Yea or Nay: Asking For A Daughter's Hand In Marriage

[diosa25]

**I think that depends on the couple…

if they are traditional then the man would be surprising the woman with a marriage proposal so she wouldn’t be able to go to his parents ahead of time. But of course in either case it would be wonderful for her to express her appreciation to the people who helped shape her hubby to be into the wonderful man she will marry. Some women do that at the time of the engagement.**

These were my thoughts too…the fact that it is mostly the guy asking the woman and he “surprises” her, so she can’t go ask for a blessing with her intentions b/c she doesn’t have those intentions yet. But I do see that if she expects the man to get the final blessing from her parents that she should go to her future in-laws for their blessing as well. That makes sense.

DH asked for my hand from my dad. I don’t think it was for permission or blessing specifically as we had not really thought about it that deeply. Just seemed like the right thing to do since it is tradition. Never thought about why it is done. I can say thought that I guess it wasn’t for permission b/c we were going to do it anyway and he had already asked me. Basically he was breaking the news to my dad and letting him know so they could “discuss” things. My dad just asked a bunch of questions related to our futures, like about DH’s job and plans for further education and living arrangements and all that stuff.

 

[GratefulDad]

How are you going to stop your daughters from marrying someone that you don’t like? If your daughters decide to forego this custom, for whatever reason, it isn’t as if you can stop them from getting married. I asked because you said that your daughter not marrying a gentleman was not an option. My own stepfather still will not talk to me twenty years after I married my husband because he disapproved of our marriage. So, I hope that you aren’t quite so rigid.

I don’t see how asking permission proves chivalry or respect for his future bride. I am southern also and I’ve seen this custom produce men who run the gambit from excellent husbands and fathers to guys who beat the living daylights out of their wives daily. I am not seeing that this custom makes any difference in the future marriage.

I do respect the intent behind this custom though. It is very good to show respect to the family of your future spouse. I do think that the woman should show equal respect to her in-laws in some way also.

Just curious, grateful dad, if your daughter and future son-in-law came together to ask for a blessing would that be acceptable to you also? Or does the guy have to ask permission first?

Now wait, First, asking permission/blessing is about the same or very close to it. Second, I am not saying that having this adult man to man conversation, is the end all and be all in life, but it does show a young man’s respect, substance, etc.

At the time when I did this, I did think it was a kind of a corny tradition from a by gone era. I had to fly to Miami for a command performance, and I never really thought about this when my girls were younger, but now that I have daughters of age to be married, it makes more sense and is a great symbolism in life.

Deb, I am not sure I follow when you say “I don’t see how asking permission proves chivalry or respect for his future bride.” Life is full of little steps that add up throughout our lives. It is a great touch. I am saying, I would hate to see smallish symbols like this taken for granted or skipped. To me this is like a husband saying:

“Well, I never have to open a car or house door for my wife she has two arms.”
or
“I never have to hold an umbrella for her, she is capable.”
or
“I don’t have to help bring groceries in the house, she lifts things all the time.”

Wearing a white wedding gown is not a requirement to have your marriage blessed, but it holds great symbolize. As well is a diamond engagement ring required for Holy Matrimony?

I am sure we know mixed marriages and even some Catholic couples that go to Church every Sunday, raise their children Catholic, etc. but have never said a Rosary together or even prayed as a married couple, again may not cause a divorce but those actions and symbols for your spouse and family all add up over time.

 

[GratefulDad]

I have a boy and a girl we are raising, and so I see it from both sides. I think if I had just girls, I’d think differently–.

WG, Haha

I also think it is appropriate for the couple to ask the blessing of the groom’s parents too.

 

[Asillia]

I agree that if done with the right intent, it can be meaningful…but otherwise it can be empty. I don’t think it is a big inidicator one way or the other though.

My fiance didn’t ask any kind of blessing, and neither did I, but to be honest we didn’t really have to. I know his parents love me, and he knows my family loves him. I think he still might have gone and talked to my parents if we lived nearby, because he’s a traditional kind of guy and I think he’d like that. I kind of laugh to think about that, because my my dad would be so uncomfortable, haha. When we got engaged, we called my parents right away, and I gave the phone to Joe to talk to my parents and my dad said that’s great, and said he had to take a nap. Hahaha - it’s kind of hard to explain why it’s funny, but you kind of have to know my dad’s mannerisms and temperment and humor…I think he was probably a little freaked out at realizing his little girl was actually getting married.

