Young children/funeral home visit/open coffin

[DCNBILL]

The way we handled it with the Grandkids (10 & 12) when my father died recently was, we brought them to the funeral home and just let them mingle with family and friends. They watched others going up to the casket to say prayers and eventually they went up as well but no one forced them. My father did not look well at his death either but the funeral home did a great job in making him look like dear ole dad at the wake.

My condolences at your families loss.

Eternal rest grant unto him oh Lord.
And let perpetual light shine upon him.

May he rest in peace.
Amen.

May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Amen.

 

[triumphguy]

Thanks everyone.

I talked to my wife about this.

I’ll look at the body first, then talk with the kids and let them make up their own minds, and take their own time. I’ll let them choose.

I’m sure my 7 year old will want to see just out of curiosity (sensitive or not).

Not sure about my boy with downs. He has been acting out grandpa’s symptoms for the past few days while refusing to acknowledge that he has died. (So I know he is processing things in his own way).

 

[JRKH]

A very good point. Yes, it is probably not a good thing for our society that the process of dying is hidden away in institutions where we don’t have to deal with it.

Yes - I think that this was something of an advantage in my close (geographically) family…Funeral visitations were generally large affairs with many many people coming and they sort of turned into big “gab fests” where the family members would often lament that we only see each other “at weddings and funerals”…(which prompted some to start having yearly reunions)…

Even so, there is a real difference between being with the loved one at the moment of death (or shortly after death), and viewing a body which has been injected with formaldehyde, or whatever they use nowadays, to prevent decay. To me there is something creepy about the appearance of an embalmed body.

Understood. It never bothered me one way or the other. Each person is different.

A minor note, but I assume you didn’t mean it literally when you wrote “death was much more common”… it reminds me of a quote from C.S. Lewis: “100 per cent of us die, and the percentage cannot be increased”.

…Good catch there…Didn’t really express that very well did I……
What I meant was that in centuries past death among all ages was more common. Problems that are today thought of as minor issues were deadly killers as little as 75 years ago. And that doesn’t count some things that have been virtually eradicated today…

Peace
James

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

We lost two family members in two years to cancer.

My aunt and then my uncle. My kids had a close relationship with them.

The baby (at the time) and I were with my aunt when she passed. The baby didn’t really understand much. My two other children did not come to the wake.

They attempted to come to the funeral (they were 9 and 6 at the time) my 9 year old could not handle his grief and had to leave.

They did not come to the funeral for my uncle (it was a school day)

Explain to them what they are likely to see, and what happens at a wake. Let them decide. Even if they decide, “Yes” they might change their mind when they arrive at the funeral home.

Don’t force anything, let them decide what they are ready for.

 

[maryjk]

It’s your call, not anybody else’s.

I personally would pray hard about this. Being in a room full of grieving people can be traumatic for children, and there is also the issue that their last memory of GP will then be a memory of death.

I myself would never bring my children, if I had them, to a funeral. “Saying good bye” to someone who is already gone is IMNAAHO not worth it. But, again it is your call.

ICXC NIKA

Of course it is your call, triumphguy, but I agree with GEddie.

Both of my parents died last year. Neither had an open coffin. Neither wanted to be looked at after they were gone and we obliged them.

When someone is sick for a long time, you should get the chance to say good bye. So there should be no reason to have to do it after they have died.

You know your kids best. Even at 17, I would hesitate to have my son go to a “viewing.” Of course if he wanted to go, he could. But I couldn’t imagine that he would want to go.

 

[triumphguy]

The kids had been to see grandpa in his final week and they all kissed and hugged him, so I thought that would be their goodbye.

Some of this is cultural. I was at an El Salvadorean funeral where there was basically an all-night party in the church, an open coffin, and kids were drawing pictures for their grandpa and putting them into the coffin.

 

[JRKH]

The kids had been to see grandpa in his final week and they all kissed and hugged him, so I thought that would be their goodbye.

