Yea or Nay: Asking For A Daughter's Hand In Marriage

[GratefulDad]

Yes, those little things matter. But of course, both men and women should be doing nice things for one another all through the marriage. Bringing your hubby a sandwich while he watches a football game, or just praising him for being a good man are nice things that a woman can do back to her hubby.

Awww, what a great wifey:thumbsup: and know dought, your are correct. I’d like to hear your option on this when your girls are in their early 20’s though.

 

[deb1]

Awww, what a great wifey:thumbsup: and know dought, your are correct. I’d like to hear your option on this when your girls are in their early 20’s though.

They are nine and eleven. But it will depend on how their dad feels about the whole issue. I am not the one getting asked, after all.

By they way, I wouldn’t throw the poor guy out if he asks my husband for permission.

 

[Fidelia]

They are nine and eleven. But it will depend on how their dad feels about the whole issue. I am not the one getting asked, after all.

By they way, I wouldn’t throw the poor guy out if he asks my husband for permission.

What about how the girl feels about it? I think that if she likes the sentiment of her guy going and asking her father if he can marry her/asking to ask her/asking for either permission or blessing, however it’s put, then fine. But if she dislikes the custom and would feel disrespected by her guy doing it, then he should respect how she feels, and they can come up with a different way of sharing the good news with their parents.

 

[deb1]

What about how the girl feels about it? I think that if she likes the sentiment of her guy going and asking her father if he can marry her/asking to ask her/asking for either permission or blessing, however it’s put, then fine. But if she dislikes the custom and would feel disrespected by her guy doing it, then he should respect how she feels, and they can come up with a different way of sharing the good news with their parents.

I agree with you. Personally, I would not have wanted my husband to ask my step dad for my hand.

A man that went ahead with this tradition and ignored his future wife’s dislike of it would not be respectful of her.

 

[Jofantioch]

I have always been uncomfortable though with this tradition .

I am uncomfortable with it too. Especially since my parents are atheists and their standards are worldly. Why not approach her priest? He’s her father, no? Why not formally ask His blessing through the priest? Then you just tell the good news to the family.

Perhaps I’m jaded, but I wouldn’t trust my parents with such a decision.

 

[Fidelia]

I am uncomfortable with it too. Especially since my parents are atheists and their standards are worldly. Why not approach her priest? He’s her father, no? Why not formally ask His blessing through the priest? Then you just tell the good news to the family.

Perhaps I’m jaded, but I wouldn’t trust my parents with such a decision.

That is a nice idea. Since, ideally, I would think a couple contemplating getting engaged would be speaking with one of their priests before taking the step.

 

[3Bambinos]

My husband asked both my mom and my dad for their blessing of his decision to ask me to marry him. I thought this was beautiful. However, my sister thinks this tradition is archaic and useless, and makes the woman “a posession to be transferred from father to husband.” I think that maybe some may do it that way (which of course would be horrible!) but I love the way my husband did it! I found it to be respectful of the fact that my parents took care of me and invested every bit of themselves in loving me and nurturing me. Why shouldn’t they be informed ahead of time about something so huge in their daughter’s life?

BTW, my sister instructed her dh not to ask for permission. After she accepted his proposal, they told my parents together.

I am not sure what my husband would have done if my parents told him they were against the engagement! That would have been bad…

 

[deb1]

My husband asked both my mom and my dad for their blessing of his decision to ask me to marry him. I thought this was beautiful. However, my sister thinks this tradition is archaic and useless, and makes the woman “a posession to be transferred from father to husband.” I think that maybe some may do it that way (which of course would be horrible!) but I love the way my husband did it! I found it to be respectful of the fact that my parents took care of me and invested every bit of themselves in loving me and nurturing me. Why shouldn’t they be informed ahead of time about something so huge in their daughter’s life?

BTW, my sister instructed her dh not to ask for permission. After she accepted his proposal, they told my parents together.

I am not sure what my husband would have done if my parents told him they were against the engagement! That would have been bad…

I think that this is probably an issue in which the man knows his wife’s feelings BEFORE he continues with the practice. Many women find it romantic, others would be deeply offended. Not listening to your future spouse’s feelings about this custom would not be a good sign for the marriage, I would think.

I would also hope that any man who did ask the for the parent’s blessing/permission would know ahead of time that the girl was leaning toward saying yes. Can you imagine that pressure a young woman would feel if her parents really, really like her boyfriend and knew that he was going to pop the question but she was still uncertain about her own feelings?

 

[mom2Grace]

I asked my then future fiance to ask my dad for his blessing before we got engaged. In my now-dh’s family, this wasn’t a normal tradition so he was a little reluctant, but I insisted. I wanted to include my parents. I know my dad wouldn’t oppose unless the guy was really awful, and even then would just bring up points to think about. In my case, the guy wasn’t awful, just Catholic, which I suppose was pretty bad for my Methodist pastor father, but we still got his blessing.

