Your kid getting bullied at school

[RosslynV]

How should this situation be properly handled? The media has been covering this quite a bit lately. I’m sure its been covered here already. Actually, as a new comer here, I am hoping that some of my questions have been original.

Back in my day when I was a kid, things were settled on the playground. I’ve been in a few fights as a kid. Wasn’t bullied after “winning” a playground tussle. I’m not saying we should encourage our kids to fight it out. Times have changed.

I would have a talk with the bully’s folks. Also would have a talk with school administrator or teacher.

Anyway, sad that this is a problem in today’s schools.

 

[crystal_waters]

How should this situation be properly handled? The media has been covering this quite a bit lately. I’m sure its been covered here already. Actually, as a new comer here, I am hoping that some of my questions have been original.

Back in my day when I was a kid, things were settled on the playground. I’ve been in a few fights as a kid. Wasn’t bullied after “winning” a playground tussle. I’m not saying we should encourage our kids to fight it out. Times have changed.

I would have a talk with the bully’s folks. Also would have a talk with school administrator or teacher.

Anyway, sad that this is a problem in today’s schools.

It depends what kind of bullying is taking place to what action you should take eg talk to school/bullys parents etc…if there is physical violence it may be time to involve the police…if i was the bullied childs parent and the bullying wasnt stoping id pull my child out of that school and either homeschool him/her or send him/her to a different school…

 

[Demetra2]

It depends what kind of bullying is taking place to what action you should take eg talk to school/bullys parents etc…if there is physical violence it may be time to involve the police…if i was the bullied childs parent and the bullying wasnt stoping id pull my child out of that school and either homeschool him/her or send him/her to a different school…

Good advice here. Often times neither the school or the parents of the bully are of much help. Switching schools or homeschooling can be a great relief to a bullied child.

 

[pensmama87]

Part of the problem with bullying is that the victim often feels that he or she cannot tell, because there’s a huge amount of shame associated with it. I was bullied constantly throughout school (I moved a lot, usually to a place where people spoke differently, I had weight issues, I wore glasses, I was a “smart kid”). The first time I was bullied, I told my teacher just like I was supposed to - and promptly got in trouble for tattling. When I asked at home what tattling was, because I didn’t know the word, I was told to always listen to my teacher. This was in kindergarten.

So, I never bothered telling anyone about being bullied. And it continued until I graduated from high school. I’m not sure what they teach now, but when I was in school “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me” was BIG. It’s also a big pile of doggy do. Words can and do hurt. Perpetuating that message just makes sensitive children feel like there’s something wrong with them because they are hurt when other people try to hurt them, and that’s crazy.

I think as parents we need to teach our children how to cope in a healthy way. Telling a child to “toughen up” or “ignore it” or “just get over it” just perpetuates the shame that children feel without giving them a way to handle it. There is nothing wrong with having a sensitive personality - it just has its challenges (in addition to its benefits, which I think are often ignored). Learning positive coping behavior while young is essential - a lot of addictions start as coping behaviors, and a lot of people develop codependent traits to try and please the people who continually hurt them because they don’t see any other way to live.

Of course, this doesn’t ignore reporting the behavior and trying to make it stop, because a person who gets away with bullying will continue to do it. I know lots of adult bullies - though thankfully I’m better prepared to deal with them now than I was in my childhood. But we can’t control what other people say or do, so we need to encourage our children to develop healthy ways of managing that pain when others try to inflict it on them. And of course, if the environment is toxic and proper authorities (teachers, principals, etc.) don’t respond, you remove your child from that environment. That’s not weak or “losing” - it’s refusing to allow your child to remain in an abusive environment.

 

[Jay82]

Good advice here. Often times neither the school or the parents of the bully are of much help. Switching schools or homeschooling can be a great relief to a bullied child.

It depends what kind of bullying is taking place to what action you should take eg talk to school/bullys parents etc…if there is physical violence it may be time to involve the police…if i was the bullied childs parent and the bullying wasnt stoping id pull my child out of that school and either homeschool him/her or send him/her to a different school…

I think it would have to be really extreme to remove the child from the school. A last resort after other measures were unsuccessful in resolving the conflict. I think it would send the wrong message to the child otherwise in that you can run from problems or challenges and not face them head on and figure out a resolution.

How should this situation be properly handled? The media has been covering this quite a bit lately. I’m sure its been covered here already. Actually, as a new comer here, I am hoping that some of my questions have been original.

