Would you tell your friend's wife?

[Gordon_Sims]

Does your wife even know that your best friend’s wife is emailing you regarding private issues?

If your wife doesn’t know you are emailing each other regarding relationship issues then I think this is very wrong. How would you feel if your wife would see your best friend or will be emailing him regarding personal matters such as these without your consent.

I hate to say this but many infidelities start out as friendship, why put your marriage at risk.

Yes, and she reads them all. Most of them come through Facebook anymore and I read them in front of her. She has given me full consent to share all this with my wife on numerous occasions. She fully expects that I’ll discuss anything we talk about with my wife, although I never ask my wife what the two of them what they talk about when us guys go out. She’s free to tell me, and usually does, but I don’t intrude on their relationship. Outside of this one issue, the four of us are extremely open with one another. My wife feels better about me talking to my friend’s wife than she does with me talking to a counselor.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Suppose he was using drugs or an alcoholic and his wife believed he was clean and sober after going through hell with him. He has a “stash” hidden here and there in the house. Look at it as if it was drugs, would he have a stash in his son’s toys or sports equipment? And brag about it?

You have, unfortunately, become a party to his (selfish) lies and deceptions. It is a tough situation, but I would tell him that I am going to have to tell her the entire truth and all that he has done as well as his attitude towards the porn (he doesn’t see it as his problem), since he seems to want to continue.

Her anger or disbelief is the least of your worries, I fear. Be prepared to lose both their friendships. But, in my estimation, a friend who lies and deceives his family on such a grand scale would not deserve my friendship.

Just because someone has been a close friend of mine for years, does not mean I stay friends with them when they refuse to do the right thing for their wife, son, daughter, mother, father, etc. He is abusing the trust if his family.

Honestly, I think it is possible their marriage could end in divorce eventually. So it’s going to be a bumpy ride anyway. Your friend’s wife might be angry at you now, but at least you will not have covered up for your friend.

 

[VivienneJ]

Over the past year I’ve had several long conversations with my best friend’s wife about various problems we’ve been dealing with. One related issue is pornography and the various attitudes and levels of use/abuse/addiction certain people in our lives have in regards to it and related things like strip clubs, etc. One thing we have in common is that it has caused huge problems in both our lives. Another thing we have in common is that it’s something that we’ve each eliminated as an influence in our own homes and lives. While we both still struggle with friends and family members who see it as either a minor issue or healthy outlet and continue to try to force it on us, we’ve at least managed to ensure that it’s no longer allowed in our homes in any form, and isn’t used or viewed by anyone in our immediate families.

I have huge difficulty understanding this depth of communication between a man and a woman about difficulties in the relationships they have with their respective spouses. From what I have read in your further posts this works well between the four of you, so there is no need for me to understand it. But I still suggest you limit your communication with your friend’s wife on this issue in some way. How? I really don’t know, perhaps just listen to her, don’t initiate this type of discussion; you will have to figure this out because you are the one who understands how this complex relationship works.

While things were good for a short time, he obviously never actually deleted everything. She had no clue the full extent of his collection, so when he deleted the easy to find stuff in the documents folder of his PC, she had no idea that he had numerous hidden hard drives not only on his PC but hers and their son’s as well. And while he deleted all his favorites from IE, she didn’t know that he could still access those sites using other browsers. On a couple occasions, he’s told me in detail all the ways he still gets to and hides his porn (he was bragging that he still uses it indiscriminately despite her objections).

This ^ is where I’d focus. Refuse to listen to your friend’s bragging; tell him of the harm he is doing to himself, his wife and son. Get him to clean up their computers. If he needs to keep his stuff on his computer, that’s his problem - but having it on theirs is unacceptable.

While I should probably mind my own business, it’s hard not to speak up when she tells me how grateful to God she is for helping them overcome these problems. This has been eating at me for a while so I thought I’d ask for some opinions.

Perhaps when she next tells you how grateful she is to God, you could suggest that, “I know this may be hard to hear, but, are you sure these problems have been totally overcome?” Let her figure it out, in fact, she may suspect and be trying to ask without asking.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I have huge difficulty understanding this depth of communication between a man and a woman about difficulties in the relationships they have with their respective spouses. From what I have read in your further posts this works well between the four of you, so there is no need for me to understand it. But I still suggest you limit your communication with your friend’s wife on this issue in some way. How? I really don’t know, perhaps just listen to her, don’t initiate this type of discussion; you will have to figure this out because you are the one who understands how this complex relationship works.