I find this interesting and a bit surprising given your opening post about how terrible he looked at the end. I guess I was under the impression that the children had not seen him in this condition.
If your children handled that experience with no problem I can’t think shy they would have any problem at the funeral home where their grandpa will look so much better…In fact, seeing their grandpa looking “at peace” and not in pain could be a really good thing.

Some of this is cultural. I was at an El Salvadorean funeral where there was basically an all-night party in the church, an open coffin, and kids were drawing pictures for their grandpa and putting them into the coffin.

Yes - these things are quite culturally varied.
SOP for my family (growing up) was a “visitation” the night before the funeral mass. This was always crowded with lots of “visiting” but not really a “party” atmosphere. Usually Father would come and hold a quick prayer service…
Then the next day was the funeral mass and trip to the cemetery and this was often followed by a gathering at somebody’s house who was close to the deceased. This often turned into more of a “party” with lots of chatter, remembering the loved one and so forth - and often some sort of soft drinks and maybe even a cold lunch spread…Of course as kid I never thought much about the whys or the who pays or any of that - they were just one more “family gathering”…But afterwards everybody seemed to feel better…

Peace
James

 

[Bezant]

My kids grandpa died of cancer last Thursday.

The cancer stripped him of every ounce of spare flesh and he died in pain.

I saw him a few minutes after he died and he looked shockingly “dead.” Not at all like the person he was.

His wife, their grandma, wants my kids to see him in his coffin on Tuesday evening at the funeral home and say goodbye.

I have a fourteen year old with down syndrome, a 12 year old girl who faints at the sight of blood and a sensitive 7 year old boy.

Now grandma loves the kids very much but she’s got it in her head that she wants them to say “goodbye.” Her sister, who is staying with her during this difficult time and who is a retired ER nurse, thinks it would be “good for them.”

The funeral proper is at the Church on Wednesday.

Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m too protective.

Advice or experience anyone?

My deepest sympathies and prayers to you and your family.

I think you’re asking the right questions because this is perhaps your children’s first significant loss in the family.

But they’re not easy questions to answer. I suppose it comes down to how much do they already understand about death, and how squeamish they are.

While I understand that it might give some people closure, for me–someone who finds these things extremely unsettling–it doesn’t. If your kids are that squeamish, they may very well find closure another way.

My advice – when they ask questions, answer them as straightforwardly and bluntly as possible. I wish my parents had done that – instead I got fanciful explanations like “Uncle so-and-so’s batteries ran out” or “he’s asleep,” and was horrified when I finally understood what death really was.

 

[NSFrame]

I think you should definitely go to the funeral home with the kids and explain to them that this is a way to honor their grandfather. When it comes to the actual up-close viewing and saying a prayer at the casket, you can suggest it as another way to honor him, but at the same time I would definitely not push it.

I don’t think being in a roomful of mourners is “traumatic” at all. I have never been to a wake where there were dramatic emotional outbursts, but even if one happened, kids can understand that someone is sad because of their grampa’s death.

 

[EasterJoy]

When we go through life, I think do the best in coping with decisions we later regret if we were allowed to make the decision ourselves. It is hard, OTOH, to get over a feeling of having been made powerless or made to feel incompetent to choose at a difficult time or concerning a difficult subject. We have a better ground from which to second-guess, and, let’s face it, the decision-maker we forgive the most easily is ourself. I would explain the situation to your children and let them choose one of three options: to look, to not look, or to choose to let you decide for them.

"Grandpa has died, and so his soul has left his body until the Resurrection on the Last Day. His soul is with God, waiting for that day. When he rises again**, he won’t be in pain like when he died. He’ll be like Jesus, who died in pain but then rose again in a body that was full of peace and joy. For this reason, we are going to treat Grandpa’s body with very special respect, even when it is in the coffin and we can’t see it.

Some people, though, like to see a person’s body after that person dies and before the body is buried, because it helps them to get through the death. Otherwise, they feel as if the person just disappeared. Other people, though, do not like to look at the body of someone they love who has died, because they have a memory of the person alive and that is all they want. Everybody is different.

