You Here Alone?

[JLCecilia]

Kind of a weird question and little silly, but here goes . . .

One of my fave little shops in town had their Christmas open house last week. DH works late, so my baby (16mo son) was my ‘date.’ Not a big deal to me - I work away from home, so I love every spare minute I have with him - plus he has fun in crowds and checking out lots of neat stuff.

Now, this is not really an event for kids, but they’re not banned or anything. And I know very well that most of the girls I see there whom I’m acquainted with normally buddy up w/ someone for the evening. I don’t really have any close girlfriends, so ‘date’ or not, I was just gonna go enjoy myself. I knew I’d see people there I knew and we’d stop and chat and it’d be great.

So, my DH’s SIL was there (w/ her girlfriends of course) and she actually asked if I was by myself. I dunno, maybe she couldn’t think of anything else to open up w/ - thought this was kind of a weird question considering I had my son strapped to me in his homemade sling. I thought to myself ‘No, can’t you see my swee’pea’s w/ me?’ But I just said, ‘yeah.’

I’ve always been kind of a loner, it’s only been in the last few years I’ve come to accept it somewhat.

Anybody else get this?

 

[Convert_in_99]

**I’m not in your same situation per say, but have always been a loner. I tend to have just a couple of good friends, rather than a whole group of them. Ever since I met my husband, gotten married, and moved out of town, I don’t really have any close friends. I have my husband and he is what I consider my best friend. I guess I just feel fulfilled enough by him that I don’t really think about it much.

Your husband and child are DEFINITELY people to hang out with. And glad you feel content with them. So what if others think otherwise? You have forever friends in your husband and children. What a blessing!
**

 

[KCT]

Loners unite

Last year I had the opportunity to spend 5 days in Rome ALONE! I loved it. A couple of my friends were sure I would be lonely. Not at all.

I never minded Christmas shopping alone either. --KCT

 

[homewardbound]

I’ve always been a loner. I like being alone. Everyone thinks I’m weird and should wanna hang out/go out more but its just not my thing. I’d rather stay home with a good book or something then go out. Its just more fun for me. Nothing wrong with it, I don’t think.

 

[Island_Oak]

ummm…HELLO…you were NOT alone, you were with your child, whom I’m guessing is not invisible.

I am no loner and would wither up and die w/o time out with my girlfriends. But this past Saturday night while my dh was on a hunting trip and my dd’s were both occupied with friends, I invited my 9 y.o. ds out on a dinner date. We’ve done it several times before when his dad has been out of town for work or a guys’ weekend and his social butterfly sisters are busy. I tell you there is almost no better way for me to pass an evening–especially since I know all too well these days are numbered. He chats almost non-stop and we laugh and talk about his friends, his teams, or places we want to travel. I know in a few short years a date with mom will probably be more of a chore than a fun adventure.

As for the OP, don’t isolate yourself from your peers, they can be such a blessing and source of support that even family or your spouse can’t always be for you. But relish those one-on-one times with your kiddos~they’re such special and fun times.

 

[Lil_M]

I agree with the PP obviously you weren’t alone…but I see what you mean. I like to keep to myself too, I have FH and a few good friends and a few I hope will become good friends, and of course my brothers and sisters. But I hate hanging out in a big group of mere acquaintances just to be social, I end up irritated with them It’s easier when you only have to accommodate your own whims

 

[LSK]

sometimes yes, sometimes no…but I never worry too much when someone says, “Are you here by yourself?” because I have tried to open conversations with a witty saying and often fell flat on my face…just be glad she didn’t say, “So, what’s your sign?”

 

[Giannawannabe]

Kind of a weird question and little silly, but here goes . . .

One of my fave little shops in town had their Christmas open house last week. DH works late, so my baby (16mo son) was my ‘date.’ Not a big deal to me - I work away from home, so I love every spare minute I have with him - plus he has fun in crowds and checking out lots of neat stuff.

Now, this is not really an event for kids, but they’re not banned or anything. And I know very well that most of the s I see there whom I’m acquainted with normally buddy up w/ someone for the evening. I don’t really have any close friends, so ‘date’ or not, I was just gonna go enjoy myself. I knew I’d see people there I knew and we’d stop and chat and it’d be great.