We’re nowhere near as close to anyone else, save for a couple family members, as we are to them. The bulk of our discussion about this and other sensitive matters springs from talking about something else, so it’s not like I’m calling and asking about this or vice versa. Still, it comes up often enough that it’s clearly still a problem for them and I don’t like to see them going through this.

This ^ is where I’d focus. Refuse to listen to your friend’s bragging; tell him of the harm he is doing to himself, his wife and son. Get him to clean up their computers. If he needs to keep his stuff on his computer, that’s his problem - but having it on theirs is unacceptable.

I’ve told him repeatedly that it’s not an appropriate topic, that it’s disgusting, shameful, etc. Unlike his wife, he will bring this up as a main topic of conversation, although he’ll just as often veer off into it from an unrelated topic. The funny thing is that, in pretty much every other area of his life, he’s the most level-headed, mature friend I have; when it comes to this, he’s still like a 14-year-old kid who just found his dad’s stash of dirty movies. Like I said, I’ve encouraged him to get rid of it altogether. I don’t know that he’ll do that unless his wife or son somehow catch him in a lie or find his hidden files.

Perhaps when she next tells you how grateful she is to God, you could suggest that, “I know this may be hard to hear, but, are you sure these problems have been totally overcome?” Let her figure it out, in fact, she may suspect and be trying to ask without asking.

I’ve said something similar, which only got her upset. That’s why I’ve been trying to provide her with examples that show things aren’t quite like he’s claiming. I think she misreads some of what my wife & I say, although some of it could be deliberate. Then again, she could be telling her family the same thing hoping that one of us sets her straight and tells her what she already knows. It would be an easy way to provide herself a scapegoat.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Suppose he was using drugs or an alcoholic and his wife believed he was clean and sober after going through hell with him. He has a “stash” hidden here and there in the house. Look at it as if it was drugs, would he have a stash in his son’s toys or sports equipment? And brag about it?

If he had drugs, you would tell on him to his wife? What would that accomplish? A wife is not a mother, nor a babysitter. If this man is not repentant, it is not clear to me how it will be advantageous for his wife to find out in this way.

Openness saves marriages. Shaming doesn’t.

I agree that the wife should know, but I don’t think it’s your place to tell her.

 

[DoGodsBidding]

I’ve told him repeatedly that it’s not an appropriate topic, that it’s disgusting, shameful, etc. Unlike his wife, he will bring this up as a main topic of conversation, although he’ll just as often veer off into it from an unrelated topic. The funny thing is that, in pretty much every other area of his life, he’s the most level-headed, mature friend I have; when it comes to this, he’s still like a 14-year-old kid who just found his dad’s stash of dirty movies. Like I said, I’ve encouraged him to get rid of it altogether. I don’t know that he’ll do that unless his wife or son somehow catch him in a lie or find his hidden files.

Makes me wonder if his son hasn’t already found the hidden stash on his computer.

DGB

 

[MJJean]

You said your wife is fully aware of your conversations with your BF’s wife, but is she aware of your BF’s porn problem including it’s extent and that it is ongoing? Have you asked her for advice? She knows all of you much better than we do and maybe she’d have some insight.

Honestly, I’m the kind of person that hears this stuff from a friend often enough and I get to the point where I say flat out “This is a real and serious problem. Either you tell your spouse or I will. You have a week.” end of discussion. If said friend doesn’t like it, tough.

Also, I doubt this friend will get this thing licked by himself. He’s been mired in a certain thought process for over 30 years. He’s not likely to find ways out of it without professional help. Have you suggested he see a therapist on his own? ( you might have mentioned that, but the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet so I don’t remember)

 

[gardenswithkids]

Makes me wonder if his son hasn’t already found the hidden stash on his computer.

DGB

Me too–and the comment about the best friend being “like a 14 yo boy who just found his dad’s stash” also makes me wonder if this is a multi-generational problem that goes way, way back for his family. If the friend admits his own porn use is a bad thing that might also mean facing uncomfortable facts about his beloved father, grandfathers, and/or uncles, etc.

