Years of Family Abuse- Prayers/advice appreciated

  • Thread starter Thread starter jesus000
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

jesus000

Guest
Hi CAF,

This is a long thread, and I have posted 3 more parts of it below. We would greatly appreciate prayers, and any advice. Thank you very much.

I met my husband 6 years ago. I was a non-practicing Christian, and started going to mass with him. 6 months after we started dating, I decided to attend RCIA, and shortly after that, his mother came to visit for 3 weeks.

During this time, I was open to God’s will, but naturally having a hard time understanding the saints, Mary, Eucharist, how/why to genuflect, etc. I never did any mortal sins, (we all do venial), but was doing my best to seek God’s will, and be a holy person. I thank God for the understanding I have today, and learn something new every day.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law came on a bit too strong in the beginning, was putting a lot of pressure on me, didn’t really explain things kindly or lovingly, and I felt very unwelcome. She didn’t understand why I was having a hard to understand the life of the saints, and practically everything else. After the first week (I usually saw them once a day for lunch or dinner or to walk around), I told my then boyfriend it was becoming a little too much. I didn’t feel comfortable given the circumstances and the pressure.

The last two weeks didn’t go extremely well, because unfortunately my mother-in-law’s ways were rubbing off on my boyfriend, and I felt super unwelcome and belittled constantly by both

After she left, I was happy, but a few days after she arrived home, she started to send hate-emails to my husband about how it’s important to mix with the right people, how i’m just a little secular girl, and how she flew all that way to meet me and didn’t get to know me very well.

First of all, I didn’t even say the worst of what she said, and her behavior was very unChristlike from the beginning. And it was rubbing off on my boyfriend, causing us to argue more than usual, and if I had been the person I am today, I am sure I would’ve broken up with my boyfriend for how he treated me. But I was young, and naive, and liked him a lot.

She felt like she didn’t get to know me very well because I didn’t spend every second of the day with them. I was working over 40 hours a week, taking two university courses, I was actually very sick with a cold when she arrived and had trouble sleeping, and my uncle had died two days before she arrived so naturally I was very sad as I had been very close to him. Plus dating and going through RCIA was mentally exhausting with her there.

Needless to say, I was nice and friendly during her stay, but wasn’t completely myself, given the situation. I never got into an argument or said anything rude to her. I kept quiet as I thought what would be the point of saying anything.

Like I mentioned above, my boyfriend was more or less brain washed by her the first two years we dated. She’d send nasty emails with bizarre questions about me, he felt obligated to answer them and often would not stick up for me, and then she’d ask again over skype, and he’d explain again.

To try to be the bigger person, keep the peace, make amends, I even apologized to her over email for silly misunderstandings, and even on skype once. That did nothing to help the situation.

About a year after she came to visit, I went with my husband (then boyfriend still) to his hometown and stayed with them (in separate rooms and levels of the house). Big mistake. I was there for a very long time (6 weeks), and I was constantly told I wasn’t talking enough, I wasn’t sharing enough, which is all absurd because naturally I am a very friendly person, shared about my upbringing, photos. My then boyfriend told me my mother-in-law said I had no personality and I wasn’t the type of person she could warm up to, along with other nasty things. I worked around 3-4 hours/day just doing yard work outside, water blasting their deck, helping with dinner, and cleaning up after dinner. I made meals, and contributed to everything.

Two years after we dated, we got engaged, and my mother-in-law said to my husband that she felt very sick and unwell and wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. Ever since she met me, she had been trying to talk him out of being with me, so I guess this is what we should have expected anyway.

For a 6 month period my husband and her didn’t speak much, and we had the idea for her to stay with my family for the wedding because my husband didn’t have space, and we were in the middle of buying a new house. Then, 6 months before the wedding, the catty and abusive comments continued.

I had to convince my husband it would be a very bad idea for her to stay with my family if she disliked me so much. She even took stabs at my parents when she had never even met or spoken to them before.

Since my husband told her it wasn’t a good idea for her to stay with my family, she has gone on about feeling unwelcomed, how she would have never done that to her inlaws, we’re an abomination, etc. We said she’s welcome to come over for meals and my family would of course like to meet her. He offered to help her find a nice hotel and was so kind. But she was very ill spirited, and decided not to come. Since she decided to not come, neither did my husband’s brother, which is sad. They did however take a massive trip around Europe instead which made us a little upset.
 
