Young WOMEN and chastity

[His_Ruby]

Thank you again for all your replies

Yes, he is planning on going to RCIA, but the next program doesn’t start untill this fall.

It gives me a lot more hope seeing how many woman have gone through this already and conquered it. Hopefully I’ll be next in line.

One of the biggest pushers for me to change is my mother =/. I can’t imagine how dissappointed she would be in me. I was raised in a very religious family, and I hate to admit that I’m wrong, but everything my parents have ever said about me was right.

That’s great that he will be going to RCIA.

I have been through similar temptations in my relationship before we were married, but you need to conquer it together as well as individually, as it is a mutual act. Does he feel that what you do is impure and wrong as well? I got the message that he doesn’t from what you wrote before. He needs to understand that the nature of these impurities are lustful and when sex in any form is separated from marriage it ceases to be unitive – and if you do marry in the future, this can have repercussions in your marriage.

The CDs I recommended (his conversion story and The Sanctity of Marriage) are $10 each and you can order them right here, although I highly recommend ANY of his talks –

fathercorapi.com/Personal-Testimony—Father-Corapis-Conversion-Story—105CD-P1C3.aspx
fathercorapi.com/The-Sanctity-of-Marriage—038CD-P235C3.aspx

 

[Sierrah]

Well being an emotional person I find it is very difficult to be good when I’m in a relationship. Right now I’m not in one so it’s not even an issue. I have problems with trusting any guy these days because of past experiences. If I ever meet a guy who isn’t interested in just one thing then I’ll probably be ok but will no doubt be praying some novena’s to help me out. In any case I honestly don’t believe in long engagements. I think 6 months to a year is better then several years…a long engagement spells trouble in the making but what do I know I’m about as far from becoming engaged as you can get.

 

[vluvski]

Like StratusRose, DH and I fell into the sin of mutual masturbation prior to marriage as well. So, there is hope that you and your “partner in crime” will still make it to your wedding day, God willing.

The most important factor to improve chastity in our relationship was that we were and are both on the same page. We submit to the teachings of the Holy Mother Church. Beyond that:

1. Confession as often as necessary, even daily.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, go to one another’s houses/apts/dorms. Even if others are there, if you’re like us, friends and even relatives will assume you just need some “private time” and nothing inappropriate is going on.
3. Spend time together in front of the Blessed Sacrament. One word of caution on intimate prayer, though. The spiritual closeness you feel when praying together can lead to a desire for physical closeness. If this becomes a problem, schedule your praying on the phone. Don’t make plans to go anywhere or do anything together before or after prayer, so the date remains focused on the primary activity of PRAYING.
4. Don’t exclude the possibility that this is not the right time for this relationship. Have enough faith in God’s plan that if you break things off for the sake of chastity, He will not let you cut your intended spouse out of your life forever. This is something I wish I had done.

Bringing the guilt and shame of sexual sin has been one of the biggest hurdles in our marriage, especially when it comes to intimacy. It is hard to enjoy sex in the way it was intended when you have memories of the sinful sexual acts you committed in the past.

 

[kage_ar]

You sound like a bright young woman. Step back and look at what you wrote above:

“And no, we are not engaged and there is no date. It doesn’t make it any less serious. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been proposed to any earlier than right now anyway because, frankly, I don’t believe that any one should be thinking about marriage if they’ve been dating for less than two or two and a half years, you just don’t know eachother well enough.”

It is odd that you would not know each other well enough to get engaged/married - but, sharing the most intimate acts is hunky dory

Keep praying, go to confession (for this kind of thing, I really suggest going to the same confessor and face to face). Don’t spend time alone with your boyfriend, stay in group settings, keep a Bible between you at all times

 

[Aprilbaby]

very good thread…this is an issue for a LOT of young women in almost all Religions

 

[Julianna]

I said that he was going to mass with ME on sundays. The only times I can go to mass on the weekend is either 7 or 9 am on sunday which he usually cannot make because of his work schedule. As for him going by himself, he’s intimidated by going alone and I’m not going to order him to go by himself when it was his idea in the first place to go with me.

And no, we are not engaged and there is no date. It doesn’t make it any less serious. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been proposed to any earlier than right now anyway because, frankly, I don’t believe that any one should be thinking about marriage if they’ve been dating for less than two or two and a half years, you just don’t know eachother well enough.

What I said about feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed to get married now had nothing to do with how old I am or how long we’ve been dating. I feel like I’ve dirtied myself…**How you wear a white wedding dress to signify your chastity…I feel like I’d have to walk down the isle with a gray dress instead./**QUOTE]

We don’t know you. So as for those who do know you and what YOU think THEY may thinking, is none of their business. The good news is…you are working your way through it. Who are any of us who “don’t” know you have any right to judge you or those who “do” know you the same? Not many halo’s here on earth…we’re working on it. Kudo’s to you for asking the question and realizing that you are a human being.

