Younger Widows

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zenith15

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I I am married, age 48, with two grown sons and a 13 year old son still at home. My beloved husband and best friend is terminally ill with cancer. I feel completely like a fish out of water–when he passes to Heaven, I have no idea where my place in the life of the church is anymore. What is my vocation? We are very poor and live only on my husband’s disability income and my son’s disability check (he has Asperger’s), and when he passes on, I will only get 75% of his benefits until our son turns 16, then nothing. I am not skilled at any particular form of paid employment and have never in my life lived alone nor been responsible for the bills, fixing things around the house, etc. I am terrified and grief stricken to the core, and I find there are so few in the same position, at least that I can see. Almost all the other single people at my parish are elderly widows or divorced folks. Each week at church I see happy families together and it breaks my heart to think of my love being gone and being left here alone for however long I may live, sad and lonely.

Is anyone else in this circumstance?
 
My heart is breaking for you. I’m going to be including you in my daily prayers. If you need someone to talk to, private message me please. God Bless!
 
With all due respect, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you can’t afford it. Please realize that you still have a few more years in which to learn how to be self supporting. I suggest that you make an appointment with your pastor and ask him to refer you to a professional counselor.
As for a vocation, put that out of your head. The one thing I have learned in this life is that you don’t have to like what you do for a living to be good at it. I learned this in my own family.
Both of my parents were European immigrants. My father becane a Pastry Chef in Germany after WWI. He came to the US in 1925 because of terrible economic conditions in Germany during the 1920’s. In the US he worked in the luxury resort hotels on the East Coast, and ultimately earned an international reputation as one of the best Pastry Chefs in both Europe and the US. His photo is in La Rousse Gastronome, the French cooking encyclopedia. He worked in hotels until his late 70’s because there were no retirement programs in the hotels of his time.
It was only after he passed away that I learned two things about him: 1) he had no sense of smell as a result of being gassed in WW I-which meant he had no sense of taste, He baked through a knowledge of food chemistry, and had a natural sense of color and design, which led to his making and decorating fine pastry. and, 2) he hated the food business, but, through self discipline made himself successful at it.
I would use the time you have before your benefits run out to further your education, which will enable you to better support yourself and your son. Don’t depend on anyone other than yourself.
 
What you are going through is very much not easy for you. The best thing for you is to not worry about the future but to only take things day by day and week by week and not further more then that otherwise you are going to worry and stress too much. I surgest that if you may need to find a job always look into retail like big supermarkets because they always need people.
Do not worry that you have no experince but always know that you can learn its never too late.
 
You still have important work ahead as wife to your husband and raising your son. There will be a mourning period. Stay close to God and his Church.

You can begin exploring vocational and educational options. Many good jobs require only 2 years of college. Are you perhaps interested in a religious vocation? Many orders accept widows.
 
You have my prayers… Don’t fear… God loves widows with a special love and has special care and concern for folks bearing this cross… He many times in Holy Scripture makes this love known, and commands His Church to care for them especially as well… and so widowhood itself is considered a holy vocation within the Church…

'Because our Lord hath chosen Sion: he hath chosen it for an habitation to himself.
*Sion, the Catholic Church, is a perpetual place where God dwelleth.
*This is my rest forever and Ever: here will I dwell because I have chosen it.
Blessing I will bless her widow: her poor I will fill with Breads.
The Church wanting Christs visible presence, is replenished with many blessings, and all her humble children are relieved with holy Sacraments.
Her Priests I will clothe with salvation: and her Saints shall rejoice with joyfulness.
The Church hath always some holy Priests; and some holy people. Of this Church, elected by God, Christ is the Protector, and strong defense. and the same Church shall be a perpetual lamp, Whereby others may come to him.’

Psalm 131:13-16 [Original Douai & Commentary]

There’s a small collection of quotations on widows and flowers you might find comforting.

Prayers…
 
Your situation is simply heartbreaking and I want you to know that I care and I will pray for all of you. As an encouragement may I suggest that you consider the experience that you have gained so far in life caring for your ill husband and your handicapped child. Some of what you have been doing could possibly be translated into a job when you need to get one. I will pray that God will lead and guide you to a job when that time comes. Please let the people of your parish know how you feel and what is going on, my experience has proven to me time after time that all you have to do is ask and the help pours in.
 