Back in my day when I was a kid, things were settled on the playground. I’ve been in a few fights as a kid. Wasn’t bullied after “winning” a playground tussle. I’m not saying we should encourage our kids to fight it out. Times have changed.

I am not sure how old you are, but when I was growing up it was pretty much the same way. Teachers were rarely involved, but I did tell a teacher discreetly about another kid that was being bullied so something could be done.

Never the less, there were only a couple instances where older kids attempted to bully me growing up and I stood up for myself / fought back (but not an actual fight). They stopped rather quickly and never bothered me again. That being said, if they continued, I was fully prepared to defend myself or stand up for myself. Bullies are generally weak or have some sort of insecurity. When someone stands up to them, they usually will back down after their initial displays of “toughness” do not have the effect they are looking to achieve.

As I got older, I have intervened or called out a “bully” when I would witness them doing something to another individual. It was a calculated risk, but they have always backed down.

That being said, I never advocate fighting or violence to resolve bullying issues unless you have to protect yourself. Talking with the teachers or school administrators may help reduce it from happening. Talking with the bully’s parent may not go over well as it will just enrage the bully more.

 

[St_Francis]

I think it would have to be really extreme to remove the child from the school. A last resort after other measures were unsuccessful in resolving the conflict. I think it would send the wrong message to the child otherwise in that you can run from problems or challenges and not face them head on and figure out a resolution.

I don’t think that removal in the case of serious bullying is a bad thing, esp if explained correctly to the child. How many adults have switched jobs because of the bad work environment (bullying included)?

Not all schools are handling bullying in a good way–partly because their hands are tied.

I am not sure how old you are, but when I was growing up it was pretty much the same way. Teachers were rarely involved, but I did tell a teacher discreetly about another kid that was being bullied so something could be done.

Never the less, there were only a couple instances where older kids attempted to bully me growing up and I stood up for myself / fought back (but not an actual fight). They stopped rather quickly and never bothered me again. That being said, if they continued, I was fully prepared to defend myself or stand up for myself. Bullies are generally weak or have some sort of insecurity. When someone stands up to them, they usually will back down after their initial displays of “toughness” do not have the effect they are looking to achieve.

As I got older, I have intervened or called out a “bully” when I would witness them doing something to another individual. It was a calculated risk, but they have always backed down.

That being said, I never advocate fighting or violence to resolve bullying issues unless you have to protect yourself. Talking with the teachers or school administrators may help reduce it from happening. Talking with the bully’s parent may not go over well as it will just enrage the bully more.

Obviously you were not a sensitive child People have different strengths…

 

[Jay82]

I don’t think that removal in the case of serious bullying is a bad thing, esp if explained correctly to the child. How many adults have switched jobs because of the bad work environment (bullying included)?

Not all schools are handling bullying in a good way–partly because their hands are tied.

Obviously you were not a sensitive child People have different strengths…

I think switching schools is a viable option, but I think other avenues should be explored first and if they all do not work out, then yes, switching schools is probably best. Same would apply for jobs, try to resolve the issue, if it isn’t possible, then find a new job.

I guess what it comes down to is that all kids are different and handle/react to situations differently. It is important to know what they are comfortable with and figure out an approach that works best for them to make sure they have a healthy and happy childhood.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I’ve taught my children how to defend themselves and they have my blessing to stand up for themselves. I’m willing to take any heat for their actions. It’s something that I wish my dad would have done for me, because I was constantly bullied in school and it never stopped until I knocked someone’s teeth out.

 

[travissbeloved]

I understand that some kids are bullied mercilessly and it can really affect them but when I went into 6th grade some of the kids started bullying me and I immediately developed a really tough skin. A couple smart-*** come backs and a tough attitude can go a long way. I like to think of it as I never “allowed” anyone to bully me because I demanded more respect than that. Of course I’m a girl too so physically fighting wasn’t really something that was going to happen. I just didn’t let any of those snotty popular girls get to me. Sometimes confrontation is exactly what a bully needs to realize they can’t act like that.

 

[captainrick]

I’ve taught my children how to defend themselves and they have my blessing to stand up for themselves. I’m willing to take any heat for their actions. It’s something that I wish my dad would have done for me, because I was constantly bullied in school and it never stopped until I knocked someone’s teeth out.

