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atman
Guest
Hello! As a sixteen-year old couple, what would be good, chaste physical boundaries? Thanks and peace!
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MaryJMagdalene
Guest
Use condoms!
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erigby27
Guest
First, ignore trolls!
Second, please read this (it’s very helpful):
reapteam.org/if-not-sex-what-can-i-do
Second, please read this (it’s very helpful):
reapteam.org/if-not-sex-what-can-i-do
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chain
Guest
I guess I will bite as a troll.
As 16 year old, romantic relationships will be an uphill battle. Our cultural view of dating is somewhat at odds with our Church’s teachings. The cultural view tends to be physically oriented - focused on fun rather than the spiritual. Plus being 16 is just hard.
The Catholic viewpoint should be focused on finding a spiritual partner, a person to share the vocation of married life (and family). Having a fun physical relationship really does not play into the equation. Those fun physical relationship rarely look deeply at issues like how this person will help me be a saint, or how they will help our children grow in the love of Christ. They look at fun, and are discarded for a new model with they grow tiresome.
My suggestion is simply to grow in faith with this brother (or sister) in Christ. You can have an understanding that you are in a special relationship, but bear in mind that if your friend wants the relationship to become physical you might need to let go.
As for love - I heard/read a good saying a few weeks ago. Ultimately you should search for a spouse who is so in love with Christ, that the only way to their heart is through their seeing Christ within you.
So back to the suggestion, grow in faith so you can see and love the Christ within each other.
As 16 year old, romantic relationships will be an uphill battle. Our cultural view of dating is somewhat at odds with our Church’s teachings. The cultural view tends to be physically oriented - focused on fun rather than the spiritual. Plus being 16 is just hard.
The Catholic viewpoint should be focused on finding a spiritual partner, a person to share the vocation of married life (and family). Having a fun physical relationship really does not play into the equation. Those fun physical relationship rarely look deeply at issues like how this person will help me be a saint, or how they will help our children grow in the love of Christ. They look at fun, and are discarded for a new model with they grow tiresome.
My suggestion is simply to grow in faith with this brother (or sister) in Christ. You can have an understanding that you are in a special relationship, but bear in mind that if your friend wants the relationship to become physical you might need to let go.
As for love - I heard/read a good saying a few weeks ago. Ultimately you should search for a spouse who is so in love with Christ, that the only way to their heart is through their seeing Christ within you.
So back to the suggestion, grow in faith so you can see and love the Christ within each other.
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MissMichal
Guest
My suggestion (the suggestion I intend to plant in my son’s head) is not to do anything with your date that you wouldn’t do with your sister. You can act affectionately toward each other, hold hands, hug, maybe a quick peck, but that’s the extent of it. Taking it further than that is really unnecessary and will get in the way of getting to know each other as people, instead of as sexual playthings.
Trust me here, I learned from experience.
Pax,
-S-
Trust me here, I learned from experience.
Pax,
-S-
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AdriannaJean
Guest
Here are the boundaries:
If it causes arousal, don’t do it. If it doesn’t then you’re fine.
For some people kissing causes lust, if it does for you then don’t kiss. If you can kiss without lust then go for it!
Anything involving touching (breasts or any other private part) stay away from. If you wouldn’t do it infront of your family then don’t do it in private!
I know that you’re probably thinking “what kind of prude is this???” but I have learned all that from personal experience. It is impossible to have a chaste relationship if there are any lustful actions in it. And, having made many mistakes myself, I know the only way to avoid lustful actions are to avoid lust itself.
God Bless!
If it causes arousal, don’t do it. If it doesn’t then you’re fine.
For some people kissing causes lust, if it does for you then don’t kiss. If you can kiss without lust then go for it!
Anything involving touching (breasts or any other private part) stay away from. If you wouldn’t do it infront of your family then don’t do it in private!
I know that you’re probably thinking “what kind of prude is this???” but I have learned all that from personal experience. It is impossible to have a chaste relationship if there are any lustful actions in it. And, having made many mistakes myself, I know the only way to avoid lustful actions are to avoid lust itself.
God Bless!
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atman
Guest
Do not worry, I do not think you are a prude! Thanks for your advice.
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rpp
Guest
I second this.
Not just what I put in bold, but the whole post. Well said.I will add that this is not prudish. Being chaste has nothing to do with being a prude. Prudishness tells us that sex is “dirty”. Sex is not dirty, but, like all things, there is a time and a place.
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Zahmir
Guest
I would also recommend this little bit, especially if you are just starting down the whole dating path.
I am 22 years old and recently married. Although it is difficult to say for sure what is “forbidden” and what is “allowed,” the goal is certainly to avoid lusting after your significant other. I think the best form of advice comes as questions: Can you enjoy each other’s company apart from physical intimacy? Are you constantly finding ways to spend time alone? Are you comfortable in public and around family? What do you love most about your significant other?
The answers to these questions will help you to understand where you are at in your relationship. Undoubtedly, as you spend more time together, you will grow closer together and understand each other better. What was at one time possibly lustful activity will become a very beautiful way of expressing love. Just don’t rush it. The whole point is that you two are growing closer to each other. You have a whole lifetime.