I forgot to mention my mother-in-law has brought both my sister-in-law and brother-in-law into this. We had asked my brother-in-law to be the best man in our wedding, and offered to pay for his trip over which would have been thousands of dollars. But 6 months before the wedding, my husband also went to visit his family, where he was constantly attacked by his mother and brother about me, and my husband said to his brother “I am sorry but I can’t afford to fly you over(which is true, we were in the process of buying a house). and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be the best man in our wedding if you’re treating me so poorly and don’t keep in touch with me anyway when I’m away. but you’re welcome to come to the wedding”. Ever since, of course, his brother has been standoffish every time we’ve gone to visit, and he never keeps in touch with us or replies when we send emails or want to skype with him. They’ve apologized to each other, but I don’t think things will ever be the same.

Since having our son in April 2015, we haven’t really heard from my mother-in-law. We send her birthday, Christmas, Easter cards, to try to be Christlike. If we send her photos over email, she sends a mean reply, with the repetitive abusive comments she has used since 2011, and insists my husband needs to answer all of her ‘questions’ and listen to her harp on negatively about me. I think in August 2015 alone she sent 6 negative emails within 3 days, just going on about things, and my husband hadn’t replied to any. For me, it’s quite scary actually, as I’ve never met anyone who has disliked me so much. I actually have anxiety and nightmares sometimes, and think she might try to come hurt me physically, even though I live very far from her.
 
We are blessed to have such loving, supportive, prayerful friends in my husband’s home town. We were visiting his home town last month, and stayed with a family friend as we couldn’t stay with his parents of course. His family friends had the idea for us to just stop by my mother-in-laws house to say hi, and introduce her to her grandson, since we traveled all this way, and aren’t sure when we are going to come back given the situation. (What my husband said to me) which makes me feel very sad because this is where he grew up, where family and family friends are. Also before his mother met me, her and my husband had a very close relationship, which is the main reason we have tried very hard to make amends. Of course my husband really cares about his mom, as do I.

After 5 years of this going on, his family friends finally started asking for more details to try to understand the situation to see if they could help. We told them the gist of the story, and one of his family friends actually went over to her house to have a heart-to heart, and tell her she isn’t being kind. My mother-in-law said to her friend “you don’t have the right to talk to me like that”. And her family friend is very calm, and I can imagine would’ve been very loving. But our family friend thinks she’ll never hear from my mother-in-law again.

So we were driving by her street when we were visiting last month, and decided to stop by, ring the door bell, and just introduce our son casually. We thought the worst that could happen would be her not answering the door. She has done the attacking over email, skype, and in person when only my husband is around (I hadn’t seen her since our visit in 2011. We visited in 2014 when I was pregnant, and stayed with the same family friend, but it was a shorter visit. Also my husband saw her a few times to have these conversations she wanted to have to try and clear up misunderstandings but instead of trying to clear things up, she always takes stabs at him about me.

She answered the door, looked like she was about to cry, and was shaking but was trying to play casual and stay calm. She only made eye contact with my husband, and would not look at me or our son who I was holding. Being friendly, I said ‘hi , how are you, this is (sons name)’ she stepped back a few steps (I wasn’t close to her at all), and smiled. Then my husband took our son, and my mother-in-law held her for about a minute. I asked her if I could please take a photo, she agreed.

Then after a pleasant few minutes, she said to my husband, ‘you need to answer all of my emails. I’ve been waiting since August for a reply’ and my husband said ‘mom, they are very unchristlike. If you would like to try to work things out, I think it would be a good idea to have all of us see a counselor or speak to a priest to mediate. Our conversations are very unhealthy and unfruitful and we need help’.

She said ‘seeing a priest is a stupid idea. Even james (husbands’ older brother who I think has been brainwashed too) thinks so. A priest is just another man who won’t be able to help. We all have faults’. And his mother is a practicing Catholic, who attends daily mass, prayer groups, bible studies…

Then she only looks at my husband again, and starts talking about me like I’m not even standing there. Repeating the same destructive things from 2011.

Then randomly she looks at me quite scarily and says ‘when are you moving to (husbands home country)?’ I replied, ‘we are praying about it. We believe it is God’s will for us to live where we are now’. (We have spoken about moving to his home country in the past, but things are going very well for us where we are, and we are both very happy. also with the way she has behaved since she met me, it makes us not want to move there even more!).

Then she said ‘you just came to the faith. (5 years ago) There is no way you can have that type of understanding about prayer, God, our faith yet’. Which is very hurtful and belittling.

Then she turned to my husband and said ‘the only way you can be with her is if you live your life her way in (where we live now). I told you you would never come back to live in (his home town). Have a nice life in (where we live)’ which of course is all lies and we pretty much left after that.

