Would you want to know?

[samcarter14]

If there was a very strong possibility–given recent family events and hints being dropped by family members–that you were adopted within the family (i.e. aunt really your mother), would you pursue it and try to find out?

Add to the scenario, your parents, the people who raised you, have rejected you and refuse to speak to you, even after attempts on your part at reconciling. They are not likely to be sources of information.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

If the person in question is prepared for the possibility of rejection again- because there is no guarantee that the birth parents and relatives will not reject- then proceed with caution.

I would only advise not think of this meeting as an episode of that show where the fella finds long-lost people, and everybody hugs, kisses and promises to stay in touch. I would think of the first meeting as a sort of job interview, even if related, because these are a different set of circumstances. If it goes better, that’s a bonus. If not, nobody’s feelings are too awfully hurt.

 

[BamaRider]

Yes, I’d want to find out. I’d ask everyone involved to just tell the truth for once. I’m a big boy/girl.

 

[hays1122]

Yes I would want to know. I’d have my DNA taken and stored then maybe even start submitting my family member’s DNA.
If they aren’t the cooperative type. I’d do some detective work on my own.
I figure who ever I suspected the most to be my parent,would be first.
Children given to other members of the family was really very common years ago. At least that’s what I was told when I heard about my aunt who wasn’t really my aunt and a cousin who was raised by her aunt. She used to visit her “aunt” every summer.Then one day they decided she was old enough to find out that she had really been visiting her mother all those years.
And my aunt was really my mom’s cousin. Her mom had died during child birth so my grandparents raised her as their own.
And the reason my cousin’s mom gave her away to her sister was because her sister couldnt’ have children. And she loved her sister so much she gave her one of her daughters at birth.
Makes sense to me.
Life goes on.

 

[mommamia]

And the reason my cousin’s mom gave her away to her sister was because her sister couldnt’ have children. And she loved her sister so much she gave her one of her daughters at birth.
Makes sense to me.
Life goes on.

That is one of the most selfless, loving acts I have heard about in a long time.

 

[hasikelee]

Yes I would want to know. I’d have my DNA taken and stored then maybe even start submitting my family member’s DNA.
If they aren’t the cooperative type. I’d do some detective work on my own.
I figure who ever I suspected the most to be my parent,would be first.
Children given to other members of the family was really very common years ago. At least that’s what I was told when I heard about my aunt who wasn’t really my aunt and a cousin who was raised by her aunt. She used to visit her “aunt” every summer.Then one day they decided she was old enough to find out that she had really been visiting her mother all those years.
And my aunt was really my mom’s cousin. Her mom had died during child birth so my grandparents raised her as their own.
And the reason my cousin’s mom gave her away to her sister was because her sister couldnt’ have children. And she loved her sister so much she gave her one of her daughters at birth.
Makes sense to me.
Life goes on.

Wow

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Add to the scenario, your parents, the people who raised you, have rejected you and refuse to speak to you, even after attempts on your part at reconciling. They are not likely to be sources of information.

I think I might more want to know what on earth is going on with your parents to not speak to you. It really is sad to be in this state with them, especially if you are trying to fix things. I would really want to fix that relationship, or at least figure out the problem, before I moved on, because they are your parents and finding out you went looking for something else might divide you guys further.

I will keep you guys in my prayers.

 

[samcarter14]

I think I might more want to know what on earth is going on with your parents to not speak to you. It really is sad to be in this state with them, especially if you are trying to fix things. I would really want to fix that relationship, or at least figure out the problem, before I moved on, because they are your parents and finding out you went looking for something else might divide you guys further.

I will keep you guys in my prayers.

I have tried. It started about when my brother died eight years ago; my parents told me they did not want to acknowledge mother’s and father’s day anymore–after I had already sent cards for those occasions. They were very angry when I reminded them of promises they had made–and then blatantly broke–when visiting us. They tried to get me away from my husband and child “just to talk about things”. They sent messages through other family members that they thought we were unfit parents. Then when they finally buried my brother–they had him cremated and waited four years to inter the ashes–they didn’t bother telling me he was buried, or where. I had to call cemeteries in their town to figure out if he’d even been buried.

I really don’t understand what we (husband and I) did, except have parenting decisions we didn’t allow them to undermine. Oh, and ask them to call before they tried to visit from out of state, so we would know to expect them or so we could check our schedules to see if it was a good time for us.

