Young and Isolated

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healmyheart

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I am in my 20’s and my husband has cancer. Our families are far away and I’m the only one around to take care of him. I have wonderful friends but they are all so young that they haven’t even had to worry about sick parents yet, much less sick spouses. Many of them aren’t even married yet. I feel so alone. None of my friends know what I’m going through, and try as they might they can’t understand my fear of being a widow at 25. My family isn’t around and I can’t burden my husband with my fears. In front of him everything will be fine, I know it, but deep down I doubt. I find myself crying in secret constantly. When he’s at work, in the bathroom when I’m at work, before bed when the lights are off, in restaurant bathrooms when we go out, in our bathroom when I feel the tears building and I have to hide from him. This may be TMI but sex is the worst. I am filled with so much love for him that I just lose it, and then fight to hide my outburst. Honestly, I am so young and crippled with fear. If I don’t find a support system I’m afraid that I won’t be able to be strong for him anymore. I don’t know where to turn.
 
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this trauma with no support system. If you are Catholic have you approached your priest? He should be able to help you find resources and/or other parishioners who would be honored to befriend you at this time. It is true that many people your age have not had to face such fear and sorrow but there will be many, many people in your parish who will have lived through terrible trials and will want to be there for you. You could call Catholic Community Services and explain your situation, see if there is a support group for people in your situation. Another place to try is the St. Vincent DePaul (SDVP) group in your parish or diocese. They are a group dedicated to help those in need (including emotional support) and will be made up of just regular people. Another idea is look around your parish and notice people who are very active in the parish, even if it is in quiet ways of service such as running coffee after Mass. Very active parishioners or a nun involved in your parish will usually be great resources and help you make friends and find support.I am sure that if people around you knew of the tremendous suffering you and your husband are going through at the moment they would be only to willing to do whatever they can.

When one of my children had a blood disease and was receiving chemotherapy as a baby and toddler, friends in my parish and other parishioners who I did not know up to that point went out of their way to visit me and check in on me. The Right to Life group is another parish organization stacked with zealous and caring Christians. Pray and then take the courage to let people around you in your Catholic community know you are in need of their love and support. God bless you and you can always send me a PM ❤️
 
That was wonderful advice kindness; and I wiill pray for the OP and her husband.
Mary.
 
Contact Catholic Charities. They have counselors on a sliding scale. The local hospital could have social workers that could be assigned to you guys.

Do not be afraid to show emotion in front of your husband. There’s being strong and stoic, and then there’s giving the impression that this is not affecting you. Let him comfort you in your anxiety and fear. It’s okay to cry.
 
In addition to the good suggestions above, the hospital where your husband is being treated might have a support group for patients’ families – it’s worth looking into.

Big hugs to you!
 
Anastasia had a good suggestion, there will also be social workers at the hospital you could approach - they can help connect you to local resources. Ask the nursing staff assigned to your husband for a referral.

You can also ask to speak to the Catholic Chaplin assigned to the hospital (you don’t need to be Catholic).
 
Thank you all so much. A counselor or something like that would be a great help, and hopefully get me through this. I’ll look into that. But my personal life is so lonely. It’s only the beginning of his illness and already I’ve put so much on hold to care for him and go to his appointments. He still manages to work most days, but as soon as he gets home he crawls into bed and sleeps, all while having extreme chills and sweats. I don’t mind sacrificing, he would do the same for me without thought. But I hate how so many of my friends are uncomfortable around me now, or try to be supportive but have no clue what it even means to be married, much less married to someone with cancer. The best times I have are when my mom manages to come down for a weekend, or when his parents come down. It is so nice to have someone older and stronger than I am put their arms sound me and understand my tears.
 
healmyheart said:
Thank you all so much. A counselor or something like that would be a great help, and hopefully get me through this. I’ll look into that. But my personal life is so lonely. It’s only the beginning of his illness and already I’ve put so much on hold to care for him and go to his appointments. He still manages to work most days, but as soon as he gets home he crawls into bed and sleeps, all while having extreme chills and sweats. I don’t mind sacrificing, he would do the same for me without thought. But I hate how so many of my friends are uncomfortable around me now, or try to be supportive but have no clue what it even means to be married, much less married to someone with cancer. The best times I have are when my mom manages to come down for a weekend, or when his parents come down. It is so nice to have someone older and stronger than I am put their arms sound me and understand my tears.
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You already know that you are on a hard path. There really isn’t going to be any easy way for you to feel better right now. Nothing is going to totally remove your fear, anxiety, love and concern for your husband, and grief at the thought of losing him to cancer. All you can do is use the resources you have, as often as you can, so you don’t go completely bonkers. The friends who come through this with you (and there may be few of them, if any) will be your friends for life, because they won’t give up when the road gets rocky. You may be gifted with a few friends from unexpected quarters, watch out for these people at church or the hospital.

Don’t totally hide your emotions from your husband, but don’t burden him all the time with crying, either. It sounds hard to do, and it is. Men are designed to want to protect us and solve our problems, and your husband IS the problem, or the cancer is, so there is nothing he can do to fix it, and it will give him stress. So yes, use your mom as a shoulder to cry on, and his parents if they are that close (if so, you are very lucky).

You will probably never feel comfortable with people your own age again, for you have walked where they will not walk for a long long time. They will have no reference point. It’s as if you can see farther into the distance than they can, or with a wider vision. You will have grown through this painful time, while they will have been focused on different things.

I will certainly pray for you and for your husband. Come and chat with us any time you need to.

