Wrong to ask catholic wife about skipping communion?

[Ohionative]

Just some background - i was raised Episcopalian and my wife was raised catholic. She left the Catholic Church for many years but we started back about 3 months ago going to mass. My wife went to her first confession in 5 years and started receiving communion again. I’m going to inquiry classes and considering converting. Needless to say there is still a ton I do not know and Catholicism is still very new to me. (So forgive me if anything I’m about to ask is silly)

On the drive to mass a few sundays back I was reviewing some of the things I had learned in my inquiry class including not taking communion if you’ve committed a mortal sin and hadn’t been to confession yet. She said “yes that’s true but if I ever don’t take communion you can’t ever bring it up or ask me about it”. I didn’t think much of it or ask questions. Lo and behold that day, and the 3 weeks since, she hasn’t gone up for communion. I haven’t said anything, but I’d by lying if I said my mind wasn’t wandering about things related to infidelity, other men, etc. She has been a little “distant” lately and I had noticed some changes in her even before this.

Am I way out of line for even letting this enter my head? Is asking her skipping communion a complete no-no?

Please forgive me if this question is utterly ridiculous in any way, because I truly am I clueless Protestant for now.

 

[midori]

You’re just fine. It’s normal to look around for clues for what’s going on around us!

Another reason is “I ate something too close to Communion.” You need to fast for an hour before taking Communion.

But yes, that’s a little weird— “you can’t ever bring it up!!!” Was that a “ha-ha I’m joking” kind of conversation, or was that a “I’m-serious-here-don’t-you-ever” kind of a conversation?

 

[Ohionative]

She was dead serious and she never eats breakfast so I know she hadnt eaten.

 

[Lou2U]

Don’t ask her. It’s not your business.

I haven’t said anything, but I’d by lying if I said my mind wasn’t wandering about things related to infidelity, other men, etc. She has been a little “distant” lately and I had noticed some changes in her even before this.

Don’t let your paranoia ruin your marriage. If you think there’s something going on, ask.

 

[PetraG]

She said “yes that’s true but if I ever don’t take communion you can’t ever bring it up or ask me about it”

There is your answer.

She has been a little “distant” lately and I had noticed some changes in her even before this.

Ask her about that. I would not bring up her approach to the sacraments, though. She has made it very clear that she considers those private matters that you should not probe into. Respect that, or you are likely to shut down communication from her. Sure, you may wish she would tell you everything, but let’s stay realistic.

Instead, bring up your sense that she is distant and you are worried both about her and that you may have offended her or failed to reach out to her without intending it. Sometimes we set up what I call “invisible flaming hoops” when we’re upset, which is to say we give passive indications that we’re upset and expect that if our partner were “truly attuned” to our feelings and needs that our partner would ask about this kind of thing. That is not fair, but you don’t want to let what is only typical irrationality in someone who is upset to damage your marriage.

Am I way out of line for even letting this enter my head?

No, if you sense that something is wrong with someone you love, it isn’t out of line to ask about it. She might resist communicating and might even try to gaslight you or turn this into something wrong with you, but it is reasonable for spouses to ask about signs that something is bothering their husband or wife.

Her statement was very clear, though. If she asks whether you are asking about whether she approaches Holy Communion or not, I would answer, “That topic is off-limits. You said that yourself. We are not going there. Let’s stick with what I asked about, why don’t we? You’ve been quiet when you used to be bubbly, you don’t seem your happy self, and I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you have a big problem you’re handling on your own and I’m also worried that I’ve done something to upset you without knowing it. Or if you did something you are afraid will make me mad, whatever it is, let’s talk about it. I don’t like seeing you like this and not being able to help you. I love you!! How can I feel happy when I am afraid that you’re not happy?”

 

[PeterT]

Just some background - i was raised Episcopalian and my wife was raised catholic. She left the Catholic Church for many years but we started back about 3 months ago going to mass. My wife went to her first confession in 5 years and started receiving communion again. I’m going to inquiry classes and considering converting. Needless to say there is still a ton I do not know and Catholicism is still very new to me. (So forgive me if anything I’m about to ask is silly)

On the drive to mass a few sundays back I was reviewing some of the things I had learned in my inquiry class including not taking communion if you’ve committed a mortal sin and hadn’t been to confession yet. She said “yes that’s true but if I ever don’t take communion you can’t ever bring it up or ask me about it”. I didn’t think much of it or ask questions. Lo and behold that day, and the 3 weeks since, she hasn’t gone up for communion. I haven’t said anything, but I’d by lying if I said my mind wasn’t wandering about things related to infidelity, other men, etc. She has been a little “distant” lately and I had noticed some changes in her even before this.