My brother died suddenly at tge age of 33. He left behind a 28 year old widow and a 3 year olg boy. She has been raising their son alone now for 3 years. It’s been horribly hard on all of us, but she has dine so well. She is our inspiration.

I cannot begin to comprehend your pain. I will pray
 
I am so sorry for your suffering.

Are you in a support group for families/spouses of terminally ill? This may be very beneficial to you.

You have more skills than you think. I assume you have taken care of a home for decades? If you are in a urban area, it might be easier to find employment as a housekeeper.

If there are local women’s clubs, or KOC, or something like that, they may be able to provide you with a scholarship to return to school. A women’s club in my town gives a scholarship each year to an older woman seeking to change careers. The woman who received it last year was 57 and used the scholarship for a paralegal associates degree at a local community college.

How about a medical assistant program at a local college? It’s usually a short program, and there are so many places you could work with that, and considering your financial situation, you may qualify for financial aid. You are likely familiar with the medical field if your husband is sick. I think mothers are best at this job, because they have already spent years nurturing and caring for their families.
 
It is not easy and it can be very lonely too.

I was 41, my daughters were 11 and 13 and the manner of her father’s death left the elder one emotionally impaired for years.

It can be done, and your children, especially the youngest son need you - this need helps you cope with the day-to-day stuff in many respects.

You are fortunate that you have time to say good-bye to your husband, and also to prepare yourself for the changes in your life.

I have heard it said that the death of a spouse is like breaking a bead necklace, you collect up all the beads and can restring the beads, but some are lost and you string the beads in a different pattern, but you still have a string of beads. This is a pretty accurate description, you will get your life together again, but it will be different from what it was before.

Some very excellent advice from George:
George_Stegmeir said:
With all due respect, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you can’t afford it. Please realize that you still have a few more years in which to learn how to be self supporting. I suggest that you make an appointment with your pastor and ask him to refer you to a professional counselor.
…
I would use the time you have before your benefits run out to further your education, which will enable you to better support yourself and your son. Don’t depend on anyone other than yourself.
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And from Caroline
Caroline723 said:
I am so sorry for your suffering.

Are you in a support group for families/spouses of terminally ill? This may be very beneficial to you.

You have more skills than you think. I assume you have taken care of a home for decades? If you are in a urban area, it might be easier to find employment as a housekeeper.

If there are local women’s clubs, or KOC, or something like that, they may be able to provide you with a scholarship to return to school.

How about a medical assistant program at a local college? It’s usually a short program, and there are so many places you could work with that, and considering your financial situation, you may qualify for financial aid. You are likely familiar with the medical field if your husband is sick. I think mothers are best at this job, because they have already spent years nurturing and caring for their families.
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Use this time for your farewells and also to get yourself ready for the different kind of life you will be living.
 
hey Zenith15, I am really sorry for what you are going through.
Keep having this wonderful faith, and try to do things that will help you keep your mind off these things.
In this little amount of time that you have left with your husband, let go of all these worries, let your strength in God take over. Show your husband that this will be the happiest time of your life. If you can, go out, or enjoy time with family, do whatever is necessary to make him smile. Don’t let these thoughts get to you now, be strong for your husband and children. You are strong, you will get through this for your husband.

I read this quote one day and it touched my heart, “Worry does not empty today of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength”

For your future career, you do not necessarily need an education to find a job. If you find good connections with someone that could help you that would be great. How about asking your parish priest? I see you working in a senior home, caring for the elderly.
There are so many people in church that are willing to hand in a resume once in a while for a job. Please do not be afraid of seeking help.

God is good, and he will never leave you. May God grant you the strength to carry this cross. You will be mentioned in my rosary prayers.