So, my DH’s SIL was there (w/ her friends of course) and she actually asked if I was by myself. I dunno, maybe she couldn’t think of anything else to open up w/ - thought this was kind of a weird question considering I had my son strapped to me in his homemade sling. I thought to myself ‘No, can’t you see my swee’pea’s w/ me?’ But I just said, ‘yeah.’

I’ve always been kind of a loner, it’s only been in the last few years I’ve come to accept it somewhat.

Anybody else get this?

Your SIL was probably just making small talk. Maybe you could’ve just laughed it off, and said, “the little guy attached to me might take issue with that”, or something like that. You might want to do a little inventory and figure out why you feel so defensive about comments like the one above. Perhaps you’re not as comfortable with loner status as you think? I’m more of a homebody myself, so I understand where you’re coming from. However, sometimes I “force” myself to do social things. It is important so you don’t feel isolated or lonely.

 

[bluerose]

My first choice would always be to hang out with my husband. But we work in towns that are 50 miles apart. He usually goes to lunch with the guys from his shop. My lunch is only 30 minutes long (and at eight in the morning since I go in at 3) and I usually either “brown bag” it or I pick up something from the deli (I work at Wal*Mart). On rare occasions, my MIL or SIL will call me and tell me that one of the kids has a dental or dr. appointment or they want to take them out for the day on a field trip (we homeschool, which is why my work schedule lets me clock out at 11 in the morning) and they’ll take my son with them. When something like that comes up, I take advantage of it. I’ll usually go out to lunch someplace in town. By myself. I like this one little Italian place and sometimes I’ll just order the appetizer platter (fried zucchini, fried mushrooms, ravioli and mozzarella cheese sticks) instead of a “real” meal.

It always amuses me, though, no matter where I go, how the hostess reacts. She’ll walk up to me, smiling, LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER, then say, “Just one?” I’m five-foot nothing. Where does she think I’m hiding the rest of my party? Then when I say, yes, she always seems surprised.

I like my own company. Sometimes I just PREFER to go shopping or out to lunch alone (unless my husband is available to go with me… I’d much rather spend time with him, since we have so little of it together.) Once my in-laws took the kids out of town for an all-day grandparent/grandkid outing. They left at eight in the morning and didn’t get back until six in the evening. It was on a summer weekday (Tuesday, I think) and my husband was at work also. So I left work early (about nine), took myself out to breakfast (a breakfast burrito from Sonic with a cup of coffee that I enjoyed at a local park… just sitting on a boulder by the river, not many people around at that hour). Then I hung out in a bookstore for about an hour, hour and a half (not many of my friends would want to do that!), then I took a drive to an art gallery in a nearby village (hubby will accompany me to art galleries, but I have to make it short since it’s not his favorite thing to do) and browsed for an hour. Had lunch BY MYSELF at a little cafe (I was the only “solo” diner), did some window shopping, then headed home. My own schedule, my own pace. Since I have a tendency to defer to other people, I rarely get to choose the lunch place when I go out with friends. Or else we’re on THEIR schedule and have to rush through lunch in 40 minutes. Or five minutes in an antique shop is too long for them. So if I get a “solo” day like that once every few months, I feel ready to appreciate company.

I don’t suppose I’m a loner (not by choice, anyway–when you have kids and family responsibilities, it’s hard to be a loner!) but I’ve never had a problem with being alone. It always seems like it bothers OTHER people… not just hostesses, but even my family looks horrified if I ever mention that I stopped for lunch (“You were ALONE? By yourself? Oh, why didn’t you ask someone to join you?”)

