Your daughter is having an abortion

[BlueEyedLady]

The thread about the married daughter on the pill prompted some posters to compare that to a daughter having an abortion which prompted my question: What would you say or do if your adult daughter (or DIL) confided in you that she was going to have an abortion? What do you feel your moral obligation would be? Would you ever be able to fully forgive her?

What if it was because of Down’s Syndrome or for sex selection? What if they didn’t want kids or at least not want one right now/another one?

 

[Bezant]

The thread about the married daughter on the pill prompted some posters to compare that to a daughter having an abortion which prompted my question: What would you say or do if your adult daughter (or DIL) confided in you that she was going to have an abortion? What do you feel your moral obligation would be? Would you ever be able to fully forgive her?

What if it was because of Down’s Syndrome or for sex selection? What if they didn’t want kids or at least not want one right now/another one?

While I’m far from becoming a father, let alone to adult children, I hope that I will never have this conversation. When asked what he would do if one of his daughters had a child out-of-wedlock, my grandfather said he would continue to care for them. Like his, my moral obligation would be to discourage an abortion and offer whatever I could to support her and my grandkid. That support still stands if my grandkid will have a severe mental or physical handicap – and I know, from experience, how difficult that is. All of this of course is assuming she’s lacking support (financial, emotional, etc.). I would extend the same support to my daughter-in-law.

If she went ahead with an abortion anyway, it would be a long time before I forgave her, unless she showed some remorse, or psychological issues led her to chose that option. I would be less willing to forgive if she aborted because of a mental or physical handicap, and far less so if she wanted to delay childbirth or a child of another sex. If a daughter in law aborted for the last two reasons, I would probably cut her off totally.

 

[Hokomai]

I would provide facts, where I know them, and give my opinion if it was welcome. And I would assure her of my constant love and support, no matter what she does. I would also, as I do in all things, seek to expand her range of options, by offering practical support.

 

[King_Lazy]

The thread about the married daughter on the pill prompted some posters to compare that to a daughter having an abortion which prompted my question: What would you say or do if your adult daughter (or DIL) confided in you that she was going to have an abortion? What do you feel your moral obligation would be? Would you ever be able to fully forgive her?

What if it was because of Down’s Syndrome or for sex selection? What if they didn’t want kids or at least not want one right now/another one?

My mother wanted to abort me. My grandmother was strongly opposed to the abortion, and she and my grandfather pledged to support my mother in bringing me up.

My mother still wanted to go through with it. Praise God, she had a last minute change of heart when she was in the clinic, literally minutes before the procedure was due to begin, and I’m still alive and have been grateful for my life even though I’ve had a difficult childhood.

In the situation you describe, I’d follow my grandmother’s example. I would pledge support in bringing up the child and make my opposition to the abortion known, regardless if it were my daughter or daughter-in-law, as the child would be the child of my son or daughter, and therefore my grandchild.

As for the other “what if” situations, I don’t see any difference in them that would justify a different course of action.

If she went ahead with it, would I be able to forgive her? Yes. Such a decision would hurt me greatly, as it not only deprives someone of their life but undermines the value of my own life. It is, however, my duty to forgive.

 

[ZoeyBdo]

I don’t have any children yet. My husband and I have been unsuccessful for the last 2 years of marriage in conceiving a child… however, with that said…

I would probably ask her how she does she think she will feel when she does have a child to know that she killed their brother/sister.

How would she feel to have that baby in her arms, the child that she loves, and have someone kill him or her and taken away.

Harsh, but reality.

When I have children, if my child had a child out of wedlock, I would fully support her decision to have and raise the child. I think too often the problem is that people feel ashamed, and are afraid of the backlash they are going to receive for getting pregnant out wedlock and so as a result end up having an abortion… a decision that many women regret later on.

My sister was going to abort my niece. She didn’t. Thank God. She is now a teenager, and the sweetest, kindest, funniest young lady I’ve ever had the joy to know.
She’s brilliant, an honor student, and so wonderful. I can’t even tell you how awesome she is.

 

[Tenofovir]

The thread about the married daughter on the pill prompted some posters to compare that to a daughter having an abortion which prompted my question: What would you say or do if your adult daughter (or DIL) confided in you that she was going to have an abortion? What do you feel your moral obligation would be? Would you ever be able to fully forgive her?