 

[Phemie]

I asked my then future fiance to ask my dad for his blessing before we got engaged. In my now-dh’s family, this wasn’t a normal tradition so he was a little reluctant, but I insisted. I wanted to include my parents. I know my dad wouldn’t oppose unless the guy was really awful, and even then would just bring up points to think about. In my case, the guy wasn’t awful, just Catholic, which I suppose was pretty bad for my Methodist pastor father, but we still got his blessing.

My friend, whose father was a Methodist minister, married a Hindu. Her dad’s reaction? “Could have been worse, you might have picked a Catholic.”

 

[mom2Grace]

My friend, whose father was a Methodist minister, married a Hindu. Her dad’s reaction? “Could have been worse, you might have picked a Catholic.”

I don’t know if my parents would go that far in their thinking, but it’s pretty close. Even worse? He converted me, so now they have a Catholic daughter.

However, like I said, we got their blessing. I think in a healthy parent/adult child relationship, a man asking for a woman’s hand in marriage isn’t like asking for permission, maybe more like seeking advice. In my case anyway. Similar but not equal to getting your parent’s advice on if you should buy a house or not…parents of an adult child couldn’t forbit it even if they thought it was a second choice house, but they could give their (name removed by moderator)ut and leave the adult child to make the choice. If I really thought my dad would say no, I wouldn’t have the guy ask in the first place!

 

[chevalier]

My friend, whose father was a Methodist minister, married a Hindu. Her dad’s reaction? “Could have been worse, you might have picked a Catholic.”

I had to make a choice once… Or rather the choice was made for me. I don’t regret the outcome.

 

[proudnifi]

I’m a fairly traditional Southern woman. However, I didn’t want my husband to ask my parents/dad for my hand. DH knew this and respected my wishes. I think if I would have preferred the other way, he’d have had some kind of conversation with my dad. I see it as a throwback to women being property and since we were in our very late 20s, out of our parent’s houses and self-supporting, it also seemed silly. My cousins have the opposite view and I’m happy they’ve found guys who asked talked with my uncle. : )

(We do respect our families. Our parents were the first ones we called - and DH had a phone ready to call them immediately after he popped the question.)

 

[Asillia]

We called our parents right away too And in fact, my fiance did talk to our priest before he propsed (our priest was trying to get him to propose sooner than he had planned, hehe).

Reading all the responses, I do think that having a ‘talk’ with the parents (not just the father - the mother deserves respect too!) can be a really nice gesture, to announce your intentions, and express how much you appreciate them, and assure them you will care well for their child. Also, if there ARE issues to be addressed, they can be brought up (although in some ways, if somebody has to have those issues pointed out or get confirmation that, yes, they are ready to be married…maybe they AREN’T ready).

However, I must take issue with this:

*Of course, both should be honored. I disagree that she shouldn’t hold more honor. For me, I work to support her financially. I let her go first in practically everything to show my honor for her place. And she in turn honors me as the father and husband and supporter of the family.

Yes, it is. I don’t expect women to open doors for me as a matter of courtesy. It seems backwards.

Yes, you are right. I suppose I’m an old-school 36 year old Southerner at heart and don’t understand the new generation of ladies who seek to be like men in so many ways. They aren’t giving us traditional men the opportunity to hold them gently in our minds and hands.

Peace…

MW*
Now, I KNOW you obviously mean well. But this is actually a subtle form of misogyny that has plagued women. Holding women on a pedestal often leads to their abuse, because they have farther to fall, and they are often demonized when they don’t live up to the expectations on them, or fit the image being projected onto them. Being polite and holding a door open for a man is not a woman ‘seeking to be a man’ or rejecting her feminity (I also have many issues with modern feminists, especially those who seek to deny the value of things that are traditionally seen as feminine - that is also misogynistic! - or that insist we have to be the same to be equal). Men and women both deserved to be honored, perhaps for different things, but they are still equal in God’s image. I like your first paragraph - you describe the differences in the way you honor each other, but that doesn’t mean one is greater than the other.

Also, to be feminine is not to be fragile and needing to be held ‘gently’. Now, I LOVE a gentle man, and it is a very important skill to have, and I think we all need to let go of our pride enough to allow people to be gentle with us. But sometimes it’s not what we need. Give us a little more credit.

This is a matter I am very passionate about, and I’ve read a lot of JP II’s words on the subject too. I don’t think he would say feminity is fragile at all. And there are many ways a woman can be feminine. Sometimes I embrace my feminity through camping and roughing it outside. I don’t think it makes me less of a woman. Everything I do is feminine, because that is how I was created.

 

[jman507]

Personally I would do it out of more self-centered reasons. It would not so much be out of trying to get their approval, but it is a sense of acknowledgement they really have sacrificed more out of their love for her, than at that point I have. It would be to show gratitude to the ones who’ve helped raised her. They’ve gone through the trials and tribulations, I’ve not yet. Asking for her hand, is a humbling experience that keeps my mindset this relationship will be humbling all along, and to not start to think it will all be good times. The joy they had on the part of having her in their life, has came with much sacrifice. The joy is certainly worth it. It though will be a sacrifice I plan on sharing in too along with them.

One of the benefits of the formalism is it give me a chance to get a feel of many dynamics. If I marry her, I’m marrying into the family. It will also give me an idea on how the interaction between her and the family is. In the end I’d like to know I could use them to get a sense of how best to get along with her regarding her temperament and personality.

