage numerous times. His wife took a stand several years ago and forced him to get rid of all his magazines and videos. Instead of actually selling them, he traded them in for store credit at a porn shop and just came home with a collection that was only marginally smaller than what he left with. She eventually got all the magazines and videos out of the house, but that just led to more and larger hard drives and more time spent on porn sites. She took another big stand a couple years ago and he finally admitted to her that he had a problem and agreed to delete everything from their computers and quit going to those sites.
While things were good for a short time, he obviously never actually deleted everything. She had no clue the full extent of his collection, so when he deleted the easy to find stuff in the documents folder of his PC, she had no idea that he had numerous hidden hard drives not only on his PC but hers and their son’s as well. And while he deleted all his favorites from IE, she didn’t know that he could still access those sites using other browsers. On a couple occasions, he’s told me in detail all the ways he still gets to and hides his porn (he was bragging that he still uses it indiscriminately despite her objections).
From what she’s told me, a lot of the problems they’re dealing with now are identical to the problems they were having when he was open about his porn use. She believes it’s just lingering effects of his nearly three decade addiction, as well as the negative influence from certain friends and the media in general. He acknowledges that they’re having issues, but he blames her for a variety of reasons (one of which is her attitude toward porn) and has never truly admitted he has a problem; when he told her that he did, it was simply to get her off his back. It’s clear to me that the porn is still a cause of at least some of their problems; however, everything each of them has told me was in confidence and I’m hesitant to get in the middle. The one time I suggested to her that he might not have cleaned up his act, she got a bit angry with me, so I’m worried that if I say something directly it could harm our friendships. At the same time, though, it’s difficult seeing her suffer, especially when she’s sure that she successfully eliminated this from their lives. While I should probably mind my own business, it’s hard not to speak up when she tells me how grateful to God she is for helping them overcome these problems. This has been eating at me for a while so I thought I’d ask for some opinions.
At least, that’s what she thinks.
Her husband has had a huge problem with porn since we were kids. Even when I believed that pornography addiction was a myth, I could see how it was causing issues in his life and relationships. After they got married it got much worse. He would spend hundreds of dollars per month on it, even when they were both unemployed, and at one point had a stash consisting of thousands of magazines and hundreds of videotapes & DVD’s, not to mention everything that was stored on his computers, each of which had additional hard drives just to help store his porn. It led to major problems in their marriage numerous times. His wife took a stand several years ago and forced him to get rid of all his magazines and videos. Instead of actually selling them, he traded them in for store credit at a porn shop and just came home with a collection that was only marginally smaller than what he left with. She eventually got all the magazines and videos out of the house, but that just led to more and larger hard drives and more time spent on porn sites. She took another big stand a couple years ago and he finally admitted to her that he had a problem and agreed to delete everything from their computers and quit going to those sites.
While things were good for a short time, he obviously never actually deleted everything. She had no clue the full extent of his collection, so when he deleted the easy to find stuff in the documents folder of his PC, she had no idea that he had numerous hidden hard drives not only on his PC but hers and their son’s as well. And while he deleted all his favorites from IE, she didn’t know that he could still access those sites using other browsers. On a couple occasions, he’s told me in detail all the ways he still gets to and hides his porn (he was bragging that he still uses it indiscriminately despite her objections).
From what she’s told me, a lot of the problems they’re dealing with now are identical to the problems they were having when he was open about his porn use. She believes it’s just lingering effects of his nearly three decade addiction, as well as the negative influence from certain friends and the media in general. He acknowledges that they’re having issues, but he blames her for a variety of reasons (one of which is her attitude toward porn) and has never truly admitted he has a problem; when he told her that he did, it was simply to get her off his back. It’s clear to me that the porn is still a cause of at least some of their problems; however, everything each of them has told me was in confidence and I’m hesitant to get in the middle. The one time I suggested to her that he might not have cleaned up his act, she got a bit angry with me, so I’m worried that if I say something directly it could harm our friendships. At the same time, though, it’s difficult seeing her suffer, especially when she’s sure that she successfully eliminated this from their lives. While I should probably mind my own business, it’s hard not to speak up when she tells me how grateful to God she is for helping them overcome these problems. This has been eating at me for a while so I thought I’d ask for some opinions.