What if it was because of Down’s Syndrome or for sex selection? What if they didn’t want kids or at least not want one right now/another one?

I’d explain why abortion is murder. I’d also explain that it’s not our way. In life we have to assume responsibility. If we’re late for work or we don’t do what our superiors at work tell us to do, our boss may fire us. If we take on loans to buy toys we can’t repay, we’ll have our goods repossessed and our credit rating will go down and when we really need a loan for a worthy purpose such as good education or buying a house, we won’t get one. If we punch a cop because we don’t like authority figures, we’ll go to prison. Likewise if we’re willing to have sex only for pleasure, we have to live with the consequences - i.e. pregnancy and labour.

I’d also provide alternatives to abortion, after going into the reasons WHY she wants an abortion? Is she afraid of being pregnant? It’s not so bad. I could offer professional advice here. Is she afraid of labour? Well unless she’s very young having a child earlier is probably better, anyway. Is she afraid of having to look after a baby? Are there financial / career worries? Is she worried about her figure?
Well perhaps the family could help? Maybe we could take much of the burden on us? If not, there is always adoption. Of course this ties in with broader teachings / philosophy of morality. Life isn’t just about what “I want” and what “makes me feel better”. Feelings are very fickle chemical reactions. They should not drive us. Objective truth should drive us, and that may not always generate pleasant feelings in the beginning, but once someone is liberated away from the consummerist/materialist/new age feel goodism/atheist nonsense, they realise they need to do what’s right, otherwise life truly is meaningless and dead. Sometimes one has to help clear those delusions (and idols) away.

Of course one should also remind her that she too was inside someone once. She too could have been aborted. She too was a temporary burden, but a burden of love. That out of even the nasty situation of a divorce or a even a rape, something good can come, a new, wonderful human being, someone she will want to give her life for, as soon as she sees him/her. One can pile on more sentimentalist stuff here.

Would I forgive? Of course. I would forgive no matter what she did. I would however hope she learned her lesson. She regrets it and has made amends, which includes religious amends.

 

[ryecroft]

First, I’d want to know why you even know this information. I can’t imagine even a daughter going to a mother (or as was mentioned as a possibility a MIL if married) and telling her “I’m pregnant but going to have an abortion”- not saying this means she gets to justify doing anything just asking - why on earth would any daughter go tell a Catholic mother or father she knows would object? If she purposfully went out of her way to tell her (no prompting or questions - not that those would be proper to be asked) - I would first wonder what her point of telling me was and I would ask - then I would offer to help do whatever if she were to continue the pregnancy - I’m sorry but throwing theological or talking about throwing off the chains of consumerism and materialism I don’t honestly believe would help the situation at all. Offering help would be the only way (prayers as well) - but there really isn’t anything you can do unless she’s coming to you asking for money - again can’t imagine this happening with a very Catholic mother. If it did happen anyway, if you truly believe that abortion is killing a full fledged human, then you would believe she just killed her daughter or son - then how could you do anything less than forgive her. She may one day have a problem with what she’d done (she may not ever have a problem either and view this as an answer to her ‘problem’ - I think on here more would have a problem with the latter than with the former)- if she did ever have negative feelings about what she’d done do you think she’s likely to come to someone who condemned her and recited to her Catholic doctorine and told her how she needed to realize she was condemning herself to hell or do you think she’s more likely to come to a loving parent who says ‘I don’t agree with what you did but I love you no matter what - if you ever need to talk about this I’ll be here…’ - what good will not forgiving do either of you?
God Bless
Rye

 

[King_Lazy]

First, I’d want to know why you even know this information. I can’t imagine even a daughter going to a mother (or as was mentioned as a possibility a MIL if married) and telling her “I’m pregnant but going to have an abortion”- not saying this means she gets to justify doing anything just asking - why on earth would any daughter go tell a Catholic mother or father she knows would object?

