WWYD? "Please stand and greet your neighbor."

[pnewton]

So first you say that mass isn’t about what “I” want, but then you say it makes you sad when people don’t behave the way “you” want. Do you not see the problem with that?

Sometimes it is not possible to help how one feels. It is sad to be in a parish where one feels isolated and ignored. It is also uncomfortable for some, as in the OP, to be asked to greet each other. Regrettably, these two often feed each other, where one is more isolated by their own withdrawal, leading to others to be saddened by the lack of human interaction with others.

This is an issue a lot broader than Mass, but everywhere people are together. I mentioned earlier that the woman in the initial post wanted to, she could just stay kneeling with her eyes closed. I would hope those near her would respect that.

 

[pensmama87]

Fellowship after Mass has its limitations as well. People talk to people they already know. How often does anyone go up to a stranger – assuming the stranger even stops for coffee and donuts – to introduce themselves and welcome the newbie?

That’s true.

As someone who does baptism prep for families, my husband and I regularly meet new parishioners. When we see them at fellowship, we invite them to sit with us. Even better, we’ll introduce them to other families we know. Boom! No longer strangers.

Even if I haven’t seen someone before, I will smile and say hello. This is not a natural thing for me. I’m an introvert. But since we have over the years gotten pretty involved and know or at least recognize a good percentage of the regulars, I have decided that it should be part of my job to just screw up my courage and say “hi.” It can still be awkward, but it helps me grow, and I was that stranger once too.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

So first you say that mass isn’t about what “I” want, but then you say it makes you sad when people don’t behave the way “you” want. Do you not see the problem with that?

Mass, whether I like it or not, is COMMUNAL
We are called to worship together as a family, and it makes me very sad that, when asked to take a moment to greet said members of the family, by the Pastor, that so many people feel imposed upon.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Are you saying that there is an innate problem with being private and isolated? At any given mass, it is almost guaranteed that there is at least one person present who is going through something difficult that would make it very uncomfortable to be compelled to offer compulsory friendly greetings to their neighbor. Yet you say that mass should NEVER be a place where we enter and depart in silence? That seems very unfair and inconsiderate. Why not be respectful enough to leave it up to each one to decide if they want to be sociable? Some people really are there simply to be “alone” with Jesus.

As one who has been in that position many times due to things like anxiety attacks or personal crisis, thank you for that.

One thing to keep in mind is that Mass is an obligation - something we are not supposed to just skip when we don’t feel up to dealing with it. If it is possible, without breaking the rules of the Church, to let people have some leeway in how they personally choose to approach the Mass - whether by reaching out to others or by choosing to remain a bit more private and isolated - then it seems like the better and kinder thing to let them.

Of course everyone who doesn’t share the particular viewpoint of the person making the choice will probably have a complaint about it because humans grouse and complain. I don’t see why we all can’t work a little bit on being more tolerant of other people’s preferences about being more social vs. more private. I will confess to not always having perfect tolerance in this regard, but I would rather try to understand the wants and needs of others than call them disrespectful, selfish, other things I have seen when this topic comes up (the Mother’s Day blessing thread for example) or generally announcing that those who don’t think like me are “doing it wrong”.

 

[Operalan]

I can see both of this…but, again…we have the Sign of Peace which can go on even longer than the opening “Say Howdy” time. Do we need both???

 

[Crusaderbear]

The needs of the many… I have never seen anyone booted for not shaking hands! Being reverent and friendly don’t have to be mutually exclusive! The greeting acknowledges our similiarities, not differences!

 

[Padres1969]

One of the things I hear repeatedly in RCIA is that it’s hard to meet people and how Catholics are so stand-offish. If I were asked to greet others before Mass I would do so and would be grateful to know that my brothers and sisters in Christ had come together with me to pray together and worship God together. I’d be happy for that small effort at fellowship that might make someone feel welcome as a guest or as someone returning to church after a time away. And if I really hated it I’d take it as a moment to remind myself that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Well to be fair Catholic mass (and other liturgical church’s masses for that matter) and the more fellowship based traditions have very different takes on what the service occurring is and what it’s for. I can see both sides of the argument being presented here by both those that like the greeting as a way to help ease the “standoffish” reputation, and those that like the reason for the standoffish rep and want it to be quiet and contemplative in advance of the mass.

