Would you tell your friend's wife?

[bmaj]

I really feel for you. I have two super close friends who I wouldn’t trade for anyone else in the world, and I would do anything to preserve their friendships, and I know that if I lost them as friends, I would be in a lot of emotional pain. But, from the sounds of it, their marriage could very well be on the track to divorce, and if you think your friend will be mad that you told her about this, imagine how mad she might be if they end up getting divorced and she finds out you knew about his continued porn abuse. She would feel betrayed both by her husband and by one of her closest friends, and I know if I were her I would want you to tell me, even if it made me angry at first.

Excellent points made above. And the quote comes to mind — “With friends like that, who needs enemies???” The husband is certainly not being an appropriate friend to you by bragging about his sinful habit to you when he knows how you feel about it. Subconsciously he may even be trying to tempt you back into using the porn yourself so that he doesn’t feel badly himself deep inside for using it. And by you not telling the wife what you are fully aware of, you probably aren’t being a true friend to her. Sometimes the truth should and must come out, even if it hurts. I would also definitely want to be told if I were the wife. Would you tell her if you knew he was cheating on her with another woman? He actually is…with many, many women. Just because they are “virtual,” it is cheating nonetheless. Husbands sometimes try to ignore that thought, but for myself and many wives, it’s the saddest and most painful truth of all.
Peace and prayers for you and all involved as you try to work this out.

 

[LROH]

One thing I should point out is that, aside from this, they have a very strong marriage. I see this causing a lot of pain, but I don’t believe it would lead to a divorce. Since he has reigned it in to some degree, as in he no longer spends money on it or involves his wife in his habit, it’s compartmentalized to the point that it’s not having the impact it did before. I know that sounds like rationalizing and enabling, but I think I’m sympathetic to the idea of him having made some progress. I keep praying that he comes to view it for the problem it is before we get to a point where we think we have to say something.

Neither did we until 29 years took its toll. A year after retrouvaille for second time, I could no longer deny the need for the emotional intimacy this robbed our marriage of. Over years this can and does affect every area of the marriage. He also kept this well hidden from family, friends and co-workers…I helped. This ebbs and flows…much too exhausting to deal with its upheavals every day…so we deny them and move forward the best we can.

It took finding himself in an apartment after a shouting match for my hubby to realize…yes this could cost us our marriage. It’s not my forgiveness he needs, it’s his own. He isn’t the only one who needs to heal. This affects everyone. Retrouvaille gave us ways to communicate about these painful issues, sadly it doesn’t make the issue go away and if he is still active, it’s impossible to hope or expect recovery will happen for the couple.

It’s not surprising that you and wife need to take a step back…coping with this is exhausting & disruptive, this is why I urge you to encourage his wife to seek counseling on her own. She has been deeply affected too, having a safe non-judgmental place to discuss this on a regular basis with someone trained to deal with it, it may be the most loving thing she can do for herself and family until or unless he is ready to help himself.

Prayer is always a good ingredient! It took separation for hubby to see this wasn’t about me, making me happy, shutting me up and a 1000 other things he is being bombarded with as he faces this. He often doesn’t like his own company. I am very receptive to that process having faced the same over the years. We are able to communicate more openly about the elephant in the room, it isn’t the only thing we discuss. He knows I’m not the one to cheer him on for a day or two of sobriety, as my wounds of many years are still fresh and ignored. That is huge progress. Before now my wounds only meant more guilt and shame for him. He no longer needs to preemptively push me away so I won’t know or try to shield himself from the damaging effects of his behavior.

I hope this gives you and wife some insight as you endeavor to support your friends.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… I have been talking to my wife about all this the last few days and she feels we should try to take a step back from this situation. She’ll try making some suggestions that the wife examine her husband’s actions and attitudes a bit more, but she thinks we should otherwise try to keep out of the discussion. I’m still on the fence but I’ll keep praying for them and that I make the right decisions.