My mother and I have never had what anybody could call a healthy relationship, and when I have tried to talk to her about it, she refuses to take any responsibility. Ihave not been a perfect person, but I have tried to contact (emailed my father) and said I forgave them, and asked for their forgiveness for any hurts I have caused them. My father and I emailed back and forth a couple of times after that letter, and then he abruptly stopped contacting me.

 

[CB_Catholic]

We have a family member who had a child out of wedlock, had no contact with the father since, and then married a man while the child was an infant and had another baby. They never told the first one that the man he calls his father is not his natural father, and he is 19 now. Now I think that someday he is going to find this out because it was no secret at the time, and there just might be h— to pay when he does. He should have been told when he was old enough to understand. The natural father is no where to be found, and if he were going to go looking for him who knows how the man would react, since he did not want to acknowledge him in the first place?

Children should be told the truth of these matters, but also finding one’s natural parents should be given careful consideration, because they might not want to be found. If one is going to go looking for their natural parents they should find out as much of the circumstances as possible first, and prepare themselves for the possibilty of rejection. Some people want to put the past behind them and wouldn’t appreciate it showing up 20 years later, so one must be emotionally prepared for that possibility.

My friend found her birth family and contacted them, and the results were mixed. She found out that both of her parents had died, they had never marrried and had two separate families. There was both resentment and welcoming from them, and a few showed a tendency to want to mooch off of her. And her stated reason for wanting to find them, to learn of any medical or genetic history, didn’t pan out–she didn’t find out anything useful.

 

[BamaRider]

We have a family member who had a child out of wedlock, had no contact with the father since, and then married a man while the child was an infant and had another baby. They never told the first one that the man he calls his father is not his natural father, and he is 19 now. Now I think that someday he is going to find this out because it was no secret at the time, and there just might be h— to pay when he does. He should have been told when he was old enough to understand. The natural father is no where to be found, and if he were going to go looking for him who knows how the man would react, since he did not want to acknowledge him in the first place?

Your instincts on this are right CB, oneday this *will * blow up it, could be next week, or in 20 years, but when it does it will be much worse then just sitting him down and telling the truth

Who are the parents on the birth certicficate?

Any number of things could be the fuse for the blow up. Someone lets it slip, a medcial test or problem of some kind, or someone just shows up at the door oneday.

Sounds like folks are doing all kinds of stuff to hide this, perhaps you should just go tell the parents to try something new- like the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m sure this family member is gonna be shocked, hurt, POed, but if told in a loving, remorseful way, it could very well be not that big a deal. But if he gets a phone call from the MD saying his blood type and his parents don’t jive, well you can take it from there. Have them check with parish pastor, they have training in such things, or can find someone in Catholic services with the right resume.

It has been my experience (which is alot) in all walks of life and situations, the truth is ALWAYS best.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Your instincts on this are right CB, oneday this *will * blow up it, could be next week, or in 20 years, but when it does it will be much worse then just sitting him down and telling the truth

Who are the parents on the birth certicficate?

Any number of things could be the fuse for the blow up. Someone lets it slip, a medcial test or problem of some kind, or someone just shows up at the door oneday.

Sounds like folks are doing all kinds of stuff to hide this, perhaps you should just go tell the parents to try something new- like the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m sure this family member is gonna be shocked, hurt, POed, but if told in a loving, remorseful way, it could very well be not that big a deal. But if he gets a phone call from the MD saying his blood type and his parents don’t jive, well you can take it from there. Have them check with parish pastor, they have training in such things, or can find someone in Catholic services with the right resume.

It has been my experience (which is alot) in all walks of life and situations, the truth is ALWAYS best.

Yes, I’m afraid it’s going to blow up someday…His mother has been told by her sisters that she needs to approach him with the truth, and I think the parents realize their mistake, but are afraid to tell him. As for the birth certificate, I think only the mother’s name is on it–not sure what they told the kid about it. She could have said something like “well we weren’t married yet when you were born”, but that’s not going to fly too far once he starts to figure things out. Oh well. At least there is a lot of close family support for him when he does find out.

 

[santodomingo]

We have a family member who had a child out of wedlock, had no contact with the father since, and then married a man while the child was an infant and had another baby. They never told the first one that the man he calls his father is not his natural father, and he is 19 now. Now I think that someday he is going to find this out because it was no secret at the time, and there just might be h— to pay when he does. He should have been told when he was old enough to understand. The natural father is no where to be found, and if he were going to go looking for him who knows how the man would react, since he did not want to acknowledge him in the first place?

