Young children/funeral home visit/open coffin

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triumphguy said:
The difference over the last few days was horrible to watch.

One thing I’ve seen in quite a few posts is that the deceased often looks “better” than in their final agony, So I’ll play it by ear.
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This is so true.

This will sound kind of weird but my mom actually has pictures of my dad - one taken just a few days before he died of Alzheimer’s (wasted away) and unable to take nourishment, and one of him in his casket. The difference is amazing…

God will be with you whichever you choose.

Peace
James
 
Some of my most vivid memories are funerals of family members that I attended between ages 6-10. I do not remember attending the visitations, but I do remember the burials. They were upsetting because my parents were upset.

For my daughter who’s 12 now but was only 7 when her great-grandpa died, I had her attend the visitation, where people were calmer, but not the funeral because I thought it would be too upsetting to see relatives’ meltdowns. 7 is pretty impressionable.

Like another poster said, you know your children best. Perhaps it would be better for them to attend the funeral only, rather than an open casket wake–especially if your relative does not look like himself.

But you don’t want to deny their grief. Death is a difficult topic, but I always comfort my daughter by telling her it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be sad, death is a part of life, it’s ok to talk about the deceased family member. It’s ok to pray for them and to miss them. I want her to have a healthy idea of death rather than to fear it.

I am sorry for your loss.
 
maryjk said:
I think there is a big difference between singing at a funeral of someone you don’t know and going to a Viewing of a loved one.

If fact, attending a funeral of someone you don’t know, and being an altar server or singing at the funeral is a good way to expose a child to death without adding the personal feelings toward the deceased.
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I think you are absolutely right, although I did know the people we buried. One was the teenaged brother of a classmate. It does get you used to the idea that death and grieving are a part of life.

As for the viewing, I don’t do it myself, because I’ve found it interferes with my memories of the deceased while he or she was still living. I think it is a very individual thing, though.

I fully expect that at least one or two of your children will elect not to view their grandfather’s body, or will say they want you to decide. There a reason I mentioned that it is not wrong to look because you are curious though. It’s the kind of reason a child might follow, but feel guilty about having followed.

Choosing will also give them exposure to the idea that you are there to go to bat for them and to defend their important life decisions. If they decide they want to and then found they wish they hadn’t, they will have experience of living with a decision that they made on limited information…and again, you’ll be there with them to get through it, not saying “Hey, it was your decision, get over it”, but rather “sometimes we think we want something and it works out badly, but we have family to help us get through that. It may take some time, but you will be OK. Regret happens, but it doesn’t sting forever.” You’ll be there to help them realize that an emotionally difficult time is not a catastrophe.
 
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

Without a doubt I know you will do what is right for your children.

Your family will be in my prayers.
 
triumphguy said:
My kids grandpa died of cancer last Thursday.

The cancer stripped him of every ounce of spare flesh and he died in pain.

I saw him a few minutes after he died and he looked shockingly “dead.” Not at all like the person he was.

His wife, their grandma, wants my kids to see him in his coffin on Tuesday evening at the funeral home and say goodbye.

I have a fourteen year old with down syndrome, a 12 year old girl who faints at the sight of blood and a sensitive 7 year old boy.

Now grandma loves the kids very much but she’s got it in her head that she wants them to say “goodbye.” Her sister, who is staying with her during this difficult time and who is a retired ER nurse, thinks it would be “good for them.”

The funeral proper is at the Church on Wednesday.

Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m too protective.

Advice or experience anyone?
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I’m so sorry for your loss.

I have always attended open casket funerals since I was a child. The only closed-casket funeral I went to was that of my ex husband, but there is a reason for that.

My children attended both my aunt and my grandmother’s open-casket funerals.

My aunt died of breast cancer and she looked pretty horrible at the end of her life, but we were shocked to see how great she looked at the funeral. So sometimes one looks better after being embalmed then when alive and sick.

I will keep you and your family in prayer.
 
Thanks TL.

Well as usual the kids were great.

My 7 year old wanted to go into the viewing chapel to see grandpa right away (I had visited him first and he looked better than in his last weeks).

He touched his hand and his head. He then went out and spent time with relatives, and came in later and then cried and sobbed, was comforted by many, left and spent the rest of the time running round and eating cookies in the foyer of the funeral home.

The 12 year old took quite a while - she was a bit like a cat cautiously coming up to a bowl of food. But she got there in her own time and had a cry.

My boy with Downs didn’t go up to the casket but but did see grandpa from a distance, and spent time introducing people to each other (his favourite activity).

