Young man relationship advice

[SebastianOc]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here but I’ve been reading CA for years. I’m 21 years old and a Sophomore in college, I’m a Physics major and thoroughly enjoy it. A little background about myself so maybe it’ll help with the question. Ever since confirmation classes I’ve been deepening in my faith through youth group and other groups of prayer and life reflection now in college. My life in the faith is growing and I’ve been blessed lately with a very good community of believers in my campus! Small and humble but tight.

My question is regarding a woman I’ve met and wether or not to enter a relationship with her. It’s very long distance, 2500 miles away. We’re both Catholic and deepening our faith.

I’ve known this woman for two years and we have grown close to each other through our conversations on the internet. All along this time we have grown in the faith partly due to our friendship. We’ve always practiced chastity and purity in all our conversations, I respect and admire her as a good woman. I consider she could be a good choice for marriage and she considers marriage with me as good too. The problems are the following:

1. We are far away, I live in Colombia, SA. She lives in DE.
2. Some people believe it’s best to wait until we’re out of college to commit, but our hearts are very close and wish to commit.
3. Her mom thinks I am not a good influence on her daughter:
   Her reason is because I’ve talked to her about modesty, and thus she has decided to not wear certain “normal” things like tank tops and bikinis. Another reason she has, which I consider might be a good reason, is that we are far from marriage. Yet her reaction towards our friendship is very hostile. Sometimes breaking into anger. Wether or not we try to help each other out on our road to heaven is almost weightless in her consideration of our relationship.

I don’t want to have a bad relationship with her mother and I’m willing to wait to commit with her daughter for the sake of her well being. My friend’s and I conversations consist mostly on talking about the faith, each other’s days and lives in general, some scripture reading and praying together.

For context on her background, she is trying to live the faith but feels very lonely due to the lack of support in it, especially regarding modesty and purity. Her family is catholic, they practice they faith to varying degrees but obviously have very different opinions regarding chastity and do not support her. Many times they’ve mocked her modest choices and she’s been hurt by this as well. (Not puritanical, just dresses to the knee and looser clothing). Such lack of support and constant criticism has caused her to feel lonely and has made her give in to complacency at times, which troubles me, but I’m always hopeful!

I’m practically her only support to live the faith, even though I’ve told her the importance of community life she has not been able to find a group yet.

Thank you in advance for anyone who might wish to give me some advice into whether or not pursuing a relationship with this woman…I deeply appreciate it. I know my style here has been very dry but it’s simply to have all facts there, with some opinions, clearly stated.
God be with you! Please pray for the gift of counsel that we may know what to do!

 

[theCrow]

Question 1: Do you both love each other?
Question 2: Would one of you be willing to move 2500 miles away to be with the other?

If you answered yes to both questions, definitely go for it.

Otherwise, find someone closer.

 

[McCartney]

Not sure if I would trust an internet relationship. It may all seem rosy until you meet.

 

[SebastianOc]

I do answer yes to both questions! I just don’t want to be trouble for her family. And well even through the internet we’ve gotten to know the stuff that we know need work. As in, we are not idealizing each other.

Her mom wants her to date another guy, but we are already close in our hearts, so she won’t do it. And that’s one of the reasons her mom is mad right now…She says it’s selfish of me, but I’ve never stopped her, it’s simply we are too close to date someone else in our hearts. Are we wrong?

 

[Patavium]

For this friendship to become a courtship, you both need to meet offline. In other words, one of you needs to travel and meet the other in person. This should help make the decision whether to be in a relationship or not. Also, if both of you disagree with meeting offline then call it quits as this shows lack of interest in becoming husband and wife.

 

[Xantippe]

For this friendship to become a courtship, you both need to meet offline. In other words, one of you needs to travel and meet the other in person. This should help make the decision whether to be in a relationship or not. Also, if both of you disagree with meeting offline then call it quits as this shows lack of interest in becoming husband and wife.

Yes. The clock doesn’t start on having a relationship until you meet in person.

Could she do graduate work in the US or a gig as an au pair? (I realize that your specialization is not super portable, hence it would probably be more disruptive for you to go there, but if that’s feasible, go.)

Get yourselves onto the same continent, at least.

 

[Xantippe]

I do answer yes to both questions! I just don’t want to be trouble for her family. And well even through the internet we’ve gotten to know the stuff that we know need work. As in, we are not idealizing each other.

