Young single Catholics

[oldfashcathgirl]

What are three things you hope for in your future mate and are those the same things you are working on in yourself?

I figured there has to be more people looking here for this title in a post
Change the topic if you want!

 

[pollynova]

I don’t have a list of requirements. I don’t even know if marriage is right for me. But I don’t want to miss out one someone because they don’t live up to some arbitrary checklist.

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

I don’t have a list of requirements. I don’t even know if marriage is right for me. But I don’t want to miss out one someone because they don’t live up to some arbitrary checklist.

Sorry, I didn’t specify… I know some people say “brown eyes, 6’2, wears jeans” LOL
I didn’t mean that at all
mine are: Generous, Compassionate, Bold
I am working on all of these for myself and also asking God to guide me to be what is best for my spouse.

 

[claudegris]

Loving, Caring and with a great desire to start a big Family.:hug3::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[Crescentinus]

I don’t have a list of requirements. I don’t even know if marriage is right for me. But I don’t want to miss out one someone because they don’t live up to some arbitrary checklist.

I have an arbitrary checklist.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

What are three things you hope for in your future mate and are those the same things you are working on in yourself?

I figured there has to be more people looking here for this title in a post
Change the topic if you want!

I’m going to say kindness, respectfulness, and intelligence.

 

[Esfa]

I guess someone for whom the faith is very important, respectful and not afraid of life
…because I believe that if we focus more on God and less on our problems or disagreements and do not take each other for granted but respect them, and are ready to face anything life has to offer us, whether good or bad, then the relationship should go smoothly…

 

[chevalier]

What are three things you hope for in your future mate and are those the same things you are working on in yourself?

Not really in a particular order:
– good character, warm, kind, compassionate, honest, tactful, polite,
– NOT looking out for no. 1, not putting herself first, not making arbitrary decisions for her convenience (this is a biggy), unless she at least sees it as somewhat of a flaw (as opposed to seeing it as the right way to live her life),
– keeping the decorum, preferably mannered and generally overall a female counterpart of gentleman but it’s not like I take etiquette against people who aren’t being obnoxious,
– not necessarily intellectual (which would be nice) but smart and with general knowledge (for conversations and some other things), which, however, isn’t as important as the character-related things,
– nice to look at, preference for a ladylike demeanour, not taking casual too far is a bonus, and obviously I’m going to appreciate if someone puts on a dress for a date or actually gets out a hat or spends time arranging hair;
– doesn’t rush to judgement or condemn quickly, make huge leaps, presume too much etc. (not necessarily out of the box but at least willing to talk and eventually see the light), preferably having a notion of fairness but one doesn’t need to have every virtue, it’s more than okay if she has charity or compassion instead,
– doesn’t too often shout on kids, take it out on them, call names, use shame as a tool excessively or otherwise cause traumas in them, preferably not in adults either,
– somewhat jaded against men is okay as long as it doesn’t extend to me personally and the entitlement/superiority thing is within manageable levels,
– not too much of an unromantic pragmaticist,
– those who are forgiving attract forgiveness.

I work on all this things myself except I don’t have great success with “ladylike” or enough money to keep me pretty.

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

Loving, Caring and with a great desire to start a big Family.:hug3::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug:

I agree with the large family part!! but I’m okay if he doesn’t want one at first … people change

 

[Bataar]

The most important thing I hope for in a future mate is that she exists. Something I am starting to grow more doubtful on.

 

[Byrnwiga]

I have an arbitrary checklist.

I also have an ‘arbitrary’ checklist.

To say that one could “miss out on someone” would imply that said person met some sort of requirement(s), otherwise everyone would be acceptable.

Actually, I would be quite concerned if I met a person who didn’t have a list of things they wanted (or needed, for that matter) in a spouse. In fact, I could probably add it to my list, that any person I express interest in also has a list (not necessarily a long one, mind you).

 

[Esfa]

What’s this about having a checklist?? Let life surprise you!!

 

[chevalier]

What’s this about having a checklist?? Let life surprise you!!

It’s actually good to do some thinking to nail down the things that are important to you and weed out those that aren’t. Otherwise you can be confused, enter into relationships you don’t really want or leave those you don’t really want to be leaving. Thinking about things beforehand allows you to skip some of the going back and forth and otherwise sweating big decisions later. It’s easier to think ahead with a clear head than to decide in the heat of the moment.

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

It’s actually good to do some thinking to nail down the things that are important to you and weed out those that aren’t. Otherwise you can be confused, enter into relationships you don’t really want or leave those you don’t really want to be leaving. Thinking about things beforehand allows you to skip some of the going back and forth and otherwise sweating big decisions later. It’s easier to think ahead with a clear head than to decide in the heat of the moment.

^^ I agree with this. There must be somekind of virtues or expectations you have for your future spouse.

