Younger member needs advice

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Hello all, I am 22 years old and I am currently in a relationship with someone who is a Lutheran. We have been struggling to stay chaste for over 2 years. We keep falling and it is becoming hard for me to grow in my Catholic Faith and to deepen my relationship with God. I do not have the strength to end the relationship if it were to come to that point. I do not know what to do. This has been a struggle that I feel like I am dealing with all alone and I need some advice on what to do.
 
You know what to do. If the young man is causing you to sin, then you must leave him and turn back to God, who loves you more. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse; if you have been in this relationship for two years and there is no inclination for marriage, then it is time to break up and find someone else. You have the strength; you can do it. :bible1:
 
“if your right hand causese you to sin, cut it off”. You need to move on, find a nice Catholic boy, save yourself for marriage and stop putting yourself alone with this guy and it’s temptations. You haven’t even touched on the religious differences here but that is another red flag here. There is a saying, "why buy the cow when the milk has been fee?’
It sounds like you maybe being used and that best answer to that is end it and move on.
 
Is he interested in being chaste as well? Is this something you struggle with together, or is it something that only you want? It would be hard to maintain chastity if it was only important to one person. If he’s not so interested in it, could you explain how important it is for you?
 
Hi and welcome to the forums! I’m so glad you are here asking this question.

God designed sex to be within married life because it makes a baby and it’s the super glue that binds two people together to help for when difficult times come, as they do with every life. Dating should be a time of looking at the person soberly, to see their qualities and faults, to discern the will of God. When you apply the super glue before it’s time, their faults are easily overlooked, bad habits excused. When the hormones are applied, it’s hard to think straight, and thinking straight better be a priority when discerning a life partner!

When dating, both parties are to treat each other honorably. Both should look to helping the other grow in faith and deepen their relationship with God. Once you become a certain age it’s time to grow in your faith and make it your own. You are no longer under the umbrella of your parents blessing. Study the faith because faith and the practice of virtue will serve you your entire life, to bless and keep you. It’s a very important time and should be spent wisely. Now is the time to build your house on the rock of Christ. Be careful laying a foundation because when the wind and rains come, if you build on sand, there will surely be great loss when the house collapses. This is what scripture says, and you can look at the divorce rate and the amount of broken families to see the results of building on sand.

Below is a bit of catechism of the Catholic Church. To learn the virtues and to learn how to apply them in every day life will be like a light unto your feet. God can then build inside you and prepare you for what He is calling you to. What would happen if you only had 10 more years, or 5? and you come before the throne of the living God to give an account for your life? Will He find you busy on building the kingdom of God in your heart and neighbor, or will you come before Him empty handed? Think on these things. Life is very short and many come before God in a moment, without warning.

Read a bit of this catechism and ask yourself if these aren’t good principles to put into place in your life. Wouldn’t you want a life partner that would be working on the same things so you can walk together in blessing? Going from strength to strength?

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm

God bless and guide you to holiness every day so that you can bring blessing upon the world, which is your calling and mine.
 
Thank you for the replies so far. Growing up until now I have never seen a marriage work, my parents did not marry and my grandparents had a bad marriage as well. No one is my family has had a successful marriage to my knowledge. So this makes it difficult for me because in many ways I do not know what exactly is good dating and a good marriage. Also I have told him how chastity is important to me but it seems like I have become like a broken record, I don’t think it is as important for him as it is to me. I have no one to discuss this stuff with and I am the type that becomes very attached to people so if I were to end this relationship I feel as though I would become extremely depressed. I have tried to pray about this and have asked God to please help me in some way but so far I still am left unsure and confused
 
jzea1992 said:
Thank you for the replies so far. Growing up until now I have never seen a marriage work, my parents did not marry and my grandparents had a bad marriage as well. No one is my family has had a successful marriage to my knowledge. So this makes it difficult for me because in many ways I do not know what exactly is good dating and a good marriage. Also I have told him how chastity is important to me but it seems like I have become like a broken record, I don’t think it is as important for him as it is to me. I have no one to discuss this stuff with and I am the type that becomes very attached to people so if I were to end this relationship I feel as though I would become extremely depressed. I have tried to pray about this and have asked God to please help me in some way but so far I still am left unsure and confused
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It is not clear to me whether you “fall” because you feel obligated to go along with your boyfriend’s desires, or because you are also a willing participant in the pre-marital sex.

If the latter, then first work on your own determination to do what you feel is right. If it’s the former, think about the consequences of discussing seriously with your boyfriend your desire to observe a chaste relationship. Does he love you? If so, would he agree to your wishes to not engage in sex? If he “walks out” - what can you conclude about his concern for and commitment to you?

If he does agree to put the sex on hold, don’t be surprised if he more readily begins to “wilt” than you do. Be prepared to gently remind him of your joint commitment.
 
Rau, to answer your question I think it is both. I have to accept the responsibility as well, I just had a bad fall recently can someone please pray for me on my behalf? even in the slightest, I am not feeling myself and the littlest things have begin to drive me to anger which I have never had a problem with normally
 
Catholic1954 said:
You know what to do. If the young man is causing you to sin, then you must leave him and turn back to God, who loves you more. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse; if you have been in this relationship for two years and there is no inclination for marriage, then it is time to break up and find someone else. You have the strength; you can do it. :bible1:
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What? Jzea clearly stated that she is a full participant in this relationship. Another person does not cause one to sin. I’ll pray that you find peace.
 
Catholic1954 said:
You know what to do. If the young man is causing you to sin, then you must leave him and turn back to God, who loves you more. **The purpose of dating is to find a spouse; if you have been in this relationship for two years and there is no inclination for marriage, then it is time to break up and find someone else. You have the strength; you can do it. **:bible1:
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This part I agree with. Two years in a relationship is long enough to know if it’s heading toward marriage. Two years is also a very long time to someone who isn’t inclined to be chaste.