Nope. Until you are actually living in the same city (not just staying in the same city), you won’t really know much. It takes a while to figure out the other person’s personal habits and what they will mean for your quality of life if you marry. Right now, no matter how much you know, it’s 25-50% of what you’ll know about her after 15 years of marriage.

Her mom wants her to date another guy, but we are already close in our hearts, so she won’t do it. And that’s one of the reasons her mom is mad right now…She says it’s selfish of me, but I’ve never stopped her, it’s simply we are too close to date someone else in our hearts. Are we wrong?

It’s going to be hard for her mom to like you when you’re that guy on the internet who tells her daughter what to wear (that’s a red flag for abuse, by the way) and is the obstacle that keeps her from dating real life guys.

Her mom may feel much more warmly about you when she sees you in real life and realizes 1) hey, it’s a real person! 2) he’s not a 50-year-old pervert! 3) he’s smart! 4) he’s going to have a real job! 5) he’s serious about daughter! 6) he’s American! Etc.

Nobody in their right mind is positive about their daughter’s internet boyfriend, so a certain amount of mild suspicion is just to be expected.

 

[Estevao]

She sounds like a good catch bro, you need to reassure her that her suffering for her faith is, despite out worldly expectations, the most amazing gift, to be able to draw closer to Christ via deed and not just word. See Phillipians by St. Paul.

And the fact that her mother doesn’t like you will make her like you and want to fight for your relationship. A lot of guys think that it’s a good thing when the mother likes her daughter’s date, but it’s really the other way around. This is why there’s that stereotype about husbands and mother-in-laws not getting along, because this dynamic between a spiteful mother telling her daughter to ditch him creates a certain attractive bad-boy persona in the man that the woman will find very attractive, and will also allow for her to fight for your love and make you two closer.

 

[Xantippe]

She sounds like a good catch bro, you need to reassure her that her suffering for her faith is, despite out worldly expectations, the most amazing gift, to be able to draw closer to Christ via deed and not just word. See Phillipians by St. Paul.

And the fact that her mother doesn’t like you will make her like you and want to fight for your relationship. A lot of guys think that it’s a good thing when the mother likes her daughter’s date, but it’s really the other way around. This is why there’s that stereotype about husbands and mother-in-laws not getting along, because this dynamic between a spiteful mother telling her daughter to ditch him creates a certain attractive bad-boy persona in the man that the woman will find very attractive, and will also allow for her to fight for your love and make you two closer.

Eh, the need to manufacture that sort of situation (Romeo and Juliette against the world!) is a possible sign of immaturity on her part

Beware of women who always seem to be in a fight with somebody–eventually it’s going to be you.

 

[SebastianOc]

Thank you for your adivice. Indeed her mom sees that I am obstacle to dating in person.
The thing is that we are close to each other in our hearts so we simply won’t date others, yet I have the blame of not allowing it. In order to “allow it” I guess I would have to talk a lot less to her in hopes of it all fading, but that doesn’t sound right.

I agree with meeting in person first. And thank you for telling me to read Phillipians, it was good! I’ll tell her to read it.
So the good way to go would be to meet first…and hope that her mother sees I’m not a bad influence?

Oh by the way, yes I see how talking about modesty and thus her changing her way of dressing could seem like a red flag. But I think it’s more of a growth in the faith. Nothing was ever forced.
For the record I do have my doubts, lately she’s been having problems in trusting the Truth of the Church…but I’m helping her and hopefully it’ll get better. Though it really makes me worry about stability in the marriage. That her faith might not be strong, that seems like a red flag to me. Also not long ago she became super complacent regarding purity and thought in a way that was like absolutely unlike I had known her, this was due to the constant attacks at living the faith by family opposition and seeing everyone else doesn’t care. I don’t know if they’re normal crosses or what? Red flags or normal failings of people?

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you for your adivice. Indeed her mom sees that I am obstacle to dating in person.
The thing is that we are close to each other in our hearts so we simply won’t date others, yet I have the blame of not allowing it. In order to “allow it” I guess I would have to talk a lot less to her in hopes of it all fading, but that doesn’t sound right.

I agree with meeting in person first. And thank you for telling me to read Phillipians, it was good! I’ll tell her to read it.
So the good way to go would be to meet first…and hope that her mother sees I’m not a bad influence?

If she’s old enough for you to date, it doesn’t matter what her mother thinks.