Well, I don’t know why. Sure, it’s hard to imagine why people might tell others some things that we would prefer to keep secret. But it sure does happen. Maybe some people are quite honest and open about their intentions, regardless of other people’s opinions. My mother told my Christian grandmother she was pregnant and that she wasn’t sure if she was going to keep “it” (me). This whole thing was never kept secret from me either when I was a child - why on earth would my mother tell me that she wanted to abort me when I was a young boy? God only knows, but that’s probably the reason why, before I was Catholic, I was the most pro-life atheist there ever was.

 

[Marybeloved]

The thread about the married daughter on the pill prompted some posters to compare that to a daughter having an abortion which prompted my question: What would you say or do if your adult daughter (or DIL) confided in you that she was going to have an abortion? What do you feel your moral obligation would be? Would you ever be able to fully forgive her?

I don’t know about forgiving her because, technically, it’s directly a sin against God and the child, not me. I suppose loosing your grandchild would prompt hard feelings, but I think personally, I would not have a difficult time, in the long run, letting it go. But morally speaking, my obligation would be to let her know that abortion really was not an option in God’s eyes- AT ALL. It’d be my obligation to offer all my love and support and assure her of my total support and that we are in it together, through thick and thin. I know a girl that did not abort, ONLY because those around her were steadfast in support- And when she gave birth, it was not a lie. She really was not alone.

What if it was because of Down’s Syndrome or for sex selection? What if they didn’t want kids or at least not want one right now/another one?

None of these are good reasons to destroy your child. I would feel it my obligation to let my child and daughter in-law know this fully. Just as we would not kill our baby after birth, having discovered down syndrome or “wrong” sex or for any of these reasons you gave, we cannot kill our child in our womb for these reasons just the same.

 

[etmom]

I volunteer to talk with women facing a poor prenatal diagnosis, having been through the situation myself. I will say the the pressure to terminate due to fetal abnormality is intense from the medical profession, even when you clearly state that it is contrary to your strongly held beliefs and will not consider it.

For these couples, their families already know that they are pregnant. They want a child, many have planned their pregnancies. Many are reluctant to tell their families that they are considering termination, or that they have chosen termination, due to the families religious beliefs (pro-life, very Catholic, etc).

What I have been very surprised and disheartened that the majority of the Catholic parents, once informed, support the decision to terminate. As if they are prolife for other people, but when their own daughter is faced with having a child with Down Syndrome, or other medical condition, suddenly everything changes. They are often asked “well, you have to consider who will take care of them when they are older” or “it would be unfair to your existing children, and likely burden them with the lifelong care of a sibling” “you have to think of the financial impact to your family”. Or, in the case of a anomaly that is incompatible with life, that it is OK to terminate the child because they will die anyways and it will be “hard” to carry a child with a terminal diagnosis.

Families who don’t outright support the decision won’t oppose it either, as in “whatever you decide, we will support”. There are a few women who KNOW their families won’t support their decision, they tend to chose telling their families that they “lost” the baby through miscarriage when they chose termination.

What would I tell my daughter? The all life is precious, and that this is not their “choice” to make. That I understand the overwhelming fear that is present when you receive such a diagnosis. I have felt it myself personally. While I never for a moment considered termination, I know the fear that causes women to do so. That this child is created in God’s own image and likeness. That God will give you every grace you need, when you need it. He has not abandoned you. That if they felt they really could not raise a child with __________ condition, that adoption is a good option (something the dr’s urging termination never mention) - there are over 200 families in the US who are waiting right now to adopt a child with Down Syndrome, for example. That this child will bless your life in ways you never could imagine. That life, ALL life, has meaning and value, regardless of how long it is, or how “productive” it is. And that I will support her in whatever way possible. Have her meet other families who have been in a similiar circumstance, with the same diagnosis, who have traveled the same road.

It would be very difficult for me if she chose termination anyways. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it.

 

[Marybeloved]

What would I tell my daughter? The all life is precious, and that this is not their “choice” to make. That I understand the overwhelming fear that is present when you receive such a diagnosis. I have felt it myself personally. While I never for a moment considered termination, I know the fear that causes women to do so. That this child is created in God’s own image and likeness. That God will give you every grace you need, when you need it. He has not abandoned you. That if they felt they really could not raise a child with __________ condition, that adoption is a good option (something the dr’s urging termination never mention) - there are over 200 families in the US who are waiting right now to adopt a child with Down Syndrome, for example. That this child will bless your life in ways you never could imagine. That life, ALL life, has meaning and value, regardless of how long it is, or how “productive” it is. And that I will support her in whatever way possible. Have her meet other families who have been in a similiar circumstance, with the same diagnosis, who have traveled the same road.

