You will not believe

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chevalier

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And yet it’s true.

So, you know the story about the girl, my former girlfriend, someone I wanted to spend my life with. (forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=170590 - just so I don’t have to repeat it, but there was also a thread before, or two… two, I think, or three).

So, today I go to university (Warsaw, Poland) to hand the professor an almost-final version of my thesis. The prof isn’t there. I spend some time at university, I go to the library, post some in some forums, check the formalities needed for the thesis etc. Then I check if the prof isn’t there. He isn’t. So I almost go home, but I decide to go and get coffee from the main auditorium. It’s a superfluum: I’m going to my house anyway and I have a coffee machine there and I’ve had a coffee anyway, and I know my getting two coffees from the vending machine is showing off.

But I go and the machine close to the main door, under the stairs isn’t working, so I go to the one at ground floor but farther in the corridors. I open my wallet to take some coins and I see the picture of Merciful Jesus is there, the picture of my sister is on His bosom, but the picture of my ex is not there. I might have hidden it somewhere, but that’s not the point. It’s the occurence.

So then I go and hear some English in the corridor. I think of her. But that would be silly. I go, think I’ll listen where they are from, ask them something. Guess who it was. Yes, she. It was she.

My voice didn’t probably fail me, but my words did. I told her I didn’t know she would be there (a while ago I asked her if the scholarship in Poland was accepted and whether she’d like me to show her around and she replied, “Yes, they’ve accepted me, but I’d rather we didn’t meet at all. Hope you understand.” - and she didn’t even tell me which university it was out of the three possible, of which one was in a different city). She asked how I was. Up until then she was moderately nice and all. She might even have been happy to see me, I think she was - I was more like jaw-dropped. We talked about my university matters going a bit awkward and she said it would all be good. Then I asked her and she said it was very nice here. Well, I ended up saying, “Dealing with it… With things. Well, dealing,” and then she noticed it was giving me pain. After a while, she said they were starting and she had to go. “So (…) bye.” I asked if she would like to talk a bit. She said, “I’d rather not,” and went on.

And here I am. Going to church right now, but it hasn’t really hit me yet, I think. I have to finish off the thesis by tomorrow, but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to. I don’t want to know what when it gets me. And I don’t believe it as an accident. Oh come on, there is a “chance”, but…

Basically, now she’s in my country and city, 1000 km (some 600 miles with change) away from hers, on a scholarship she had applied for while still with me (I remember sending the application with her) and doesn’t want to talk to me. Not like she doesn’t know me, but like she would rather not. The accent, the manner of speech, felt like I was two classes lower or something. Assertive. I don’t understand.
 
chevalier said:
And yet it’s true.

So, you know the story about the girl, my former girlfriend, someone I wanted to spend my life with. (forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=170590 - just so I don’t have to repeat it, but there was also a thread before, or two… two, I think, or three).

So, today I go to university (Warsaw, Poland) to hand the professor an almost-final version of my thesis. The prof isn’t there. I spend some time at university, I go to the library, post some in some forums, check the formalities needed for the thesis etc. Then I check if the prof isn’t there. He isn’t. So I almost go home, but I decide to go and get coffee from the main auditorium. It’s a superfluum: I’m going to my house anyway and I have a coffee machine there and I’ve had a coffee anyway, and I know my getting two coffees from the vending machine is showing off.

But I go and the machine close to the main door, under the stairs isn’t working, so I go to the one at ground floor but farther in the corridors. I open my wallet to take some coins and I see the picture of Merciful Jesus is there, the picture of my sister is on His bosom, but the picture of my ex is not there. I might have hidden it somewhere, but that’s not the point. It’s the occurence.

So then I go and hear some English in the corridor. I think of her. But that would be silly. I go, think I’ll listen where they are from, ask them something. Guess who it was. Yes, she. It was she.

My voice didn’t probably fail me, but my words did. I told her I didn’t know she would be there (a while ago I asked her if the scholarship in Poland was accepted and whether she’d like me to show her around and she replied, “Yes, they’ve accepted me, but I’d rather we didn’t meet at all. Hope you understand.” - and she didn’t even tell me which university it was out of the three possible, of which one was in a different city). She asked how I was. Up until then she was moderately nice and all. She might even have been happy to see me, I think she was - I was more like jaw-dropped. We talked about my university matters going a bit awkward and she said it would all be good. Then I asked her and she said it was very nice here. Well, I ended up saying, “Dealing with it… With things. Well, dealing,” and then she noticed it was giving me pain. After a while, she said they were starting and she had to go. “So (…) bye.” I asked if she would like to talk a bit. She said, “I’d rather not,” and went on.