If you would like to look at his body before he is buried, that is your choice. Many people will be doing it, and many will choose not to. It is not disrespectful to look and it is not disrespectful to choose not to look. It is not even disrespectful to just wonder what someone’s body might look like after they are dead. This is something that Grandma is making available for those who feel it might help them say “goodbye” to Grandpa and to just face up to the fact that death happens and that Grandpa really did die. Sometimes the people who work at the funeral home can make a person’s body look as if the person were alive and well and just sleeping. Grandpa’s body will look like he’s sleeping, but his body will also still look as if he had cancer. You need to know that, too, when you make your decision. Even so, both Grandma and Aunt Sally both believe that this really does help a lot of people, and that it might even help you. Grandma would never ever allow this if she didn’t think it was usually a good thing.

You may look or you may choose not to. I wish I could tell you what you think you will have wanted to do after you make your choice, but I can only make a good guess at that, because everyone is so different. I think it is fine if you want to look at Grandpa’s body, but I also think it is fine if you don’t want to look. I won’t force you and I won’t let anyone else try to make you, either. I will let you choose to see his body even though you are not grown up yet because this is your only chance, and I think you are old enough that I should not take that away from you if you want it. I would never force anyone of any age to look at the body of someone they love if they don’t want to, though, but especially not a young person.

You can choose to look, you can choose not to look, or you can choose to let me decide for you. What I don’t want you to do is worry that you’ll make the wrong choice. If you choose and decide later that you made the wrong choice, people who feel that way do get over it, as long as it was their choice and no one forced them to look or else wouldn’t let them. That is why I’m leaving this entirely up to you. I believe you can be fine with whatever you decide, if I let you decide. You can wait until the viewing to decide, and you don’t need to explain your reasons to anyone. OK? If you have any questions or you want me to look first and then answer questions about what he looks like before you decide, or if you want me to make the decision for you, I can also do that for you. I want to be there for you and help you in any way I can. How does that sound? If you have any questions at all, you can talk to me about it.

Unless you need to shield them from a particular toxic situation that will be at this funeral or unless you have reason to believe they themselves will be a disruption, I wouldn’t shield your children from going to a funeral. It is a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead, and those who are able ought to participate. We decide to view or not view the body with an eye on how to make our own grieving process go better, but we go to funerals and visit hospitals for the sake of others, not for ourselves.

You could allow them to stay home from the rosary, though. A rosary and a funeral together can be a lot, and you know their limits.

**This is not the day to bring up the Last Judgement or the prospect of rising again and having a bad outcome or the fact that we can’t judge what God’s decisions are going to be. That is a good thing to bring up during Lent, a long time after they’ve had a chance to let this death get off of the center stage of their minds. If they get off on that tangent, say, "When we bury a member of the Church, it is a day for hope, not a day for fear. We ought to be careful how we live our lives, but every Christian ought to all go to the grave in hope and to see death through hopeful eyes. Jesus died to accomplish the salvation of mankind, and God accomplishes what God sets out to do. That is why we so often sing “Alleluias” at funerals. Because of Jesus, we don’t fear death. We don’t like having to say goodbye, but we know he has taken away the reason to fear. There is no sin that God cannot forgive, no person God cannot redeem, so we while we hate sin, we don’t fear that God will ever abandon us. So let’s live to please God, and not live in worry.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you should definitely go to the funeral home with the kids and explain to them that this is a way to honor their grandfather. When it comes to the actual up-close viewing and saying a prayer at the casket, you can suggest it as another way to honor him, but at the same time I would definitely not push it.

I don’t think being in a roomful of mourners is “traumatic” at all. I have never been to a wake where there were dramatic emotional outbursts, but even if one happened, kids can understand that someone is sad because of their grampa’s death.

Our gradeschool choir sang at parish funerals thoroughout my childhood. I’ve been to dozens and dozens of them. My children have been to many funerals from a young age, they have altar served at funerals since they were 11, and I think it has been very good for them. I think because I’ve been to many funerals over my lifetime, there is something comforting about the familiarity of it all. There is so much comfort in being a part of a group, facing it together. I think it is much worse for people who have been shielded from death. Some day, after all, death will stare you in the eye. Because we are Christian, it is far better to have made the acquaintance in places where everyone’s behavior teaches you that death has been defeated. Going to funerals might be nothing but depressing, otherwise, but as it is, going to a Christian funeral is a lesson in hope.