This may sound off topic, but…I suggest that GordenS have a Mass said for his friends’ deceased relatives, who may be spending time in purgatory for bringing and spreading this habit in your friend’s family. Your friend likely was that boy who one day long ago had his innocence stolen. We can’t give him his innocence back, but Jesus can do something to help your friend’s entire family–living and deceased. Sin doesn’t happen in isolation, and neither does sanctification. Have a Mass said for those who introduced your friend to porn.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

If he had drugs, you would tell on him to his wife? What would that accomplish? A wife is not a mother, nor a babysitter. If this man is not repentant, it is not clear to me how it will be advantageous for his wife to find out in this way.

Openness saves marriages. Shaming doesn’t.

I agree that the wife should know, but I don’t think it’s your place to tell her.

What do you mean “tell on him”?! Since when is it alright to continue listen to one party tell you how they are hurting another party deliberately? Since when it is alright for you to cover for someone when you know they are doing wrong, coming to you and bragging, won’t face that it is wrong, increasingly looks ways to hide what he is doing? Not saying anything, listening, ignoring the signs, being loyal and waiting for things to change on their own is just digging yourself into a deeper hole and becoming an enabler and acompliance.

And, yes, you bet your life if I had a friend with a drug problem that his family thought he was over and he practically bragged to me that he had successfully found a way to hide his drugs throughout the house, including using his son to do it, I would not rely on him to see the light all by himself and I would let him know that either he or I was going to tell his wife. It just might save his life and maybe his marriage, although saving the marriage might be tough after all the lies.

Good friends don’t worry about “telling on” someone. It is very doubtfull tnis man will open up to his wife on his own. He deliberately undermines any openess in his marriage. If the OP tells him either you tell her or I will, perhaps that might force him into openess. If it does not, the only moral option, IMHO, is to tell the wife.

 

[bmaj]

You said your wife is fully aware of your conversations with your BF’s wife, but is she aware of your BF’s porn problem including it’s extent and that it is ongoing? Have you asked her for advice? She knows all of you much better than we do and maybe she’d have some insight.

Honestly, I’m the kind of person that hears this stuff from a friend often enough and I get to the point where I say flat out “This is a real and serious problem. Either you tell your spouse or I will. You have a week.” end of discussion. If said friend doesn’t like it, tough.

Also, I doubt this friend will get this thing licked by himself. He’s been mired in a certain thought process for over 30 years. He’s not likely to find ways out of it without professional help. Have you suggested he see a therapist on his own? ( you might have mentioned that, but the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet so I don’t remember)

I’d have to agree with MJJean, Gordon. I also wonder, if your wife does know how serious the friend’s problem is, how on earth is she even able to be around him when the four of you are together??? As a wife, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him just knowing the way he looks at porn so much and also as a result must look at other women in that same horribly objectifying way. I know there are friends of my husband who use porn, and I cannot go anywhere near them. It makes me cringe just to hear their names spoken. I have a feeling your friend’s wife likely needs your wife’s friendship for female support much more than you need your friend’s comraderie - especially because she has to live with him and his sinful habit (even if part of her might think it’s in the past).
Another thing to consider is the fact that there could even be some child porn in that huge stash your friend has, whether he knows it or admits it or not. And if that is ever discovered by the authorities, he could do time in jail. Not something to take lightly.
Please know that you are all in my prayers for assistance in this very difficult dilemma.

 

[MJJean]

What do you mean “tell on him”?! Since when is it alright to continue listen to one party tell you how they are hurting another party deliberately? Since when it is alright for you to cover for someone when you know they are doing wrong, coming to you and bragging, won’t face that it is wrong, increasingly looks ways to hide what he is doing? Not saying anything, listening, ignoring the signs, being loyal and waiting for things to change on their own is just digging yourself into a deeper hole and becoming an enabler and acompliance.

Seeing that sentence brought up a few situations I have been in. Friends with both the male and female half of a couple, told by one that he/she has been doing wrong, kept my mouth shut as asked, only to have the whole thing come out later including the fact that I knew and didn’t say anything. Result? Wronged spouse thinking I betrayed our friendship by not telling and no longer speaking to me. Wrongdoing spouse not allowed to talk to me per orders of wronged spouse as I acted as accomplice by not telling and can no longer be trusted.