I was bullied (knocked down, beat up, etc) a LOT when I was in grade school and junior high school. I then learned to fight back. After severely pounding a few of the bullies, everyone learned to leave me alone.

By the way, I didn’t react by wearing all black clothing or plotting to shoot up the school. All I did was fight back. neither my parents nor the police became involved (though if the bullying was more severe, that would be a different story).

 

[Jeanne_S]

Good advice here. Often times neither the school or the parents of the bully are of much help. Switching schools or homeschooling can be a great relief to a bullied child.

Agree.Our middle daughter was being bullied through middle school,by a former best friend and her groupies.
We pulled her out of public school,put her in a Catholic school,she was much happier.
She is now 37 and told me how grateful she was to be away from the bullying.If not for the change,she said she might have offed herself…

 

[altms]

In this part of the world, bullying isn’t taken seriously (although all schools have rules banning bullying, with the threat of expulsion).

I once went to a school where I got bullied a lot. I was short, young and kinda effeminate. It really harmed my self-esteem. Never wanted to return after holidays. At the end of the year, I told my parents I wanted a transfer, I told them I was being bullied. That wasn’t BIG news to them, the main reason they agreed to transfer me was for me to do a science combination, that the school wouldn’t let me do.

So that was a way to solve the problem. I also quit my previous job last year, that being one of the reasons. I also started playing volleyball last year, again bullies made me quit the sport.

In recent years that I’ve all grown big and strong, I did stand up to the bullies (ironically some of them from that old school, we met in another one!) This time I reacted and they never bothered me again.

So tell a child to always be open about bullying, not to be ashamed. You can also give him a probable list of words or activities that he might be told/ordered to do, and that if another kid bothers him, he should report him.

But remember, a child deserves to study at a place where he’s at peace. That will bring the best outta him. So if a transfer would be the best decision, I’d do it.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I was bullied (knocked down, beat up, etc) a LOT when I was in grade school and junior high school. I then learned to fight back. After severely pounding a few of the bullies, everyone learned to leave me alone.

By the way, I didn’t react by wearing all black clothing or plotting to shoot up the school. All I did was fight back. neither my parents nor the police became involved (though if the bullying was more severe, that would be a different story).

Interesting. What of the kids who are not able to beat a bully up? If they “win” a fight they are free to not be bullied? What if they lose all the fights. What if they get seriously hurt?

This stand up to a bully and they will leave you alone mentality is rarely true. And sadly in today’s world it can lead to worse things than just a couple of fights in the schoolyard.

.

After severely pounding a few of the bullies, everyone learned to leave me alone.

Sounds to me like you became the toughest bully.

 

[CarolNoel]

When I was in first grade, some kids decided to pick on me. Some boys and girls.

I finally solved the problem by keeping my school books in my Hopalong Cassidy lunch box and wacked them over the head with it.

Didn’t take long before the message was out to not mess with me, and some of the other kids that were picked on would come running to my side for protection when they started with them. I was all of six years old.

More to the story, but would take too long, but it is funny.

 

[Captain_America]

How should this situation be properly handled? The media has been covering this quite a bit lately. I’m sure its been covered here already. Actually, as a new comer here, I am hoping that some of my questions have been original.

Back in my day when I was a kid, things were settled on the playground. I’ve been in a few fights as a kid. Wasn’t bullied after “winning” a playground tussle. I’m not saying we should encourage our kids to fight it out. Times have changed.

I would have a talk with the bully’s folks. Also would have a talk with school administrator or teacher.

Anyway, sad that this is a problem in today’s schools.

Handling it ourselves was the way we kids did it. There’s some merit to this. Per my moniker here, I was the playground justice dispenser at times, so I’d try to handle a bully on behalf of the persecuted. I got good at it, actually.

 

[Captain_America]

I suspect that the current “anti-bully stuff” is actually

(a) a bit of pop psychology

(b) a part of power grab by educationalists,

(c) a strong effort by sodomites to exercise thought control,

(d) likely to fail, since humans are humans, and bullies are endemic to human society. Even amongst adults.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Interesting. What of the kids who are not able to beat a bully up? If they “win” a fight they are free to not be bullied? What if they lose all the fights. What if they get seriously hurt?

This stand up to a bully and they will leave you alone mentality is rarely true. And sadly in today’s world it can lead to worse things than just a couple of fights in the schoolyard.

.