Permission is just fine, in the end the parents may have a say but they also have no authority in the decision making. To that end they may or may not have permission to go to the wedding.

I guess for myself it may be different. I have always been rather independent. I see the benefits of interdependence. I don’t want to be cool and play off the people that do care. It takes a lot of work keeping those connections with people who care, but when the times comes they can be very important.

Basically the most important reason for myself to ask for a daughter’s hand is marriage would be solely my own personal reasons. It would be done for me to honor the sacrifice done on the behalf of the one I love, because to sacrifice out of love is important for me. It would give me a chance to see the dynamics of the relationships to those who are important to her, because I will go into that fold, and also I will be important to her. It is not an impinging on our independence, for me it would acknowledge my and our interdependence – dependence on our own terms.

Hopefully it would be well received by her family, but that is only so important for me. If it is not, so be it. Also I find it more important to do it to the ones who raised her, and not some much a nominal parent. If it was a parent that was not around, I wouldn’t care very much. I would not do it to one abused her. If she refused to allow me to do so, my stubborn self would probably put the marriage on hold. It is the principle of the matter.

 

[jman507]

Now, I KNOW you obviously mean well. But this is actually a subtle form of misogyny that has plagued women.

Thanks, I know you mean well by that comment, but that is a slap in the face. Actually no on principle it might be nice to be slapped in the face.

 

[deb1]

Hopefully it would be well received by her family, but that is only so important for me. If it is not, so be it. Also I find it more important to do it to the ones who raised her, and not some much a nominal parent. If it was a parent that was not around, I wouldn’t care very much. I would not do it to one abused her. If she refused to allow me to do so, my stubborn self would probably put the marriage on hold. It is the principle of the matter.

Thus far I have understood most of the people on this thread’s views. I might not agree on them but I do understand where they are coming from.

If the family would be uncomfortable with you asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage are you saying that you would ask anyway? That doesn’t sound very respectful of their feelings. In fact, it sounds the opposite of honoring them for their contribution to their daughter’s upbringing.

Of course, hopefully you will fall madly in love with someone who agrees with you on this issue so there is smooth sailing for you both.

 

[jman507]

Thus far I have understood most of the people on this thread’s views. I might not agree on them but I do understand where they are coming from.

If the family would be uncomfortable with you asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage are you saying that you would ask anyway? That doesn’t sound very respectful of their feelings. In fact, it sounds the opposite of honoring them for their contribution to their daughter’s upbringing.

Of course, hopefully you will fall madly in love with someone who agrees with you on this issue so there is smooth sailing for you both.

No, I’m not really respectful of their feelings. As I said, I am self centered on this, I care what is going to get me in the right mindset for the marriage. If the to be wife doesn’t like it, then I assume we are going to have plenty of values we may not agree on, and thats not good. In the end, I might have to strong-arm my own feeling of family dynamics.

 

[Asillia]

Thanks, I know you mean well by that comment, but that is a slap in the face. Actually no on principle it might be nice to be slapped in the face.

How about you speak to me in a straightforward fashion, instead of a little jab? Either you know I mean well, or you think I don’t. Give me some reasons and a well thought out argument, not a snippy remark.

And if it IS a slap in the face (not the intent, and I don’t think I was very brash), well, I think sometimes we need one. Just because you don’t want it to be misogyny doesn’t make it not so. Despite the warmest intentions of some, these are attitudes that do hurt women. Maybe not even the particular woman the actions are towards, but I do think it colors how we look and treat the gender as a whole.

I am sorry if you think I am calling you a misogynist, which would be very offensive. But in my mind, there is a distinction between misogyny and a person who is a misogynist. I don’t think everybody who is guilty of something that has an element of misogyny in it is a misogynist. I think we all are guilty of these on some levels, including myself and other women. Given our society, I think it’s hard NOT to be misogynistic in some way (or anti humanity in general, really).

As it turns out I was actually about to reply that I thought your response was very beautiful and a lovely attitude to have towards marriage, sacrifice, etc.

Let me state again that I am not against the idea of a man talking to his intended’s parents as a guesture of respect, honor, getting to know the family, showing your humility, wanting to be a part of the family, etc…especially if it is something meaningful to the girl. It would have been sweet if my fiance could have done so, but we live in a different state. The major thing I am against is the idea that a woman has a different status than a man - be it lesser OR greater - or that one deserves more honor than the other. This does NOT mean I think we should all be the same, or that each gender does not have a predisposition to strengths and weaknesses that we can teach each other.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with you Asillia.

Overall, I think it’s a nice gesture…it doesn’t need to imply anything more than respect for the other’s family. I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary. I will say that if I have (I hope to!) a good relationship with who my kids get serious about some day…their bf/gf (I have 1 boy, 1 girl) will feel naturally inclined to sharing their intent with my husband and me. It won’t be a major feat for them to ‘ask’ us what we think–they will hopefully, by that point–be so comfortable with us, that we will all talk about such things, naturally. The whole asking of the hand in marriage–imagine if the answer was no? lol