Yea or Nay: Asking For A Daughter's Hand In Marriage

[Phemie]

both sons-in-law asked to speak to DH and formally asked permission (or told their intentions) either way it was very sweet, while the girls and mom waited. girls felt it made their engagement special. sure they had already settled things but the gesture was much appreciated.

SIL approached DH and asked for permission to ask DD to marry him. DD knew nothing about it – or, I should say she didn’t know he was going to do that – but since, to our chagrin, they had been living together for 2 years, she had to be expecting a proposal at some point.

When DH told me what had happened I went to SIL, put both hands on his shoulders and said “I’m very happy that you want to marry DD. I only hope that if DH had said ‘no’ you were still going to ask her.”

We then waited 3 weeks for him to pop the question.

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

I think it’s common courtesy for both men and women, if applicable and possible at that given time to hold the door, to do so. I am old fashioned in a man asking a woman though, for her hand in marriage–not for a woman to ask the man. So, in some regards I’m old fashioned, in others, I’m flexible. My husband still opens my car door, pulls the chair out when we go out to eat just he and I, etc…it’s definitely a nice gesture. But, if a woman holds to door for you–she is being polite. I think that women have become rather impolite creatures across the board in our times, too. Chivalry is not dead though–I agree. I don’t think it’s necessary, but it’s a nice gesture. It shows the man is willing to take steps to engaging the family into his decisions, when it comes to their daughter. However, I am hopeful that my future daughter in law would also sit with my husband and me, when my son asks a girl to marry him some day, to seek our blessing, as well. We are just as concerned with who our son marries, as much as who our daughter marries.

I don’t have any sons at the moment. But, I would want any girl that he wants to marry to come to my wife and I and talk about their decision. I wouldn’t expect her to seek our blessing, because in my mind that is reserved for males to do so. We should certainly be just as concerned as to who the son marries as to who the daughter marries, for sure.

I guess I’m stuck in my own ways and find it difficult to move past my traditions. Oh, for the good ole’ days

Thank you for your reply.

Peace…

MW

 

[bilop]

My wife and I are very traditional, but I did not and would not ask her father for permission, and my wife agreed.

Our reasoning was simple. We were going to get married whatever he said. If he said no, it wouldn’t have changed our minds, therefore, to us, asking was hypocritical.

That said, I get along great with my in-laws

God Bless

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t have any sons at the moment. But, I would want any girl that he wants to marry to come to my wife and I and talk about their decision. I wouldn’t expect her to seek our blessing, because in my mind that is reserved for males to do so. We should certainly be just as concerned as to who the son marries as to who the daughter marries, for sure.

I guess I’m stuck in my own ways and find it difficult to move past my traditions. Oh, for the good ole’ days

Thank you for your reply.

Peace…

MW

You know what? This sounds reasonable, and I could see my husband and I wishing for this. I wouldn’t look at a potential fiance of my dd’s as not good for her, if he doesn’t ask us for a marriage blessing. If the guy is a bum/jerk/fill in the blank–it wouldn’t take long for me to tell my dd what exactly I think of him–ha! In other words, he’d be rather foolish to ask us for our blessing, if we thought my dd was getting herself into a bad situation. I’m part Italian…we don’t mince words.

 

[Fidelia]

I dislike this custom. Two adults need to bring themselves into a marriage by their own full consent and volition. I don’t really see any necessity for the parents to enter the picture, as far as whether or not a couple can marry.

 

[Fidelia]

When DH told me what had happened I went to SIL, put both hands on his shoulders and said “I’m very happy that you want to marry DD. I only hope that if DH had said ‘no’ you were still going to ask her.”

Exactly, I would hope so too.

 

[GratefulDad]

You know what? This sounds reasonable, and I could see my husband and I wishing for this. I wouldn’t look at a potential fiance of my dd’s as not good for her, if he doesn’t ask us for a marriage blessing. If the guy is a bum/jerk/fill in the blank–it wouldn’t take long for me to tell my dd what exactly I think of him–ha! In other words, he’d be rather foolish to ask us for our blessing, if we thought my dd was getting herself into a bad situation. I’m part Italian…we don’t mince words.

Fidelia, "I dislike this custom. …Point well taken, if this in not the custom in your part of the world then it probably is not appropriate.

Also, I never gave this, much thought until mine were out of high school. But as some of the older girls we know and family members started getting married the idea has grown on me. In fact even when my girls(wife included), hear about a new engagement, they always ask these questions, almost in order.

How big is the ring?
How did he propose? On one knee, was it romantic, blah, blah.
Did he ask your Daddy, for your hand?

 

[whatevergirl]

Fidelia, "I dislike this custom. …Point well taken, if this in not the custom in your part of the world then it probably is not appropriate.

Also, I never gave this, much thought until mine were out of high school. But as some of the older girls we know and family members started getting married the idea has grown on me. In fact even when my girls(wife included), hear about a new engagement, they always ask these questions, almost in order.

How big is the ring?
How did he propose? On one knee, was it romantic, blah, blah.
Did he ask your Daddy, for your hand?

yes…the most important questions they are getting out of the way–so what???

