Your Thoughts Appreciated..Lengthy!

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Just looking for a little advice for (name removed by moderator)ut here. Length to follow! Sorry :o

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, he with a very steady engineering job and an apartment, I living at home trying to go to college. We know our vocations are to each other, and are planning to be engaged as soon as I finish RCIA this year.

I have attended one semester in college only so far (I commute there). My family life is very bad, with my mom being an alcoholic/pill addict and rarely ever home (stays with her boyfriend a lot) and my real dad, whom I just met 2 years ago, living 3 hours away.

My mom can barely keep up with the bills let alone pay for my college, and she and I have not gotten along for a while now. My dad recently told me last minute that he cannot pay for college (he paid for last semester). So, in a frenzy, I applied for a loan, which I now found out today accrues interest beginning immediately, on 14k. I have scholarships and other grants besides, and 2 stafford loans. I also found out they take out a loan fee, which ends up with me being about 1.5k short per semester.

My boyfriend basically takes care of me. He has paid for doctor’s appointments, etc., that I could not afford and that my parents wouldn’t pay for. He is a wonderful man and does so much more than I ask him to, which is just to love me and listen and care. My home life is terrible and I have been in therapy for a while for it… without getting too into it… it’s very complicated and bad. But of course I will not move in with him before we are married. Basically, he could manage to pay for this, along with me paying, but it would be very tight, with his trying to pay off a car, and his student loans as well, and it would put us back for marriage at least 4 years if not longer (my parents cannot pay for a wedding).

Our options here are something like… I go ahead with school, already 20k in debt on my second semester, and HOPE they will give me more aid next semester (I already appealed for more and couldn’t get it)… trying to pay off interest, car insurance, etc… with a job, and a very busy schedule… which can certainly be done. Also living at home in the bad atmosphere. For at least four more years.

Or, I can defer school for about a year and a half to two years, he and I can get married in about a year, move into his apartment, and then I can immediately go back to school. We will be in a better position to pay for school then, with me having saved up in the two years with a full time job, and he expecting to be making a significant amount more in his career by then.

Everyone tells me… go to school, get it done. I am heartbroken that I cannot afford this, but I feel that I have to decide what will make me happier in the long term. Going to school now will make me happier short term… school instead of working full time… I love school, I excel there… but living in this home atmosphere 4 more years… I don’t know if I can take it. Waiting that long to be with my love because we cannot afford both school and a wedding…

Or getting married, and that cost will be done with, he can pay off his loans by then, and then with his apartment which is cheap and his good paying job, send me back to school full time. In the long term I see this making me happier, but not immediately as happy, because I will just be working full time.

I don’t know… advice or thoughts? What would you do? I know this is long, I couldn’t get into details with family problems to make it even LONGER… heh… :confused:
 
I know people will disagree with me if I was to be completely honest in your position I would delay school if this truly is man you intend to marry and really have thought that through.

I know what it’s like to be living in a toxic enviroment and the stress can enormous both physically and emotionally. You also will then be entering into marriage with a very large debt if you continue your education now. Please don’t think I do not value education. I absolutely believe you should all your talents and gifts that God has given you, and I don’t think you should give up on your dreams.

I commend you for not just moving in with your boyfriend to escape your situation which is very common today. Your education is very important and I see why those around say you should continue. They are probably afraid if you stop you will never end up going back. Which does happen often.

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. You can really only make the choice in the end. Sometimesour dreams are hit with a large does of reality. If you believe you truly will continue you education after marriage it may be prudent to wait since it will put you in a better financial situation.
 
Megan,
I like the idea of getting married quicker and then in time going back to school after you’ve saved up some money. IMO that’s a better option vs. staying in a bad environment at home and going so far into debt. What does your boyfriend think? If he thinks it’s best to be married sooner, rather than later… well, I agree. You can always go back to school… and working full time might be wiser in the short term?

Then again, after you are married, maybe God will bless you with lots of babies & you won’t want a career anyhow. 😉

It’s sounds like you are a smart girl. Think about it… pray about it… ask God for direction. I think it will come. 🙂

God Bless you,
CM

P.S. Sorry about your Mom & Dad. It’s unfortunate that you don’t have the support that every young person needs. I’m so happy that God sent a wonderful boyfriend into your life. You WILL get to have the family you deserve! (your own!)
 
I agree that getting married sooner rather then later sounds like the better idea.

However… have you thought of going to a community college for your first two years? Spending 20k on 30 credits when those credits are probably just general studies seems unnecessary to me, but again, this is only my opinion. 🙂

Could you aim for an associates degree at the community college during the next two years, get married during that time, then transfer back to the school you’re currently attending and will be better able to afford after marriage?

