Young Americans Aren't Too Poor to Have Kids

[13pollitos]

You are drawing a conclusion that is not in line with what I have said. No one is expected to have a large family. Some (like me) May never be able to biologically anyway, no matter how hard we try and pray. I honestly thought and was told I would never have my own children. It isn’t that people should or shouldn’t have as many children as possible, it’s that people need to realize the only way to financially achieve what they want is that they have to work hard to get there. And it doesn’t matter what they think they are deserving of, not everyone is able to have it all. Life is about choices. And if we wait until all things line up perfectly for us, life passes us by. So, if someone wants marriage and a family, they need to learn to make do with what they’ve got, or they will need to accept they may never have that family. It is a sad time in history when so many people are opting to abandon the idea of family for stuff. But that is where we are.

 

[starlady]

That the birth rate is higher in populations with lower incomes does not necessarily mean that “Americans aren’t too poor to have kids”. Americans aren’t having more kids for a lot of different reasons, but the very simplistic conclusion that they’re just too selfish and don’t want to give up their lifestyle only goes so far.

I think older adults (meaning my parents’ generation, who are in their 60s and up) have a hard time understanding the economic and social climate in which we are having children now. It is nearly impossible to live on one income unless that one income is rather substantial. Do people with lower incomes do it? Yes, but often not without help from family or other social welfare programs.

My husband and I are in our mid thirties and have one child and one on the way. He has a Bachelor’s and I have Master’s degree. We both work and we still do not own a home. We’ve both experienced layoffs. Our son needs therapy. Things are tight. We do not go on vacations, ever. Health insurance is outrageously expensive and pays for less and less each year. I always wanted more kids. That will probably not happen.

People like to say “oh, people these days don’t want kids because they don’t want to give up all their stuff” or “they’re too scared”. I don’t disagree with most of the article, but I do disagree with the idea that people are unnecessarily scared of financial and other concerns, and if they could only learn to sacrifice. There is certainly truth in that, but let’s not downplay issues like parental leave, health care costs, child care costs, the need for dual incomes, etc.

Yes…I would give anything to be a stay at home mother (something I never ever ever thought I would say), but we just can’t possibly do it right now, especially because our remarkably good health insurance is through my job, not my husband’s. Me taking maternity leave was absolutely necessary (recovery from C-section), but it put a dent in our savings since I was not able to help pay rent/hospital bills/etc. during that time.

That being said, I share similar feelings as the author in the first article. While it’s not always easy, I am so thankful we didn’t postpone having kids (I know a lot of people postpone for various reasons, what’s serious for one couple may not be serious for another). Our son was born this past summer, a month before our first wedding anniversary. My husband is 33 and I am 27. I am pretty much the only one out of my group of friends from college who is married and has a child…sometimes I wish it were easy for my husband and I to go see a movie or even just eat dinner haha. But nothing beats hearing my son’s giggles and seeing his smiles. Though for the reasons previously mentioned (and others), we will be spacing the next one(s) (or trying to, as far as God so desires).

It has been a roller coaster, and this roller coaster is only just getting started! But I’m so glad I got on.

 

[KCmedtech]

I’m glad we didn’t postpone having kids either.

I finished my degree with three very small babies.

But, I feel very strongly about judging any family for the number of children they have and creating ideas as to why it may be happeneing.

I have zero desire to be a stay at home mom. I was forced into it because my job, without a degree, did not pay enough to cover day care and we both worked awkward hours. I bit the bullet, quit my job, and stayed at home. I hated every second of it and would never do it again.

My husband and I also worked exceptionally hard to create a middle class lifestyle and I’m still adamant of limiting my family size…and expenses play a major issue.

We’ve dealt with job loss and living with no cable, no smart phones, one car to share, and using EBT cards to put some food on the table.
It was exhausting, stressful, and put a serious strain on our marriage.
I will never go back to that reality…being that poor with small children. Children that are home all the time with all that stress and tension about which bill will we need to skip? Can we find loose change in the couch to pay for gas so my husband can make it to that interview? How long can I risk driving a car without it registered before I get pulled over or get into an accident?
How can we afford a van to safely seat three car seats that cannot possibly fit in a small sedan?

So, I get a little fired up when my age is a direct correlation with entitlement and selfishness.

And, yes, we do send our children to a private Catholic school that costs tuition and yes, I’m absolutely limiting my family size because of this. I refuse to send my children to public school. Our school district isn’t too bad, academically, but I don’t know what kind of outside stresses these children are going through. Which kids are dealing with a single mother who is away too often because she works so much with an absentee father. Which kids live with grandparents because their parents lost custody. Which kids are dealing with mom’s new boyfriend of the moment.

 

[Xantippe]

We will provide free childcare if they choose to live near us, but that is completely up to them.

That’s a pretty big deal. Childcare is worth hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars a month, depending where you live.

The one at home has a job and pays their own expenses. Itvseems, though, that itbis the norm in the US for parents to be at least a small part of the support for their kids. It’s teally sad to me.

Being a young adult in the US today is no picnic. It is really, really hard for young adults today to become economically self-sufficient.