So, what’s going to happen if he confesses or gets caught and his wife, also your friend, finds out you knew all along and didn’t tell her? Is she going to be feeling hurt and betrayed by you? If so, I think I’d go ahead and tell her. Better she hear what you know from you than find out anyways and be hurt by you in addition to being hurt by her husband. If he doesn’t like that you told her you always have the defense that A) you did it with the intention to help their marriage and help him personally as his behavior is not healthy and B) if he didn’t want his wife to find out perhaps he should have not bragged.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Carol & MJJean,

I think that Gordon’s responsibility pertains to his friendship. He should tell his friend that he has to be serious about getting help, or else the friendship is over. Over, period.

Now suppose that happens, and Gordon and his wife stop hanging out at their friends’ house. Don’t you think there will be questions? If the friend’s wife asks, Gordon can say that he felt he could not in good conscience remain in a friendship where his friend was continuing in the friendship in bad faith. That is the truth. It is not, however, Gordon’s place to enter into specifics. If she really wants to know, she will ask a yes or no question, “Is he using porn again?” and Gordon can say yes.

This man’s wife has defense mechanisms. She is likely in denial. It will benefit nobody to blow up the situation, unless either this man or his wife begins that explosion.

Alternately, I would support a strategy of Gordon attempting to steal and destroy the hard drives. This is certainly illegal, but has its advantages as a strategy. (I’m not even sure if I’m joking.)

If Gordon does as I’ve said above, he has no problem of complicity, but also he is not stepping in where angels fear to tread. He is putting the ball in the court of the man and his wife: leaving it up to him what he’s willing to do to change, and leaving it up to her what she wants to know.

 

[MJJean]

I agree that his responsibility is to his friendship and it would be simple if he were only friends with the husband. But he is also close friends with the wife and that does cloudy things up a bit. On the one hand, friendship says he keep his trap shut. On the other hand, friendship says he should sing like a canary.

Sure glad I’m not in this situation. Been there, done it. Now I tell everyone not to tell me anything they wouldn’t tell their spouse if the spouse and I are also friends. I explain quite clearly that if I am directly asked, I will be honest. Either my friends have suddenly stopped spending money secretly, have been scrupulously chaste, and haven’t sneakily thrown away a hideous and beloved t-shirt or they’ve learned to keep their drama to themselves.

I don’t now if the wife is in denial or if she would ever ask outright, but maybe bringing up the same marital problems from before is her way of trying to get Gordon to tell her if he knows anything. Maybe she’s suspicious and is mentioning these things to Gordon hoping he will either confirm or deny her suspicions. Either way, if she brings up the marital troubles and Gordon knows that these troubles stem from the porn use I’d say he has a legit opening to just tell her.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I agree that his responsibility is to his friendship and it would be simple if he were only friends with the husband. But he is also close friends with the wife and that does cloudy things up a bit. On the one hand, friendship says he keep his trap shut. On the other hand, friendship says he should sing like a canary.

Sure glad I’m not in this situation. Been there, done it. Now I tell everyone not to tell me anything they wouldn’t tell their spouse if the spouse and I are also friends. I explain quite clearly that if I am directly asked, I will be honest. Either my friends have suddenly stopped spending money secretly, have been scrupulously chaste, and haven’t sneakily thrown away a hideous and beloved t-shirt or they’ve learned to keep their drama to themselves.

I appreciate your intentions here, but I think that this sort of arrangement compromises real friendship. Speaking as a person who has been deeply mired in sin, there are times when I wouldn’t have been able to tell my wife something (yet), but was more able to talk to a friend. Talking to a friend, freely, was the first step toward sharing with my wife – not a way to avoid it.

Gordon’s situation is different, though, since this man is utterly unrepentant. Hence my halfway serious thoughts about some sort of sabotage. If the man’s wife catches Gordon breaking into their house, better yet. She asks what he’s doing, and he says, “Saving your marriage.”

And then takes a sledgehammer to the hard drives.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Just to cover a few points, my wife absolutely knows the full extent of what’s going on. She’s not comfortable with the situation and worries that it will hurt our friendship at some point. She’s told his wife that she doesn’t believe he’s stopped using porn, but since the two of them don’t talk to each other to the same degree I talk with his wife, his wife sort of dismissed what my wife said as unfounded suspicions. My wife is bothered by his porn use but since we’ve been friends for so long she gives him something of a pass since us turning our backs on one or both of them would be like turning our backs on family. On top of that, my wife feels the best approach is to let them work it out on their own. She doesn’t think us interfering in any would have an impact, just as she doesn’t believe either of them interfering in our situation years ago would have made a difference.