 

[Mimi20]

– doesn’t too often shout on kids, take it out on them, call names, use shame as a tool excessively or otherwise cause traumas in them, preferably not in adults either,

Pardon the inquiry if it’s too intrusive, but how did this make the list? (I don’t disagree. I’m just a bit floored that anyone would display this quality.)

I don’t have any list of qualities or attributes. I have preferences, but overall I hope that person is someone who would be a good counterbalance.

 

[kisper]

Enthusiastic about her faith and accepts wholly the doctrines of the Catholic Church.

Wants to have little ones (preferably many)

Kind to others.

I’m praying the Lord will lead me to her.
I have my desired traits fairly down pat i think. Unfortunately, I struggle sometimes with talking to people (non-Catholics particularly) about topics regarding faith with humility. My ego gets in the way and all too often it becomes about me being right, instead of approaching them out of love and helping them to understand the fullness and validity of the Catholic faith. Prayer and the Eucharist are helping with that

 

[chevalier]

Pardon the inquiry if it’s too intrusive, but how did this make the list? (I don’t disagree. I’m just a bit floored that anyone would display this quality.)

If you will pardon me for being a little vague, it made it to the list due to some things I’ve observed in other people or experienced on my own (still have nightmares sometimes). I’ve also had a long-standing (if somewhat shallow) interest in psychology and sometimes read about things I wouldn’t normally be researching. Additionally, as a criminal law scholar I’m somewhat sensitive to matters of punishment or the way interrogations are handled, and proceedings in general, which makes me dread when I think about teacher justice in the school system but also traditional parental justice (while I’m not only a criminal lawyer by any means, e.g. I’m interested in ADR (alternative dispute resolution, e.g. mediation, negotiating etc.) in civil law too). As a result of all of this, I’ve concluded that while I can understand hot tempers, moods and other related human weakness, and I don’t really talk like a little girl myself, either, so I certainly don’t expect a living person to act like a politically correct robot on tranquilisers, I just don’t want my children exposed to adults losing self-control, taking it out verbally or otherwise, shouting when it’s not warranted, shaming, calling names, using too deep-reaching guilt trips to ensure compliance with expectations, other characteristic features of the traditional approach to children back from when men were still men and one had to walk 10 miles on foot to school. I want my children lifted up, not brought down.

I don’t think shouting or shaming is really so rare among parents and teachers, as are other destructive patterns, as it might appear to you judging by your surprise with that item being on my list. While few people are on the truly extreme side of this problem, I suspect that a near complete absence of all of its characteristics would be rare and unusual in a person or family. It is also that I predict I could be pretty insistent and stern in requiring that those things must stop when I saw or heard them, which could lead to rows and rifts and an impression of my supposedly being controlling. I would be unable to compromise on this and I suppose the other party would feel suffocated by how much she were expected to change in order to function in the marriage or family with me. That causes serious problems for people, perhaps identity crises etc. Not tenable in the long run.

Therefore I pay a lot of attention to dispute resolution patterns. I don’t expect ideal ones (and certainly not the type they sell in self-development trainings), and my own aren’t ideal either, but there are just some points I can’t live with or without. Name calling (not talking about a couple of situational idiots or sons-of-a-gun), disappearing (not for a walk but don’t-know-if-I’ll-be-back), ridiculing, talking spiteful things, quickly jumping to accusations (esp. of lying) are no-nos. Less extreme cases are negotiable as long as the person realises the problem.

 

[Kamaduck]

OK, so I definitely fit the “young” part of this thread, but I guess it’s not too early to think about it. I do think it’s important to have a list of requirements and/or preferences, though some of these are flexible.

Checklist:

-Intelligent, and able to carry on an interesting conversation. This is non-negotiable. In fact, it’s probably best if he likes to have discussions about many and varied topics.
-Polite, doesn’t tell inappropriate jokes (at least not in front of ladies ). At the very least, it shouldn’t be a habit.
-Inspires me to be a better person. I am fairly easy to inspire, so I hope this isn’t expecting too much.
-Respects me and doesn’t make a habit of dismissing my opinions.
-Doesn’t 100% have to be Catholic, but must be a Christian whose faith is important to him. He must seek the truth.
-Fairly confident, or trying to be so.
-Goes out of his way to help people. Has a servant’s heart.
-Has interests outside of me. Bonus if they are either something useful or something I like, too.
-Cares at least a little about academics. I just consider it a bad sign if he’s failing and doesn’t care.
-Scientific interest or knowledge, or interest in speculative fiction, is a bonus.

Other than that, I’m leaving it up to God. Unfortunately I’m not really sure I’m cut out for marriage… I think I would be happy with someone else and raising kids, but I’m skeptical that it will ever happen. I think I can be happy by myself, but I don’t know what will happen. At least I know God has it figured out!

I’m mainly working on the polite and confident requirements, as well as respecting other people’s opinions and not dismissing them. And being devoted to my faith, I guess. I think I still have a lot to work on!