I like your wife’s opinion that you try keeping out of such discussion. Besides the whole question I raised earlier (that you qickly dismissed) your friend’s wife didn’t sound even open to considering the possibility that the problem was on-going. You shouldn’t forcibly pull someone’s head out of the sand. From what you wrote, you have already tried planting the idea in her head, so maybe you’ve already said enough and when she’s ready to face reality, she will.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I like your wife’s opinion that you try keeping out of such discussion. Besides the whole question I raised earlier (that you qickly dismissed) your friend’s wife didn’t sound even open to considering the possibility that the problem was on-going. You shouldn’t forcibly pull someone’s head out of the sand. From what you wrote, you have already tried planting the idea in her head, so maybe you’ve already said enough and when she’s ready to face reality, she will.

I’m sorry if it seems like I dismissed anything offhand, but knowing him like I do I know how he got to where he is and I know what sort of precautions he takes in regard to his son. I’m highly adept at working on computers and I’m confident that there’s no way I could even find the stuff he’s hidden. I don’t believe there’s anything illegal and I don’t believe his son has access to anything even close to it. He and his wife are as strict in this regard as his parents were, which most people would consider over the top, while others would, perhaps justifiably, make the claim that their strict attitudes and behavior did a lot to push him into his addiction.

Like I said before, I agree with my wife about trying to take a step back from this. I think it’s a bigger source of stress for me than it needs to be. I’ll keep urging him to rethink things when it comes up. I’ve been encouraging him to go to Confession regularly and possibly pray the Rosary. I’m hoping he takes my advice on that, as I believe continuing with the porn and the dishonesty will be a lot more difficult if he has to answer for it on a regular basis.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I’m sorry if it seems like I dismissed anything offhand, but knowing him like I do I know how he got to where he is and I know what sort of precautions he takes in regard to his son. I’m highly adept at working on computers and I’m confident that there’s no way I could even find the stuff he’s hidden. I don’t believe there’s anything illegal and I don’t believe his son has access to anything even close to it. He and his wife are as strict in this regard as his parents were, which most people would consider over the top, while others would, perhaps justifiably, make the claim that their strict attitudes and behavior did a lot to push him into his addiction.

Like I said before, I agree with my wife about trying to take a step back from this. I think it’s a bigger source of stress for me than it needs to be. I’ll keep urging him to rethink things when it comes up. I’ve been encouraging him to go to Confession regularly and possibly pray the Rosary. I’m hoping he takes my advice on that, as I believe continuing with the porn and the dishonesty will be a lot more difficult if he has to answer for it on a regular basis.

This is an excellent plan. Sometimes the best way to evangelize is not telling people the faith, but quietly living it in front of them, and sometimes giving them a few harmless suggestions like the Rosary and Confession.

By the way, thank you for your signature – it quickly became the favorite signature I’ve ever seen on this site.

 

[defenderoftruth]

The husband has secret porn on hidden hard drives on the computers that belong to his wife and son as well?!?!
I think this is necessary information. Exposing one’s children to porn is child sexual abuse, and his purposeful hiding of porn on his wife’s and son’s computer is showing a blatant disregard for the psychological well-being of his family.
If I were you, I would tell them friend that he either confess to his wife and scrubs the porn off of their computers, or you will inform his wife. Give him a specific time frame.
From that point on, I would have a strict policy to not listen to him bragging about his porn use.
As a wife, I know that I would want to know. I would hope that someone cared more about the truth and about the destruction that such porn use was STILL causing than about if someone gets upset about being told upon.
This behavior being described is a form of adultery, and it is causing the husband to mistreat his wife, to lie to her, to treat her as an object, to expose her and their children to vile pictures and videos. It is no small thing.
I would want to know.

THIS. I totally agree and as the innocent spouse in a marriage with an adulterous husband I would want to be told too. It’s the decent thing to do. He’s no friend if he gloats about lying to his wife and cheating on her. (porn is cheating) She needs to be told.

from a wife of an adulterer

 

[MJJean]

Like I said before, I agree with my wife about trying to take a step back from this. I think it’s a bigger source of stress for me than it needs to be. I’ll keep urging him to rethink things when it comes up. I’ve been encouraging him to go to Confession regularly and possibly pray the Rosary. I’m hoping he takes my advice on that, as I believe continuing with the porn and the dishonesty will be a lot more difficult if he has to answer for it on a regular basis.