 

[jwashu]

I didn’t see it as a property thing… lol and neither did my wife (quite a budding feminist at the time, early 90s). Rather it was a sign of respect that I had her Father’s (Parents) permission to ASK her. I think that may be the confusion. I didn’t go ask to have her hand, I went and ask their permission to ASK HER.

Glad I did too, over 13 years and 3 wonderful sons later we are still very happy!

Joe

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I found out after I was engaged that xh did not ask my parents for permission before he asked me. I came from a family where brothers drove long distances in snowstorms to ask potential in-laws, and where a sister’s BF asked my parents. My fiance did not treat my relationship with my family much respect before the wedding. And it went downhill afterward. I am pretty sure he did not ask his other fiancee’s parents for permission either. Some attitudes of disrespect and contempt pervade a whole marriage. Asking a parent for permission doesn’t guarantee good treatment, but someone who views your family with such contempt that he doesn’t think they deserve to be asked is waving red flags all over the place.

 

[Phemie]

I found out after I was engaged that xh did not ask my parents for permission before he asked me. I came from a family where brothers drove long distances in snowstorms to ask potential in-laws, and where a sister’s BF asked my parents. My fiance did not treat my relationship with my family much respect before the wedding. And it went downhill afterward. I am pretty sure he did not ask his other fiancee’s parents for permission either. Some attitudes of disrespect and contempt pervade a whole marriage. Asking a parent for permission doesn’t guarantee good treatment, but someone who views your family with such contempt that he doesn’t think they deserve to be asked is waving red flags all over the place.

I don’t see it as a sign of respect but a quaint custom that I had never expected our SIL to adhere to.

DH proposed to me on our 3rd date:
“Would you like a diamond for Christmas?”
“No, I hate jewelery, but I’ll marry you.”

We never said anything to my parents until I had a ring on my finger 6 months later. I think if my parents had been asked they’d have said no. I realized many years into our marriage that they didn’t really like DH.

 

[chevalier]

On some level, it feels like the right thing to do. It even warms the heart if you think about it as a considerate and respectful tradition.

On the other hand, the woman should be mature enough to give her consent and if she isn’t, then she shouldn’t be marrying. I wouldn’t marry anyone of a doubtful ability to consent. I would hesitate about marrying someone who depended on her parents for consent.

I would love to have that consent and… even permission perhaps. I would feel bad without it. At the same time, it would feel wrong not to marry someone because her parents didn’t consent while she did.

At any rate, marriage consent needs to be understood as coming from the man and the woman, the parents not being able to invalidate or supplant that consent.

 

[Just_wondering]

I like the tradition of a man asking his potential fiancee’s parents for their blessing. Permission, not so much.

My boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet but he has the ring picked out and he’s asked me my ring size (I don’t know it! ) so it’s probably coming soon. He hasn’t met my parents yet - international relationship - so I know he hasn’t asked them yet either. My parents would never expect or demand that he ask them, but I like the idea of him showing respect for their feelings. I suspect, given our circumstances, that he’ll propose, and then when he meets my family a year from now, he will have “the talk” with them. My brothers will probably want to participate.

I am not so convinced about a woman asking her potential fiance’s parents for a blessing. It just seems wrong to me - I can’t put my finger on why, exactly. I should, though - I’m the one taking my boyfriend away from his parents, since he’ll be moving to Canada with me after we get married. Still, it just seems wrong. When I meet them, though, I will have “the talk” anyway, I suspect. His sister already interrogated me over the phone about my intentions to make sure I wasn’t going to take advantage of her little brother. Fair 'nuff.

 

[LilyM]

I like the tradition of a man asking his potential fiancee’s parents for their blessing. Permission, not so much.

My boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet but he has the ring picked out and he’s asked me my ring size (I don’t know it! ) so it’s probably coming soon. He hasn’t met my parents yet - international relationship - so I know he hasn’t asked them yet either. My parents would never expect or demand that he ask them, but I like the idea of him showing respect for their feelings. I suspect, given our circumstances, that he’ll propose, and then when he meets my family a year from now, he will have “the talk” with them. My brothers will probably want to participate.

I am not so convinced about a woman asking her potential fiance’s parents for a blessing. It just seems wrong to me - I can’t put my finger on why, exactly. I should, though - I’m the one taking my boyfriend away from his parents, since he’ll be moving to Canada with me after we get married. Still, it just seems wrong. When I meet them, though, I will have “the talk” anyway, I suspect. His sister already interrogated me over the phone about my intentions to make sure I wasn’t going to take advantage of her little brother. Fair 'nuff.

My thoughts too - IMHO adults neither require nor should seek their parents permission to marry, it betrays a lack of trust in their own judgement and a lack of independence. But out of consideration for the family (since future spouse becomes de facto a family member) it’s nice to ask for their blessing.

Never seriously considered the idea of the girl asking the blessing of her fiance’s family - but I guess for similar reasons similar courtesy should be extended to them as well if possible.

Having said that, I don’t think it necessarily has to be done in a formal way or anything - I believe with some of my older sisters it was more of a case of my parents just having ‘the talk’ with future husband about their intentions (a short one in Dad’s case, he’s not a big talker ) rather than any sort of formal request of permission/blessing/ whatever.