Am I way out of line for even letting this enter my head? Is asking her skipping communion a complete no-no?

Please forgive me if this question is utterly ridiculous in any way, because I truly am I clueless Protestant for now.

It’s too bad that your wife has requested you not to ask about it when she skips communion. In an ideal Catholic marriage, there should be no such secrets among the couple. Not that she should go into detail why she decided to skip communion, but the trust and openess should be there.

That said, I would recommend that you respect her request and not ask her about it as she has requested. Don’t assume it is because she committed a mortal sin, especially one in regards to you. She might be having doubts that the Holy Eucharist is indeed the body and blood of Christ, hence she’s not receiving communion while these doubts remain in her head to AVOID committing a mortal sin. It could be for countless of other reasons too.

Instead, just pray for her and for her well-being.

 

[Irishmom2]

Spouses do not have some kind of right to know their spouse’s sins. Trust that she knows what she is doing and leave her alone about confession and communion.

If you want to ask why she is distant, go ahead. Just don’t link it to confession and communion.

 

[PetraG]

Instead, just pray for her and for her well-being.

Pray also for guidance and grace from the Holy Spirit in how to nurture your wife and your marriage, and how to handle the unsettling things you’re feeling.

 

[Canvas]

“yes that’s true but if I ever don’t take communion you can’t ever bring it up or ask me about it”. I didn’t think much of it or ask questions. Lo and behold that day, and the 3 weeks since, she hasn’t gone up for communion. I haven’t said anything, but I’d by lying if I said my mind wasn’t wandering about things related to infidelity, other men, etc. She has been a little “distant” lately and I had noticed some changes in her even before this.

I agree with her 100% that you should not question her. It is her decision alone whether she feels she should Receive.

Also, don’t ask questions about their Confessions either. You have no right to know what any person, even your spouse or your child, says during a Confession or even if they went to Confession. I have seen young people on here worried about going to Confession because they are like “my mom would have to drive me and she might ask why I need to go”. Don’t be that person.

I agree with the posters above that you should keep your inquiry focused on her behavioral/mood changes if it is really bothering you, not on what she does in Church.

 

[PetraG]

In an ideal Catholic marriage, there should be no such secrets among the couple.

The Church, in her wisdom, does not require this. That is because everyone needs to be able to be discrete with truths that might harm another person, even when they might wish to have one person they can tell everything: a person who, unlike their confessor, will actually remember what they say.

For instance, what if the wife is upset because she’s been defending the husband from attacks from third parties but doesn’t want to upset him with corrections that she thinks are out of line? What if she is upset by a confidence that she has to keep from everyone, even from him? What if her decision not to receive Holy Communion has nothing whatsoever to do with the matter that he is sensing is bothering her? No, I would say instead that a marriage ought to have enough trust that the spouses can practice discretion when it is called for. If he asks what is bothering her and she wants to talk about why she hasn’t been receiving Holy Communion, she can. She may be trying to protect him and is instead worrying him, and he can tell her that.

 

[Ardent_Fire]

It’s a blessing that your wife shows care in not treating communion like an automated weekly habit. That said, if she doesn’t want to talk about why she isn’t receiving communion, then you’ll have to respect that. You can ask her if everything is OK without bringing that up specifically. I would avoid letting your mind wander and assuming the worst!

 

[PeterT]

PeterT:

In an ideal Catholic marriage, there should be no such secrets among the couple.

The Church, in her wisdom, does not require this. That is because everyone needs to be able to be discrete with truths that might harm another person, even when they might wish to have one person they can tell everything: a person who, unlike their confessor, will actually remember what they say.

For instance, what if the wife is upset because she’s been defending the husband from attacks from third parties but doesn’t want to upset him with corrections that she thinks are out of line? What if she is upset by a confidence that she has to keep from everyone, even from him? What if her decision not to receive Holy Communion has nothing whatsoever to do with the matter that he is sensing is bothering her? No, I would say instead that a marriage ought to have enough trust that the spouses can practice discretion when it is called for. If he asks what is bothering her and she wants to talk about why she hasn’t been receiving Holy Communion, she can. She may be trying to protect him and is instead worrying him, and he can tell her that.

I never stated that the Church requires this. It doesn’t. Still, it’s an ideal that a married Catholic couple ought to strive for.

 

[PetraG]

I never stated that the Church requires this. It doesn’t. Still, it’s an ideal that a married Catholic couple ought to strive for.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you did!! No, I’m saying that the Church doesn’t require it because there is a good reason not to set it up as an ideal. That’s not to say that there aren’t couples who have that as their personal mode of operation, who simply say, “No, I cannot agree to promise I’ll keep a confidence from my spouse. I can say we can trust my spouse not to tell another living person about what you’re about to tell me, but as for asking me to keep anything from her, she and I just don’t do that.”