Have you tried flat out telling him why and how the porn is both causing problems in his marriage and causing stress to you? Have you thought about simply shutting him down every time he even begins to talk about it? Just a simple “Nope, man, not anymore. You have a problem and I am not going to let your problem become a problem for me or our friendship. I don’t want to hear another word about porn until you decide to seek help and kick the habit. Until then, not a peep. Talk about any and everything, but no more about porn.”

 

[domandcarols]

The husband has secret porn on hidden hard drives on the computers that belong to his wife and son as well?!?!
I think this is necessary information. Exposing one’s children to porn is child sexual abuse, and his purposeful hiding of porn on his wife’s and son’s computer is showing a blatant disregard for the psychological well-being of his family.
If I were you, I would tell them friend that he either confess to his wife and scrubs the porn off of their computers, or you will inform his wife. Give him a specific time frame.
From that point on, I would have a strict policy to not listen to him bragging about his porn use.
As a wife, I know that I would want to know. I would hope that someone cared more about the truth and about the destruction that such porn use was STILL causing than about if someone gets upset about being told upon.
This behavior being described is a form of adultery, and it is causing the husband to mistreat his wife, to lie to her, to treat her as an object, to expose her and their children to vile pictures and videos. It is no small thing.
I would want to know.

I second this.

 

[Help2]

Over the past year I’ve had several long conversations with my best friend’s wife about various problems we’ve been dealing with. One related issue is pornography and the various attitudes and levels of use/abuse/addiction certain people in our lives have in regards to it and related things like strip clubs, etc. One thing we have in common is that it has caused huge problems in both our lives. Another thing we have in common is that it’s something that we’ve each eliminated as an influence in our own homes and lives. While we both still struggle with friends and family members who see it as either a minor issue or healthy outlet and continue to try to force it on us, we’ve at least managed to ensure that it’s no longer allowed in our homes in any form, and isn’t used or viewed by anyone in our immediate families.

At least, that’s what she thinks.

Her husband has had a huge problem with porn since we were kids. Even when I believed that pornography addiction was a myth, I could see how it was causing issues in his life and relationships. After they got married it got much worse. He would spend hundreds of dollars per month on it, even when they were both unemployed, and at one point had a stash consisting of thousands of magazines and hundreds of videotapes & DVD’s, not to mention everything that was stored on his computers, each of which had additional hard drives just to help store his porn. It led to major problems in their marriage numerous times. His wife took a stand several years ago and forced him to get rid of all his magazines and videos. Instead of actually selling them, he traded them in for store credit at a porn shop and just came home with a collection that was only marginally smaller than what he left with. She eventually got all the magazines and videos out of the house, but that just led to more and larger hard drives and more time spent on porn sites. She took another big stand a couple years ago and he finally admitted to her that he had a problem and agreed to delete everything from their computers and quit going to those sites.

While things were good for a short time, he obviously never actually deleted everything. She had no clue the full extent of his collection, so when he deleted the easy to find stuff in the documents folder of his PC, she had no idea that he had numerous hidden hard drives not only on his PC but hers and their son’s as well. And while he deleted all his favorites from IE, she didn’t know that he could still access those sites using other browsers. On a couple occasions, he’s told me in detail all the ways he still gets to and hides his porn (he was bragging that he still uses it indiscriminately despite her objections).

From what she’s told me, a lot of the problems they’re dealing with now are identical to the problems they were having when he was open about his porn use. She believes it’s just lingering effects of his nearly three decade addiction, as well as the negative influence from certain friends and the media in general. He acknowledges that they’re having issues, but he blames her for a variety of reasons (one of which is her attitude toward porn) and has never truly admitted he has a problem; when he told her that he did, it was simply to get her off his back. It’s clear to me that the porn is still a cause of at least some of their problems; however, everything each of them has told me was in confidence and I’m hesitant to get in the middle. The one time I suggested to her that he might not have cleaned up his act, she got a bit angry with me, so I’m worried that if I say something directly it could harm our friendships. At the same time, though, it’s difficult seeing her suffer, especially when she’s sure that she successfully eliminated this from their lives. While I should probably mind my own business, it’s hard not to speak up when she tells me how grateful to God she is for helping them overcome these problems. This has been eating at me for a while so I thought I’d ask for some opinions.