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atman
Guest
Thank you for your advice! But I am sort of confused… Should there be no special touching or other physical signs of our love? I never thought an act like holding hands was a sign of lust. Right now we have decided to give p most forms of physical contact except for brief loose hugs, kisses on the cheek, and holding hands. Are these really too physical?
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rpp
Guest
Making a spiritual connection with someone who may be your souse does not preclude certain reasonable physical contact. But as others have posted, if it arouses you or the the lady sexually or if it is something you would not do in front of your family, you should refrain from it.
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erigby27
Guest
If you take some time to read this article from Reap team reapteam.org/if-not-sex-what-can-i-do , you’ll find that it is entirely appropriate to move beyond cheek kisses and brief hugs as long as a strong intellectual and emotional base is there.
This makes it pretty clear:
Take a look to explore that website, as well as chastity.com. The latter website is a bit more conservative, but is part of Catholic Answers.
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Et_Cetera
Guest
Just be safe.
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atman
Guest
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erigby27
Guest
God bless the two of you. You are both so lucky to have someone so eager to respect and honor you at such a young age. You obviously have very strong communication.We love chastity.com!
I have a similar predicament as yours with my bf. He isn’t Catholic, though he is Christian. It’s hard for me to explain Theology of the Body stuff to him. Our communication isn’t as good as yours, but I see that he wants to understand and does care about me, so he’ll go along with it even if he doesn’t understand entirely for now (of course I hope I can find a way to help him understand at some point).
Right now I keep it to hand holding, hugging, casual cuddling (not too intense) and mostly closed mouth kisses and cheek kisses. Innocent back rubs and foot rubs are fine for us. When we go over to one another’s houses, I make sure we spend plenty of time chatting with his or my family. Lately I have also been making sure that I’m not there for more than 2 hours- that’s enough time to get through a short movie. I also try to make sure we hang out in public with other friends often so that we don’t just end up alone unplanned.
Also, I make sure my life is busy with things outside of my relationship with him. Housework, my job, my hobbies, and my other friends all fill up my days as well. It’s important to have a life outside of him, though I do care about him.
Since I’ve made this commitment to purify our relationship, I’ve found that we’ve really grown in communication, and that I’m not afraid to be alone with him (before I was, only because I couldn’t trust myself). I am now confident that our relationship is based on a bond that is not physical, and we can show our appreciation for that bond with innocent signs of affection.
My big regret is that we don’t attend Mass together
. I have brought him once and could tell he wasn’t that comfortable.Pax vobiscum!
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NoWhereMan
Guest
No, what You described is not too physical. Keep it that way if You can,if you become sexually active & conceive a child, that could change your world from a carefree teen to a responsible dad or mom at an awfully young age, this is something That You don`t need at this time in your life. babies require a lot of attention& at your young age, it wouldnt be easy for you or her
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cheeto1
Guest
I like this one better than the one which said, “if you feel like kissing, and you don’t
think it’s lustful, then go for it!” Naturally, you don’t know what you think is lustful,
or you wouldn’t have asked the question, “what are the physical boundaries?” And how do you know something causes arousal, until you are aroused? Then it is too late.
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Catholic_89
Guest
Hello Atman,
Here is some advice. I started dating my girlfriend at 16 and I just turned 20. We have been going out for 3.5 wonderful years. Chastity has been vital in our relationship and we have maintained it throughout. Two cautions need to be given.
Here is some advice. I started dating my girlfriend at 16 and I just turned 20. We have been going out for 3.5 wonderful years. Chastity has been vital in our relationship and we have maintained it throughout. Two cautions need to be given.
- The set of rules described before, with holding hands, some light kissing, and hugging is a good suggestion. Stopping once you are aroused is not. You want to learn about this young lady and who she is in a non physical way, so this doesn’t require more than a peck on the cheek. Asking how far is too far is not the right question. Rather, what rules am I sure will guarentee chastity, and some kissing and the the ones mentioned sound good.
- I know I hated people saying this, but I have to, you are very young (nevermind I am very young too) I suppose you have a lot of years to go before you are able to get married. If you continue dating this young lady, it will become more difficult over time to maintain chastity, especially if you keep on pushing the limits. Imagine dating for a long time, having a genuine deep love for that person, ready as a person for marriage, but all you can do is kiss. You will feel like a kiss will not be enough to show your love for them, and this can be frustrating. That is the reality of dating young. A long chaste relationship is very rewarding, especially knowing you are being chaste, but it can be difficult as time goes by.
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atman
Guest
Thanks so much for all that you guys have written! It gives us hope and comfort knowing what you have said. I notice a lot of what you are suggesting is improving our spiritual relationship. Outside of going to Mass together (we would both really love that but it just does not look feasible), what would you suggest to improve this? We pray for our chastity each night, as well as just for each other. Any other ideas you have? Thanks so much.
-Leo
:hug1:
-Leo
:hug1:
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phoenix3212
Guest
As a 15-year-old guy, my advice to you is not to do anything that you’d not want another person to do with your future spouse.
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