Just an idea, that’s all.

I also think waiting four years to get married would put undue stress on your relationship–many couples, whether or not they are particularly tempted in the area of chastity, struggle with it if their courtship/dating years drag on and on. That is definitely not what God wants for you. If you truly know this is the man you are meant to marry, then marry him and live in your vocation. You are meant to sanctify one another and it is better to be together in the covenant of marriage, than apart.

I’m sorry about your homelife. Don’t let four more years of poison damage you any further, either. I would go the shorter route. 🙂
 
Sorry I posted that double time… didn’t even notice… oops!

I appreciate your opinions. My boyfriend says that if what I really want is to go to school, he will make it work somehow for me. But he also thinks the better option is to get married as soon as we can. He really wants me to finish my education and promises me I can do it once we are married.

This is not what my mom wants… she claims since we are Catholic (she is not, obviously), and don’t believe in birth control, I will just get pregnant and never get to “do everything I always wanted.” A child would be a blessing. Not to mention, everything I always wanted is a loving husband, stable marriage, and to be a stay at home mom with my kids! (Gosh forbid!) 😉 However, she will just have to adjust.

I think it is possible to take some classes at a community college, depending on costs, and get some more basics out of the way.

I have been praying for direction and I believe God just sent me all you wonderful people to confirm what I thought He was leading me to do. Thank you very much for your wisdom! You can’t imagine how much weight it took off my shoulders to have some support behind me to do something that is called so “unconventional” and “not smart” in this worldly place today. 😃
 
Since you have only been in college for one semester, I am thinking you might be only about 19. And if your boyfriend has a good engineering job, then he must be at least 22 or possibly older. If you are under 20 and there are five or more years difference in your ages, you should be very cautious about marrying this young–especially since you have had very poor role models in your parents. Young people from homes with divorce and other problems (like alcohol, drugs, mental illness, and similar) are more likely to struggle in creating strong marriages. Please wait for marriage until you are marrying from a position of strength. Have you sat down with a financial aid advisor from your school since your most recent financial setbacks?
 
I am 19, he is 25. While I understand where you are coming from, I was also forced to grow up quickly in my life and am far more ready than others my age would be. I have been living basically independently for quite a long time now.

Unfortunately there is not much else to do at this point for school, unless I waited until next semester and tried getting more loans. I have already appealed for more aid and got nothing more. That would only delay the schooling process another half of a year.

I have been in therapy with a Catholic doctor for some time now about my problems, and have overcome many, and forgiven many people in my life and family, thanks to this. I believe I WOULD be marrying from a position of strength. I come from a terrible family background, but I have come through it with prayer and therapy and my boyfriend, who attends the therapy sessions alongside me to learn how to help me through things.

I think it unwise to stay in the atmosphere I am living in… while I have been able to come through it a lot with therapy, it would be much healthier to move along if I can.
 
The way we see the world at 19 is very different than the way we see the world at 35 or 45 or 55. You have been an adult legally for one year. You will be an adult, with any luck, for another 50 years or more. You have a lot going against you, unfortunately. Yes, your marriage could be the statistical anomaly–the one that succeeds against the odds. I hope you have discussed this with your counselor and really listen to his advice. I know too many people (yes, even Catholics) who 5, or 15, or 25 years and several children later get divorced. They were all sure when they married too. I have never heard anyone who divorced say that the reason they divorced is that they waited too long to marry or they were too old when they married.
 
As the mother of a college-bound daughter about your age, and college-educated myself, I recommend you don’t get married just to escape a miserable home with your parents. The divorce rate for people who marry to escape a situation like yours is appalling.

Your boyfriend may be The One, or he may just LOOK like The One because you are in such a mess right now. How long have you known him? At your age, if it’s less than two or three years, you don’t know him nearly well enough to make a permanent lifetime commitment.

I also second the idea of withdrawing from your very expensive college and going to a college you can afford yourself. Big money and impressive educations do not necessarily go together.

You’d do much better by moving into an efficiency apartment and working, while taking night classes to keep moving towards your educational goal. Then in another two years, if your Dream Man is still willing, get married and go back to school full time.

Another idea you may consider: enlist in the Air Force or the Navy for one tour of duty. You’ll get a good salary, educational money, a real growing-up life experience, and come away from there a self-assured person with a firm grasp on personal strengths you can’t even yet imagine. And you’ll be giving your Mr. Right a real prize in a wife.