Might I offer an alternative? My parish likes it to be relatively quiet and contemplative prior to mass. We don’t stop those that might want to visit with someone do so, but if you want to be left to your own devices in silence to pray and prepare for the mass, that’s ok too. BUT, to prevent getting a standoffish reputation, we have greeters and greeter/ushers whose job in part prior to the beginning of mass is to welcome everyone entering, and in particular to keep an eye out for visitors and if they want more than a simple welcome/hello, to provide that kind of pre-mass fellowship in the narthex.

 

[pnewton]

I can see both of this…but, again…we have the Sign of Peace which can go on even longer than the opening “Say Howdy” time. Do we need both???

The sign of peace has liturgical significance as well, but this is a good question. I for one limit the sign of peace to 20-30 seconds before starting the intro to the Lamb of God, even though we do not have any sort of opening introduction as described here. Our “person to person” comes after Mass, though I am sure many will complain about that, as after Mass is their time to pray and want silence. On the other hand, up until about five minutes before Mass, we have a rosary being said publicly, out loud, sometimes even from the ambo. You can’t please everyone, at least with any solution that works at every parish.

My only real objection is trying to judge what this one priest is doing in his one parish from afar. He may be addressing a deficiency he sees in his own community of Catholics, understanding perfectly well his own role as shepherd, along with understanding what Mass must be.

 

[Granum_Frumenti]

What I really prefer is actual fellowship after Mass. Preferably with donuts and coffee.

Fellowship after Mass has its limitations as well. People talk to people they already know. How often does anyone go up to a stranger – assuming the stranger even stops for coffee and donuts – to introduce themselves and welcome the newbie?

I’ve seen people do so in places. But if the parishioners generally avoid newcomers, visitors, and other strangers at fellowship time, I wonder if the parishioners may follow a gentle and general suggestion to do otherwise. (A suggestion may take a number of appropriate forms, like a mention in the bulletin. If the announcements should include a mention of a fellowship event, they may also include a friendly reminder to welcome the stranger.)

This idea may be useful, whether or not there is a greeting period before Mass. (I’d find it odd, though, if people greeted me as a visitor before Mass and then ignored me at fellowship afterwards!)

 

[pnewton]

FYI - I too have my comfort violated sometimes. Such is life. This Friday, after Mass a young woman came up to me right after Mass and gave me a big hug. Now I am not a touchy person, much less a huggy one. This woman is mentally challenged and is cared for by her mother who immediately rushed to intervene. Well, I obviously had no option but to say it was fine and give them both a big smile, but trust me, it was well outside my own comfort zone.

So, if one is trying to stay kneeling in silence throughout this meet and greet, it might be good to at least be prepared to smile at one who insists on greeting you. Smiling is better than being angry, and people can be socially challenged as they can be mentally challenged.

 

[Operalan]

It just seems “odd” to greet all those people around you during Mass and then, approximately 40 minutes later, to be basically greeting the same exact people all over again at The Sign of Peace (knowing full well that The Sign of Peace has a liturgical purpose). I don’t know that, for strangers to the parish, that being greeted by the same people in nearly the exact same way within a short time period really has all that much of a beneficial use as far as making them feel all warm and fuzzy in the parish. Now, there are some cultures when, at the Sign of Peace, everyone goes around the entire Church to greet their fellow worshippers. That’s a different thing as well. But, to me, turning and saying Good Morning to all those around (although easily accomplished and not off-putting) diminishes the importance of the Sign of Peace later in the Mass. There are MANY things that a parish can do to make people feel welcome after the Mass and during the every day life of the parish.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Our parish does the stand and greet. I hate it. And I always give a funny name. Those who know me laugh. Those who don’t I guess think my Name is Fredrico Jimenez…

The parish across town goes a step further. They ask all visiting people to stand, introduce themselves, where they are from and then people clap for them. This is beyond awkward.

All parishes in my area at least to the stand and introduce.

One has no choice. One must participate.

 

[Crusaderbear]

We have greeters at the entrance who greet people arriving as well as the opening greetings…if you feel ignored in our church, you got a problem!