I will say that she doesn’t feel entirely comfortable when I go out with him. Years ago, a typical night out for the two of us, especially if we hadn’t seen each other in a while, would have been for us to hit the strip clubs. She’s always worried that he’ll win out when we go out now. It won’t happen, but I understand why she feels that way. That’s also part of why she’s reluctant to say anything about it to his wife. For a long stretch of years she had no problem with the things he was doing and, if he was out with the guys, she fully expected him to be at a strip club. I don’t know what changed her attitude but he’s definitely the odd man out among the four of us now.

As far as their son goes I’m personally not worried that he has access to any his dad’s stash. They are extremely strict when it comes to things like that to the point that they deactivated his Facebook account because, worried that his parents might think he actually looked at it, he told them that a friend of his had posted a link to some inappropriate pictures or videos. They decided Facebook wasn’t for him and shut it down immediately. Granted, that’s different than him hacking into his dad’s hidden files, but they won’t let him on the computer when they’re not around and they monitor him closely.

For the record I don’t plan on breaking into his house, stealing or vandalizing his property or doing anything else like that. I don’t believe this is a multi-generational issue at this point. I know how he got hooked and it wasn’t from his dad (the phrase about a kid finding his dad’s stash was just to illustrate a point). One thing that worries me is that, because he is so unrepentant, I’m afraid that anything that’s said, whether by me, my wife or his, will just roll off his back and not phase him, while making things worse for his wife. Like I said before, he does seem to have softened his stance in some areas. I’ll most likely just continue attacking him from those angles since that’s the only thing that’s gotten me any results. I’ve talked to him about doing things to become stronger in his faith in the hopes that that will have an impact. He’s made some strides in that area but they’re more like baby steps than anything else. He’s not willing to do anything like prayer groups, Bible studies or even read a full book, but I can get him to read the occasional article. We pray for him and his family all the time, so that may be the best we can do for them without causing a rift.

 

[LROH]

Some major red flags going on here…

If it was alcohol…everyone on this post would have said…get her to Alanon…wake up folks…the behaviors and secrecy, attempts at control…aka locking his computer with limited access…she has been harmed and needs help regardless of whether or not he gets help…leaning on OP is not appropriate…suggest she get some help from a counselor, start at Catholic Charities.

Retrouvaille will help the couple communicate through their issues with the most important people…each other.

He sends her to you…to find out what he is reluctant or unable to express? As his friend do him the favor of refusing to offer this service.

While it’s great your wife has access to the communications, it seems a bit odd that she would prefer you speaking to friends wife vs a trained professional with confidentiality codes.

Regardless of whether it is addiction or OCD the behavior is similar to drugs and alcohol and just as damaging to the users relationships because of the behaviors surrounding the use, acquisition and more…it can and does harm relationships…fear of losing this relationship is not an acceptable excuse to sit by…if you’ve told him several times you don’t want this discussed in your presence then it is up to you to say I’m sorry this is something I have no wish to participate in, when you can respect that give me a call, until then please keep your distance. Then do the hardest thing you’ve ever done…walk away. When enough gatherings have been cut short, the msg gets through. If the wife is upset…suggest she get help for hubby’s problem.

Praying for you all

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

We’re nowhere near as close to anyone else, save for a couple family members, as we are to them. The bulk of our discussion about this and other sensitive matters springs from talking about something else, so it’s not like I’m calling and asking about this or vice versa. Still, it comes up often enough that it’s clearly still a problem for them and I don’t like to see them going through this.

I’ve told him repeatedly that it’s not an appropriate topic, that it’s disgusting, shameful, etc. Unlike his wife, he will bring this up as a main topic of conversation, although he’ll just as often veer off into it from an unrelated topic. The funny thing is that, in pretty much every other area of his life, he’s the most level-headed, mature friend I have; when it comes to this, he’s still like a 14-year-old kid who just found his dad’s stash of dirty movies. Like I said, I’ve encouraged him to get rid of it altogether. I don’t know that he’ll do that unless his wife or son somehow catch him in a lie or find his hidden files.

