You were a virgin, your spouse wasn't...

  • Thread starter Thread starter catholic-emily
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

catholic-emily

Guest
Dear all,

I would be very grateful for some advice from those older and/or wiser than myself on a wee problem I have…

I am 22 years old and never had sex, and neither do I have any intention to till I am married. I always prayed that my future spouse will be protected from any sexual temptations and that he will be inspired to think of me, and to save his virginity for me and for when we are married.

I have recently met a boy who I think is fantastic! We get on soo well! He’s funny, cute, sweet, kind, very religious…and I am totally crazy for him!

You probably know where this is going now…

He had sex for his last girlfriend (2 years ago) before his ‘conversion experience’. He regrets it very very much.

This may sound terrible but, I dont think I could go out with him for that reason. His past sex-life.
It would make me very very jealous, and i wouldnt be able to get the thought out of my head that another girl ‘had’ him before (if we were to get married) I did.

Is this too psycho? Am I over-reacting?

Were any of you virgins on your wedding night, while your spouse wasn’t?
Did it matter? How did you feel about it?

thanks, 🙂
 
Dear Emily,

Congratulations on your decision to wait until marriage for intimate relations. I wish I had. My husband wasn’t a virgin either on our wedding night, so I’m not exactly the person your looking for. However, we will be married for 20 years next month.

Assuming you two were to date, and if this guy doesn’t pressure you and he is making a firm decision to not have sex again until marriage and says he regrets his past experience then that’s wonderful!

You will be able to tell if he is truly converted by how he treats you if the two of you begin to date. If he is a great guy and you two enjoy one another’s company and believe there is a future, then I would forgive him, pray for him and try to forget it.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to find someone who hasn’t had sex before marriage and it will be harder as you get older. If this relationship comes to fruition, he must show you how much he loves you and put his past behind him. Likewise, you must not constantly bring it up and hold it over him. We all sin and by God’s loving grace we can all be forgiven. If you aren’t able to get past this, then I wouldn’t go any further with the relationship because it will only cause problems down the road. Remember what Jesus told the woman caught in adultry? Go and sin no more. If he has gone 2 years without sex and he is presumably in his early 20’s then I think he’s worth a second look. In that case, he shouldn’t be judged so harshly for his past mistakes if he is making every effort to remain chaste.
 
Denise, what a great way to celebrate your 100th post - with that much good counsel all in one spot. :clapping:

Emily, I’m just going to say, “Yep, what she said!” :yup:

Elizabeth
 
40.png
ElizabethJoy:
Denise, what a great way to celebrate your 100th post - with that much good counsel all in one spot. :clapping:

Emily, I’m just going to say, “Yep, what she said!” :yup:

Elizabeth
Click to expand...
Thanks, ElizabethJoy! 🙂
 
Well, I wasn’t either :whistle: but he really wasn’t…we found ourselves both in the situation your potential mate is in. Sorry, and determined to do better. That is what God asks of us; we are human, and we sin. We recognize it, ask for fogiveness and vow to not do it again…I think the person who said “no holding it over him” is sooooo dead on. If he’s said he won’t, and doesn’t pressure you, I think you’ve found yourself a diamond in the rough. I’m not saying “get over it” but I kind of am…in a nice way tho…jealousy/envy(“another woman had him first”) is also a sin, fogiveness is divine…
 
God tells us that when we make love we come together as one flesh. This guy has already become one flesh with his past girlfriend, so I don’t think it is wrong of you to not want to get into that. Congradulations on wanting to wait until marriage, I too am a virgin, don’t let people get you down by telling you there “aren’t that many virgins”. There may not be a HUGE number but for goodness sakes there are virgins out there!

To tell you quite honestly, if I found a man but then found out he had had sex before, I would move on. If I am saving for the one I love is it wrong of me to want him to do the same? I don’t think so.
 
40.png
catholic-emily:
Dear all,

I would be very grateful for some advice from those older and/or wiser than myself on a wee problem I have…

I am 22 years old and never had sex, and neither do I have any intention to till I am married. I always prayed that my future spouse will be protected from any sexual temptations and that he will be inspired to think of me, and to save his virginity for me and for when we are married.