And here I am. Going to church right now, but it hasn’t really hit me yet, I think. I have to finish off the thesis by tomorrow, but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to. I don’t want to know what when it gets me. And I don’t believe it as an accident. Oh come on, there is a “chance”, but…

Basically, now she’s in my country and city, 1000 km (some 600 miles with change) away from hers, on a scholarship she had applied for while still with me (I remember sending the application with her) and doesn’t want to talk to me. Not like she doesn’t know me, but like she would rather not. The accent, the manner of speech, felt like I was two classes lower or something. Assertive. I don’t understand.
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I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I don`t know the context of your relationship. But I know when I have ended (or had relationships ended), I needed some space before resuming a friendship with that person. In some cases, I was not able to resume the friendship, because it caused me too much pain, or because I worried it would cause them pain. I have had also had guy friends who did not want to stay in touch as friends, because they understandably felt it was not appropriate since they were dating someone knew etc.

It sounds cold, but your former girlfriend may be doing the most compassionate thing by not wanting to be in touch right now. She doesn`t want to hurt you, so her actions may be coming from a place of love.

Regardless of her intent, take your pain to Mary and Jesus. I have found the rosary to be the best cure for a broken heart. The rosary and daily Mass.

Hang in there and keep praying! I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
chevalier said:
And yet it’s true.

So, you know the story about the girl, my former girlfriend, someone I wanted to spend my life with. (forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=170590 - just so I don’t have to repeat it, but there was also a thread before, or two… two, I think, or three).

So, today I go to university (Warsaw, Poland) to hand the professor an almost-final version of my thesis. The prof isn’t there. I spend some time at university, I go to the library, post some in some forums, check the formalities needed for the thesis etc. Then I check if the prof isn’t there. He isn’t. So I almost go home, but I decide to go and get coffee from the main auditorium. It’s a superfluum: I’m going to my house anyway and I have a coffee machine there and I’ve had a coffee anyway, and I know my getting two coffees from the vending machine is showing off.

But I go and the machine close to the main door, under the stairs isn’t working, so I go to the one at ground floor but farther in the corridors. I open my wallet to take some coins and I see the picture of Merciful Jesus is there, the picture of my sister is on His bosom, but the picture of my ex is not there. I might have hidden it somewhere, but that’s not the point. It’s the occurence.

So then I go and hear some English in the corridor. I think of her. But that would be silly. I go, think I’ll listen where they are from, ask them something. Guess who it was. Yes, she. It was she.

My voice didn’t probably fail me, but my words did. I told her I didn’t know she would be there (a while ago I asked her if the scholarship in Poland was accepted and whether she’d like me to show her around and she replied, “Yes, they’ve accepted me, but I’d rather we didn’t meet at all. Hope you understand.” - and she didn’t even tell me which university it was out of the three possible, of which one was in a different city). She asked how I was. Up until then she was moderately nice and all. She might even have been happy to see me, I think she was - I was more like jaw-dropped. We talked about my university matters going a bit awkward and she said it would all be good. Then I asked her and she said it was very nice here. Well, I ended up saying, “Dealing with it… With things. Well, dealing,” and then she noticed it was giving me pain. After a while, she said they were starting and she had to go. “So (…) bye.” I asked if she would like to talk a bit. She said, “I’d rather not,” and went on.

And here I am. Going to church right now, but it hasn’t really hit me yet, I think. I have to finish off the thesis by tomorrow, but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to. I don’t want to know what when it gets me. And I don’t believe it as an accident. Oh come on, there is a “chance”, but…

Basically, now she’s in my country and city, 1000 km (some 600 miles with change) away from hers, on a scholarship she had applied for while still with me (I remember sending the application with her) and doesn’t want to talk to me. Not like she doesn’t know me, but like she would rather not. The accent, the manner of speech, felt like I was two classes lower or something. Assertive. I don’t understand.
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WOW Chev…This is a very werid occurance. It’s werid that her picture was missing and then you ran into her right after that.
Maybe it’s God way of allowing the final healing process to begin?

Honestly you will never know why she has done what she has done. It may be that she had or is in her griving pattern for the romantic relationship and isn’t ready to pursue a relationship with you as friends. She may be trying to draw a line so that there is no confusion for you or her own heart. i know that i do not talk to two of boyfriends because there was no point in trying to stay friends. The lines of confusion would have always been there and it would have been pulling my emotions too much into the past or opening up old wounds.

Glad that you went to church. i hope it helped. Just keep your eyes on jesus and he will heal your broken heart.
 
Not only the picture… I was getting those flowers for grannie for birthday yesterday and I thought about my former girlfriend. I realised she would be the only one I would readily give flowers to and I wouldn’t need to worry which ones. It was painful. Some days before, I kept thinking of her. Praying a lot. (And I actually can’t stop thinking it was when I stopped praying the rosary for her, that our relations and communication deteriorated after the relationship.) It so doesn’t want to look like an accident.

