*Your* Take On This Family Situation

[dailey]

And now who is “scolding”?

My post was “suggesting” not “scolding”.

 

[dailey]

I don’t know the details, but it sounds as though you may be helping/supporting them in some way. If this is the case, then I would *kindly *and *consistently *tell her your likes and dislikes.
“Mom, I love you. Please do not use that language around the kids and please stop calling me names. I know I have been unkind to you like that in the past, but if you’ve noticed I have stopped. I would like to be treated a little more kindly, please.”

And repeat it every single time she speaks to you that way… lovingly, kindly, patiently. If she wants to continue to rage, smile and leave the room.
I would use the same technique when she brings up your scapular. Kind, consistent, patient, but not tolerating the behavior. Smile and leave the room if she doesn’t decide to stop. But continue to use the words, “Mom, I love you.”

Be emotionless. Do not respond to her emotions.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this situation.

Excellent advice. Thank you for the kind words.

 

[twoangels]

Thanks for the quick responses!

Like I previously said, this arrangement of me going over there everyday is not going to change so I need to figure out how to deal with this (before I pull all of my hair out, LOL)!

Also, I don’t feel comfortable saying why I go everyday but I would gladly PM anyone the reason, just let me know. It might make you change your mind…

If you are reliant on their transportation, find an alternative.

If this is your manner of keeping the peace with them by satisfying their demands on you, they are behaving in an abusive manner. You would then need to stand up for yourself and establish boundaries with them clearly and be willing to cut off contact if they are so emotionally unstable that they will continue to get vile and hurt you and your children to get even with you. You would not be wrong in doing this.

If you are your parents’ caretaker and their mistreatment of you is due to illness, I would wonder let your children know that grandma is ill and avoid wearing the scapular around her. Either way, I’m curious as to how she even can tell. Scapulars are warn to be hidden underneath your clothing. It should not be obvious that you are wearing one. I would then talk to a medical professional about whether or not she needs more care than you can give her.

 

[ryecroft]

Thank you.

Prayers and compassion are always welcomed.

Don’t kill me for saying this (it’s a Dr. Phil thing) - but when you choose the behaviour you choose the consequences or something like that - I think you’re already seeing -er positive consequences - (or results - whatever)- you say that you have begun taking the kids away when she starts up and that it’s gotten better - maybe I’m interpreting incorrectly here, but perhaps the reason her actions are changing are because you’re taking the grand children away. You say you will continue going over there with the kids0 so anytime something begins - leave - you’re already doing it with the cussing -and everyone is saying this is something bad -(granted it’s not a wonderful thing - but let’s go with the silver lining)- if your kids see you go over there have an interaction with your mother where she begins getting nasty, they will see you get up and leave with them - they won’t see you yell back or get nasty back - so although this isn’t an ideal situation, I think you have an opportunity to teach your kids some strategies to use…who knows one day when one of them begins to squabble with the other, instead of hearing “you poopy head” or something equally lovely, you may just see one of your kids get up and leave and not say a thing…(maybe I’m dreaming - it could happen…)
God Bless
Rye

 

[dailey]

If you are reliant on their transportation, find an alternative.

If this is your manner of keeping the peace with them by satisfying their demands on you, they are behaving in an abusive manner. You would then need to stand up for yourself and establish boundaries with them clearly and be willing to cut off contact if they are so emotionally unstable that they will continue to get vile and hurt you and your children to get even with you. You would not be wrong in doing this.

If you are your parents’ caretaker and their mistreatment of you is due to illness, I would wonder let your children know that grandma is ill and avoid wearing the scapular around her. Either way, I’m curious as to how she even can tell. Scapulars are warn to be hidden underneath your clothing. It should not be obvious that you are wearing one. I would then talk to a medical professional about whether or not she needs more care than you can give her.

I had to chuckle…no, I am not my parents caregivers. Those 2 people could run circles around most people half their age!

You mean to tell me all this time I was suppose to wear the scapular under my clothes?? (not that you still can’t see the string) I have to admit, I fell in love with the scapular when my favorite nun gave me one when I was 7. Back then, I was too embarrassed to wear it so I just stuck it in my drawer. Years later, I decided I wanted to be enrolled in one, however, I was still embarrassed. Took me a while not to cringe when I saw people looking at it. Geeze, you would have thought at some point, after reading much about the scapular, I would have saw this somewhere! lol!