I do have to ask, does he feel like he has dirtied himself? What does a man wear to show chastity? How many men think about what others are thinking about them? Probably, not at all. Remember, it works both ways.

 

[Gertabelle]

“Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: A Guide for Catholics” is a WONDERFUL book, directed to both men and women. Get two copies, one for you and one for BF.

I’m an older single woman (divorced with annulment) and I was a once a younger single woman with the same struggles you mention. Do whatever it takes to stop the uncahste activity now. If BF is not willing to do whatever it takes, end the relationship now.

Here’s a warning story for you. I married my best friend of over 20 years. We knew each other better than just about anyone else on the planet. We engaged in premarital sex, and that was what drew us into marriage. Yippee! I get to be a bride! Fast forward five years, and we have a little boy and are now divorced.

Unchaste activity deafens you to the speaking of the Holy Spirit. I can now say, as a 30-something mom, that I would rather spend the rest of my life in joyful celibacy than settle for another “just go ahead and do it” kind of relationship. And any single man I speak with nowadays knows that about me.

Don’t settle for less than God’s most excellent plan for you. The “rules” of chastity are for your own joy and happiness in this life. You wrote of the sorrow you feel when you engage in this activity. That is God speaking in your heart. Listen and act.

God bless.
Gertie

 

[pink]

What about being a born again virgin? From now on, change your frame of mind and thinking. Renew yourself and don’t dwell in the past, but focus on the future.

 

[His_Ruby]

What I said about feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed to get married now had nothing to do with how old I am or how long we’ve been dating. I feel like I’ve dirtied myself…How you wear a white wedding dress to signify your chastity…I feel like I’d have to walk down the isle with a gray dress instead.

I am not a cradle Catholic and was raised in quite a troubled home with little to no religious upbringing at all. I engaged in premarital sex in my teen years and had very liberal views up until I met my husband. His influence lead me gently to pursue my own learning about the Church and I decided to pursue conversion and am now happily Catholic He and I waited until we were married to have sex.

I recall feeling some of the same… even though he and I had not had sex, I was not a virgin and wondered if I should be allowed to wear a white gown. However, in the years we were together before marriage a sort of phenomenon occurred… and on our wedding night** I was a virgin**. As though any prior experience or even knowledge I’d had with sex was erased – a true gift from God… I believe it was given to me because of the strong devotion I had to the Blessed Mother all through our courtship, engagement, etc., and constantly prayed to her to help me be a chaste, pure woman. It was truly a miracle.

Try very hard. Pray, pray, to our Blessed Mother.

 

[Dorothy]

pinkgriffon wrote:

<<What I said about feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed to get married now had nothing to do with how old I am or how long we’ve been dating. I feel like I’ve dirtied myself…How you wear a white wedding dress to signify your chastity…I feel like I’d have to walk down the isle with a gray dress instead.>>

Remember that in the Sacrament of Reconciliation Our Lord Jesus Christ makes all things new again! When we are truly contrite He forgets our sins…it is as though they never took place.

 

[pinkgriffon]

Remember that in the Sacrament of Reconciliation Our Lord Jesus Christ makes all things new again! When we are truly contrite He forgets our sins…it is as though they never took place.

I wish I felt like that was true. I’ve been going through this for the past 2 years? I think, and have only been to confession about it 3 times. I don’t feel any bit cleaner though because I’ve always gone and done it again. I just wish I hadn’t ever done anything. I keep thinking about the end of the world when all my family and friends and anyone whos ever known me will just see what a shameful person I’ve been…I’m just terrified of that. I would rather die than have my mother find out what I’ve done. And even though I feel like that right now, I know as soon as I’m in the situation again I’m just not going to care at all, because “what’s just one more time” when I’ve done it so many times already.

I don’t feel like I should even be thinking about getting married now. I think I would feel like vluvski now and just be ashamed to be intimate again, even if it was absolutely valid, especially with the same person. I want to erase everything that I’ve done and do it all over again but I can’t…I shouldn’t know the things that I know now.

 

[Dorothy]

I wish I felt like that was true. I’ve been going through this for the past 2 years? I think, and have only been to confession about it 3 times. I don’t feel any bit cleaner though because I’ve always gone and done it again. I just wish I hadn’t ever done anything. I keep thinking about the end of the world when all my family and friends and anyone whos ever known me will just see what a shameful person I’ve been…I’m just terrified of that. I would rather die than have my mother find out what I’ve done. And even though I feel like that right now, I know as soon as I’m in the situation again I’m just not going to care at all, because “what’s just one more time” when I’ve done it so many times already.

I don’t feel like I should even be thinking about getting married now. I think I would feel like vluvski now and just be ashamed to be intimate again, even if it was absolutely valid, especially with the same person. I want to erase everything that I’ve done and do it all over again but I can’t…I shouldn’t know the things that I know now.