If you are providing free room or free room and board to your adult child, that’s a very valuable contribution. Again, that’s a gift worth hundreds of dollars a month.

I never lived near my extended family. We saw them about 2-4 weeks every other summer. My kids have never been near their grandparents either. I don’t understand why that is such a big thing. Adults should be able to stand in their own feet.

So, why offer your adult kids a place to live or free childcare, if standing on their own two feet is so crucial?

 

[Xantippe]

That’s really unfair. Public schools have always been a bad system. I teach in them. I know the problems and they have always existed. People used to just accept that that was how it had to be and didnt think there was a choice. Parochial or private catholic schools have been hit or miss as well. I attended them. Some were good, most were no better than the public schools. Many people could not afford even the cheapest ones even in past generations. Once again, these are choices people make. Deciding you or your kids deserve something better than what you can afford is simply pride. Instead people should be thankful if they have the option, not expect grandparents to pitch in or whine and complain it’s not good enough.

I assure you that my hometown rural school district went from hit-or-miss to completely unacceptable within the years between my siblings attending and my sister sending her son there.

And yes, the suburban school system my nephew went to after that and graduated from was a lot better.

The differences between schools are a lot more dramatic (as well as better known) than when we were kids.

And yeah, the cost of getting into a better school district is going to impact family budgets and family size, just like the cost of parochial school could wind up impacting family budgets and family size.

 

[Xantippe]

it’s that people need to realize the only way to financially achieve what they want is that they have to work hard to get there.

If that’s what people need to do (paddle their own financial canoe), they are going to be delaying/foregoing parenthood–which is what we’ve been seeing.

 

[13pollitos]

No, not free room and board. She pays her own bills. She buys her food. She pays rent. The reason she hasn’t moved out is we live close to her school, we all enjoy being together, but when we move this summer she will not be moving with us. At least not until she finishes school. Then it would be depending on where her job is, just like her older siblings. Most likely none will end up near us. That does make me a little sad, but also excited that they are living their lives, with their choices, doin things their own ways. We have no problem with our adult children living with us. We would be fine with our married children (if they do marry) living with as well, but they do have to pay their own way. They contribute food and pay rent. They pay their bills and if they want anything we don’t provide, that’s on them.

If my children move close and I am able to be near and know my grandchildren I would hope they allow me to keep them. It would be an honor. I don’t consider that babysitting anymore than mothering is. Chances are low that will happen. They don’t really know either set of grandparents, or their bio grandparents either. We’ve never lived near either side of our family. They don’t really know cousins, aunts, uncles either. We are all spread out. The jobs they have or are pursuing would likely not take them to our area. Most likely we also will continue to spread.

Our families all live either in different states or countries. One of ours is most likely staying in the country she is visiting now. She lives it there, is employable, has friends, and is independent enough to make it work. That means more to me than seeing her everyday. Knowing she’s able to fly instead of sink. Her brother is living several states away from us too. He also is doing great. Another brother lives in the area and has a great job. The peace of mind that my kids are all able to make life work is a blessing. I don’t have to worry all day long about how they are.

 

[13pollitos]

Nope. The ones that are independent and learn to make adulthood work closer to 18 than they are to 35 are the ones having families.

 

[13pollitos]

Not really. There has always been a huge gap between the good schools and the bad schools. I am sure some formerly good schools are now bad schools, and some formerly bad schools are now decent or good, but the gap has always been huge.

 

[13pollitos]

I should clarify that 5 of the oldest 6 have no disabilities. They are capable of living on their own. The other one needs much more time and support. He will most likely be home for years to come, and that is ok. He is how God made him and when the time comes, he too will be able to soar. We all know he will need the support of a close sibling to accompany him once my husband and I are gone. So I do know that there are times that extra support for adult children is necessary. But it should be the exception, not the norm. It is the one part of American society I’ve never been able to grasp. Parents being asked to pay for college, help with down payments on houses, asked for tuition for grandchildren’s school or sports/music lessons, vacation assistance, etc. Even with the parents/grandparents financially contributing large sums of money, the adults complain that parents are interfering in their lives. But if they are paying for their life, they deserve say in how their money is managed. If there is a disability that is severe enough, the adult child needs more than financial help. If there is no disability, the adult child deserves to make it on their own. And parents need to step back and allow for that.

 

[pensmama87]

Lack of financial education is the rule, rather than the exception, so it is easy to get a bad start in life by accident. After all, a lot of older people are pretty bad with money, too, so they can’t teach something that they don’t know, even if their kids were willing to listen.

Oh, yes!

My mother has never used a budget in her life. She is frugal in some ways and is not a spendy person, but she does not know how much actually comes in every month and how much goes out. But my father has always made enough that even in leaner years they’ve never had to worry about things like groceries and keeping the lights on. She did teach me how to write a check, and how to figure out unit pricing, and how shelves stock items designed to get you to pay more. These were valuable skills!

Because of our financial situation when my husband and I started out we had to do things differently. I suppose we could have just lived on credit cards and said to heck with it, but neither of our parents lived that way. I’m really grateful for their example in this, too. But I had no idea how to actually live within our means or even know what our means really were. I can’t remember how I found out about Dave Ramsey initially - maybe my mother in law? And my grandparents, who looked out for me when I was in college, really like Suze Orman, so I had a place to start to learn that seemed trustworthy and not overwhelming.