Children should be told the truth of these matters, but also finding one’s natural parents should be given careful consideration, because they might not want to be found. If one is going to go looking for their natural parents they should find out as much of the circumstances as possible first, and prepare themselves for the possibilty of rejection. Some people want to put the past behind them and wouldn’t appreciate it showing up 20 years later, so one must be emotionally prepared for that possibility.

My friend found her birth family and contacted them, and the results were mixed. She found out that both of her parents had died, they had never marrried and had two separate families. There was both resentment and welcoming from them, and a few showed a tendency to want to mooch off of her. And her stated reason for wanting to find them, to learn of any medical or genetic history, didn’t pan out–she didn’t find out anything useful.

You are quite right about this. Children have a right to know who their biological parents are. Lying to a child is NOT an act of love. It´s understandable but not justifyable. It´s all due to fear of rejection. As the years go by, if you carry on hiding the truth that fear grows.

My wife and I have an adopted child. We have spoken to him about his adoption since he arrived. His favourite story is actually his adoption story. It starts off “Mummy and Daddy were very sad because they had no children. One day the telephone rang…” He´s nearly 3 and he can´t get enough of it. He´s growing up to see his adoption as something totally natural, which I think is healthy.

Since then we have been blessed with a baby girl of our own (not that the other isn´t “our own”). I can honestly promise, hand on my heart, that we love both children the same. Love is more than a question of flesh and blood, as the Apostle St. Paul so wonderfully put it.

 

[Phemie]

Your instincts on this are right CB, oneday this *will * blow up it, could be next week, or in 20 years, but when it does it will be much worse then just sitting him down and telling the truth

Who are the parents on the birth certicficate?

Any number of things could be the fuse for the blow up. Someone lets it slip, a medcial test or problem of some kind, or someone just shows up at the door oneday.

Sounds like folks are doing all kinds of stuff to hide this, perhaps you should just go tell the parents to try something new- like the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

I’m sure this family member is gonna be shocked, hurt, POed, but if told in a loving, remorseful way, it could very well be not that big a deal. But if he gets a phone call from the MD saying his blood type and his parents don’t jive, well you can take it from there. Have them check with parish pastor, they have training in such things, or can find someone in Catholic services with the right resume.

It has been my experience (which is alot) in all walks of life and situations, the truth is ALWAYS best.

Reminds me of a call I took at the office, a mother wanting me to forward her daughter’s certificate of baptism to the parish priest where she was getting married. “Do you want me to mail it to her?” “NO, we adopted her and we don’t want her to know who her mother is!”

Now, the adoption had never been registered with the parish and when she forwarded the adoption papers as I requested I made the notation in the register and issued the certificate with the new name and no mention of the birth mother, whom she knew as her aunt. I thought how angry I’d be to find this out after so many years. I’d rather have my face slapped in public than to be deceived this way!

How many here have at some point in their childhood thought they were adopted? I tore the house apart looking for adoption papers, convinced as I was that my parents weren’t really my parents. I thought I was alone in this until I found out my brothers had done the same.

Two of the parishes I work for have the unusual situation that babies are often “given” to the grandparents at birth. “Hi Mom, here’s a gift for you.” The registers are really screwed up because most of the time the grandparents names show up as the parents even though these adoptions are not “legal” but “traditional” adoptions. Since in our province the person who baptizes the baby is responsible for sending the registration of birth to Vital Statistics, this has resulted in a host of children who can’t get a birth certificate because they are not validly registered anywhere. Vital Statistics clerks and I are on first name basis since we talk to each other a couple of times a week trying to clean up these messes.

 

[aloejamb]

Yes, I would want to know. Try to get some answers despite the odd way your family is treating you. Even if you don’t get your questions answered fully at least you can look back and say you tried. Also, maybe people aren’t willing to talk about it today but one day may start to feel like they should open up. If they know you are interested, it makes it that much easier.

My DH found out after our first child was born that his dad was not his bio dad. It was hurtful to everyone involved. Without going into great detail…I just want to say to you to be prepared for rejection. I think that hurt DH more than anything else even though he kind of thought that would be the outcome. Some people dont want the past dug into.

I would prepare myself for a rollercoaster ride. The truth is worth it in the end. And you also have to prepare yourself for never really knowing all the details and at some point being okay with that. I hope that you find the answers you are looking for and that it goes better than expected for you…