 

[AHapka]

In this situation my soon-to-be wife said she though it would be nice if I asked her dad. And being the good fiance, I of course did what she wanted.

Her dad’s reply: “Well, me and Lori pretty much did what we wanted, so we figure you two are just going to do what you want anyway.”

Then there was the light-hearted discussion about the no return policy (even with a receipt!), which he also brought up again on our wedding day.

But he did later tell my wife that he was really glad I asked I also found out that years earlier when he made known his intentions of marrying my MIL, MIL’s mom offered her $250 to not marry him So sometimes the asking doesn’t always go as planned…

 

[Nechasin]

I will second or third that it depends on the situation. I grew up in the south, and had always intended on asking my future father-in-law for his permission to marry his daughter. But my dw dad was an abusive alcoholic who would had said no just to be mean, so it didn’t happen. I would expect that my daughters future husbands would asked for my blessing, not permission, because it wouldn’t stop them if I didn’t give it. The blessing idea is great.

 

[HannahLisa]

My boyfriend was still in high school when he decided he wanted to marry me. I told him he had to graduate from high school and get the permission of my dad and his parents before he proposed. This was mostly because I’m pretty sure both his parents and mine would have been a bit freaked out and not too happy with it if we got engaged before that.

As it is, though, we’ll probably be engaged this summer. My family loves him – my mother told me that if I didn’t have such a good college situation and he wasn’t still in high school they might be telling us to hurry up already. My parents are also very much of the attitude of “you’re an adult, why are you asking us for permission for anything?” so I doubt they’ll object. My boyfriend has told his family that he’s hoping to get married to me, though they don’t know how soon he’s hoping to make that official It’ll be a long engagement, though.

If both parties have good parents, then I think it shows respect to talk with them about it and see how they think about it. I do not think they should necessarily not get married if parents say no, but as a sign of respect I think it’s a good thing. Ideally the guy should talk to his parents about his intentions and then talk to the girl’s parents. The girl doesn’t really get to do anything because he’s the one proposing.

 

[Guitar]

Definite nay for me, but that is a very personal view. For those who appreciate the custom, its a wonderful thing, so I agree with the posters who say it depends on the situation.

In my case, I was very young, my fiance was closer to my mother’s age than mine, and there were boundary/independence-establishing issues between me and my family. At that time, establishing my right to exist as an individual and not an extension of others was a stage I had to work through and it helped when my much-older fiance showed respect for the fact that I was a self-supporting adult and did not try to “get on my parents’ level” rather than mine (say by addressing them by their Christian names). For him to ask my father/parents, even symbolically, or speak to my family about it before asking me, would not have been appropriate for us. He wouldnt have felt comfortable anyway, even if he’d thought I wanted him to ask, and had he asked my (very traditional) father, the first thing Dad would have said is, “it is entirely a matter for her to decide”.

For others with a different experience of family, it is of course a completely different matter.

 

[Guitar]

Why would you not give both families the opportunity to help the man be sure he’s made the right decision, and can support the woman spiritually, emotionally and financially? I assume the man talks to his own parents about his intentions, then talks to the woman’s parents, and it’s much better to talk about pros and cons of a union when only 1 of the two parties is present, and the other isn’t already wearing a ring…

In ideal families, or even pretty darn good ones, this would work, and I agree that pre-engagement is the time for pressure-free discussion.

In my case …

MIL and FIL were deceased, H and MIL would have talked it over (actually MIL would have gently offered her opinion) but none of us would have involved FIL in any way at all, thanks very much.

My mother was the sort who anytime she wasn’t in a stew felt she must be irresponsibly overlooking something that needed worrying about and thereby guilty of dereliction of duty. No man other than a carbon copy of Dad (i.e. the only man who filled her personally with confidence and met all her needs) would have been acceptable. She had no ability to understand that my needs were totally different and had no idea whatsoever about the spiritual and emotional support I would need - she would only have been able to advise a fiance on how to meet her own needs projected onto me. My Dad was level-headed and loving man. Once he saw that a fiance demonstrated no major character flaws and would not endanger the practice of my faith, the rest as far as he was concerned was a matter for me to judge and for him to keep his opinions out of lest he influence a decision that I should be left to make rationally and unemotionally and without any pressure in either direction.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be in a family where you could freely, safely and productively do as Teme says, rather than it be an opportunity for people to beat you around with their own fixations and insecurities and refusal to see you as you and not an extension of them. No way would this have been useful to us.

But, as for my earlier post, that is a very personal view.

 

[deb1]

But Deb, you’ve been married long enough, right? To know all those little things in a marriage do add up. From the beginning to the end. Taking your wife out to dinner and pull the chair out for her isn’t necessary, but it sure is nice. As well, saying the Rosary together isn’t a requirement, but when you make time to do so, it is one of those wonderful little things. By the way, they’re also free of charge.

Yes, those little things matter. But of course, both men and women should be doing nice things for one another all through the marriage. Bringing your hubby a sandwich while he watches a football game, or just praising him for being a good man are nice things that a woman can do back to her hubby.