I also worry about her since she wasn’t very lively and she looked thin. Too thin. It might have been eating her up. But I remember I was happy to see her. It certainly isn’t bad to see her. I’m glad it happened. I wonder where this is going to go. Since February, I’ve been trying to complete the novena to St Raphael (to find a good spouse), but never managed to. Started over so many times. Ended up thinking about her much of the time, if not all. I generally prayed a lot to meet the right woman some time, preferably soon. And always ended up thinking about her. Now this.
 
In fact, I do wonder how it will turn out. If this is the end of the story or not. I feel so inclined to wait for her with flowers tomorrow, but I don’t know at what time she will be there, if at all. Let alone the reaction. And I don’t even mean asking for to come back. Just it, just that. Still, probably not a good idea. I’ve prayed and left this in the hands of God, but I’m not sure if I actually shouldn’t do something - have to do my job, after all, just what it is. And I don’t know.
 
Dude, you sound a lot like an ex-boyfriend of mine. You need to just let go and trust God. Stop analyzing the way she looked, the way she talked, the distance between you, etc. Just pray. Pray that she be healthy, happy, and holy. And then focus on something else. It really sounds to me like you are obsessing about her and she’s trying to be a sweet a girl as possible while defining the boundaries. Respect those boundaries.

Trust me, if God means for you two to be together, you will be. Someone once told me that you pray for that special person for so long, and when you finally do find them, sometimes it seems that God is almost rushing you along. God has a plan for you. And He has a plan for your ex-girlfriend. It’s time for you to just let those plans fall into place by just working on accepting whatever God wants.

And say the prayer to St. Raphael. I prayed that novena many times…and here I am, married to a wonderful Catholic man.

God bless,

kevinsgirl
 
I hope you get through this pain chevalier… you have been a wonderful friend to everyone on this site…

you might want to say the rosary and just meditate on the mysteries… although the reason for saying it would be to find a good spouse, if you cant focus on that, dont! She knows why you are doing it so it will still be heard!!

take care and be strong!
 
I echo that you should let it go. It’s probably better for you not to be friends, it could be confusing and hinder future relationships.

I had a really bad breakup a few years back, and prayed very hard that we get back together (even though I wasn’t a very good catholic at the time). Well God answered my prayers, but not the answer I wanted 😉 We never got back together, but I learned a lot about people and love. Two years later I met my wife 🙂

God Bless
 
chevalier said:
I feel so inclined to wait for her with flowers tomorrow, but I don’t know at what time she will be there, if at all. Let alone the reaction.

I’ve prayed and left this in the hands of God, but I’m not sure if I actually shouldn’t do something - have to do my job, after all, just what it is. And I don’t know.
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Not a good idea. With all due respect, that is stalker behavior, not romantic chivalry. She has made her wishes known to you on several occasions and you owe it to her to respect them.

Pray and leave it in God’s hands and don’t try to force from this girl the response you want. Find something else to focus on–your job, your studies, a good book…
 
kevinsgirl said:
Not a good idea. With all due respect, that is stalker behavior, not romantic chivalry. She has made her wishes know to you on several occasions and you owe it to her to respect them.

Pray and leave it in God’s hands and don’t try to force from this girl the response you want. Find something else to focus on–your job, your studies, a good book…
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I agree. I would be seriously concerned if I had specifically stated my unwillingness to remain in contact with an ex, yet said ex was waiting for me the very next day.

In fact, I have dealt with similar behavior (not from an ex, but from a former co-worker). I had to threaten to file a complaint with HR before he would leave me alone. Not pleasant.
 
Yeah, I lost my nerve for a moment with the flower thing. I guess it’s becasue we were friends before, so the whole thing with the relationship, well, that wasn’t the only reason to see each other. She didn’t say never wanted to see me again, but yeah, she did say she’d rather we didn’t meet at all. I don’t like that, but well, I’m not going to force myself on people. It hurts a bit, since it’s not how I imagine one talks to friends, and we had had a bit of it in the relationship. It was probably a misguided sense of loyalty… or perhaps disguised selfishness on my part.

It hurts she’s pained or whatever makes her act like that, perhaps I’m imagining it, but it still hurts I can’t help her in any way. I can’t say I don’t feel somewhat mistreated, but well, that’s another thing that makes me think she must be in pain herself. Anyway, I’m becoming bitter and I’d rather not write things I don’t really think. But my optimism isn’t very strong.
 
bilop said:
I echo that you should let it go. It’s probably better for you not to be friends, it could be confusing and hinder future relationships.

I had a really bad breakup a few years back, and prayed very hard that we get back together (even though I wasn’t a very good catholic at the time). Well God answered my prayers, but not the answer I wanted 😉 We never got back together, but I learned a lot about people and love. Two years later I met my wife 🙂

God Bless
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Ha - I could have written this same post…exactly.

