Yet another scrupulosity/ocd thread

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Alright, let’s get down to business. I am scrupulous, I have ocd, and it is paralyzing me. My ocd has affected nearly all aspects of my life, most recently my religious life (again). I believe that if I do something wrong, even if it’s not, I am a failure. I have to replay the event over, and over, and over, and over again until I’m satisfied (which never happens). The only way an obsession breaks is if a new one takes it’s place. Consequently this has put me under much duress lately. I am currently under the impression that the last confession I had was not valid because I did not explain a sin adequately and lied because I was trying to explain the sin to the confessor in a way he would understand, and may have misstated the truth (I was sort of unsure on it), which is difficult sometimes.

Now for the questions…

Does confessing something one way when the truth is uncertain constitute invalidation?

Even if one is in the state of mortal sin, does God punish us here on Earth with anxiety, pain, and suffering?

I already answered these things in my head, I know the answers, but there is a part of me in my head that makes me think anything I deduce is wrong because I am an imperfect being. The part of me that thinks that because of my past, sins forgiven or sins unforgiven, deserves uncertainty and despair. Probably what will happen is I will receive answers to this thread, which may make me relax for a brief second, but the eventuality of the pain seems inevitable. It is like my brain has a constant cramp, that cramp being the forced recollection of past uncertainties.

I don’t really know who to trust here on the forums. There are people who sound like they know what they are talking about, but have false answers. I find the majority of threads I come across contain replies from scrupulous people giving advice (which I find unhealthy to everyone involved). I hate to cast blame for what happened to me (nobodies fault), but it was CAF that provided the ignition source of my religious doubt (it was only chance that CAF was the first online source that I found). I wish I could have just avoided this mess all together and trusted in my copy of the Catechism and the knowledge given to me from my elementary Catholic school and CCD.

Going to CAF was just a scapegoat to my other obsession (which was sinful). I am joyed that CAF helped put an end to it; however, it ended up becoming a double-edged blade. I want to end this myself, but I can’t seem to. I let my parents know what is happening to me because they noticed how much stress I was under. They tell me to not worry about going to confession so often, but of course I can’t trust them because they are “not perfect” in knowledge. I have tried to go and have a private confession with my priest but he is too busy to ever answer my calls. This means I am forced to wait week after week for the next confession, worrying about my sins, and wondering if I really need to go. When I do go to confession, I have mentioned that I think I am scrupulous, but my plea goes unanswered.

Essentially the stress of the whole situation never ends because I can’t reason with myself anymore. The counter-argument is always, “Well what if you are wrong?” and the punishment of Hell. I know normally one who is scrupulous should not worry about the “what ifs”, but when I think I am unsure, I try to say that I am unsure and it is ok, but the other side thinks I am just rationalizing a mortal sin.

I honestly don’t know what I’m asking here. Kind of just vomiting out all of my pain in a desperate attempt to get it out of my mind. I thank you for the patience necessary to read through this entire post.
 
The best thing for you is to find a confessor…a regular confessor. One that you will be able to see. Perhaps there is a monastery near you …or a religious order…or even a parish in another near by area.

This is very important. You need a good Catholic Priest…preferably someone who has some experience with scrupulosity.

The things you mention…could be said to be common for those with scrupulosity or a difficulty with scruples…and of course your situation is intensified by your OCD.

So a good Priest and someone who can help you with your OCD …a good doctor and a good Catholic Theropist …

Those with scrupulosity often worry that they lied in confession ( when they were trying real hard just to explain what happened…) or that their confession was invalid…

When such are not the case in reality…

and often those with scruples give way too many details…things that are not needed for confession…(just number and kind of mortal sins and things that would really change the nature of the sin…like you killed someone…and that person was your brother or a Priest)

But remember a lie in confession that would invalidate it would be such as…lets see…you murdered 5 people but did not want to say 5 so you lied and intentionally said 1 person…

(one would know if they did something like that --don’t you think?)

Those with scruples…what if so many things…as do those with OCD…they need to learn in a sense to ignore such…what if’s that are not well founded…
a few general words about scruples…

Scruples are to be dismissed.

Treated like a barking dog or a hissing goose. One does not stop to argue with a barking dog or a hissing goose does one?? No they keep walking… (this advice was from 15th century Carthusian)

A confessor or director can really be of help…for it sounds like your rudder is broke and you are having difficulty steering the boat…you need his voice to guide you.

Have faith…pray for great faith and hope. In fact Jesus Christ is the hope!

Do not give up but seek out a good Priest…
 
The short answer to your question is that unless you really and truly meant to lie and deceive the priest, your confession was valid. Not, “Did I explain well enough?” Did you really mean to lie? Of course you didn’t.

Now, the really, really important thing is that you INSIST that your parents get you some help for the OCD. Start with your family doctor. Don’t stop asking until they take you.