Naturally I was a bit overwhelmed as I’ve never met someone who dislikes me so much before. Part of me wishes we never went, and we wish we left right after she started the Attacking, but we didn’t. 😦
 
The family friend we were staying with invited my mother-in-law over for dinner before this situation happened, but she refuses to be in my presence (she told family friend she’d rather not. it’s not good timing and she acts very snobby), and just wants to see her son and her grandson without me there. I had a hard enough time letting her hold my son with me right there.

The night before we left my mother-in-law wrote a bizzarre email, asking my husband to meet her at the top of the street where we were staying, if “he was allowed. it might be our final goodbyes to you (meaning her and my brother-in-law). forever”. He didn’t receive the email in time, and didn’t want to see her again anyway.

Then she goes on about my husband having "closed communication which was never really you (she thinks anything done or said against her is all me which it isn’t obviously). (he hasn’t replied to her mean emails the past few years.) We have tried to set boundaries, but it’s impossible to have any kind of conversation with her with out her attacking us. So there is really no way to communicate with her, but ignore he mean emails, and send her cards in the mail.

The day we left his hometown, she send an email questioning why my husband never replied to her emails in August, with no explanation, and said don’t use the excuse that email is a poor form of communication. I have never heard anyone else say that before. She is asking to see the photo of her with our grandson that I took. And she ended it with “If you are not interested, and want to go back to your non communicative state like last year, that is more than fine. You must not worry. But some people use silence as a weapon. But that has no effect on me. If I don’t hear within a week, I will know like last year.”

I guess the reason for me writing all of this is because I have never really shared our situation with anyone, and I’m quite scared. Being in my mother-in-law’s presence a few weeks ago and seeing how she treated us and spoke about me makes me paranoid and I don’t really feel at peace about how we are handling the situation. I honestly want to send her an email just telling her none of this is okay, it never has been, and until she sees the light, apologizes, and treats us with respect, she shouldn’t expect to hear from us. And I want to tell her how she treated me when we stopped by her house was totally inappropriate, and how I need to protect our child.

I also feel very bad for my husband because of all of this and he doesn’t want to visit his hometown for a very long time. 😦

I have forgiven my mother-in-law a long time ago and would love to include her in our lives and have a relationship with her. I know she is lovely to mostly everyone else she knows. But it’s just not God’s will I guess, and I’m not sure we will ever understand why she is like this.

When we were about to leave for the airport, but brother-in-law stopped by to say goodbye randomly, and asked us to stop by the house to say goodbye to their mom. My husband said to his brother “we’re running late as it is” and my brother-in-law said “it only takes a few minutes”. Yeah, we definitely did not want to go around there again, and be attacked.

Sorry for the long, jumbled thread, We would greatly appreciate your prayers, and any advice! Thank you very much.
 
Your husband need to tell his mother that all contact will end unless she starts treating you with respect. He needs to tell her to let him know what SHE decides.He needs to end this one way or another and give the decision to her. No calls just to him, no visits just from him–you are a family–respect you-- or nothing. Leave her alone if she does not accept this-

She is trying to break up your marriage-

Please go talk to a priest with your husband so he can help you as well.
 
mommy_k said:
Your husband need to tell his mother that all contact will end unless she starts treating you with respect. He needs to tell her to let him know what SHE decides.He needs to end this one way or another and give the decision to her. No calls just to him, no visits just from him–you are a family–respect you-- or nothing. Leave her alone if she does not accept this-

She is trying to break up your marriage-

Please go talk to a priest with your husband so he can help you as well.
Click to expand...
Exactly.

It sounds as if your husband sees what his mom is really like. He has tried to work it out with her and she wants things her way. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t get to run your life.

Sometimes, there is no choice but to cut off contact if she is not willing to stop her behavior.
You have bent over backwards to include her, cajole her, and be nice to her despite her horrific behavior. It hasn’t worked because her heart is locked closed, and has been since the the day your husband met you. In a way, I think that it is not personal. She would have done this to any woman that “took her son away from her.”

I think it is time for you and your husband and your son to have a peaceful and pleasant life without your mother in law in it if she cannot be kind.

May God bless you and your husband with peace and happiness.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Exactly.

It sounds as if your husband sees what his mom is really like. He has tried to work it out with her and she wants things her way. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t get to run your life.