If this relationship is heading toward marriage, make plans for that future. It’s easier being chaste when you know there is an end in sight.

If it’s not heading toward marriage then it’s time to move on and look for a permanent mate. It’s cruel to stay in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
 
Long relationships and long engagements usually do not play well with chastity. IMHO, people, especially young people should not be engaging in them as there is way too much physical temptation present. A substantial portion of not yielding to temptation is avoiding it in the first place. So … the couple should be getting married or they should split up. In the old days, there used to be a lot more backing from families on both sides to help the young couple bootstrap themselves. Something we don’t have nearly as much of these days.
 
jzea1992 said:
Rau, to answer your question I think it is both. I have to accept the responsibility as well, I just had a bad fall recently can someone please pray for me on my behalf? even in the slightest, I am not feeling myself and the littlest things have begin to drive me to anger which I have never had a problem with normally
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Have you raised the subject of end the sex with your boyfriend?
 
Two years is really enough time to know. I think you know that, too.

It’s tough to break up, but you BOTH can look at it this way: it’s the BEST way to break up, since you really do know it’s not in the cards for you. It’s ironic humor, to be sure. And of course a sad thing, but life isn’t always going to hand you what you want and no one is immune to emotional pain and heartbreak and suffering.

The big strike against you is that he’s Lutheran. In my experience, Lutheran-Catholic marriages can be a real mess. . . each hoping and hoping and hoping, and each fancying to himself or herself, the he or she can get the other to jump ship.

Lutherans are OK people; they just are missing so much. And of course, often times, Protestants feel smug or superior to we benighted Catholics, so stuck in the Middle Ages, so unable to really think for ourselves or feel for ourselves the greatness of Jesus, etc., etc. i’ve run into a good many patronizing Protestants in my day.
 
Thank you I appreciate the advice, I needed some help. I am going to have a talk with him and am not going to sabatoge my values anymore. I Know it would be hard to end the relationship, it would honestly be easier if he just broke up with me, I know I will become depressed but I have to do what is right. 2 years is long enough to know if we want a future and it just doesn’t seem like its been going in that direction. I just want to get right with God.
 
I am struggling to see where in the OP’s original post they mentioned their gender. I also did not see anything in the OP’s profile to hint at gender. However, the first few responses assumed they were female. Perhaps I missed something that the first few responders did not?
 
JoshuaNY said:
I am struggling to see where in the OP’s original post they mentioned their gender. I also did not see anything in the OP’s profile to hint at gender. However, the first few responses assumed they were female. Perhaps I missed something that the first few responders did not?
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The OP is explicit in referring to her partner as “him”. As to the OP, you’re right, we assume female.
 
This is a struggle for many- my bf and I have been battling the same fight for two years as well, and have learned a thing or two. We still keeping sex for marriage, but its the near occasion of sins that are the tricky ones. Here’s my two cents:
  1. Where are you when the sin occurs? At his place? At your place? Alone at night? Avoid those places! Go out in public to a movie and say goodnight at the theater, do not go over to his place alone if you feel you will be tempted. Hang with other friends so that you are not alone together.
  2. What leads up to the sin? Drinking? Making out? Avoid that too!
  3. Pray!!! I’ll pray for you as well, because it works. Pray to all the saints, the virgin mother, and even your guardian angel (and his) to knock you over the head, if need be, to avoid sinning.
  4. Talk to him! If you and he are not on the same page, then it’s time to turn the page. This is hard, and at a young age, it seems impossible to think about life without him right now…but if he will not agree to be chaste, then it is better to find out now then when you are trying to plan a family, battling different libidos, raising children, setting an example for your own children, etc.
  5. Talk to a priest! I talked to mine in confession, and I was never judged (priests say they’ve heard every sin ever, so don’t worry). My priest just told me to keep away from the slippery slope that leads us into sin. We all slip from time to time, but it’s important to recognize what leads us to sin and improve upon it!
 
angeline15 said:
This is a struggle for many- my bf and I have been battling the same fight for two years as well, and have learned a thing or two. We still keeping sex for marriage, but its the near occasion of sins that are the tricky ones. Here’s my two cents:
  1. Where are you when the sin occurs? At his place? At your place? Alone at night? Avoid those places! Go out in public to a movie and say goodnight at the theater, do not go over to his place alone if you feel you will be tempted. Hang with other friends so that you are not alone together.
  2. What leads up to the sin? Drinking? Making out? Avoid that too!
  3. Pray!!! I’ll pray for you as well, because it works. Pray to all the saints, the virgin mother, and even your guardian angel (and his) to knock you over the head, if need be, to avoid sinning.
  4. Talk to him! If you and he are not on the same page, then it’s time to turn the page. This is hard, and at a young age, it seems impossible to think about life without him right now…but if he will not agree to be chaste, then it is better to find out now then when you are trying to plan a family, battling different libidos, raising children, setting an example for your own children, etc.
  5. Talk to a priest! I talked to mine in confession, and I was never judged (priests say they’ve heard every sin ever, so don’t worry). My priest just told me to keep away from the slippery slope that leads us into sin. We all slip from time to time, but it’s important to recognize what leads us to sin and improve upon it!
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You are handling it so far, you are an exception. Not to mention exceptional. Good for you.

But again, while there are exceptions like this one, long term relationships and engagements really should be avoided because of the potential for temptation and the difficulty in avoiding it. For most persons who find themselves in this situation and take their chastity seriously, yet have trouble maintaining it, the advice should be to get married soon or break it off entirely.
 
Rau said:
The OP is explicit in referring to her partner as “him”. As to the OP, you’re right, we assume female.
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Not in the first post she did not. She did in subsequent posts, after folks replied with their assumption.
 
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