 

[DeniseNY]

I don’t think I would like this

 

[DaveBj]

It just seems “odd” to greet all those people around you during Mass and then, approximately 40 minutes later, to be basically greeting the same exact people all over again at The Sign of Peace (knowing full well that The Sign of Peace has a liturgical purpose). I don’t know that, for strangers to the parish, that being greeted by the same people in nearly the exact same way within a short time period really has all that much of a beneficial use as far as making them feel all warm and fuzzy in the parish. Now, there are some cultures when, at the Sign of Peace, everyone goes around the entire Church to greet their fellow worshippers. That’s a different thing as well. But, to me, turning and saying Good Morning to all those around (although easily accomplished and not off-putting) diminishes the importance of the Sign of Peace later in the Mass. There are MANY things that a parish can do to make people feel welcome after the Mass and during the every day life of the parish.

I totally agree; however, this is not a hill for which I am prepared to die.

Our parish does the stand and greet. I hate it. And I always give a funny name. Those who know me laugh. Those who don’t I guess think my Name is Fredrico Jimenez…

The parish across town goes a step further. They ask all visiting people to stand, introduce themselves, where they are from and then people clap for them. This is beyond awkward.

All parishes in my area at least to the stand and introduce.

One has no choice. One must participate.

Oh, HECK no!

We have greeters at the entrance who greet people arriving as well as the opening greetings…if you feel ignored in our church, you got a problem!

Ditto at our church. Much better, in my opinion.

 

[mVitus]

Oh, HECK no!

Gotta agree. I have no issues with the pre-Mass greeting and find it nice, but standing up to say my name and where I’m from would be nerve-wracking.
Though I am guessing that it’s a small parish where everyone would be asking after the Mass anyways.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Gotta agree. I have no issues with the pre-Mass greeting and find it nice, but standing up to say my name and where I’m from would be nerve-wracking.
Though I am guessing that it’s a small parish where everyone would be asking after the Mass anyways.

No it’s the biggest parish in the state.

 

[johnnyc176]

Our parish does the stand and greet. I hate it. And I always give a funny name. Those who know me laugh. Those who don’t I guess think my Name is Fredrico Jimenez…

The parish across town goes a step further. They ask all visiting people to stand, introduce themselves, where they are from and then people clap for them. This is beyond awkward.

All parishes in my area at least to the stand and introduce.

One has no choice. One must participate.

Not really. Just keep kneeling in prayer. Or will a spotlight point you out and the ushers descend upon you and forcibly lift you to your feet lol?

I have never seen this in any parish I was a member of. I know it won’t be done in my current parish as it is Traditional. There are meet and greets after Mass though.

 

[EasterJoy]

Anything that bothers you is worth discussing with your pastor.

Provided you are giving feedback on *your opinion *and don’t accuse someone else in the parish of bad motives, it is OK. When you give feedback, charity requires you do it in a way that reflects an appreciation that your pastor gets a LOT of feedback about nearly everything. If you come to the pastor demanding that he do what you want him to do, then you’re part of “parish life would be great, except for the parishioners.”

As for making people feel welcome, I think stationing welcoming people at the door is a better way to do it. That, and I like the custom of asking everyone to put on a name badge once every month or two. When you’ve known somebody for five years and can’t remember their name, it is really embarrassing to ask. I have not been a big fan of “stand and greet those around you.” I much prefer “if you have not already done so, silence your phones and other electronic devices. When you have done that, let us spend the remaining time before Mass begins in quiet, to prepare for ourselves for worship.”

 

[misspriss]

It sounds like a perfectly normal practice to me, but I grew up baptist, so there is that.

I have to admit, I do feel most catholics are standoffish. I’ve been catholic since 2012. I don’t know any more catholic people now than I did in 2012. The people who I know I met in RCIA (like the director and people who volunteer, not other members of the church). The only people who speak to me at mass are the greeters, who are always the same people. Saying “Good morning!” and opening the door for me are nice, but that doesn’t foster community.

I usually attend mass alone, as my husband is not catholic and doesn’t attend with me. No church I have attended has had a coffee & donut hour, it isn’t really done around here I guess.

That said, I don’t think a 30 second “forced” greet each other at the beginning of mass will do much to change things.