PS I have done cadaver dissection, I am not squeamish, but I never view the dead body of a loved one any more. I had the experience of viewing someone’s body after they died and having that picture in my mind displace a picture of them alive and well, and I’ve never wanted to do it again. IOW, I’m one of those people who don’t find it helpful.

 

[SMHW]

I don’t think being in a roomful of mourners is “traumatic” at all. I have never been to a wake where there were dramatic emotional outbursts, but even if one happened, kids can understand that someone is sad because of their grampa’s death.

I don’t come from a family where dramatic emotional outbursts are common under any circumstances. When my mother died four years ago we were sad but there was nothing much more than tears and choked voices. If anything there were a lot of stony faces because we knew Mom was actively dying and we experienced a kind of detached exhaustion after she finally passed on. I realize that in some families and/or cultures emotional outbursts might be *expected *as a sign of respect and love for the deceased. But that was never my experience.

I could see that someone who has the kind of family where wild emotions are the norm would be more likely to want to keep his children away.

 

[EasterJoy]

I could see that someone who has the kind of family where wild emotions are the norm would be more likely to want to keep his children away.

OTOH, you’re in the family you’re in for a lifetime. If wild expressions of emotion are the norm, they’ve probably seen someone “lose it” (or “give themselves over to it”, depending on your point of view) outside the context of a funeral. At any rate, if they see strong external expressions of emotion at Grandpa’s and Grandma’s funerals, it won’t be such a surprise when they see it at Mom’s or Dad’s.

Still, if a child does not cope well when Aunt Franny starts bawling and carrying on and Aunt Fred tells her to pipe down and then there is a tearful argument that everyone in the room would rather they could miss, then yes, parents might want to shield their children from things like that. Most adults in the family might secretly wish they could join them.

 

[barb_finnegan]

I had a few relatives pass away when I was a kid (maternal grandparents, cousin, uncle), but I never went to either their wakes or their funeral Masses.

I guess it was due to the fact that I couldn’t bear to see my mother cry. I remember when one of my cousins died in a car accident while he was in the Air Force in California. When we got the news, my mother was in tears (she was very close to his mother, her sister).

I didn’t go to the wake or to the Mass because they were often on weekdays. When my above-mentioned cousin died, my twin sister and I went to a next-door neighbor’s house to await the bus to go to school.

I think my parents left it to me if I wanted to go or not. They never ‘forced’ me.

In fact, I never went to a wake until I was in my late teens. The first one I did go to was for the mother of a neighbor who lived across the street. I was in business school at the time and I went with my mother to the funeral home after she picked me and my sister up when classes were over with. I remember walking into the room where the casket was, and then standing stock still for a moment. My mother then gently took me by the elbow and led me over to the family to pay our respects.

My first funeral Mass was a few years later ( my mid-twenties), for a coworker who died in a car accident with her boyfriend. I took some time off with other people from our bank department to attend the Mass. It was terribly sad, of course, seeing the grief of her family and close friends. But somehow, we got through it.

But as far as bringing young children to a wake / funeral, it should be up to the parents whether they go or not. Every child is different-they shouldn’t be forced if it’s going to upset them.

As some other people have said here, ‘It’s their call’.

 

[SMHW]

OTOH, you’re in the family you’re in for a lifetime. If wild expressions of emotion are the norm, they’ve probably seen someone “lose it” (or “give themselves over to it”, depending on your point of view) outside the context of a funeral. At any rate, if they see strong external expressions of emotion at Grandpa’s and Grandma’s funerals, it won’t be such a surprise when they see it at Mom’s or Dad’s.

Still, if a child does not cope well when Aunt Franny starts bawling and carrying on and Aunt Fred tells her to pipe down and then there is a tearful argument that everyone in the room would rather they could miss, then yes, parents might want to shield their children from things like that. Most adults in the family might secretly wish they could join them.