I can’t imagine asking his parents either because they’d probably wondering why on earth I was asking. They’ve made it pretty clear we have their blessing

Anyway…funny story - when my dad announced his itentions to marry my mom (my mom was 18 and they’d dated for two weeks. He was a long haired hippie musician at the time! They’ve been married 30 years) my Nanu put a whoopee cushion under his chair, hehe. He didn’t even tell him it was a whoopee cushion until years later.

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

So, do some of you think that the young lady should ask her future-in-laws for a blessing also? Shouldn’t the respect be shown to both sets of parents? After all, if you are a woman getting a wonderful, religious, polite gentleman then his parents surely had a hand in who he is. Wouldn’t asking for their blessings be appropriate?

Women are to be honored and cherished and loved. That’s why we were taught to ask either for permission or blessing to marry her. It’s not because she is beneath a man or the property of the father. It’s because she holds a place of honor within the family. This is not about equal rights. It’s about honor.

Addition: in the South we still honor women also by opening the door for them, let them be first to order their meal and other such things. It is a matter of honor, something we still hold dear back home. But, I have met many women who don’t say thank you and even ignore the fact that I open the door for them. I do get some that thank me and it’s nice to know that it still matters to some.

Peace…

MW

 

[whatevergirl]

WG, Haha

I also think it is appropriate for the couple to ask the blessing of the groom’s parents too.

I knew you’d know where I was coming from! hee hee

 

[GratefulDad]

I knew you’d know where I was coming from! hee hee

Quite right!!

 

[Sina]

I think to ask for a hang in marriage is a respectful and sweet thing to do, but maybe not appropriate in all circumstances.

My DH didn’t ask my dad for my hand in marriage. My dad was more of a hippy when he was younger and doesn’t really care about those kinds of traditions. Our parents are also VERY hands off of our relationship.

I think there are many circumstances where it is very nice and proper to ask though.

 

[diosa25]

Women are to be honored and cherished and loved. That’s why we were taught to ask either for permission or blessing to marry her. It’s not because she is beneath a man or the property of the father. It’s because she holds a place of honor within the family. This is not about equal rights. It’s about honor.

Addition: in the South we still honor women also by opening the door for them, let them be first to order their meal and other such things. It is a matter of honor, something we still hold dear back home. But, I have met many women who don’t say thank you and even ignore the fact that I open the door for them. I do get some that thank me and it’s nice to know that it still matters to some.

Peace…

MW

Very good analogies and good points. I hadn’t thought of it like that. I knew I agreed with it for some reason but wasn’t sure how to justify. You put it into words very nicely!

 

[IrishAm]

It is a simple courtesy that goes a very long way in generating good feelings. It is also an opportunity for the young man to talk openly with his in-laws about his plans, goals and aspirations, as well as his love for their daughter.

All three of my sons-in-law (and not a southerner in the group) spoke to my ex-husband and I before their engagements to our daughters were “official.” Now, we all know the engagement was well in the works and they were not asking “permission” as fully-educated and self-supporting adults, but it was a nice gesture nonetheless.

 

[deb1]

Women are to be honored and cherished and loved. That’s why we were taught to ask either for permission or blessing to marry her. It’s not because she is beneath a man or the property of the father. It’s because she holds a place of honor within the family. This is not about equal rights. It’s about honor.

Addition: in the South we still honor women also by opening the door for them, let them be first to order their meal and other such things. It is a matter of honor, something we still hold dear back home. But, I have met many women who don’t say thank you and even ignore the fact that I open the door for them. I do get some that thank me and it’s nice to know that it still matters to some.

Peace…

MW

I know that the bible says in Peter that the man should honor his wife but the bible also says that the woman should show respect for her husband.You men are to be respected, cherished and loved,also. I don’t think that women deserves better treatment then men, though. Both individuals in the marriage should cherish each other.

Opening doors for people, helping with heavy packages etc just seems polite to me. I open doors for guys all the time.