So relief and good grieving all around.👍
 
It sounds as if you all handled it very well, and each of the kids felt free to handle each moment in his or her own way. I think you did a great job with a very difficult time. These are the things your children remember fondly about you, too, you know? You did good!
 
maltmom said:
God bless your family. Your children handled it very well.
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Thanks
EasterJoy said:
It sounds as if you all handled it very well, and each of the kids felt free to handle each moment in his or her own way. I think you did a great job with a very difficult time. These are the things your children remember fondly about you, too, you know? You did good!
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…and thanks.
 
Yep, the kids were great.

Today is the funeral.

Then I hope this doesn’t sound too selfish, but it will be a relief to get on with life (knowing that mourning will be continuing for quite a while).
 
triumphguy said:
Yep, the kids were great.

Today is the funeral.

Then I hope this doesn’t sound too selfish, but it will be a relief to get on with life (knowing that mourning will be continuing for quite a while).
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It sounds exactly how I felt after my parents died. It took a while to get used to the “new normal.”

You referred to the deceased as the kid’s grandfather, so I am guessing it was your wife’s father. If so, and if she was close to him, she might be walking around in a fog for a while. I know I was, after Mom died, and then again after Dad died. On some days, I wanted to just move on, on some, I was a basket case of sadness and mourning. 🤷 My poor husband didn’t know which person he would encounter when he arrived home from work.
 
maryjk said:
It sounds exactly how I felt after my parents died. It took a while to get used to the “new normal.”

You referred to the deceased as the kid’s grandfather, so I am guessing it was your wife’s father. If so, and if she was close to him, she might be walking around in a fog for a while. I know I was, after Mom died, and then again after Dad died. On some days, I wanted to just move on, on some, I was a basket case of sadness and mourning. 🤷 My poor husband didn’t know which person he would encounter when he arrived home from work.
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Yes Frank was my Father in Law, and he was a great guy.

Thanks for the heads-up.

I also want to say thanks for the great (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone - this forum is fantastic.
 
triumphguy said:
Yep, the kids were great.

Today is the funeral.

Then I hope this doesn’t sound too selfish, but it will be a relief to get on with life (knowing that mourning will be continuing for quite a while).
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Doesn’t sound selfish at all…

Perhaps the biggest thing to keep a look out for is your MIL. She’s been dealing with so much and soon things are going to calm down. That is the time when things will begin to hit her more…She’s alone more…Not much to do…things that have been occupying her for months/years are suddenly just … gone.
It’s a common scenario for people who have lost a spouse…

Just thought I’d mention it…

Peace
James
 
triumphguy said:
Yes Frank was my Father in Law, and he was a great guy.

Thanks for the heads-up.

I also want to say thanks for the great (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone - this forum is fantastic.
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I’ve been…away, but I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my prayers, and so will your family.

I think you handled the situation with grace. It sounds as though your children will all be just fine.

My father took my sister and me to view our mother’s body, which was both awful and good. The awful was realizing that she really was dead and wasn’t coming back. I think, at age 10, Daddy must have known that I did not truly understood that Mama was gone forever. Seeing her body in the casket was a shock but did give me the understanding. It was so obviously NOT my beloved Mama…

My sister had a much harder time, she was 13 and at a difficult stage. She actually tried to run out of the funeral home before the Rosary, she got upset that there were so many flowers and Mama couldn’t smell them any more…Our mother loved flowers so much…My sister was just angry and grieving and frustrated…

And yes, embalmers do an amazing job in most cases. It’s a fine art, really, and a very blessed profession if the person has the right sort of heart.
 
Well done on a well-thought-out and planned visit Triumphguy. Your kids are lucky to have someone doing the thinking stuff they have yet to learn about.
 
Hokomai said:
Well done on a well-thought-out and planned visit Triumphguy. Your kids are lucky to have someone doing the thinking stuff they have yet to learn about.
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Amen…

I loved the response of the little guy…The 7 year old…Just the sort of thing that I’ve seen time and again in small children.

The 12 year old too acted just as I have often seen…at that age they “know” the person and feel the loss more fully yet aren’t sure how to react…The fact that they are surrounded by a lot of other people - older people - each with their own reaction - eventually lets them know that whatever they are feeling is OK…crying is OK…sharing stories is OK…even laughing is OK…(at appropriate times of course…)

And the best part bout all of this is that, in future, there won’t be as much concern about how to handle the situation…👍

Peace
James
 
In most of the cases the funeral london homes are privately run, but there are Co-operative societies also in the UK. These co-operative societies arrange for everything, even they make the coffins also for supplying to many funeral london homes around the areas they get orders. The UK co-operative society even manufactures make 100,000 or more coffins per annum. But other than this co-operative society, UK has many independent funeral homes or funeral directors. All these funeral homes arrange the funerals according to the wishes of the family, if not already arranged by the individual or the family while the deceased was alive. The funeral homes duly discuss the entire funeral arrangement and proceed accordingly.
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