I have recently met a boy who I think is fantastic! We get on soo well! He’s funny, cute, sweet, kind, very religious…and I am totally crazy for him!

You probably know where this is going now…

He had sex for his last girlfriend (2 years ago) before his ‘conversion experience’. He regrets it very very much.

This may sound terrible but, I dont think I could go out with him for that reason. His past sex-life.
It would make me very very jealous, and i wouldnt be able to get the thought out of my head that another girl ‘had’ him before (if we were to get married) I did.

Is this too psycho? Am I over-reacting?

Were any of you virgins on your wedding night, while your spouse wasn’t?
Did it matter? How did you feel about it?

thanks, 🙂
Click to expand...
…if you have doubt, listen to your heart and pray about it…
…if you are having issue’s with it now, you most certainly will have issues once the honeymoon is over so-to-speak…

there are those out there that have persevered just as you have… follow your heart…

Peace:thumbsup:
 
catholic-emily,

You may wish to read Jason and Crystallina Everet’s story. They are well known chastity speakers. Crystallina was not a virgin when they married; he was. She had quite a sexual past; while he saved himself for marriage. Theirs is a beautiful story of forgiveness and love.
I agree with the other posters in that this guy deserves a chance as he has been chaste since his last girlfriend and seems determined to continue to live chastely until married. Get to know him and determine if he respects your decision to remain a virgin until getting married.
I was in a somewhat similar situation. My husband loved me and respected me enough to remain chaste until we married (we dated for 4 years!!!). I must admit, his past bothered me at first. However, he proved his love and respect for me over time. He went to confession and found forgiveness. I also forgave him and we moved on. We have been married for 18 years now and have 3 beautiful kids.
Lastly, pray to God every day for guidance in finding the man He wishes you to marry (if marriage is your vocation). I prayed for the right spouse starting at age 12 and God blessed me with my husband.
 
The wonderful thing about confession is that when we ask God to forgive us, he does just that, and he forgets about the sins. God holds him in the same esteem that he holds you to. If he’s a nice fella, give him a chance. :o

My only advise is to not see a picture of his previous girlfriend or even meet her if that’s possible. I refuse to meet or see any pictures of my boyfriend’s last girlfriend. It’s nothing personal against her, it’s just that I don’t want to imagine them “together.”
 
I can relate to your story. My future hubby is a Catholic, and I, instead, was raised with no religion, and have a past filled with too many sexual experiences. He’s a virgin; I’m not. He, of course, struggled with this…feelings of jealousy & everything. But slowly, as he sees how I have changed, developed a faith, and become a totally different person in this faith, I am forgiven and I am pure once again, for him. Think of it this way: YOU ARE WAITING FOR EACH OTHER, now, even if he didn’t in the past. But NOW – he is waiting for you!

You can’t imagine the regret and hurt I felt when I realized I was SUPPOSED to wait for this man – but I didn’t! I didn’t KNOW better. NOW I do. You have to think of that. If he wasn’t raised in the Catholic faith, he didn’t KNOW better…but if he sees the Truth now, and lives by it, after having a past of such sin – what a blessing & what a miracle! Do you know how tough it is to accept the Catholic faith when you weren’t one? Anyone who does it, I give props to!

I felt such hurt…I thought, “If ONLY I would’ve known this man would come into my life, and that what I was doing in my past would hurt him, I would’ve died before I did those things.” But we can never know that, so I (and your boyfriend, eventually) go through a tough healing process (as you will, too) to forgive ourselves and let our significant other forgive us, and come out much stronger in the end.