Women are physically weaker then men-most women are anyway- so it makes sense logically that they need more help caring packages etc.

Not saying thank you is rude no matter who does it.

I am not against rules of chivalry but I still don’t see how asking the father’s permission adds either way to the man’s desire to protect and love his wife.

I am southern too and honestly, I am not seeing in reality that guys who ask the father’s permission are any more or less likely to be good husbands then those who don’t ask.

.

 

[teme]

In my case, I asked DW’s father, and also her mother and step-father, for permission. I think I worded it more as “I plan to propose to Rose”. Call it permission, blessing, or anything else, a father knows when someone is asking to marry his daughter, and when they don’t ask.

It may just be our situation, by DW has 4 sisters. So of the 5 marriages, only 1 man asked for permission. Guess how many marriages remain intact.

Take gender, social equality, etc out of the equation. When a man marries a woman, two families become joined together. Why would you not give both families the opportunity to help the man be sure he’s made the right decision, and can support the woman spiritually, emotionally and financially? I assume the man talks to his own parents about his intentions, then talks to the woman’s parents, and it’s much better to talk about pros and cons of a union when only 1 of the two parties is present, and the other isn’t already wearing a ring…

 

[whatevergirl]

I think that both individuals in a marriage should honor one another. The woman doesn’t deserve more honor then the guy though. I know that the bible says in Peter that the man should honor his wife but the bible also says that the woman should show respect for her husband.

Opening doors for people, helping with heavy packages etc just seems polite to me. I open doors for guys all the time.

Women are physically weaker then men-most women are anyway- so it makes sense logically that they need more help caring packages etc.

Not saying thank you is rude no matter who does it.

.

agree with your post

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

I think that both individuals in a marriage should honor one another. The woman doesn’t deserve more honor then the guy though. I know that the bible says in Peter that the man should honor his wife but the bible also says that the woman should show respect for her husband.

Of course, both should be honored. I disagree that she shouldn’t hold more honor. For me, I work to support her financially. I let her go first in practically everything to show my honor for her place. And she in turn honors me as the father and husband and supporter of the family.

Opening doors for people, helping with heavy packages etc just seems polite to me. I open doors for guys all the time.

Yes, it is. I don’t expect women to open doors for me as a matter of courtesy. It seems backwards.

Women are physically weaker then men-most women are anyway- so it makes sense logically that they need more help caring packages etc.

Not saying thank you is rude no matter who does it.

Yes, you are right. I suppose I’m an old-school 36 year old Southerner at heart and don’t understand the new generation of ladies who seek to be like men in so many ways. They aren’t giving us traditional men the opportunity to hold them gently in our minds and hands.

Peace…

MW

 

[stbruno]

There are many ways that a young couple, together, can show respect for each other’s birth family. One of the best ways is being a good spouse to their child or parent to their grandchild. Besides why does the guy ask his future inlaws if his future wife doesn’t ask her future inlaws for permission?

Because I am in the south, I see this custom played out often. I can honestly say that this seems to have no bearing at all on the way the couple treat one another or their future inlaws. I’ve seen both great and horrible marriages in which the future spouse asked the girl’s dad for her hand in marriage. So, I am not convinced that this proves that the guy will respect his future wife or inlaws more because he asks permission of the dad before hand.

I could see the couple coming as a unit to ask BOTH sets of parents for their blessings on their future union, That makes sense to me.

While that might have worked…I still had not asked my future wife for her hand in marriage. And we do marriage prep for the diocese and that is one of the questions we ask the couple. After all, in most cases, the parents are asked by the bride or groom to come to the church to do witness affadavits stating that their children are free to marry in the church…so the gesture just seems like more than just a triviality in this case.

 

[deb1]

.

It may just be our situation, by DW has 4 sisters. So of the 5 marriages, only 1 man asked for permission. Guess how many marriages remain intact.

I’ve known of women in abusive situations whose husbands asked for their hand in marriage . I don’t think that asking for permission to marry your wife has any bearing whatsoever on the man’s disposition especially here in the south where such a custom is expected by others.

Let me say, that I don’t think that asking permission makes a man likely to be a wife beater. I didn’t mean to imply that. I just think that it has no bearing at all on the man’s ability to be a good husband.