It would be very difficult for me if she chose termination anyways. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it.

Etmom…What a beautiful post you’ve written for us there! Has me close to tears. While I’m sorry that your child suffers/has suffered some form of illness as you hint at in your post, I do feel the love, joy and blessings that you’ve shared between you through your post. I have an ill and dependant relative (father) and much of what you say resonates deeply.

What a beautiful example you are! God bless you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If a daughter in law aborted for the last two reasons, I would probably cut her off totally.

Why would the DIL get harsher treatment than a daughter? In cutting her off you would also be cutting off your son, if he is a man of honor who stands by his wife first and foremost.

Besides, presumably she and your son made the decision together.

 

[etmom]

Besides, presumably she and your son made the decision together.

It is not uncommon for parents to not be completely on the same page when it comes to termination, especially for what is called “medical reasons”. There are men who want continue the pregnancy, but defer to the woman, as she is the one carrying the baby and may be more involved in the day to day care of a disabled infant. Or a woman who feels she has no choice because her husband is firmly opposed to carrying to term. People who think they are terminating for the well being of their family can be very surprised that it easily tear their marriage and family apart.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

My stepdaughters are going to be 11 next month. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about their approaching menarche and of the possibility, and please God, please make this is a remote possibility, that in four or five or six years one of them will come to me and say, “Luna, I’m pregnant.”

Just typing that makes my innards watery.

And if they add, “…and I want to get an abortion,” what in the world am I going to do? How will I react? What would I say? What would I not say?

I don’t have clue one.

What would I do if I were on a plane that was going to crash? If you would have asked me that 15 years ago, I would have given you some pretty specific actions, and I would have spoken with certainty: I’d pray; I’d humbly ask God for forgiveness of my sins; I’d cry; I’d bargain with God; I’d remember good times; I’d mourn for things that were never to be.

In the summer of 1999 I was on a Detroit-bound flight from Tokyo. A few minutes after we took off, before we reached cruising altitude, the plane developed a mechanical issue. We needed to go back to Narita, but there were two problems. One was that we weren’t high enough to begin a safe landing maneuver, and the other was that the plane was carrying too much jet fuel to land without “turning us into a giant fireball” in the captain’s words.The captain announced he was going to get the plane as high as possible, he was going to start dumping fuel, and to do both we needed to be out over the Pacific.

For three hours we arched in giant circles just off the Japanese coastline. Sometimes we could feel the plane struggling to gain altitude. Sometimes we lost altitude quite dramatically. Sometimes the pilot turned off the engines, and the 747 became a gigantic hand glider over the Pacific. Sometimes we felt big jolts and bumps as jet fuel compartments opened and closed. Sometimes we got so low that from my window seat it seemed as if the wing was going to hit the water.

During this time did I pray? No. Did I ask God to forgive me? No. Did I cry? No. Did I panic? No. Did I bargain with God? No. Did I remember highlights of my life and think about what I would never get to do? No.

So what did I do? I silently joined hands with the man sitting next to me. We never spoke, not a word. I have no idea what he looked like, if he was young or old, western or Asian, but I studied his hand with mine, felt its callouses and smooth fingernails, craved and took comfort in its warm, soft humanity. And I studied the duct tape someone had stuck along the toilet wall, up where that wall met the plane’s ceiling. For three hours I studied a stranger’s hand and a strip of duct tape. No tears. No begging. No praying. No bargaining. No regrets.

So what would I do if my stepdaughter told me she wanted an abortion? I have no idea, and I know there’s really no use in speculating because the way I think I might react would likely bear no resemblance to what I’d actually say or do.

But I do know that, like being a passenger on a plane that might go down, it’s something I never, ever want to face. Putting “stepdaughter” and “abortion” in the same sentence makes me want to cover my ears and go la-la-la-la-la. Does that make me a coward? Absolutely. But I’d rather wear the mantle of a coward than carry the cross of a stepmother facing that.