I suppose I can credit my own initiative in some ways with this, but really, even though some aspects of our situation were incredibly difficult I did have a lot to rely on - stable family examples and at least some idea that there were things about handling money I needed to pay attention to. If you grow up learning helplessness, it is SO HARD to overcome that, rather than growing up with a belief that you can control some things about your circumstances.

For a lot of reasons, I think learned helplessness is becoming a norm among large swathes of the population, even among those who grew up with means.

 

[pensmama87]

It was a tremendous advantage for parents in past generations to be able to have peace of mind about putting their kids in their local public school or to have access to inexpensive parochial schools. If public school isn’t a realistic option (or if it’s necessary to pay more for a house in a better school district), kids get a lot more expensive.

We live in one of those “good” districts and are about to pull our kids to homeschool. The test scores may say one thing, but the attitudes and behaviors my kids bring home, and the academic work they are doing, say another. A couple of years ago I would not have had the mental ability to contemplate teaching them at home, because I was too overwhelmed, but that’s not our situation now.

Even though I’m going to heavily use our local library and other free resources (there are many), and obtain what books I can secondhand, it isn’t going to be cheap. Cheaper than Catholic school, but still more expensive than public (though I’m looking forward to not endlessly chipping in for PTA fundraisers.)

ETA: I was actually thinking about my moms group while in this thread. We may have a couple younger members, but most are in their 30s. Many of us have more than three kids, but those of us who did married young and haven’t had any fertility issues. Our area has outstanding prenatal and delivery options. We’re mostly well educated, intellectually curious people and financially stable, or on paths to that. We all offer lots of tangible help to each other. Practicing Catholics are easy to find. For those of us who can have a large family, this is an environment where we can thrive.

 

[Angel_Gabriel]

Your post resonates a lot with me. I can relate. We also started our family when we were younger and I’m glad I did. We’ve been through a lot together too and it’s definitely made us stronger…I’m glad we both got our butts in gear and made the decision to live with less and focus on the more important things in life (faith and family). We’ve been through a bankruptcy, food stamps, going back to school, kids with learning disabilities, finding work during the Recession and dealing with working crappy low paying jobs. We’re currently dealing with paying off student loans (dont’ get me started on that lol!) and contemplating selling our house. But we’re determined to make it work. I’m certainly a different person than I was 15 years ago when we married…in a good way…more mature and willing to admit when I’m wrong and more patient.

I also didn’t particularly enjoy being a full time stay at home mom. Maybe it was hard b/c of their ages…it’s easier for me now that they are older and more independent. I work part time now and it’s definitely the best thing for me mentally (although still hard b/c I feel like I have to split my attention between house and job).

Our family size is most likely staying the same…I think it’s a good size and couldn’t imagine handling more…my outside help has been significantly reduced unfortunately. When I was younger I dont’ think I realized what a blessing it was to have family who loved to help watch the kids so I could get stuff done. I hope to be that kind of grandma someday…God willing!

I’m lucky to live in an area of the country that is extremely affordable. It’s the main reason I am staying here (b/c let’s face it, the weather isn’t that great lol!)

 

[JMMJ]

I didn’t choose the number of children I had based on what I could currently afford. I took worse case scenarios (death of spouse, inability of me to work due to illness, etc) and decided how many children I could raise in a financially responsible manner should one or more of those life events occurred. I am all about responsibile parenting, and that means making sure you aren’t at risk for not being able to put food in your child’s mouth, clothes on their back, a roof over their head, provide health care, etc. It is anything but selfish.

 

[13pollitos]

I am glad I didn’t choose the number I had at all. Responsible parenthood means more than just financial obligations. It has much more to do with the care, affection, and education of faith and morals parents provide than it does anything else.

I am so glad that poverty isn’t viewed as a hinderance to giving birth or counts as being irresponsible in many families. If it was, my husband would not have been born. The world is a much better place because he is in it. I can think of many students I’ve had over the years that also make the world brighter.

Please rethink making poor parents out as irresponsible. All children are gifts and deserve the life God has graced them with.

 

[JMMJ]

I don’t judge the responsibility of other parents unless there is obvious abuse or neglect going on. I really don’t. Every couple and family seems to have their own formula for deciding how many children can be brought into the family. My point is just that those who choose to have fewer than others don’t necessarily do so out of selfishness. I see a lot of that here, sometimes. For me and my husband, it couldn’t be further from the truth. We take parenting as the biggest responsibility we will ever take on, and we take that seriously and our decisions are based in large part on that understanding. Love, alone, doesn’t diaper a baby’s behind or educate them or feed them. We do the most we can with what we have.

Incidentally, I know plenty of families who plan nothing and for whom everything turns out just fine. I am happy for them and happy they live the way they are comfortable in their approach.

 

[13pollitos]

I apologize for misunderstanding your post. I agree that there are MANY ways that family size is determined. No, I didn’t plan anything and still only have two bio kids. The rest were adopted.

May God bless you for striving to do His will.