 

[dailey]

Don’t kill me for saying this (it’s a Dr. Phil thing) - but when you choose the behaviour you choose the consequences or something like that - I think you’re already seeing -er positive consequences - (or results - whatever)- you say that you have begun taking the kids away when she starts up and that it’s gotten better - maybe I’m interpreting incorrectly here, but perhaps the reason her actions are changing are because you’re taking the grand children away. You say you will continue going over there with the kids0 so anytime something begins - leave - you’re already doing it with the cussing -and everyone is saying this is something bad -(granted it’s not a wonderful thing - but let’s go with the silver lining)- if your kids see you go over there have an interaction with your mother where she begins getting nasty, they will see you get up and leave with them - they won’t see you yell back or get nasty back - so although this isn’t an ideal situation, I think you have an opportunity to teach your kids some strategies to use…who knows one day when one of them begins to squabble with the other, instead of hearing “you poopy head” or something equally lovely, you may just see one of your kids get up and leave and not say a thing…(maybe I’m dreaming - it could happen…)
God Bless
Rye

Good points, I agree 100% that my actions could be used as an opportunity to teach my kids good strategies. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, much appreciated!

 

[Irishmom2]

I started this thread, (like most people who post in the family section), out of frustration and for perhaps some prayers and words of wisdom.

Sometimes we are put in situations that are unfair or just plain difficult. Game called Life.

At any rate, thank you for those who have replied (through PM as well) with charity and advice. No need to reply to this if you are only going to reiterate the “scolding”…its really not helpful.

Hmmm. 25 posts from others before me, but you chose mine to imply that I am not being charitable. The only thing mine said that others didn’t was that I wondered why you posted if you didn’t really want any “wisdom.” But then later, when you scold others, it is “a suggestion.”

 

[Miserissima]

You could try picking up the book, “Toxic Parents” to help you to set boundaries – and consequences that may progress from finding alternatives to your situation to going through steps to exclude them from aspects of your life.

Perhaps when she starts to et riled up (before she calls you a name) you could respond with, “Mom, you’re looking at me like I was the same person I was many years ago, but I’ve changed a lot in x years. I’m not sure how I can help you to see that…?”

Either she’ll respond with an insult, such as “a leopard doesn’t change its spots,” or she will answer your question. If the former, she’s not ready or able to have a conversation with you yet.

I am certainly not blaming you for your situation, but I encourage you to take control of your responses and your mouth by not responding in kind to her, or “taking the bait.” Smile sadly and go about whatever task you were doing, and excuse yourself when need be.

The swearing in front of your kids is going to be a trickier situation, though. Perhaps there is a way to limit their interaction with your mother?

 

[dailey]

Hmmm. 25 posts from others before me, but you chose mine to imply that I am not being charitable. The only thing mine said that others didn’t was that I wondered why you posted if you didn’t really want any “wisdom.” But then later, when you scold others, it is “a suggestion.”

Not sure what thread you are reading…but where did I say I don’t want anyones wisdom? I stated in my first post that me not going to my parents is not an option. So for some of you to keep saying “just don’t go” makes no sense. I got plenty of good advice (here and through PM’s) from others who actually listened to what I was saying and seemed genuinely interested in helping me . If you actually read this entire thread, you will clearly see I am not the one who started this silly scolding thing. As one of the posters said, it is not helpful.

And the reason I picked your comment to quote is because I was simply answering your question regarding “Why did you even start this thread?”

 

[dailey]

You could try picking up the book, “Toxic Parents” to help you to set boundaries – and consequences that may progress from finding alternatives to your situation to going through steps to exclude them from aspects of your life.

Perhaps when she starts to et riled up (before she calls you a name) you could respond with, “Mom, you’re looking at me like I was the same person I was many years ago, but I’ve changed a lot in x years. I’m not sure how I can help you to see that…?”

Either she’ll respond with an insult, such as “a leopard doesn’t change its spots,” or she will answer your question. If the former, she’s not ready or able to have a conversation with you yet.

I am certainly not blaming you for your situation, but I encourage you to take control of your responses and your mouth by not responding in kind to her, or “taking the bait.” Smile sadly and go about whatever task you were doing, and excuse yourself when need be.

The swearing in front of your kids is going to be a trickier situation, though. Perhaps there is a way to limit their interaction with your mother?

Thanks for the book suggestion! I love when people here on CAF suggest books for me, since I would have never read them otherwise. I completely agree with you regarding “not taking the bait”. I have a plaque in my laundry room that states “Lord, please put your arm around my shoulder…and your hand over my mouth”.

 

[dailey]

er. Either way, I’m curious as to how she even can tell. Scapulars are warn to be hidden underneath your clothing. It should not be obvious that you are wearing one…

Okay, ever since you posted this, it has been bothering me. I have always worn my scapular outside my clothes and feel like a fool now. I did a quick search and found a couple different sites that say you could wear it under or over clothing. catholic-soe.org/scapulartract.html

“In the year 1251, the Scapular promise became known, “whosoever dies clothed in this (scapular)
shall not suffer eternal death.” Soon, ordinary people wanted to wear the scapular also. They wanted
to be under Mary’s special protection. So a smaller scapular was made, like the one we have today. It
could be worn under one’s regular clothes (or it may be worn on the outside).”

Later, when I have more time I will look into this more, or perhaps ask my priest. At any rate, I am glad you brought this up. From now on, my scapular will stay inside my shirt.