Yet another guy issue.. :P

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lenni

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ok…

well… im sorry if this comes out as a part vent…
but recently, I did community work with a group of guys and girls.
I guess, over that whole month i got to know quite a few of them well… but i met a very sweet and nice guy who i ended up hanging out with alot on the trip. and i kinda ended up falling for him. ><

but thing is he is a great deal older than me. Me, turning 20 soon and him being 31 now! so yeah…
and through out the course of the trip he and a few of the older members of the group became accustomed to calling me ‘child’. and now, i cant stand that… coz it keeps indicating that he sees me as nothing but a friend or a little sister.
hmm… but yeah…

other thing is… i remember talking to him during the trip and he said that he never minded age gaps that are less than ten. but i also remember him telling me, that when you fall in love - you sometimes let go of your limits. so really, anything is possible. but then again, i shouldn’t speculate his moves…

and… i guess. also on the trip, when i got to know the older guys pretty well. I could pick up their insecurities really easily. and alot of the older guys had an insecurity about girls. They would talk about girls who they found attractive in front of me for about 5 mins(nothing bad, just stuff like, don’t you think that girl was really attractive?!). and…
yeah… i guess… another thing me and him talked about was having a criteria…
and wierdly enough… i fit most of his criteria… 😛 but yeah… the young issue does really come up in my head!..

i mean… he has never showed me signs… that he is attracted to me. but yeah, i dunno…i really feel like i want to make it happen. but yeah… the age thing and my maturity… i guess are 2 factors, that i think play a big role in preventing anything. i dunno…and iv only really known him for about 3-4 months now…

and… i also recall him telling me that he had been in a 6-7yr relationship with a girl during his high skool and uni years. and he had a not so good break up. then he had a rebound after that. then maybe 1 other gf after the rebound. then… i think he has been single for about a year. well anyways…

just wanted to ask…
Is it pointless for me to go for someone that much older than me?
Am i wasting my time… waiting…?
should i just only think about friendship… and nothing more?!

thanks,
Lenni
 
I don’t think your age difference is such a big deal. A man being 10 years older than the woman is not that uncommon, and it used to be far more common in the past.

Do you flirt with this man? You need to show him signs that you like him so he can consider making a move (that is, if you’re unwilling to make the move yourself).
 
Before you try to have any relationship with him or get too invested in him make sure he feels something for you and wants to be with you. Otherwise you are running around in circles. At 20, you have another year or so of college and he is in a different time in his life. Make sure your life plans match up and are compatible first. The age difference isnt that huge for a relationship but he might want someone closer to his age and more mature (not that you are immature but that a 25-30 year old probably has more life experience). Ive seen women fall for men that do not reciprocate their love many times and it becomes very frustrating and upsetting to them. I would come down a notch and restrain your feelings until you know this man can reciprocate them and possibly have a relationship. Falling before a relationship begins is a sign of an unequal relationship with different expectations. From the start, you will be thinking long term and commitment while he might be dating to see how things go. I can only say talk to him about how you feel now so you dont dwell on it too much if there is nothing there.
 
I was 28 when I married by wife, 22 at that time. I met her just before my 27th birthday. She had just turned 21. Her father was 11 years older than her mother. Your age is not really a bad thing. Don’t let comments like “robbing the cradle” bother you. I used to joke saying I robbed the cradle too. It’s almost a brag, but in my case I just felt lucky. She flirted with me really a lot, and it amazed me. I never thought I’d marry and would end up a priest. But you never know. But at this age, if you like him, he might prefer to see clearly that you like him. Most guys don’t like the cat and mouse games.
 
The_Geographer said:
Most guys don’t like the cat and mouse games.
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Oh is that true. Especially when it turns out they’re as hapless as the mouse instead of being the cat. 😛

Lenni, the analysing suggests things are going to your head quite strongly. You will need to find activities and plan and carry out your days so that you can still go on with your life despite this and have things going. Plus, you will need perspective.

As for the 20 vs 31 age gap, well, we do have one poster who could tell you something about that. 😃

Anyway, from a male perspective, in short, calling someone a “child” really doesn’t mean that’s the end of possibility of a relationship (neither does it for a woman for that matter). Every relationship is different and obviously that one would be different from what you see around, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t come to being and couldn’t be happy.

Now from what you tell us I can’t tell if he might be interested because there’s simply no such data (I think you weren’t looking for an answer to this aspect of the problem anyway).
 