**"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? **-Matthew 6:25-
 
Many years ago I was a registered nurse. This was back in the early 1990’s. At that time I developed a problem with prescription painkillers. Although I have long since been in recovery from addiction, I have a felony conviction from that time period which involved trying to call in a refill on a prescription. That makes it very hard to find meaningful work. It also means that, because it was a drug related conviction, in my state, I will never be eligible for student loans, food stamps, welfare or housing benefits. If I were a murderer or rapist, yes–but not for a drug conviction. I am not saying I want to rely upon those things–only that they are not options for me at any rate.

I also have a very poor credit rating. This is due to many medical issues I have that I have been unable to afford care for, due to not having insurance, and my husband’s disability payments put us over the limit in our state for medicaid eligibility, and I am not eligible due to medical issues for a private policy. These two things limit gravely my ability to find any work, much less work than can support two people. Even Wal Mart told me they would not hire me due to my low credit score.

My child right now is going through an extremely difficult period and is impossible to manage–he will not obey anyone, will not take care of himself (i.e., bathe, brush teeth, etc) without an exhausting major struggle that lasts hours, and steals food after having eaten all his and then some, and money from us so that we have nothing and have to literally lock up our food, medicine and money in a safe. The doctor feels he needs (name removed by moderator)atient care–as do we–but again due to lack of insurance, the only option is to have the state take custody and place him in a residential facility far away from our home (over 100 miles), where he would not see his father again, and there are also financial considerations with that which would leave us almost literally penniliess. I have to be able to transport my husband back and forth to a cancer hospital in a town almost 300 miles away the other direction as well as here locally and cannot work while he needs such frequent care and transport.

I am not looking for sympathy and I’m sorry that you feel I am “feeling sorry for myself”. We just found this out a little over a month ago. I have no family members to help me. I am frightened and scared. I am unable to work standing up for more than 15 to 20 minutes at a time due to my own medical condition. I hope perhaps when the time comes someone at church may know of a job for me but I cannot count upon that, and at any rate, I doubt it would make enough for me to live on and care for my son. Minimum wage doesn’t go very far and my son cannot be left alone for long periods.

Mainly I was just wondering if there might be anyone here who had a similar situation–just someone to make me feel not so alone. I know many have lost spouses to death–I just meant someone closer to my age or perhaps with kids still at home or income issues. That’s all. I am not looking for pity.
 
A family friend was in the same situation … she went to many employment agencies … she just kept visiting them until she got a job …

She ended up visiting 12 … she would have visited more … six were of no help. The other six treated her like a queen and found her a good job. They can also help you find any skills training that you might need.

Check your local newspaper.

They will help with resume and other things.

They do not charge you a fee. If one wants a fee, say thank you and just leave.

So, when you’re ready, just start visiting every agency you can reach. Just walk in. Some will not be helpful, but some will be great.
 
I was widowed at 33, my husband was 37. I was pregnant with our 5th child. It is very difficult to be a young widow, it is a strange place to be. I am so sorry you are going through this! But the fact that you posted here, and that you are active in your parish shows that you have that willingness to reach out and find help - that will be your strength! People do want to help - don’t be alone. Also, I joined a support group for young widows at some point, and that really helped. I don’t know that I handled it that well, but I am still here, and I am not in grief anymore, so there is always hope. My love and prayers are going up for you!
 
I was a widow at age 24. Our sons were 3 and 8 months when their father died. I had to make huge changes like move houses, learn how to drive, deal with my husband’s business affairs.

I was scared. I didn’t know what the future would hold. The 1st 6 months I was too busy to grieve, then it hit me, and I grieved intensely for the following 6 months. I cried and cried and cried. I was also broke. It was a real struggle.

Then I started to feel better and just really thanked God for my children. I met someone new ( big mistake-way too soon) and then 6 months later my youngest son died. So by age 25 I had buried my husband and baby.

I ended up breaking up with that guy, turned to the Church, survived, prayed, coped, and also thought What is my Vocation? Well, even if you’re a widow, your vocation is still married life if you have children. So, my advice is this:
  • Enjoy the precious time you have left with your husband
  • Thank God for your children
  • Stay busy, but not too busy.
  • Pray to Our Lady, Queen of Sorrows
  • See friends
  • Pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance in all you do
  • Try to receive the Sacraments regularly
  • Don’t avoid grieving-you have to go through it
  • Don’t make any drastic changes to your life for at least a year
  • Get Pastoral Care from your priest
  • Do things you enjoy, like reading or watching funny movies
  • Keep praying to the Blessed Trinity
  • Enjoy your children
  • Be honest with people about what you want and don’t want
  • Keep posting here, it’s a great support
  • In a year or so, consider doing a course in something you enjoy
You will get through it, but it won’t be easy. God Bless.
 