Your boyfriend is not a virgin. But if he is the one, when you are married, on your wedding night, he will be giving something to you that he has never given to anyone else – his entire self, in love, in God, in marriage 🙂 That’s how I think of it. I may have given my virginity, but I did not give this – I still have something wonderful and beautiful to share with my man. :love:
 
I had sex with two men outside of marriage. DH told me that knowing about that and comforting me (I used to struggle with a lot of guilt) taught him forgiveness. I wish that I could have saved myself for DH. However, he is such a loving man! We have no secrets between us. I’ve confessed everything to both him and God (confession) and our relationship is stronger as a result. I’ve cried before, knowing what I did to the two other men’s souls. Now all I can do is pray for them. I used to be haunted by images from past relationships while being maritally embraced by DH. I learned to pray during sex and thank God for DH as he is so good for me and such a blessing. I prayed for my future husband before I ever met Luke (DH). I know now that those prayers were worth it! We both pray for each other every day. Now I pray for those who are being sexually tempted so they will be chaste and live holier lives than I did, and I do my best to help others live chastely.

My advice: If your friend has confessed his sins and he shows you what a gentleman is (more than just opening the door and paying for stuff…appreciating modesty, learning about your personality, protecting your soul and your purity, going to Mass and praying with you), he is worth it. Pray for this man. God bless you!

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne
 
40.png
coralewisjr:
My advice: If your friend has confessed his sins and he shows you what a gentleman is (more than just opening the door and paying for stuff…appreciating modesty, learning about your personality, protecting your soul and your purity, going to Mass and praying with you), he is worth it. Pray for this man. God bless you!
Click to expand...
I agree! I’m not married but I had to deal with this issue in a relationship, and the most important thing it taught me was forgiveness. I really think God had a hand in this because I had many vices that were brought to light by my initial inability to forgive. Also, Jason and Crystalina Evert’s site helped: pureloveclub.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=279
And for someone who has had premarital sex: pureloveclub.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=72

Try to acknowledge that this guy probably grew up in a very different environment and was not aware of the reality of sex. He made a serious mistake, but has since had a “conversion.” As long as he’s sincere, I don’t think the the possibility of a relationship should be abandoned just because he isn’t a virgin.

It hurts in the beginning, but it gets easier over time. I too felt a lot of jealousy, and I wish I had handled it better. Ephesians 5 helped. I think you have an opportunity to show this guy how loving and forgiving you can be! That said, if you really cannot deal with his past, then I guess you should consider avoiding the relationship lest you wind up making him feel even worse about his past than he already does.
 
Denise R–great post.

Emily: If it helps, and not with any intent to minimize your concerns, consider sinful conduct or a habit which you may have engaged in at some time in the past and which you have overcome. What do you relish more–remembering the sinful conduct-or-the gratification you feel for having overcome the vice? I assure you, if this young man is sincere about his recommitment to abstinence, then the latter is his focus, not the time he spent nor illicit pleasure he derived from the sinful conduct. His past is history which can’t be changed–judge him for his conduct now, with you. It would be unfair to keep him bound to his past just as it would be if he did the same to you.
 
Emily:

I know exactly where you are coming from because I was in the same boat.

I met my husband through a Catholic singles club. We were both in our early thirties. When we started dating, I made it clear that I was waiting for marriage. He could accept that, but he told me he was not a virgin. I soon found out that he had slept with his former girlfriend, and she was still in the singles club. Believe me,I understand how you feel about envisioning your boyfriend with someone else.

But here’s something you need to consider. As long as you allow this to bother you, you are giving a sin, an evil, power over you. You are allowing it to direct your life.

I managed to forgive my boyfriend for not waiting. We have been married for fifteen wonderful years and have the two greatest kids on earth. I would have missed all that if I had allowed his former behavior to ruin our relationship.

My best advice is to ask God for help with this. You might be surprised. All those negative images in your head can disappear.
 
My husband’s prior experience didn’t originally bother me. But right after one pregnancy, I began to feel like I could no longer compete with his memories. I no longer had the figure I once had, and I was never again going to be twenty-something. I’ve struggled with vanity, and that was a point when I didn’t look as good as I like to think I looked in my youth and I realized I was aging. My husband assured me that I didn’t have to worry about “competing”, but I worried anyway. I have since that time gotten over the insecurity. But I still wish he had waited for me.