Do you think you would blend in with each other’s friends? That’s a pretty significant age gap at those years…
 
lenni said:
just wanted to ask…
Is it pointless for me to go for someone that much older than me?
Am i wasting my time… waiting…?
should i just only think about friendship… and nothing more?!

thanks,
Lenni
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To be perfectly honest, I’m a 29-year-old guy, and I would not be interested in someone who’s 19. The cradle-robber moniker would be too much for me. Besides, that’s pretty much a generational gap. What would you have in common? Nothing’s impossible, but winning the lottery isn’t an everyday occurrence, either. Know what I mean?
 
When I was 25, I entered into a relationship with a 19-year-old. She was all hot to get married, but I knew that if she changed anything near as much between 19 and 25 and I did, by the time she was 25, she would be pretty tired of me.

Sure enough…
 
thanks all for posting…
i guess… i actually have dropped hints here and there. like talking and texting frequently. but i think he sorta caught on… coz he doesnt reply me more than once or twice in a day if i text him. hmmm…because he use to(especially when we were doing community work)!..
but then again… i could be overthinking! ><

but like the more recent posters. i kinda see your perspectives in terms of the generational gap and the change between 19-25! and its super true…!!
i guess…the best thing is to go with the flow. i do hope for something to happen. but maybe when he has overcome his own insecurity and when i have matured a bit more. so i guess… maybe an option in the future!!

However, with the whole friend thing. Iv hung out with him and a few of his friends. I do get along with them. but i guess… maybe, i dont connect the way, i connect with my own friends. i guess its coz his generation loves to talk about politics alot. and personally, i dont have that kind of passion.

just my thoughts at the moment!
 
lenni said:
thanks all for posting…
i guess… i actually have dropped hints here and there. like talking and texting frequently. but i think he sorta caught on… coz he doesnt reply me more than once or twice in a day if i text him. hmmm…because he use to(especially when we were doing community work)!..
but then again… i could be overthinking! ><

but like the more recent posters. i kinda see your perspectives in terms of the generational gap and the change between 19-25! and its super true…!!
i guess…the best thing is to go with the flow. i do hope for something to happen. but maybe when he has overcome his own insecurity and when i have matured a bit more. so i guess… maybe an option in the future!!

However, with the whole friend thing. Iv hung out with him and a few of his friends. I do get along with them. but i guess… maybe, i dont connect the way, i connect with my own friends. i guess its coz his generation loves to talk about politics alot. and personally, i dont have that kind of passion.

just my thoughts at the moment!
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You aren’t over thinking it. You got your answer. He 's not interested. Stop text-stalking him. It isn’t appropriate behavior. And to tell you the truth really shows your age difference and maturity level. That constant all day texting is a really young behavior.
 
my wife and i are 11 years apart…love is not bound by age…i met her when she was 22. my advice is to not force anything…right guy/wrong time =wrong guy

pray about it…
 
Regardless of generational issues, 19 is just young as it is. If you’re dating a 30 year old, they’re probably going to be considering marriage at that point which is something that is a bit above the 19 year old maturity level. Sorry, just trying to be honest with you. 😉
 
Onegin said:
Regardless of generational issues, 19 is just young as it is. If you’re dating a 30 year old, they’re probably going to be considering marriage at that point which is something that is a bit above the 19 year old maturity level. Sorry, just trying to be honest with you. 😉
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I agree with this. I see on this message board a lot of very young people in high school and early college already talking about marriage with a man/woman and this marriage is at least 3-5 years or more away. It is definitely not the norm and can be a bad thing. I know of a girl around the OPs age that fell so in love with the wrong man that she took several full time jobs in addition to her full time class load in order to keep both of them out of debt for marriage. Marriage didnt work out and she spent a lot of time working that she could have devoted to other things. In my experience, this forum is the exception and not the rule. Very few people I know in high school or college are in a rush to get married. This includes both men and women.

As far as age differences are concerned. An older woman can be a bad thing. My aunt is married to a man around 10-12 years younger than her. They are in different places in their lives. He has a much higher sex drive than she does and she cannot keep up with him. In response, he cheats on her. They have trouble with the generational differences. One is a late boomer and the other is a gen xer. You already mentioned his friends are not your cup of tea. His friends help to shape part of who he is. Talking politics is NOT a generational thing. Plenty of people your age talk politics. It is the nature of specific clicks. He is in one that likes to talk politics. This means politics means a lot to him and in a relationship will be something he will want to talk about frequently. On a service trip with people he may not know very well, he may act differently than he normally does. This is why I do not like looking for love on service and religious group trips because people act differently than in real life. The reason he showed such interest on a service trip is because you may have been easier to talk to or it was just his way of being nice and trying to be your friend. His frequent texts on a service work could be work related or simply friend related. Now that you are no longer on the service trip he is back to real life and does not have the same expectations for the relationship as you do.
 