Your suffering is so acute that you should not ask any more questions online about your scrupulosity. You have correctly predicted that it will not give you relief anyway. Spend your time and energy bugging your parents to get you some help.

Prayers for you.

Betsy
 
The only thing that will help you is to find a very good confessor (who is experienced with the scrupulous). He will tell you to put all your doubts and fears into his hands and to give him all the responsibility. You will have to obey him and do/believe whatever he tells you. This is the only thing that will cure you of your scruples. Trust me. This works. It worked for me! I rarely doubt or question myself now and when I do my confessor answers with a short and concise answer and I believe and obey.
 
wow, i sympathize with you on this, my friend. a few years ago i was in the same position as you’re in now, and i know its terrible, but please don’t give up hope and don’t hate yourself. i know what your going through is horrific, but i promise you that ocd can be beaten!

the thing that brought me out of it was a combination of medicine and therapy. i dont know if you’ve heard, but for extreme cases of ocd medication can be used, and it does absolute wonders when coupled with therapy. one great thing about it is that it keeps your obsessions from getting worse once you begin to take it.

once you start the medical treatment get to a priest AND Christian (though preferably Catholic) psychologist. actually, if at all possible, dont just go to a regular psychologist- check around for a specialist in EMDR!!! its an odd kind of therapy but it works amazing if you find someone good. and on the matter of specialists, look around for any therapists that specialize with ocd. i would recommend weekly sessions with the therapist/psychologist

the most important thing, though, when selecting a priest and psychologist is this: MAKE SURE THEY’RE KIND AND PATIENT (in addition to being knowledgable)!!! dont just accept the first psychologist or priest you see, meet with a few and see which ones you like best.

now, in response to your questions:
  1. i don’t really understand what your asking here, but it doesn’t sound like something serious, or even something to worry about for that matter…
  2. hmm…this is only my guess but i’d say no. some of the people who do the worst things are perfectly content with their lifestyle, and if they do feel anxiety it comes more or less from the fact that they know in their hearts that they’re being a bad person, not because God’s punishing them.
in regards to your comments about CAF: i feel the same way sometimes, and i can only imagine what you must feel since your extremely scrupulous. the fact is that many people here are very, VERY conservative in their beliefs, and many times what they talk about so passionately boils down to theological opinion.

for example: i have a friend who is vehemently against the modern celebration of the mass. he’s so against that he now boycotts it and has resolved to only go to the latin mass. now to a person who didn’t know better, his strong opposition may be enough to make them think that there is something wrong with the modern mass, though in the end it’s just his opinion.

it’s kind of similar when people answer moral questions on here. unless they have some quote from the catechism or a DIRECT quote on the issue from a MODERN and RELIABLE Catholic source, its simply them taking a guess about it as a third party.

questions on morality are one of the things that a good priest or moral guide would be able to help you with tremendously, particularly when the issue falls into the gray area between sin and virtue. a good example of a question falling into the ‘gray area’ (questions in the gray area, by the way, are where scrupulous answers are abundant at CAF) would be the thread that talked about women wearing bikinis when they swam. there’s no direct Catholic ruling on the issue, so really all responses by CAF members are just there own opinions and educated guesses on the topic.

one more thing…

i was at the bookstore earlier this evening, and i was reading a little bit of Chesterton’s Orthodoxy. in the first few pages of the opening chapter, he talked about insane people and their style of thought. he said something along these lines: insane people are actually the most reason dependent people, and they always have ‘logical’ explanations for why they do what they do (why they think they’re a chicken, the king of england, God, etc.) the arguments they put forward are circular, and while they make logical sense, they ‘leave something out.’
i think this applies to ocd. does it make ‘logical’ sense? to some extent, yes, but your leaving something out. ocd creates a circular argument in the head; you can answer everything with your style of thinking, but that doesn’t mean its the truth.

Chesterton says you can’t logic with a madman, he has to come out of his state of mind by means of faith.

and that’s the first thing i’d recomend for you to do: have faith and tell the little knats floating around your head to go away, that they’re lies and they’re not true, and put faith in the most basic things you know to be absolutely correct:
-the fact that God is loving, gentle, and caring- not mean and condemning
-that your obsessions are just the response to a lack of serotonin in your brain
-that your scrupulocity is just that, SCRUPULOCITY!!! your thinking has been erred by your fear

it comes down to faith; the only way to beat a disease of thought is to have faith in the good that you’ve been told. so much faith, that it outshines the ‘logic’ your mind dreams up when it tries to find a response to a serotonin deficiency.
 
The actual best thing to do is to find a doctor. There are medications that should be able to help you as well as other techniques that a psychiatrist will know. Rather than try to appease your OCD, you should work on escaping the confines of the web. It can be done; you can change your life. Seek medical help.
 
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