I think it is important to come to these decisions together in a deliberate way, and preferably to make the decision jointly rather than unilaterally. Still, obviously an attorney or a physician cannot tell their spouses everything. Their duty to be discrete extends to spouses, too.

 

[Hope1960]

Just some background - i was raised Episcopalian and my wife was raised catholic. She left the Catholic Church for many years but we started back about 3 months ago going to mass. My wife went to her first confession in 5 years and started receiving communion again. I’m going to inquiry classes and considering converting. Needless to say there is still a ton I do not know and Catholicism is still very new to me. (So forgive me if anything I’m about to ask is silly)

On the drive to mass a few sundays back I was reviewing some of the things I had learned in my inquiry class including not taking communion if you’ve committed a mortal sin and hadn’t been to confession yet. She said “yes that’s true but if I ever don’t take communion you can’t ever bring it up or ask me about it”. I didn’t think much of it or ask questions. Lo and behold that day, and the 3 weeks since, she hasn’t gone up for communion. I haven’t said anything, but I’d by lying if I said my mind wasn’t wandering about things related to infidelity, other men, etc. She has been a little “distant” lately and I had noticed some changes in her even before this.

Am I way out of line for even letting this enter my head? Is asking her skipping communion a complete no-no?

Please forgive me if this question is utterly ridiculous in any way, because I truly am I clueless Protestant for now.

You probably shouldn’t ask - it’s between your wife, her priest and God, but still, I’d personally ask anyway.

 

[1ke]

including not taking communion if you’ve committed a mortal sin and hadn’t been to confession yet.

Also if you haven’t maintained the one hour fast. Or because you have something on your heart/mind and don’t feel disposed to go to communion that day.

I think you are really letting your imagination run away with you if the first place it goes when your wife doesn’t go to communion is “infidelity”. I mean is there anything in your past like prior infidelity? I find it odd that’s where your mind goes first and foremost.

Yes she is right about not asking,
because it is none of your business. Nor will it be any of her business if you become Catholic and don’t go to communion at some point.

 

[Joe_5859]

Yes she is right about not asking,
because it is none of your business. Nor will it be any of her business if you become Catholic and don’t go to communion at some point.

I know relationship dynamics can vary greatly depending upon the couple, but I cannot imagine that my wife would not immediately ask me what was going on if I didn’t go up for Communion. And I don’t think telling her it’s not her business would go very far.

I agree, though, that considering what the OP has stated about what his wife has said, it’s best to address the perceived distance rather than start the conversation by asking about why she’s not going up for Communion.

 

[Lev]

My feeling is that if she is now in the process of coming back to the Church after years of absence… it is highly unlikely that there is infidelity going on… unless it was an historical event? Your conversation in the car may have tweaked her conscience about something she’d perhaps not confessed before.

As for her statement about never asking about missed Communion, that is absolutely true in general. I have had to mention that very thing to my children when they’ve noticed that someone didn’t go up. This is very much a private relationship between a person and God and it is often the suffering of not being able to receive that impels us to take courage and get it out in confession.

My opinion, you should try and put the best spin on it you can and let Gods grace help her deal with it going forward.

 

[JMMJ]

Another thought…if your wife just recetly came back to the Church after being away for a long time, it may be possible that she is having second thoughts and doesn’t want to receive because it is disrespectful to those who believe. Maybe you could have a conversation with her about how she is feeling about returning. She must have left for one reason or another before. Is it possible she doesn’t have “both feet in”?

 

[Hope1960]

Also if you haven’t maintained the one hour fast. Or because you have something on your heart/mind and don’t feel disposed to go to communion that day.

I think you are really letting your imagination run away with you if the first place it goes when your wife doesn’t go to communion is “infidelity”. I mean is there anything in your past like prior infidelity? I find it odd that’s where your mind goes first and foremost.

Yes she is right about not asking,
because it is none of your business. Nor will it be any of her business if you become Catholic and don’t go to communion at some point.

I don’t think it’s odd for his mind to go in that direction, even if infidelity hasn’t occurred in his marriage before. Some people are just worriers.

 

[Hope1960]

My husband isn’t Catholic but I usually tell him everything I confessed. I believe that it’s really just between me, my priest and God, but I feel guilt if I don’t tell my husband. That’s just the way I am.
Then again, I have OCD, so that probably plays a huge part in my need to talk to my hubby.