I will give some blatant advice. Your grammar, such as spelling ‘i’ instead of “I” and ‘dunno’ instead of ‘don’t know’ makes your post come off as a young teenager. In order for a relationship to work where there is a significant age difference, the maturity level needs to be the same. And it would appear to me that if you are at the same maturity level, it is because this 30 year old man is immature. By the time a man is in his 30’s, he has been in the work force long enough to know to use better grammar, even if he doesn’t have an office job.

If a man is 30 and immature, I would run for my life

I realize I am being blunt, but it was my first impression reading your post

CM
 
mjs1987 said:
I agree with this. I see on this message board a lot of very young people in high school and early college already talking about marriage with a man/woman and this marriage is at least 3-5 years or more away. It is definitely not the norm and can be a bad thing. I know of a girl around the OPs age that fell so in love with the wrong man that she took several full time jobs in addition to her full time class load in order to keep both of them out of debt for marriage. Marriage didnt work out and she spent a lot of time working that she could have devoted to other things. In my experience, this forum is the exception and not the rule. Very few people I know in high school or college are in a rush to get married. This includes both men and women.
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Thanks. Seriously, to the OP, I’m not trying to be mean. I “fell in love” at 19 too and thought that I was mature enough to get married by 21. I wasn’t and (thankfully) didn’t, but emotions can be tough, especially when you are young. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking you need to rush into anything - I have so many friends who got married in college or right out of college who are in struggling marriages right now because they didn’t devote adequate time to discerning whether they should be in a relationship with that person.

Just hoping that others won’t repeat my mistakes and that of some of my peers.
 
cmscms said:
I will give some blatant advice. Your grammar, such as spelling ‘i’ instead of “I” and ‘dunno’ instead of ‘don’t know’ makes your post come off as a young teenager. In order for a relationship to work where there is a significant age difference, the maturity level needs to be the same. And it would appear to me that if you are at the same maturity level, it is because this 30 year old man is immature. By the time a man is in his 30’s, he has been in the work force long enough to know to use better grammar, even if he doesn’t have an office job.

If a man is 30 and immature, I would run for my life

I realize I am being blunt, but it was my first impression reading your post

CM
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🙂

Those were my thoughts exactly!
 
hmmm… this is all soo interesting!
well, actually, i wasnt actually thinking marriage right at this age, now! as in, i dont plan to marry within early twenties. Personally, iv always wanted to marry at around 27 or 28! but it really depends on the circumstances and on the guy. Then i would judge when would be the most appropriate time. but yeah… Iv pretty much thought about most of this before hand as well! so i do realise the generation gap and the large age difference. but yeah…I also do realise, that marrying at a young age can have many implications because, it means that my career wouldnt be able to properly kick start till marriage.

hmm… actually, there are a few things that i dont tend to agree with him on. Like, I dont agree with him on, the father being the sole decision maker. He also doesnt agree with the wife, being the bread winner (i guess, thats not a problem since my career wont make as much as his job - unless I make it pretty big - but at the same time, i really dont know!.. and i dont see this as a huge issue!) and I guess he likes the traditional role of the wife alot. I guess, it’s because, he was brought up like this. While, in my family, i had the opposite!

but then again… im not even going out with him at this moment! but yeah, IMO, i will most probably leave it and see what happens. 🙂
 
lenni said:
hmm… actually, there are a few things that i dont tend to agree with him on. Like, I dont agree with him on, the father being the sole decision maker. He also doesnt agree with the wife, being the bread winner (i guess, thats not a problem since my career wont make as much as his job - unless I make it pretty big - but at the same time, i really dont know!.. and i dont see this as a huge issue!) and I guess he likes the traditional role of the wife alot. I guess, it’s because, he was brought up like this. While, in my family, i had the opposite!
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That’s actually a pretty big issue and could make for a lot of problems later on, if the guy and the girl do not agree on this. Personally, I feel that guys like this could turn abusive, if he doesn’t get his way all the time. Obviously I don’t know this person in question, but when I see this kind of thinking/behavior, it’s a huge red flag. In my opinion, decisions should be made by 3 parties together - the husband, the wife, and God.
 
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