Luna

 

[FullOfThought]

I’d chain her up in my basement. Not forever, just until she delivered.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t have a daughter, but my son was engaging in premarital intercourse with a young woman. I wanted to rip him limb from limb, honestly. It would break my heart in tiny pieces if I knew that anyone near me was even considering an abortion. I told him many times, “If something happened, you might not even KNOW that your GF had an abortion. She might not tell you, afraid that you would try to talk her out of it.”

Your title says, “Your daughter is HAVING an abortion.” If she were deciding on an abortion, I would tell her that she has now given up any choice she formerly had. That the life within her is to be protected and brought into the world, regardless of what else she thought her own plans were. When she had sexual intercourse, she was telling God, “Yes, I am ready to bring life into the world.” God honored that, and created a life.

If she had decided to have an abortion…And either told me with her mind made up, or God forbid, after it had been done, I would be, as I said, absolutely devastated. I’m sure I’d need grief counseling at least. It would probably take a lot of spiritual direction for me to refrain from making matters worse by expelling her from the family, shunning her, punishing her for killing my grandchild. I’m not saying that I would, but I know my human failings, and I would be so hurt and angry…If she was contrite, also emotionally wounded, then I probably would be able to have pity on her.

If it was because of the baby not being perfect, I would wonder what kind of monster I had raised. I would question my own motherhood, and probably wonder if she is a sociopath, to believe that killing the imperfect among us is a solution to a “problem.” With sex selection, perhaps even a level worse than that, because then, there would not even exist a pseudo-medical reason to abort, just a personal preference like preferring vanilla over strawberry ice cream.

Forgiveness is not really mine to offer, because her sin is against God. I would still love her, I know that, because nothing our children can do can cause us not to love them. I would try to help her. I would be so sad for her, for the baby’s father, and most of all, for my grandchild, whom I won’t get to hold on this earth.

A very sad question to contemplate.

 

[monicatholic]

Years ago my ( then and still now) wayward son brought his girlfriend to our house from her home in another state.

We had never met her before. She was 4 months pregnant. Two things were happening. She was considering an abortion, though she was opposed to abortion. And two, they were considering adoption in a situation over which they couldn’t quite p(name removed by moderator)oint their uneasiness.

My husband and I said, " please. Stay here three weeks. Let us feed you and love you and get you decent medical care and pregnancy counselling and pray for you."

They did. Immediately she gave up the idea of abortion. ( my son said he expected that. He thought she just needed someone to support her and she’d choose LIFE. He was right about that.

He was also right about his unease over the potential adoption situation. When we heard the circumstances, my husband and I were so alarmed. We privately decided that our son and his girlfriend were getting tangled up in what was essentially a baby- buying transaction, though no money had changed hands.

When girl and son informed potential adoptive father ( via phone) they were rethinking everything, the man went berserk. He called and yelled and threatened for two days. He said, “we had a deal!” Finally my husband intervened and the man stopped calling.

She lived with us five months of pregnancy. I was with her when my grandson was born. They chose adoption through a reputable agency. They chose the most loving and marvelous couple to parent their precious son.

Girlfriend came back to live for a about 7 weeks post partum. It was a hard, sad time. She grieved her baby but she never regretted her decision. Her biggest regret was that my son was an unreliable boyfriend. She wanted him to be committed and faithful and concerned for her. He wasn’t.

We found a nice place for her to live nearby, supported by a church community – people who were so interested in her welfare. We helped her get into community college. We gave her a car ( with the specific agreement that she wouldn’t give it to our son.)

She stayed for a while then went back to her home.

 

[monicatholic]

Btw. None of my kids would come to me and say " we’re aborting because of Down syndrome."

Theyre all deeply devoted to their sister Naomi. That her Ds makes so many babies expendable is a horror to all of us.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wow, Monica, thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with us. What a difficult situation you all were in…I would pray to have the kind of grace that you showed to that young woman…Unfortunately there are some in my life who might secretly counsel such a girl to have the abortion…

 

[etmom]

Btw. None of my kids would come to me and say " we’re aborting because of Down syndrome."

Theyre all deeply devoted to their sister Naomi. That her Ds makes so many babies expendable is a horror to all of us.