Che, you need to let this woman go. She is in your counrty but did not contact you for a reason.

You have made great strides - let her move on as well.
Keep on trusting God.
 
I trusted God when the relationship was starting. The moment I gave up she came to me on her own some 2-3 weeks after turning me down. There had been a lot of my praying before. Another thing that contributes to the idea I’ve messed up a relationship that was probably meant to be. Doesn’t mean I don’t trust now. But I have little optimism in me and I don’t really think I’ll ever be happy. Then I think it’s not about my being happy anyway. Then I feel bad for the bitter vibe in the latter thought. So then I stop thinking. I could stop thinking, but I can’t stop the migraine and the lungs from turning on me. It’s hard to stop thinking about it and move on when all your face muscles and especially the jaw (had osteotomy 1.5 years ago) are acting up and you know why.
 
chevalier said:
I trusted God when the relationship was starting. The moment I gave up she came to me on her own some 2-3 weeks after turning me down. There had been a lot of my praying before. Another thing that contributes to the idea I’ve messed up a relationship that was probably meant to be. Doesn’t mean I don’t trust now. But I have little optimism in me and I don’t really think I’ll ever be happy. Then I think it’s not about my being happy anyway. Then I feel bad for the bitter vibe in the latter thought. So then I stop thinking. I could stop thinking, but I can’t stop the migraine and the lungs from turning on me. It’s hard to stop thinking about it and move on when all your face muscles and especially the jaw (had osteotomy 1.5 years ago) are acting up and you know why.
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Sounds like your relationship really was meant to be. But what we don’t know is what purpose God had for it or for how long He intended it. Just because God willed your relationship with her does not mean that you were supposed to get married. Maybe God let you two have a relationship so that she would get the scholarship and meet someone else that God wanted her to marry. We really won’t know the whole story until we can ask God in Heaven one day 🙂

You sound like a very sweet person, and I’m sure that the girl God has planned for you will be lucky to have you! When you’re feeling so uncertain, unpeaceful, and have bitter thoughts, pray “Jesus, I trust in You to give me Your Peace!” Just pray that over and over, and in a few minutes you will feel a lot more at peace.
 
CatholicSam said:
Sounds like your relationship really was meant to be. But what we don’t know is what purpose God had for it or for how long He intended it. Just because God willed your relationship with her does not mean that you were supposed to get married. Maybe God let you two have a relationship so that she would get the scholarship and meet someone else that God wanted her to marry. We really won’t know the whole story until we can ask God in Heaven one day 🙂

.
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Very well stated. God often wills us into relationships but not always to end in marriage.
 
Chev,

Some of the issue it may be is that you see her for the women/soul of a person that she is and you love her whole person even with all the flaws that presented itself in the relationship. Which is why you thought “I should bring her flowers or I am worried about her”. You are still seeing the person and not necessarly the relationship as what you care for. She on the otherhand may see it as he wants a relationship or he is too clingy.

Or it could simple be that your heart stills aches for her but your brain realizes that it wouldn’t be a heathy situation. Either way i wouldn’t bring her flowers or approach her tommorrow. There is a reason she didn’t contact you. You are going to have to respect her wishes. Maybe it will be a good but hard test to see if you can move on from her.
 
CatholicSam said:
Sounds like your relationship really was meant to be.
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You haven’t heard it finished on 2nd Feb., actually. That was Friday. Talks started on Monday with her coming to talk to me after my praying on Sunday for God to solve our problems, together or separately, but solve.

Things have a purpose in life, but I have a problem believing that God specifically wills so many things that happen in our lives, rather than letting them happen. Especially a relationship breaking up later. 😉 It’s not a marriage proving null, but… Still. Who knows. Maybe something wouldn’t otherwise have been possible.
You sound like a very sweet person, and I’m sure that the girl God has planned for you will be lucky to have you! When you’re feeling so uncertain, unpeaceful, and have bitter thoughts, pray “Jesus, I trust in You to give me Your Peace!” Just pray that over and over, and in a few minutes you will feel a lot more at peace.
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Thank you.
 
jrabs said:
Very well stated. God often wills us into relationships but not always to end in marriage.
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Whence that? I mean, why would He have a specific will for their happening? We can’t guarantee that.
 
chevalier said:
Whence that? I mean, why would He have a specific will for their happening? We can’t guarantee that.
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I think of some of the relationships in my life, that no longer exist, and I know God was trying to teach me something.

I often pray for my ex-boyfriends and I pray that they will be “happy, healthy, and close to God.” Doing that has really helped me move forward. You can take the concern you have for your former girlfriend, and turn it into power action via prayer, while still respecting her boundaries, and her polite requests for distance.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
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