Please don’t allow despair to take over. Make the decision, with the Lord’s help, to go to confession weekly if that is necessary. Pour your heart out to a priest who is truly understanding and explain what you discussed online here. You need to realize that the Lord loves you unconditionally and will be with you as you struggle to overcome this. Don’t give up!

Surely you have some other interests that can begin to take up your spare time? Like walking or exercising, gardening, crafts, and joining a group at Church.

With God all things are possible. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Gertabelle]

Please don’t allow despair to take over. Make the decision, with the Lord’s help, to go to confession weekly if that is necessary. Pour your heart out to a priest who is truly understanding and explain what you discussed online here. You need to realize that the Lord loves you unconditionally and will be with you as you struggle to overcome this. Don’t give up!

Surely you have some other interests that can begin to take up your spare time? Like walking or exercising, gardening, crafts, and joining a group at Church.

With God all things are possible. I will keep you in my prayers.

Making sure you have FUN in your life outside of your relationship with your bf is essential. Take up a hobby, volunteer, take some classes, attend lectures, join a sports team, etc. There are countless ways to make friends and have fun outside of unchaste activity.

Despair, such as, “I’m just going to give in again,” and “What does it matter just one more time” – these are things we use to avoid taking responsibility for our actions, and these are lies the deceiver uses to keep us from God. Pray and pray. Keep your sight on God, and the promises of His glorious Kingdom. If you want to be chaste, you will find your strength in Him. If you don’t want to be chaste, then just keep doing what you’re doing, including making all the excuses and throwing that great big pity party. Being a follower of Christ (a Christian) is not about how you feel. It is a choice, and you choose to do what He tells you to do regardless of how it feels. You feel dirty, you feel unworthy, you feel sad, you feel… Thanks for sharing. Now, what are you going to DO, and who are you going to BE? God has all the strength you will ever need to follow Him. Choose His love, and then do what He says because that is what you choose. He will never leave you without the grace you need to say “yes” to the joys He promises. No matter what you’ve done – and believe me, in the contest of disgusting pasts, I WIN! – He never wants you to die in your sin. Stop playing the victim. Be the Child of God you are.

Gertie

 

[His_Ruby]

Making sure you have FUN in your life outside of your relationship with your bf is essential. Take up a hobby, volunteer, take some classes, attend lectures, join a sports team, etc. There are countless ways to make friends and have fun outside of unchaste activity.

Despair, such as, “I’m just going to give in again,” and “What does it matter just one more time” – these are things we use to avoid taking responsibility for our actions, and these are lies the deceiver uses to keep us from God. Pray and pray. Keep your sight on God, and the promises of His glorious Kingdom. If you want to be chaste, you will find your strength in Him. If you don’t want to be chaste, then just keep doing what you’re doing, including making all the excuses and throwing that great big pity party. Being a follower of Christ (a Christian) is not about how you feel. It is a choice, and you choose to do what He tells you to do regardless of how it feels. You feel dirty, you feel unworthy, you feel sad, you feel… Thanks for sharing. Now, what are you going to DO, and who are you going to BE? God has all the strength you will ever need to follow Him. Choose His love, and then do what He says because that is what you choose. He will never leave you without the grace you need to say “yes” to the joys He promises. No matter what you’ve done – and believe me, in the contest of disgusting pasts, I WIN! – He never wants you to die in your sin. Stop playing the victim. Be the Child of God you are.

Gertie

Go to confession more often… 3 times in the past 2 years is not enough if you are struggling with sins of impurity like this. Frequent confession helped me through struggles like this one.

Overcoming your struggle is very admirable. Don’t think it’s not worth it since you feel you are “already impure” – you aren’t, and thanks to the grace of God your sins will be forgiven through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

 

[vluvski]

I don’t feel like I should even be thinking about getting married now. I think I would feel like vluvski now and just be ashamed to be intimate again, even if it was absolutely valid, especially with the same person.

The good news is that you’ve come to the right place to begin helping yourself overcome this sin. The anonymity is great (well, for those of us who don’t end up making real-life friends with our CAF friends- hiya pals! ), yet you really begin to feel like people on here “know” you in a way that they can start helping you remain accountable.

One tactic that worked for awhile was filling a jar with quarters each time we fell into sin. Being a very frugal person, as well as a very sinful person, those quarters were valuable to me. I viewed it as the blood money Judas was paid to betray Jesus, and eventually donated it to the poor box. Probably would have been more fitting to donate to a women’s shelter or crisis pregnancy center.

Even though I’m now happily married to a wonderful husband, I wonder how much better our first year could have been if we had committed to fixing that before entering engagement and marriage, instead of viewing marriage as part of the solution. Sure, we no longer have problems with chastity despite highly frustrating 3 week periods of abstinence because we have discerned a serious reason to avoid, but it’s hard not to recall those sins and wonder why sex is not as satisfying as it seems like it should be based on what I wish I didn’t know.