 

[CarrieH]

I’m a loner, too, and it doesn’t bother me in the least. I came from a very small family in a rural area, often having no one to play with, so I grew up this way and it seems normal to me. I am perfectly content to go places by myself; in fact, I think I could be happy living as a hermit. I am divorced, I think partly because I never really learned to create a close bond with another person. I do have one close friend, but she lives an hour away and she is a bit of a loner as well. We talk on the phone every couple of weeks and get together for lunch or dinner maybe once a month. I have a couple of other close friends from college, but they live out of state now – thanks be for email! I am the kind who has to force myself to go out and do things so as not to isolate myself too much, and I am blessed to have my musical abilities to help with this. I play in a couple of community bands and in my parish church’s group, and this gets me out of the house, but in a controlled environment where I don’t have to chit-chat too much. A group of us go out after rehearsals, and that is where I get most of my socializing. I consider a few of my band-buddies to be my “friends,” close enough to send a Christmas card but not close enough to have them watch my cats when I am away or to call them if I were sick and needed something.

The only downside I see is that since I have no children, I will have no one to help me in my old age as I have helped my parents, driving them to the doctor’s and that sort of thing. But having children is no guarantee of that, anyway. I plan to go into a nice senior living community in a few years, and I will trust in God and my Guardian Angel to keep me safe and to provide for my needs.

 

[JLCecilia]

Yeah, I’d have to say that when I do actually have free time to get out and do stuff that I wanna do (shopping), it’s nice to go it alone. Well, I’m never really alone, little one tags along w/ me which is fine. But my experience has been that these outings are precious to me and I am very goal-oriented so maybe I’m a little selfish in that I like to be free to come and go as I please without having to wait on someone else’s schedule or getting stuck trying to find my missing party at the mall!

Also, my one very close girlfriend tends to run late or forget our plans anyway, so I limit our get-togethers to dinner in town or dropping by to visit when she has time.

Yeah, I have a hard time in social gatherings b/c I’m a deep thinker and normally in bigger crowds, the conversation tends to be a little shallow (kinda has to be which I completely understand) and every fiber of my being just wants to have a good deep intimate conversation. I love the mommy’s group at my parish b/c it helps me lighten up, but I know at the same time we are all like-minded, so we can talk about our concerns about the media, or share gorey childbirth stories or talk about NFP.

Yeah, I’ve never been very good at making and keeping lasting bonds either. That’s okay, my mom and I are kindred souls and we get each other to a degree that’s almost scary and we both can be our moody selves with one another without worrying about offending ea other or burning bridges. We understand our limitations and even tho we butt heads a lot, we’re still close. Nobody gets me like good ol’ mom.

 

[SMHW]

I think your SIL was just being polite. Since many women are NOT loners they find it rather incredulous that someone might be satisfied, let alone feel ‘safe’, to be without adult companionship in public.

I don’t know your SIL but she may have been offering you the chance for what she considered a few moments of sanity or safety. If she doesn’t have children herself she may not understand that you actually can have a genuine two-way relationship with young children.

 

[JLCecilia]

Well, that’s the thing about my husband’s SIL, she and her husband do have one child about 7yo. It seems at every encounter, they talk about how they go out together as a couple w/out their little one and ‘spend money’ every weekend. But I think they’re still working on mending from their split a year or so ago.

But they keep saying to me and my husband that we need to go out and let them watch our little one. For one, neither my husband or myself are that crazy about his brother or leaving our little one in his care - his other brother and his wife who have no children are actually more appealing. But the other thing is, I actually WANT to be w/ my kid! And my husband and I are homebodies. There isn’t a lot we like to ‘get out’ and do just yet. Perhaps when the kiddies are older and we can go to a theme park or ML ball games or something of that nature.

Ah well, to each his own. It’s just funny to me how incomprehendable my bond w/ my son is to other people - that I would actually prefer to take him w/ me everywhere. I think in part, they want (as family) to spend time w/ my son - but my thinking is, you’re all older and you’ve had your time w/ your kids, now is my time and you’ll be hard pressed to convince me to surrender one precious moment of our time together. Perhaps if I were a stay-at-home mom my feelings on the matter would be different. For now, I see our connection as a blessing - I see so many parents who treat their children’s every breath or bat of an eye as an irritation. But then, I’ve only been at this mom thing for about 16 mo and I am pregnant again, so maybe I’m still living in a fairytale - enjoying it while I can!!!