Best wishes.
Nan
 
Nan S:
As the mother of a college-bound daughter about your age, and college-educated myself, I recommend you don’t get married just to escape a miserable home with your parents. The divorce rate for people who marry to escape a situation like yours is appalling.
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Hi,

Thanks for the advice. I just want to make it known that, although it may have sounded that way, I did not mean to come across like I was getting married just to escape the situation. Before we found out about the loan payments and the complications there, the plan was still to become engaged within the year, while I was going to school.

So, while the marriage would have not been as soon, it still would have taken place within the next 2-3 years most likely.
 
Hi Megan,

Thanks for sharing so much of your story. One thing that might be helpful is for BOTH of you to receive premarital counseling together during your pre-cana preparation. I think most couples should do this regardless, but it is especially important for those who face special adversities.

Be prepared for a lot of your emotional issues surrounding your homelife to surface in ways you might not expect once you’re married. Our family of origin is an ever-present influence and since yours was not a pleasant one, there may be some anxiety or panic surrounding the desire to be sure and not re-create what you experienced growing up.

Your boyfriend sounds extremely caring and it speaks highly of him that he is willing to wait however long for you. I think it would be money well-spent to maybe have a few sessions together with your Catholic therapist as you prepare for marriage.

One more thing. Sometimes when we are in situations, outside of marriage, in a relationship that requires one to be the ultimate giver and the other to be the ultimate receiver–patterns are established. When you are on more equal footing after marriage, in a financial sense, you might find it takes a little while to get your balance back. Due to your need for material care being so high, simply because of circumstances out of your control, there is a certain missionary aspect to your relationship that bears being aware about. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the dynamic between the two of you, only that in marriage it will change slightly. Being aware of this and how it might affect your mutual interaction will only be a benefit to the two of you, and will hopefully be a part of your pre-cana discussions.

Also remember that you have grown up in a homelife situation that is very negative and sounds possibly abusive (though you didn’t mention that, I’m only assuming, so forgive me if I’m wrong). Being outside that situation for the first time, in a hopefully healthy marriage, might cause some unrest in your spirit and might even cause some tendency in you to “create normalcy.” Meaning, to subconsciously create the conflict you are used to living with–and thereby confuse your DH considerably!

Anyway, I will quit projecting into your future. 😉 Thanks for the patience in listening. Just be as prepared as possible and talk, talk, talk to one another as you prepare for this sacrament. Good for you for already seeking therapy–it shows how committed you are to being healthy.

God bless you!
Abby
 
Okay, I definitely don’t agree with signing up for any military stint, during war time, specifically with the goal of gaining money for school. Since there is a war on, the chances of you being called into active duty dramatically increase and if that does happen, your educational and marital plans might be delayed quite a bit longer than four years.

Just my opinion. 🙂

I have a brother serving in Iraq as a marine, so don’t think I’m anti-military.
 
Hi Abby,

I certainly understand your remarks. He has been alongside me in the therapy sessions, not the whole time, but recently. It has been a very healthy experience for the relationship and we learn better how to deal with these things, my past, with each other. This therapist also does marital counseling, and he is wonderful, so I am sure we could easily be doing some pre-marital counseling… as we actually almost are doing that now… it’s been very beneficial. 🙂

Thanks for writing, I’m enjoying listening!
 
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Princess_Abby:
Okay, I definitely don’t agree with signing up for any military stint, during war time, specifically with the goal of gaining money for school. Since there is a war on, the chances of you being called into active duty dramatically increase and if that does happen, your educational and marital plans might be delayed quite a bit longer than four years.

Just my opinion. 🙂

I have a brother serving in Iraq as a marine, so don’t think I’m anti-military.
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I grew up a Navy brat and have much respect for the military, but do not consider this a path for me. It is definitely a good thing for some people, but just the thought of it for me makes me unhappy. I am planning on becoming an English or Art teacher.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Okay, I definitely don’t agree with signing up for any military stint, during war time, specifically with the goal of gaining money for school. Since there is a war on, the chances of you being called into active duty dramatically increase and if that does happen, your educational and marital plans might be delayed quite a bit longer than four years.

Just my opinion. 🙂

I have a brother serving in Iraq as a marine, so don’t think I’m anti-military.
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I’m retired Air Force, and I’m sorry to see you have some big misconceptions about military service.
  • I am actually suggesting that she consider joining the active duty forces directly, for a fixed term of enlistment with a fixed exit date. Being “called to active duty” is something that happens if you become a “weekend warrior” (a reservist).
  • But for her situation I said Air Force or Navy for good reason, rather than Army or Marines. In the Air Force or Navy, as a junior enlisted person, the chances are very remote that she would be deployed into a war zone. Most of the work done by those two services is behind-the-lines.
  • In any event, she will feel much better about her future if she has taken a serious look at genuinely good alternatives. Don’t write off the military until you’ve checked it out.
 