His Ruby’s post should give you a lot of hope, but I really believe that it takes more than frequent confession and a spiritual commitment to achieve that level of distance from such a serious sin. My sincerest piece of advice is to end the relationship now. Do not view it as a temporary separation. Take plenty of time to renew your chastity without temptation, and see where God leads you. If it is not back to this man, you did both of you a favor. If it is back to this man, you did both of you an even bigger favor.

Prayers for you!

 

[pinkgriffon]

My sincerest piece of advice is to end the relationship now. Do not view it as a temporary separation. Take plenty of time to renew your chastity without temptation, and see where God leads you. If it is not back to this man, you did both of you a favor. If it is back to this man, you did both of you an even bigger favor.

Prayers for you!

I seriously thought about this before for the same reason. I did try it at one point, but I only lasted for a couple days. It’s so hard to just cut everything off with your best friend in the world. It was really scary for me to not ever know where he was or anything because the job he has is very risky and I always worry that something’s going to happen to him and if I wasn’t speaking with him, I would never know.

When I tried to break it off with him of course he got really upset and didn’t understand where I was coming from. From his point of view I was running away from the problem by pushing him away from me. He brought up the point that if we were planning to get married, we should work this out together as a team…Both ways have good points to them =/.

 

[vluvski]

I did try it at one point, but I only lasted for a couple days. It’s so hard to just cut everything off with your best friend in the world. =/.

Tell me about it! I tried to take a break from DH during our engagement, and it didn’t even last until the end of the phone call (we were engaged long distance).

With my previous b/f, it took 4 attempts to finally break it off. Since you say he has such a risky job, can you try to view it as keeping him out of sin in case something really terrible does happen, God forbid?

I understand trying to work it out together. That’s what DH and I attempted, rather unsuccessfully . If you do, best approach is to totally forget the notion of private time. Drive separately, meet somewhere public, and don’t accompany one another home.

Also, there are numerous perpetual adoration chapels in the area. That is a good place to be quiet together, yet in an environment where challenges to chastity are eased.

 

[pinkgriffon]

If you do, best approach is to totally forget the notion of private time. Drive separately, meet somewhere public, and don’t accompany one another home.

Yea, I think before I try to break it off again, I will try this one more time. I actually did try it once before and it worked great. We kind of tried to revert back to how it was when we first met, and I didn’t see him or speak to him for like 3 or 4 days (which…sadly is an ETERNITY haha), and the next time I saw him was amazing. There was no stress, no arguments… all the little things that had started to irritate me about him were just gone, because all the stress from messing up so many times was just gone.

I’m so glad I posted on here. I’ve been on here before but I deleted my account…These past couple days this is pretty much all I’ve been thinking about…and thinking…and thinking…haha. But you all have really helped me more than you know ^-^. I just feel…No, sorry Gertabelle… I KNOW I’m ready for this now and I’m going to squash it for good this time.

So I just want to thank you all for giving your time and advice on such a sensative and private subject

 

[bookgirl]

think, and have only been to confession about it 3 times. I don’t feel any bit cleaner though because I’ve always gone and done it again.

If there’s anything I’ve learned about confession, it’s that how you feel about it when you come out has nothing to do with what really happened. If you simply and sincerely confessed your sins and the priest absolved (sp?) you, you’re forgiven, even if you don’t feel like it, and even if you question your ability to resist temptation. And if you do it again, the absolute best thing to do is to go back to confession. Even if you go three times a week or every day, just keep going back. That’s the beauty of the sacrament. I’m not telling you that as a safety net, part of confession is still promising to “avoid the near occasion of sin”, so I hope I’m not confusing there. Don’t say to yourself, “I can do this b/c I’ll go to confession later.” But Satan would love it if every time we sinned we thought, “I’m not worthy of forgiveness b/c I did it AGAIN.” So go to confession and just be honest with the priest! If you could find a priest to be your spiritual advisor, that would be good too, b/c he would know your history.

Turn this situation around on your temptation and the Enemy, look at this as weight lifting for the soul, just keep going, keep trying, keep praying and keep going to confession. Grace isn’t changed by how you feel about it.

 

[EsclavoDeCristo]

I am engaged and my fiance and I are both Catholic.

Here’s one thing that works for us:

She wears a scapular with a couple of medals attached. If, per say, the hormones were to take over, the sight of the scapular and the jingle of the medals would be a good “smack to the back of my head” to stop, sit on my hands, pray to Mary, and thank God for our purity and sexuality!

(this is just the “last line of defense” in a string of “security measures” I try to set up for myself. The first one would be, pray, pray, pray for purity and for holiness)