In any case, if wild emotions would cause a parent to keep a child away from a wake or funeral it would not so much be the presence of the deceased that is the issue but rather the presence of the living.

 

[EasterJoy]

In any case, if wild emotions would cause a parent to keep a child away from a wake or funeral it would not so much be the presence of the deceased that is the issue but rather the presence of the living.

Isn’t that the truth? Still, we can know that the presence of a dead loved one is a precipitating factor for family drama in the bad sense of the word. That’s something that children may not have the inner resources to cope with, and parents who shield them from it are doing their children a favor.

 

[triumphguy]

I find this interesting and a bit surprising given your opening post about how terrible he looked at the end. I guess I was under the impression that the children had not seen him in this condition.
If your children handled that experience with no problem I can’t think shy they would have any problem at the funeral home where their grandpa will look so much better…In fact, seeing their grandpa looking “at peace” and not in pain could be a really good thing.

Yes - these things are quite culturally varied.
SOP for my family (growing up) was a “visitation” the night before the funeral mass. This was always crowded with lots of “visiting” but not really a “party” atmosphere. Usually Father would come and hold a quick prayer service…
Then the next day was the funeral mass and trip to the cemetery and this was often followed by a gathering at somebody’s house who was close to the deceased. This often turned into more of a “party” with lots of chatter, remembering the loved one and so forth - and often some sort of soft drinks and maybe even a cold lunch spread…Of course as kid I never thought much about the whys or the who pays or any of that - they were just one more “family gathering”…But afterwards everybody seemed to feel better…

Peace
James

The difference over the last few days was horrible to watch.

One thing I’ve seen in quite a few posts is that the deceased often looks “better” than in their final agony, So I’ll play it by ear.

 

[maryjk]

Our gradeschool choir sang at parish funerals thoroughout my childhood. I’ve been to dozens and dozens of them. My children have been to many funerals from a young age, they have altar served at funerals since they were 11, and I think it has been very good for them. I think because I’ve been to many funerals over my lifetime, there is something comforting about the familiarity of it all. There is so much comfort in being a part of a group, facing it together. I think it is much worse for people who have been shielded from death. Some day, after all, death will stare you in the eye. Because we are Christian, it is far better to have made the acquaintance in places where everyone’s behavior teaches you that death has been defeated. Going to funerals might be nothing but depressing, otherwise, but as it is, going to a Christian funeral is a lesson in hope.
.

I think there is a big difference between singing at a funeral of someone you don’t know and going to a Viewing of a loved one.

If fact, attending a funeral of someone you don’t know, and being an altar server or singing at the funeral is a good way to expose a child to death without adding the personal feelings toward the deceased.

 

[skigirl1689]

My first wake was when I was 8 years old and my grandpa (whom I was closest to of all my grandparents) died very unexpectedly; when my dad got the phone call I thought it was grandma as she suffered 5 brain aneurysms 8 years prior so it was a total shock for everyone.

My parents had to bring us as the funeral was out of town and everyone who could have watched us were attending the wake. I did not do well at all when my parents brought me up to his casket; I completely lost it. Since then I usually don’t go up to the casket right away, but usually can handle it as time at the funeral home passes. But being exposed to the funeral process at an early life prepared me for the losses of two uncles before I turned 20 and an aunt and uncle in the past year. I know friends my age (early 20s) who have never attended a wake or funeral and have a fear of doing so.

So my advice is to take the kids, don’t bring them up right away, but let them observe. And I totally agree with EasterJoy that explaining the faith aspects of death; it makes it less scary.

Oh and be prepared for unexpected questions. My cousin who was 7 asked “When is Grandpa going to wake up?” even after explaining he was gone. My sister who was 2 asked my dad “When’s Grandpa gonna get out of his box?”

 

[JRKH]

… I had the experience of viewing someone’s body after they died and having that picture in my mind displace a picture of them alive and well, and I’ve never wanted to do it again. IOW, I’m one of those people who don’t find it helpful.

See I’m the opposite…I actually have to consciously recall the person in the casket. My memories are always of from their life, never from their death.
I guess we are all different in that regard…

Peace
James