Megan,

In reading through your posts and thinking back to where I was at your age, and I have to commend you on your apparent maturity. I am so happy to hear that you have taken the wise step of seeking a good Catholic counselor and that you understand the importance of forgiveness, especially given the environment of your family.

My family, for our own reasons, was unable to assist me financially, yet on paper I didn’t qualify for financial aid, so I know how heart breaking it can be to be held off from your college dreams by finances and the particulars of your family situation. I concur with the recommendations that you look into attending a community college. When it was time for me to leave community college and attend a 4 year program, I put off going to school for a year because the Ivy League College I had been accepted to assured me that I would be given financial aid the next year. Unfortunately, the Dean of Financial Aid changed and after postponing college for a year, I found myself in April with no financial aid.

Thank God I live in California, so financially, I was able to take my hard luck story to the admissions department of the top State School which had a relatively low cost for in-state students. I showed them my transcripts from the 2 yr school, explained what had happened and they suggested I apply for a less popular program, given that I would be eligible to change majors after being on Campus for 6 weeks. Next thing you know, I was processing my start for the following Fall. Yahoo!

Anyway, to make a long story short, I got my degree, with honors and after a few years of a great career, came to the realization that you’ve already reached. That the best vocation is to be a wife and mother.

I thoroughly encourage you to do what you can to get your education, but that education shouldn’t be at the expense of paying attention to what’s really important. Are you putting the correct amount of time into discerning if your boyfriend is the correct person for you to marry? You may want to read through a few things with your fiance, such as Fulton Sheen’s “Three to Get Married” or “Theology of the Body”.

In addition to the wonderful things you’re already doing, you may also want to see if the pastor would be willing to offer you spiritual direction. I’m not certain if this is ever offered before someone is Catholic, but it’s a great way of ensuring that one is making progress in one’s spiritual life.

You and your boyfriend may also want to either attend an Engaged Encounter Retreat or see if there are any pre-Cana programs offered through your parish or diocese. One aspect of these programs should be to help you confirm whether or not you are with the correct person in the first place.

Well, that’s a lot, so I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you. It seems like you’re doing a great job of making the important decisions in your life.

Take care of yourself, and God Bless,

CARose
 
Megan, you sound like you’ve got one heck of a head on your shoulders. Speaking as someone who took The Other Path (that is, staying at home in a shaky family situation until I finish college as opposed to moving out and living independently) I do not recommend this path at all. If you are living with a less than ideal family situation, this will affect your ability to do well in school. One of the worst things that could happen is to fail out of school and end up with massive debt. I’m about to start my 6th year of undergrad. Had I moved out, taken night classes, and not have had to deal with the family dynamics, I probably would have graduated by now. I had to seriously cut back my course load just so I could put up with family issues that I would have avoided entirely if I were living somewhere else.

So, I think the best thing for you would be to find a job and an apartment, and then take a reduced course load to accomodate your work schedule. Take some time to affirm your independence. Yes, this will have its difficulties, but it would be less risky than getting married too early as some have suggested. And, it would be less stressful than putting up with your mom, from whom you could probably benefit from a little distance.
 
CARose,

Thanks for your reply. I, too, tend to do very well in school, but thankfully have come to appreciate that my true vocation will be as a wife and mother, along with whatever career, if it is possible, that I choose to take on.

My boyfriend and I have done and do a lot of talking, discussing, and reading (whether books or online) together about Catholicism and our vocations, marriage, children, and each other, and what this means to us as believers in Truth. We do a lot of listening to Father Corapi’s CDs, he has something like a 100-CD set… and talking about what he says in his sermons. One of our favorite CDs is “The Sanctity of Marriage.” We are also going to see him at a 2-day session he has nearby in October. It should be wonderful.

While I have heard of those books, including “Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples,” I haven’t looked at them yet. But I’ve seen them recommended quite a lot lately, so I think we’ll look into them.

We had also planned on doing both pre-Cana and the Engaged Encounter weekend. His sister and her fiance just got back from an Encounter weekend and said how amazing it was.

Nan S.,

I hope you did not take offense at when I said the military was not for me. I respect it greatly and lived in that environment for 25 years.

Iontas,

I appreciate your understanding. I know it is difficult to concentrate in school sometimes when your mind is racing with other issues on the home front… I never had any difficulty keeping my grades very good in school because of it, thankfully, but I hope it never happens!
 
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