Oh by the way, yes I see how talking about modesty and thus her changing her way of dressing could seem like a red flag. But I think it’s more of a growth in the faith. Nothing was ever forced.
For the record I do have my doubts, lately she’s been having problems in trusting the Truth of the Church…but I’m helping her and hopefully it’ll get better. Though it really makes me worry about stability in the marriage. That her faith might not be strong, that seems like a red flag to me. Also not long ago she became super complacent regarding purity and thought in a way that was like absolutely unlike I had known her, this was due to the constant attacks at living the faith by family opposition and seeing everyone else doesn’t care. I don’t know if they’re normal crosses or what? Red flags or normal failings of people?

Being within a two hour drive will clarify things.

 

[Xantippe]

Too much drama?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Have you heard of the show ‘Catfish’?

You’re lucky. If I found out that any of my children started changing themselves because of the preferences of someone they met on the internet, I would no longer have internet in my house and I would drop my child’s cellphone.

 

[SebastianOc]

Maybe Xantippe. And no we always video chat. I understand what you’re saying BlueEyedLady.

Well thank you all for your prayers and help!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Eh, the need to manufacture that sort of situation (Romeo and Juliette against the world!) is a possible sign of immaturity on her part

Beware of women who always seem to be in a fight with somebody–eventually it’s going to be you.

When I was 16 and my mom officially let me date, I met a complete loser who treated me like ****. The thing I loved most about him was my parents’ opposition. Really, that was the only thing I liked. He didn’t have a lot to say, he was 17 and worked a boring, menial job, I had a college-level vocabulary and a love of current events and he liked KORN, you get the idea. (He was a high school dropout. He didn’t feel like he should have to take “their” %$&!).

By the time I was 22, I couldn’t imagine bringing home a guy my mom wouldn’t like. My mom is a smart woman who always wants the best for me. If she wouldn’t like him, there was a problem. And by the time I married, I was so grateful to have found someone who treats my mom with love and respect, and who my mom thinks is as amazing as I do. Seriously, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, everything is so much fun in my family because we all get along, laugh, and support each other.

People grow up and mature.

 

[CatholicGuy31]

…and hope that her mother sees I’m not a bad influence?

Maybe I have missed something here but in reading your original post and the one after, it seems to me that “you” are not the bad influence here. Certainly not according to the Catholic standards I was taught.

Many times they’ve mocked her modest choices and she’s been hurt by this as well.

I truly, honestly cannot understand how a family that calls itself “Catholic” could ever do this. This is the first time I am even hearing of such a thing.

For the record I do have my doubts, lately she’s been having problems in trusting the Truth of the Church…but I’m helping her and hopefully it’ll get better. Though it really makes me worry about stability in the marriage.

Regarding this important issue, the teaching on Catholic courtship will probably ask the following questions:

1. “Do you make her want to grow in her faith?”
   AND
2. “Does she make you want to grow in yours?”

While these are fundamental questions, I think when applied to real life they sometimes need a little rephrasing because it rarely works out like this. One person always helps the other one more. In your case it looks like you are doing most (if not all) the work. So maybe ask yourself this question instead:
“Is she making you a stronger Catholic by letting you do this extra work?”
You never know, the time may come when you have helped her enough that she starts to return the favour. You are both at a young age (I assume there is only a few years age difference) and there is a lot of time for change.

“Trusting the Truth of the Church” is I think, very difficult without family encouragement or at the very least a Church group. Both of which seem obviously lacking in her case. Give her time on this but make sure she is taking the right steps.
One final word of advice is to be careful that you are not being lead astray in any way. Because while you are right to help her, there is also effort needed on her part to make the necessary changes in her life. This of course takes time but there must be at least a slight indication that this is constantly taking place.

Also, I have to agree with planning to meet her sooner than later. There is so much about a person that can be missed through internet or even telephone communication.

Thank you for the post.
GOD Bless and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[CatholicGuy31]

Her mom wants her to date another guy, but we are already close in our hearts, so she won’t do it. And that’s one of the reasons her mom is mad right now…She says it’s selfish of me, but I’ve never stopped her, it’s simply we are too close to date someone else in our hearts. Are we wrong?

(I missed this before hence the repost)

I think all her mother’s concerns about you being the “bad influence” might be that you are still just a face on the internet. She possibly has the feeling that you are not serious about this relationship since you haven’t met the family in person even after two years. I think all the things you are worried about will become much clearer the first time you meet her in person.