I’ve said something similar, which only got her upset. That’s why I’ve been trying to provide her with examples that show things aren’t quite like he’s claiming. I think she misreads some of what my wife & I say, although some of it could be deliberate. Then again, she could be telling her family the same thing hoping that one of us sets her straight and tells her what she already knows. It would be an easy way to provide herself a scapegoat.

I really feel for you. I have two super close friends who I wouldn’t trade for anyone else in the world, and I would do anything to preserve their friendships, and I know that if I lost them as friends, I would be in a lot of emotional pain. But, from the sounds of it, their marriage could very well be on the track to divorce, and if you think your friend will be mad that you told her about this, imagine how mad she might be if they end up getting divorced and she finds out you knew about his continued porn abuse. She would feel betrayed both by her husband and by one of her closest friends, and I know if I were her I would want you to tell me, even if it made me angry at first.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Some major red flags going on here…

If it was alcohol…everyone on this post would have said…get her to Alanon…wake up folks…the behaviors and secrecy, attempts at control…aka locking his computer with limited access…she has been harmed and needs help regardless of whether or not he gets help…leaning on OP is not appropriate…suggest she get some help from a counselor, start at Catholic Charities.

Retrouvaille will help the couple communicate through their issues with the most important people…each other.

He sends her to you…to find out what he is reluctant or unable to express? As his friend do him the favor of refusing to offer this service.

While it’s great your wife has access to the communications, it seems a bit odd that she would prefer you speaking to friends wife vs a trained professional with confidentiality codes.

Regardless of whether it is addiction or OCD the behavior is similar to drugs and alcohol and just as damaging to the users relationships because of the behaviors surrounding the use, acquisition and more…it can and does harm relationships…fear of losing this relationship is not an acceptable excuse to sit by…if you’ve told him several times you don’t want this discussed in your presence then it is up to you to say I’m sorry this is something I have no wish to participate in, when you can respect that give me a call, until then please keep your distance. Then do the hardest thing you’ve ever done…walk away. When enough gatherings have been cut short, the msg gets through. If the wife is upset…suggest she get help for hubby’s problem.

Praying for you all

One thing I should point out is that, aside from this, they have a very strong marriage. I see this causing a lot of pain, but I don’t believe it would lead to a divorce. Since he has reigned it in to some degree, as in he no longer spends money on it or involves his wife in his habit, it’s compartmentalized to the point that it’s not having the impact it did before. I know that sounds like rationalizing and enabling, but I think I’m sympathetic to the idea of him having made some progress. I keep praying that he comes to view it for the problem it is before we get to a point where we think we have to say something.

I thought about Retrouvaille before but, despite the struggles they’re having and how comfortable she’s always been with counseling, she doesn’t see any sort of couples retreat or counseling as something they need or would benefit from. That could change, but if she’s not interested in it, he definitely wouldn’t push for it.

My wife’s always been leery of counselors in general but she realizes that we each need people we can confide in sometimes. Since she trusts the two of them more than most people in our lives, she has no problem with me talking with them. I have been talking to my wife about all this the last few days and she feels we should try to take a step back from this situation. She’ll try making some suggestions that the wife examine her husband’s actions and attitudes a bit more, but she thinks we should otherwise try to keep out of the discussion. I’m still on the fence but I’ll keep praying for them and that I make the right decisions.

 

[MJJean]

Gordon, if you aren’t willing to make him tell his wife by giving him the “you tell or I will” ultimatum and you aren’t willing to tell his wife yourself then I think all you can do is what you have been doing. Be there for them when they need to talk, pray for them, and keep on trying to get him to see how his porn habit is causing problems. At the end of the day, regardless of the close friendship you share, if his porn habit does lead them to a divorce it’s no one’s fault but his. Given the options you have, you’re doing the best you can as a Christian and a friend.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I have been talking to my wife about all this the last few days and she feels we should try to take a step back from this situation. She’ll try making some suggestions that the wife examine her husband’s actions and attitudes a bit more, but she thinks we should otherwise try to keep out of the discussion. I’m still on the fence but I’ll keep praying for them and that I make the right decisions.

Perhaps you should follow her advice. If an opportunity arises for talking about this with your friend, then do so and try to help her by telling her what you know. But maybe you should not be the one to start that conversation. Praying about it will certainly help you.