 

[Mimi20]

If you will pardon me for being a little vague, it made it to the list due to some things I’ve observed in other people or experienced on my own (still have nightmares sometimes). I’ve also had a long-standing (if somewhat shallow) interest in psychology and sometimes read about things I wouldn’t normally be researching. Additionally, as a criminal law scholar I’m somewhat sensitive to matters of punishment or the way interrogations are handled, and proceedings in general, which makes me dread when I think about teacher justice in the school system but also traditional parental justice (while I’m not only a criminal lawyer by any means, e.g. I’m interested in ADR (alternative dispute resolution, e.g. mediation, negotiating etc.) in civil law too). As a result of all of this, I’ve concluded that while I can understand hot tempers, moods and other related human weakness, and I don’t really talk like a little girl myself, either, so I certainly don’t expect a living person to act like a politically correct robot on tranquilisers, I just don’t want my children exposed to adults losing self-control, taking it out verbally or otherwise, shouting when it’s not warranted, shaming, calling names, using too deep-reaching guilt trips to ensure compliance with expectations, other characteristic features of the traditional approach to children back from when men were still men and one had to walk 10 miles on foot to school. I want my children lifted up, not brought down.

I don’t think shouting or shaming is really so rare among parents and teachers, as are other destructive patterns, as it might appear to you judging by your surprise with that item being on my list.

I apologize, but I was initially surprised by that quality being explicitly listed by… well a male. When someone says ‘kind, considerate, etc’ when listing any qualities they wish for in a potential partner I suppose the absence of destructive behavior is generally assumed.
The surprise I stated did insinuate an ignorance of those destructive patterns among people. I don’t believe its a rare occurrence at all either and I should have clarified my thought. Most people aren’t quite as specific in listing behavioral patterns of their potential spouse. With a realistic set of conditions no less.

I agree with your position; I would be alert for the same. Its quite prudent of you to be aware of those details. Having an interest in criminal justice I can see where and why you would be interested in the logistics of ADR. I’ve never given much thought to parental or teacher justice though. Thank you for answering my question.

 

[chevalier]

I apologize, but I was initially surprised by that quality being explicitly listed by… well a male.

Yeah, it tends to be assumed we can live without that and most of the time we won’t say a word about the subject. I have knack for talking about things-that-must-not-be-talked-about and I guess I’m different from most other guys. Well, most other people in general.

When someone says ‘kind, considerate, etc’ when listing any qualities they wish for in a potential partner I suppose the absence of destructive behavior is generally assumed.

Well, people know they don’t want to be beaten or taken for a ride by a con artist with a criminal past or end up dragged into the hell of substance abuse and domestic violence, don’t want to be cheated or eat too many lies. But there’s much more than this for sick patterns. I find relationships in the modern world unnavigable without reading up a bit on psychiatry but the historian in me knows it’s always been like that no matter the epoch.

The surprise I stated did insinuate an ignorance of those destructive patterns among people. I don’t believe its a rare occurrence at all either and I should have clarified my thought.

I probably shouldn’t’ve jumped to conclusions. There wasn’t really any concluding, though, it sort of read that way. Which is how most jumped conclusions happen for people, I guess.

Most people aren’t quite as specific in listing behavioral patterns of their potential spouse. With a realistic set of conditions no less.

Yeah, I can put up with some. I sort of like people with difficult personalities or characters. There are just some things I don’t.

I agree with your position; I would be alert for the same. Its quite prudent of you to be aware of those details. Having an interest in criminal justice I can see where and why you would be interested in the logistics of ADR. I’ve never given much thought to parental or teacher justice though. Thank you for answering my question.

Thank you for the kind words. Well, those things in the past are why I was more of a lawyer at age 10 or 11 than I am at thirty. As for ADR, I guess I could add something to the list but it’s going to be somewhat teachnical. Negotiation tends to come in two styles, which are basically just the normal communication styles: adversarial and competitive. Then there are strategies: value building (non-zero sum, we’re baking as much cake as we can for both of us, maximising the combined benefit rather than striving for an equal division, 80/60 is superior to 50/50, even though unequal) and value sharing (just cutting the pie, zero sum).

I doubt I’m ever going to end up married but I’d prefer someone who doesn’t use the adversarial style other than in harmless jokes, which is actually something I like. On the other hand, I’ve filed 11:59 p.m. lawsuits, sued the AG, slept with a knife, showered with an IV pole, talked back to appellate judges and sung with a jaw sewn shut with metal wire (smiling worked fine, too ). I’m not really going to be impressed by someone with a bit of a mouth or attitude, and I insist on few things more than on being kind and friendly with people people. It’s hard to get along with someone who doesn’t. This is hard to explain really.

The thing with compromise is a different one, though. Nothing special here. It’s just better to keep baking and to maximise value (taking turns perhaps) than to make life equally miserable for both parties.