Here is a once-a-day prayer that works:

“Lord, I can’t do this; You do it.”
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. It is a tough situation.
I am not a widow, but my mom was a widow at age 30 (my dad was 31, died of cancer as well). There are 4 of us kids, and we were ages 1 thru 7. She says the first year was a blur for her. I was 3, and I don’t remember those days. We are all well now, my mom is doing well, very busy with life, my siblings are doing well. We do still miss our dad, but we know God has plans we don’t always understand, and are happy with life.
Give your crosses to God. He won’t give you more than you can handle with His help. Ask Him to help you. To give you peace, to feel His love, to help your husband in his last days, help him in these days so he can peacefully go on to meet his Creator and enjoy eternal Happiness. Ask God to help you with your son. Let Him know that you are carrying these crosses He has given you, but that you need His help. He is a loving Father that wants to help us be closer to Him. We need to ask Him to help us do so.
 
emat321 said:
I was widowed at 33, my husband was 37. I was pregnant with our 5th child. It is very difficult to be a young widow, it is a strange place to be. I am so sorry you are going through this! But the fact that you posted here, and that you are active in your parish shows that you have that willingness to reach out and find help - that will be your strength! People do want to help - don’t be alone. Also, I joined a support group for young widows at some point, and that really helped. I don’t know that I handled it that well, but I am still here, and I am not in grief anymore, so there is always hope. My love and prayers are going up for you!
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Thank you so much. I have contacted “Livestrong”, Lance Armstrong’s cancer foundation, which despite the scandal surrounding Armstrong himself, is a good foundation. They are also local. They supposedly have many support groups so maybe I will find something there. All my parish has is a group for divorced persons, one for single parents, and a bereavement group that broke up because not enough people came. I went to two meetings and they called to let me know there would not be any more due to lack of interest. I just feel so alone and so…“unusual” I guess. Everywhere I look there are couples and kids, middle aged couples, elderly couples–but so few alone. :imsorry:
 
EmilyCatholic said:
I was a widow at age 24. Our sons were 3 and 8 months when their father died. I had to make huge changes like move houses, learn how to drive, deal with my husband’s business affairs.

I was scared. I didn’t know what the future would hold. The 1st 6 months I was too busy to grieve, then it hit me, and I grieved intensely for the following 6 months. I cried and cried and cried. I was also broke. It was a real struggle.

Then I started to feel better and just really thanked God for my children. I met someone new ( big mistake-way too soon) and then 6 months later my youngest son died. So by age 25 I had buried my husband and baby.

I ended up breaking up with that guy, turned to the Church, survived, prayed, coped, and also thought What is my Vocation? Well, even if you’re a widow, your vocation is still married life if you have children. So, my advice is this:
  • Enjoy the precious time you have left with your husband
  • Thank God for your children
  • Stay busy, but not too busy.
  • Pray to Our Lady, Queen of Sorrows
  • See friends
  • Pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance in all you do
  • Try to receive the Sacraments regularly
  • Don’t avoid grieving-you have to go through it
  • Don’t make any drastic changes to your life for at least a year
  • Get Pastoral Care from your priest
  • Do things you enjoy, like reading or watching funny movies
  • Keep praying to the Blessed Trinity
  • Enjoy your children
  • Be honest with people about what you want and don’t want
  • Keep posting here, it’s a great support
  • In a year or so, consider doing a course in something you enjoy
You will get through it, but it won’t be easy. God Bless.
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Thank you for your touching and very helpful post with many good, practical ideas. I am so sorry for your loss, and the losses of others in the thread who have mentioned losing loved ones. I think I will print your post out and put it where I can see it daily. Thank you so much for your reply.
 
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