Take gender, social equality, etc out of the equation. When a man marries a woman, two families become joined together. Why would you not give both families the opportunity to help the man be sure he’s made the right decision, and can support the woman spiritually, emotionally and financially? I assume the man talks to his own parents about his intentions, then talks to the woman’s parents, and it’s much better to talk about pros and cons of a union when only 1 of the two parties is present, and the other isn’t already wearing a ring…

Then why can’t the female by the groom’s family to deduce if she is ready to spiritually and emotionally support the man? A marriage goes through a lot of upheavals and down turns. I want the future bride of my son to have a strong moral and emotional core to her make up.

Let me say also that I respect all you guys on this thread because you all seem like wonderful husbands and fathers.

 

[deb1]

es, you are right. I suppose I’m an old-school 36 year old Southerner at heart and don’t understand the new generation of ladies who seek to be like men in so many ways. They aren’t giving us traditional men the opportunity to hold them gently in our minds and hands.

Peace…

MW

I am 41 so I am pretty old fashioned in most respects myself:blush:

If a young man came to my husband for permission, I think that his reaction would depend on conversations that he had already had with our daughter. We certainly wouldn’t be offended. But if our daughters came to us and announced that she was getting married to a great guy, we wouldn’t offended either.

 

[teme]

I’ve known of women in abusive situations whose husbands asked for their hand in marriage . I don’t think that asking for permission to marry your wife has any bearing whatsoever on the man’s disposition especially here in the south where such a custom is expected by others.

Unfortunately, you are right in that. Maybe more telling would be whether the man is asking because he wants to, and values the future in-law’s opinion, or whether doing it as custom. But still, the devil works on us all, so even the most well-intentioned husband (or wife) could fall to sin and become abusive…

 

[GratefulDad]

I’ve known of women in abusive situations whose husbands asked for their hand in marriage . I don’t think that asking for permission to marry your wife has any bearing whatsoever on the man’s disposition especially here in the south where such a custom is expected by others.

Let me say, that I don’t think that asking permission makes a man likely to be a wife beater. I didn’t mean to imply that. I just think that it has no bearing at all on the man’s ability to be a good husband.

Then why can’t the female by the groom’s family to deduce if she is ready to spiritually and emotionally support the man? A marriage goes through a lot of upheavals and down turns. I want the future bride of my son to have a strong moral and emotional core to her make up.

Let me say also that I respect all you guys on this thread because you all seem like wonderful husbands and fathers.

But Deb, you’ve been married long enough, right? To know all those little things in a marriage do add up. From the beginning to the end. Taking your wife out to dinner and pull the chair out for her isn’t necessary, but it sure is nice. As well, saying the Rosary together isn’t a requirement, but when you make time to do so, it is one of those wonderful little things. By the way, they’re also free of charge.

 

[whatevergirl]

Of course, both should be honored. I disagree that she shouldn’t hold more honor. For me, I work to support her financially. I let her go first in practically everything to show my honor for her place. And she in turn honors me as the father and husband and supporter of the family.

Yes, it is. I don’t expect women to open doors for me as a matter of courtesy. It seems backwards.

Yes, you are right. I suppose I’m an old-school 36 year old Southerner at heart and don’t understand the new generation of ladies who seek to be like men in so many ways. They aren’t giving us traditional men the opportunity to hold them gently in our minds and hands.

Peace…

MW

I think it’s common courtesy for both men and women, if applicable and possible at that given time to hold the door, to do so. I am old fashioned in a man asking a woman though, for her hand in marriage–not for a woman to ask the man. So, in some regards I’m old fashioned, in others, I’m flexible. My husband still opens my car door, pulls the chair out when we go out to eat just he and I, etc…it’s definitely a nice gesture. But, if a woman holds to door for you–she is being polite. I think that women have become rather impolite creatures across the board in our times, too. Chivalry is not dead though–I agree. I don’t think it’s necessary, but it’s a nice gesture. It shows the man is willing to take steps to engaging the family into his decisions, when it comes to their daughter. However, I am hopeful that my future daughter in law would also sit with my husband and me, when my son asks a girl to marry him some day, to seek our blessing, as well. We are just as concerned with who our son marries, as much as who our daughter marries.