Sounds to me like you became the toughest bully.

Growing up, I was always the 2nd or 3rd shortest boy in the class. From kindergarten to 8th grade. On top of which, I was shy, skinny and nerdy-looking. The classic victim. But in my favor, I was a good athlete and I always fought back. Sure I lost most of my fights. Had a few black eyes, bloody noses and some nice contusions to show for it. The bullying never lasted; they tended to move on to easier targets. Don’t remember ever getting physically bullied after 5th grade or so though I got some verbal bullying in high school. I fought back against that as well and they learned to leave me alone.

Dunno what you mean by “is rarely true”. That “rarely true” was definitely not my experience. It was understood when I was growing up that one dealt with this on the playground and didn’t get the adults involved unless it was extreme. And the kids, both the bullied and bullies grew up. I became really good friends with a former bully, for instance. Which grew out of the respect he gained for me out of my fighting back. Not all stories end like that, I know. But I’d be careful throwing around phrases like “fighting back rarely works”.

For boys, it’s about developing a backbone. One of the big lessons in life is learning to stand up for oneself. A man who cannot stand up for himself cannot stand up for his wife and his children. That lesson has carried me throughout my life. It also led me to develop a sense of compassion for the little guy, the underdog, the smaller kid, the nerd, the shy, etc. Because I was once one of those and it’s part of who I am today.

 

[EasterJoy]

Although schools rarely tolerate physical bullying any more, covert and relational bullying is rampant and very difficult to identify and stop. It can take the form of subtle things like a group turning their back on a student they don’t want to include, spreading false rumors that cannot be traced, marginalizing the student by ignoring their social bids or rejecting them with pointedly faint acceptance, making a point of talking about social outings out of school that did not include the marginalized student, and so on.

Bullying can also take the form of “befriending” in a systematically demeaning way, such as electing one student to be the “good sport” who can “always take a joke”. These are jokes that “everyone gets”, but that some students get in the lion’s share. If they object to the harassment, they get blamed or teased for not wanting to be the victim, as if this makes them somehow anti-social…the “well, people can’t help but tease you, because you always give them a good reaction.” Great theory, if putting up with the put-downs did a thing to stop them. Putting up with the put-downs in used as evidence that the victim is “OK” with it, so the victim is in a real Catch-22. This may have been the situation in the Jonathan Martin case in Miami (the Dolphins); it is even possible that Martin’s tormentor did not realize how painful his insensitivity was to his victim, or even that his victim was a victim. It is possible for bullying to come out of clueless and self-centered bids to be the center of attention, in adulthood as well as in childhood!

Relational aggression such as spreading false rumors is the “gift that keeps on giving”, because of course the paranoia it causes does not go away just because the lies temporarily stop. The “I was just joking around; I didn’t think anyone would actually believe me” defense is used in this situation, too.

Students need to be taught that it is cruel to entertain yourself at someone else’s expense in the first place, to the point that even self-deprecating humor ought to have its limit. This does not require a level of maturity that children do not have. Children can learn at a very young age the concept that it is mean to put other people down and will not be tolerated; it doesn’t require calculus skills or abstract thinking that is beyond their years. Learning to include others is somewhat more advanced, but it is worth teaching from the start. There are no manners that ought not be taught until the person is old enough to get them right 100% of the time.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I was bullied in school. Bad. And it affected me. So I am sympathetic to the issue. But I also can see that pop psychology and even the gay community have tried to hijack this issue in some places. To the point of it not being ok to say that homosexuality is wrong. In some places anti bullying awareness days just become a homosexual activist day.

 

[travissbeloved]

I was bullied in school. Bad. And it affected me. So I am sympathetic to the issue. But I also can see that pop psychology and even the gay community have tried to hijack this issue in some places. To the point of it not being ok to say that homosexuality is wrong. In some places anti bullying awareness days just become a homosexual activist day.

I agree. I watched a documentary on that poor boy who was shot by a classmate for being gay and it obviously was not okay for kids to bully him for being gay or for a kid to shoot him for being gay. However, the gay agenda uses this stuff to say that anytime we disagree with them we are hateful bigots who are bullying them. When that is simply not true! Besides, the young man from that documentary was teasing the shooter too by telling kids at school they were dating and making kissy faces at him in the hallway, etc. Obviously this is not an excuse to kill someone but why isn’t anyone addressing the fact that he too, was a bully.