Sometimes, there is no choice but to cut off contact if she is not willing to stop her behavior.
You have bent over backwards to include her, cajole her, and be nice to her despite her horrific behavior. It hasn’t worked because her heart is locked closed, and has been since the the day your husband met you. In a way, I think that it is not personal. She would have done this to any woman that “took her son away from her.”

I think it is time for you and your husband and your son to have a peaceful and pleasant life without your mother in law in it if she cannot be kind.

May God bless you and your husband with peace and happiness.
Click to expand...
Yes to everything.

She would do this to pretty much any daughter-in-law. This isn’t about you.

There is one very good thing about the OP–your husband understands his mother and when she makes him choose between her and you, he is choosing you. Give him all the hugs, because this has to be very hard on him.

I would discourage you from making big announcements to her about what you’re going to do (not talk to her)–just space out your communications and limit contact.

And get yourself into counseling with your husband for support in dealing with this emotional warfare. A priest could probably give you support that you are doing the right thing, but he wouldn’t have the time or expertise to deal with this level of crazy.
 
Yes, let your husband handle this and you stay out-- and keep praying for her!
 
Thank you for your advice, and prayers! Very much appreciated

I forgot to mention we briefly ran this situation by our parish priest when we found out we were pregnant. He said treat her as Christ would, pray for her, include her, and maybe the baby would bring us together.

No concrete advice or ideas. I feel as though it’s easier to explain in writing so a lot more is said and not forgotten.

If anyone else has wise advice, we would greatly appreciate it.

Before I left his parents’ hometown, I was a bit shaken up, given how his mom treated us in person, and the kind family friend we were staying with asked how the meeting went. I told her, and she said 'are you embarrassed with how mother inlaw is treating you? Don’t you feel humiliated?

I said no, because of how she is handling the situation is bizarre and she’s unkind. The family friend was trying to tell me to be careful of being prideful. I wasn’t sure if she meant don’t dwell too much on my motherinlaw because not everyone will like you in life and there isn’t much we can do about it?

Anyway maybe my husband can send her one last email, but I will certainly leave it in his hands.

We’ve tried the we are a family now comment before, but then she says you are also individuals, can I just email or Skype my son without so and so reading/listening/being there for everything. Sometimes in the past they have tried to start with light hearted conversations turning into unhealthy ones within minutes. 😦
 
You know, this really is between them. It is your husband’s mom, and it is his job to fix it or not. If he decides to let things go and not have contact, that is his choice. But if he has contact and she continues to trash talk you, it is not okay for him to continue.

But it sounds very much like your husband is loyal to you, as he should be.
 
Thank you for your response.

I’m just wondering what he should say and how. He is reading this thread, too. Given his mothers last email…
 
We had a similar situation where DH’s youngest brother told other he hated me, and his influence rubbed off on my MIL and FIL. They are now deceased, but the BIL still tries to pour his vile on us.

We talked with priests and counselors. DH blocked our phone and his e-mail address. We did not respond to his crazy accusation. My husband told him if he wants to humble himself and apologize to me for trying to wreck out marriage, then we can talk about a relationship. Until then, it’s snail mail only.

I think responding to her is a waste of precious family time and that she wants your marriage to end. That is a serious sin. Pray for her but I would say she acting the polar opposite of Christ-like.

God bless. I will pray for your marriage.
 
Irishmom2 said:
You know, this really is between them. It is your husband’s mom, and it is his job to fix it or not. If he decides to let things go and not have contact, that is his choice. But if he has contact and she continues to trash talk you, it is not okay for him to continue.

But it sounds very much like your husband is loyal to you, as he should be.
Click to expand...
I also think this is spot-on advice.
 
I’m not trying to excuse her. You have already gone out of your way to heal this relationship.
What came to my mind was…has she ever been diagnosed with any mental or physical illness that could cause such behavior? Because, although this type of feeling for an in-law is sadly not uncommon, it is strange that she would not want to come to your wedding, and her attitude towards her grandchild is downright strange! How old is she? Do any of her other grown children have spouses/families? How does she act towards them?

Until you get some answers, I would definitely keep a safe distance from her…she could even be capable of physically hurting you or your child! Your husband seems to have the right idea, speaking to her politely, but not letting her run his life.This woman is unstable, if nothing else. Next time your husband speaks to his siblings, he should, diplomatically, ask about her health. But, sadly, you have done all you can. Until you know more about her health, keep your distance from her when visiting family friends. And don’t blame yourself.
 
No, she has never been diagnosed with any mental or physical illness that we know of. Even though we don’t speak to his siblings often, they would have told us.