Your friendship that engages in several personal conversations with another man’s wife is entirely wrong! This lady friend of yours IS the problem in her marriage. Why is she not having these conversations with her husband?? Because truth is, that shes too wrapped up in having them with the wrong man; you. You have NO place or say in any of their marital problems. Your job is to walk away and pray for their marriage. It upsets me that she has a husband and she turns to another man for conversations. Shes probably emotionally attached to you and that in itself is a violation of her union because it is considered an emotional affair. Step away from her and pray. It sounds like if you continue to make urself available to her, you are opening the door for sin (evil). This is not a good friendship with a married man’s wife.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Have you tried flat out telling him why and how the porn is both causing problems in his marriage and causing stress to you? Have you thought about simply shutting him down every time he even begins to talk about it? Just a simple “Nope, man, not anymore. You have a problem and I am not going to let your problem become a problem for me or our friendship. I don’t want to hear another word about porn until you decide to seek help and kick the habit. Until then, not a peep. Talk about any and everything, but no more about porn.”

I’ve told him numerous times that I don’t want to hear about it. I’ve also explained to him a few times not only that it’s something that is no longer a part of my life, but also how that came about and the huge positive changes that it brought. A couple times he argued with me over this insisting that I was lying. A few of the things I’ve said to him have been pretty blunt. Although they upset him when I said it, it was the only way to get him to drop the subject. Instead of telling him specifically that it’s definitely upsetting his wife, I’ve suggested that it could be causing issues for her and stressed how much of an improvement it could bring to all aspects of their marriage. I don’t know that he buys that fully, but at least he doesn’t scoff at the idea like he did the first time I mentioned it.

 

[Joe_5859]

I’ve told him numerous times that I don’t want to hear about it. I’ve also explained to him a few times not only that it’s something that is no longer a part of my life, but also how that came about and the huge positive changes that it brought. A couple times he argued with me over this insisting that I was lying. A few of the things I’ve said to him have been pretty blunt. Although they upset him when I said it, it was the only way to get him to drop the subject. Instead of telling him specifically that it’s definitely upsetting his wife, I’ve suggested that it could be causing issues for her and stressed how much of an improvement it could bring to all aspects of their marriage. I don’t know that he buys that fully, but at least he doesn’t scoff at the idea like he did the first time I mentioned it.

It seems like you are at least making some headway with him. I would try to encourage him to be open with his wife about it. It would be better coming from him than from you. It may take some time and some convincing, but you’ve stated several times how he has initially scoffed at things only to become a bit more receptive upon the repetition.

It’s easy to balk at things that strike a nerve when someone first brings it to your attention. But time helps to change one’s perspective. Maybe he just needs you restating the obvious enough times until he realizes he cannot ignore his conscience any longer.

 

[MJJean]

I’ve told him numerous times that I don’t want to hear about it. I’ve also explained to him a few times not only that it’s something that is no longer a part of my life, but also how that came about and the huge positive changes that it brought. A couple times he argued with me over this insisting that I was lying. A few of the things I’ve said to him have been pretty blunt. Although they upset him when I said it, it was the only way to get him to drop the subject.** Instead of telling him specifically that it’s definitely upsetting his wife, I’ve suggested that it could be causing issues for her and stressed how much of an improvement it could bring to all aspects of their marriage.** I don’t know that he buys that fully, but at least he doesn’t scoff at the idea like he did the first time I mentioned it.

People who are in denial of how their actions are causing trouble often take very, very unambiguous plain speaking. Instead of suggesting, maybe he needs to be flat out told in no uncertain terms.