:grouphug::signofcross:
 
I went away from the computer in tears when I read your post.

He’s your husband, Love, and you do need to share some of your true feelings with him which would also allow him to share his with you. You need somehow to go through this together, without allowing the grief to paralyse you both.

I don’t understand why the hospital hasn’t directed you and your husband to support that is in place for cancer sufferers and their families.

May God grant you trust in your husband’s treatment. It doesn’t have to be worse case scenario.
I know things can work out better than the diagnosis. May I give a personal experience of this? In May my brother-in-law’s vehicle aquaplaned into a tree. The spinal break was so high that the doctors assured us Tony would have use of his arms to the wrist, and not gain function below the break. No he hasn’t regained control over bodily functions, but on Skype last week I watched Tony in an upright walker, doing a turn around the dining table, steadily walking. He can only still do this for a brief time, but Tony aims for better, and believes that others’ prayers led to his recovery thus far. His right hand has limited function, but it does have some function, and his left hand is doing well. He can even write a little shakily. It had looked so bad, but Tony remained hopeful and optimistic.

Love, do you use Skype, a free downloadable program that enables you to talk and to see the people you love even if they live far away? My older sister and her husband, when we interact on Skype, feel like it’s a real visit. In the worst months, my sister found strength and consolation in talking to our sisters and me on Skype whenever she needed. It’s still hard for her sometimes and she gets very tired, but the Skype ‘visits’ revive her.
I do so hope you have a sister or a close relationship with your mother, despite distance.

I know you can’t hug on Skype, but we use it to express our mutual love and support anyway. At least it’s closer than a phone-call, and you can sit talking, seeing each others’ faces and expressions along with the words.
 
I think it’s clear that what you want and need right now are some new friends, people who befriend you, love you and walk with you and are not professional observers. Those people are around you so please pray that you recognize them and ask God to bring them into your life. I will definitely pray for that intention for you. Are you Catholic? Although this is a Catholic forum it is not something you have mentioned. All the resources we have mentioned will be available to you, Catholic or not. If you can tell us which city or state you are in maybe we could point you to resources close to you.

Unfortunately it is normal that when something unusual such as your husband being diagnosed with cancer in their twenties happens you can find yourself out of sync with your own age group. It takes a wise and special friend of the same age to be able to walk with you at this time. But again they do exist, most likely however you should open your mind and heart up to accept friendship from whatever quarter it presents itself right now. You may find you have a lot more in common with people of a different age, background or walk of life at the moment. Be open to the Holy Spirit and ask God to guide you to the people who can bring you friendship and comfort at this time. Trishie’s idea of Skyping with your family regularly is also a great one.
 
Thank you all so much for your concern, prayers, and suggestions.

Things are looking up a bit, we got some good news from the doctors. He still has to do chemo, but his cancer seems to be far more curable than originally thought. This is still only the beginning, but it is a good reason to hope.

And, my best friend just asked us if we wouldn’t mind if he stuck around for Christmas instead of leaving town to see his family to help me with the cooking and cleaning up, and to keep us company and enjoy the movies and eggnog with us. I broke down in tears when he asked, I was so touched that he would be willing to give up seeing his family to spend time with us, but he assured me that he wanted to. That kindness made me feel much less alone.

And hubby’s parents are coming down the weekend after Christmas, and my parents are coming down the weekend after that! So at least for the near future I’ll have some support.

I am in a much better place than I was when I posted this thread and the one about how to celebrate Christmas with a sick spouse. Of course this will be an emotional roller coaster, but I will keep in mind your kind words and supportive ideas for the next time things get hard.
 
healmyheart said:
Thank you all so much for your concern, prayers, and suggestions.

Things are looking up a bit, we got some good news from the doctors. He still has to do chemo, but his cancer seems to be far more curable than originally thought. This is still only the beginning, but it is a good reason to hope.

And, my best friend just asked us if we wouldn’t mind if he stuck around for Christmas instead of leaving town to see his family to help me with the cooking and cleaning up, and to keep us company and enjoy the movies and eggnog with us. I broke down in tears when he asked, I was so touched that he would be willing to give up seeing his family to spend time with us, but he assured me that he wanted to. That kindness made me feel much less alone.

And hubby’s parents are coming down the weekend after Christmas, and my parents are coming down the weekend after that! So at least for the near future I’ll have some support.

I am in a much better place than I was when I posted this thread and the one about how to celebrate Christmas with a sick spouse. Of course this will be an emotional roller coaster, but I will keep in mind your kind words and supportive ideas for the next time things get hard.
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Good news indeed, and answered prayers! 🙂 That friend is indeed, a true friend. God bless him for his concern. You can safely put him in the “keeper forever” category, I believe! :love:

Many here are praying for you and your fiance’ and will continue to do so. Please let us know how you are doing! I hope you have a joyous Christmas.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Good news indeed, and answered prayers! 🙂 That friend is indeed, a true friend. God bless him for his concern. You can safely put him in the “keeper forever” category, I believe! :love:

Many here are praying for you and your fiance’ and will continue to do so. Please let us know how you are doing! I hope you have a joyous Christmas.
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That is excellent. But this needs to be a learning moment. Nothing is guaranteed in this life and we must be prepared to carry heavy burdens. Think about all the young people in third world countries, those suffering daily persecution in Islamic countries. Think about all the young people in the great wars of the past who suffered so greatly and survived those trials and became strong adults and examples for all to follow. Think about the young parents who lost children in Newtown.

We will pray for a successful recovery. 👍
 
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