I will also warn you, be careful not to let him cross the line. He has crossed it before, and it may be harder for him to control himself from crossing it again. He may respect your decision to wait right now, but be sure you are prepared to defend that decision over and over. The temptaion will grow stronger the more you fall in love with each other.
 
Please don’t be frightened away from a person who sinned but repented! Such people are just as fully capable of understanding the beauty and value of chastity as a virgin is—sometimes moreso, because they know first hand how ugly the opposite of chastity really is!

Even though an unmarried non-virgin has already given himself to another, you have to remember that that act of giving was a lie. It was nothing like the marital act between a husband and wife who love each other and would never use one another. A truly repentant man (or woman) will never look back fondly upon his past sexual experiences. The marriage act in its intended context holds such a sacred beauty, it can’t help but to reveal all those past experiences as the sad, silly lies they were.

I wasn’t a virgin on my wedding night, but my past was a good deal less black than my husband’s had been. However, he makes it so clear to me that our love is the only real love he has experienced, I’ve never felt even the slightest twinge of jealousy over any of his past partners. Our love is like a tall, perfect lily… why would I ever envy some dead weeds by the side of the road?

Virginity is a great virtue, but even our perfect Lod Jesus can bring himself to forgive an honest and truly repentant man for a deeply regretted transgression. If you believe that this man is really sorry and he has confessed this sin, I hope you’ll consider getting to know him better.
 
Unfortunatly, I had been with my former boyfriend before I met my husband. My husband and I also were intimate while dating. After we married, and my conversion, his “past” (including some one nighters) really began to haunt me. I truly regret my decisions, but what hurts even more than my past (I still cling to the fact that God has forgiven me), is that my husband will not let me ask his forgiveness for not waiting for him, and he does not regret his past. I would be ok if only he was sorry for having given himself away to so many girls. If your boyfriend is truly repentant, love him all the more for it! God would give you the grace in marriage (if you both ask for it) to overcome this sorrowful past. I offer my emotional pain to Jesus in reparation for both of our sexual sins, and for all those who are doing the same things we used to. That helps make me feel that even this pain has merit. God bless you, and thank Him every day for the gift of your virginity!
 
40.png
catholic-emily:
This may sound terrible but, I dont think I could go out with him for that reason. His past sex-life.
It would make me very very jealous, and i wouldnt be able to get the thought out of my head that another girl ‘had’ him before (if we were to get married) I did.
Click to expand...
Well, if my girlfriend didn’t let me off the hook for stuff I’ve done in the past before I saw the light(granted, I’ve never had sex, so maybe it’s different, but anyway…) then I would be stuck. I can’t change the past. There are things I wish I didn’t do, and things I wish I had never said (especially in front of her), but she let it all go.

So, if you can’t get past it, then that’s your decision. However, try letting him off the hook for his past. He can’t change it, but if he’s anything like me, he wishes he could take back everything, and give it all to you.

Eamon
 
40.png
Siena:
Unfortunatly, I had been with my former boyfriend before I met my husband. My husband and I also were intimate while dating. After we married, and my conversion, his “past” (including some one nighters) really began to haunt me. I truly regret my decisions, but what hurts even more than my past (I still cling to the fact that God has forgiven me), is that my husband will not let me ask his forgiveness for not waiting for him, and he does not regret his past. I would be ok if only he was sorry for having given himself away to so many girls. If your boyfriend is truly repentant, love him all the more for it! God would give you the grace in marriage (if you both ask for it) to overcome this sorrowful past. I offer my emotional pain to Jesus in reparation for both of our sexual sins, and for all those who are doing the same things we used to. That helps make me feel that even this pain has merit. God bless you, and thank Him every day for the gift of your virginity!
Click to expand...
Siena–God bless you. What a beautiful gesture to offer your emotional pain to Jesus for sexual sins. With such a selfless, loving attitude, I think God will bless you abundantly and soften your husband’s heart as well.
 
Remember the story of the prodigal son. He came running back to his father’s loving arms. You have the opportunity to do that for your boyfriend. Pray for him and ask God to work through you in a loving, forgiving manner.

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top