Yes she is very prideful and proud it seems. Because I stayed with her for 6 weeks, her in-laws always stayed with my husbands’ parents when they were alive for sometimes months at a time visiting, and apparently my in-laws gave up their bed for them etc.

It was a lot different then though culturally. Women doing most of the cleaning, cooking, child rearing, When the men went to work and often didn’t socialize with children much. This is how it was for both sets of my grandparents, and my in-laws.

She was absolutely astonished we said she could stay, and then not stay, and felt unwelcome. She couldn’t believe my husband sent her hotel links when she was flying so far to come.

Fair enough had she been kind and respectful, but it was quite the opposite unfortunately.

It was as if she had to talk poorly about me to my then bf/fiancé at the time in person, Skype, email and wanted my husband to tolerate it, and be two faced to me, acting like almost nothing was wrong.

After a year and a half to two years I told my bf/fiancé at the time her speaking ill of me was unacceptable, as I had apologized for misunderstandings I didn’t even understand myself, and had only seen her when she came to visit us 6 months after we started dating, and my visit to them a year and a half of dating.

She tried to send Christmas presents to me and my parents with my fiancé at the time as he as visiting his hometown, but he was so upset with her, he didn’t take them or have enough room for them in his luggage. So he ate the chocolates meant for my mom, left the book for my dad, and gave back the wallet she got for me. I know it wasn’t the best choice he could have made, but he went to visit his mom and brother for 3 weeks after not seeing them for a year.

All they wanted to do was pretend like nothing was wrong, ignore the situation at hand, and enjoy themselves. But my husband wanted to sort things out, not ignore them as he was marrying me in 6 months and they were supposed to be flying over to stay with my family and be best man.

But after years of abuse, boundaries not respected, no effort made to reconcile except bring up situatuons from the past which led to more fights between my motherinlaw had husband, no communication from his brother, and his mom being mean, he realized and of course I did as well they shouldn’t stay with my parents. And he didn’t want his brother to be best man as they had no relationship left. And if his mom couldn’t stay with my family he figured via brother wouldn’t come anyway.

I think his mom is interested in our son. She just doesn’t want to have to deal with me. When we were visiting last month, she kept asking to pick up my husband and son, and wanted to take them out, back to her house, etc. never invited me over.

When we arrived my husband was in contact with his mom to pick up childhood toys and clothes. He asked if he could come over to pick things up and look through his old room whom he shared with his brother. His mother and brother said he wasn’t allowed to go in his old room as he’d make a mess (my husband is a neat freak and they know that) and wouldn’t even let him go in with his brothers supervision. Ridiculous I know.

So they kept piling my husbands things on the front porch and my husband had to keep asking for the same things which they didn’t put out the first, second, third time and didn’t even get everything he wanted. 😦

When he’d go over to pick up his stuff his mom would take stabs and make belittling comments to him. And he asked when we first arrived if she’d like to meet our son and see me. But she said you and son are welcome and said nothing about me.

I just think she is very resentful, upset my husband didn’t listen to her about me and is still with me, prideful, stubborn etc 😦
 
She is not very old.

My sister in law married an atheist and my motherinlaw has never been too happy about that but tolerates him enough to visit them once a year, and he is working most of the time so it’s mostly just my sister inlaw and children with her. But apparently my motherinlaw bought my sister inlaw a nice present for her (civil) wedding anniversary which is interesting.

My motherinlaw also says to my husband ‘your life was so perfect until you met (me). I feel so so bad you have to live with her and deal with her the rest of your life. I will always remember the (son) we used to know before you moved away and married her’.

So sad 😦
 
Yes, it is very sad. I still don’t advise letting your son see her without you being there. For one thing, it hasn’t been proved that she is NOT mentally ill. Also, it isn’t good for him to have to hear his mother disrespected. Even at a very young age kids can pick up on such things.
There are some things that might be improved by talking things out. But, at this point, when her only response has, so far been hurt, resentment, and never giving you the benefit of the doubt, any change has to come from HER. So, you’ll know if she has a change of heart if she makes the first move. Until and unless that happens, accept the idea that she will only have a marginal role in the life of your family. You have given her plenty of chances. Concentrate on your husband, yourself, and your son, and keep on building a good life for yourselves.
 
Thank you for your response.

I completely agree. I guess that’s why my husband refuses to discuss anything with her anymore. Because he has already ‘explained’ everything many times, both of us have apologized, and he is attached while chatting anyway.

We’re open to talking about everything with a 3rd party like counselor who could mediate an and keep things on track and respectful, but she thinks that’s a ‘stupid idea’
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top